Newt Gingrich Wins South Carolina, Reminding America Why It's South Carolina In The First Place

Well, well, that was faster than dumping an ex-wife in the cancer ward! Whining, bloated, real life Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and serial adultering sac of ethics violations Newt Gingrich has just been declared the Big Wiener of the South Carolina Confederate Republican primary. Hooray! Now all of America can experience the amphibeous-named, Tiffany bling-encrusted, white-capped mountain of sleaze that is Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich. Let's just hope America has been drinking their açaí berry shakes and practicing their sun salutations because otherwise Newt will do to America what he's done to everything else he's ever loved: move on to the next younger, hotter CUNTry. Oops, Country, I mean Country!

So while the Big Newt, err, make that the Big News of the day is that a white, womanizing, racist asshole takes the bacon in the wonderful State where the Civil War started (crazy, I know!), those who don't reside in The Palmetto State, or as it's more commonly known, North Carolina's redheaded stepchild, can still feel a part of the wingnut political process, thanks to the boldest, tackiest, NSFW-iest political gear to hit the market this election year. Perfect for the crazed Teabagging asshole in your life! Wear one to your next (and last!) job interview and let the whole world know which appendage Uncle Sam can suck, without having to say a word!

And proudly wear your hate on your sleeve! Because if there's one thing people who like terrible, offensive polticial t-shirts looooove it is hating immigrants. Not like your average, milky white, red freckled, O'Sullivan or O'Reilly from Dublin. Remember, "immigrants" is Republican for "Mexicans," as is any other brown-skinned persons of broad latino descent born south of Brownsville, Texas.

The other general rule of thumb for people who purchase this type of political attire is a blind, albeit almost pathological hatred of President Barack Obama. This hate must be so strong that it bends the rules of logic, physics, grammar, the universe, and comparison-making. Obama is Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedong, Che Guevera, Pol Pot, the Joker from Batman, Bill Cosby, Uncle Tom, King Kong, Godzilla, Aunt Jemima, every black stereotype ever (here's looking at you Buckwheat!), a dork, dweeb, nerd, liar, elitist, secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist, and of course, a shit sandwich, as these t-shirts so tastefully prove. The best part? These tees come in a variety of exciting, PC colors like Sanchez Brown, Drunken Irish, Funeral Black, Blue Balls, Period Red, Pussy Pink, Blow White, and Bong Ash so you can you can look your best while being the worst!

Ugh, you know what really grinds wingnuts' gears? When gross smart people run the government! With their elitist knowledge and intelligence. It's enough to make a person sick! What America needs isn't more "community organizers" or hoity-toity "college graduates." Hell no! What it needs is a bunch of toothless, drunk, heavily armed, high school dropouts to make America great again by expelling all the Messicans and gays while bombing the bejesus out of as many foreign, oil-rich Muslim countries as their GED brains can think of. Next stop, Arabia!

Nothing screams sexy like an angry, naked Mama Grizz mounting Nancy Pelosi from behind, locked in a full nelson, and forced to submit to a woman elected to a position for which she isn't even running. Women's Rights are so 2008! Sarah Palin/Horny Men 2012! You betcha!

¡Ay, caramba! This shirt ordering all illegals to SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH is great except for the one tiny, little thing: the shirt is written in FUCKING ENGLISH! Though, extra bonus racist points for hot girl's middle finger. The universal language for junior high school kids to let the whole world know they just don't give a F*CK 'bout nothin! Except of course, poorly spoken, grammatically incorrect, AMERICAN JESUS ENGLISH.

Ummm, I don't know about you, but Vanilla Ice threatening to rip my eyeballs out and have sex with my empty orbital sockets is enough to keep me from setting Old Glory ablaze anytime soon. Mission Accomplished!?

Oh, yeaaaaah! Every dad who purchases this badboy is pretty much guaranteeing that his daughter will eventually end up dating Mary Cheney. Or Chaz Bono. Or, God forbid, Marcus Bachmann! **Shudder**

So get your awesome wingnut tee today and let the whole world know, "Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech" what happens when bad decision-making meets 40 ounces of malt liquor deep in the middle of Bumblefuck, USA, like oh, I don't know, say, South Carolina.

Freedom's a bitch, y'all!

Michele Bachman Has A Secret Fashion Weapon Stashed In Her Closet & His Name Is Marcus Bachmann

Michele Bachmann may have a set of sparkling baby blues to kill for (try it, she dares you!) and a smokin' hot body to boot, but how does Rep. "Crazy Eye Candy" from Minnesota keep herself looking so fabulously fashionable??

Why, the secret styling weapon she keeps stashed inside her walk-in closet, of course!

From a 2006 Tribune article:

Shopping help comes from another quarter, as well. Before Vice President Dick Cheney's visit this past summer, Bachmann's husband, Marcus, hit the stores — "he's got a good sense of style" [she said] — and came home with "a sleek, simple hourglass dress with a yoke collar in winter white." He even bought a matching coat and shoes.

Ooooh, I bet he got Michele a cute li'l number too!

"Since I was a little girl, I either wore my mother's high heels or aspired to wear high heels," Michele explained.

OMG, what a coinkidink, same with Marcus! What are the chances!?

"I grew up in a very male-dominated home with three brothers and a dad who was a real outdoorsman," she said. It was only while attending law school that she became more clothes-conscious. Then came the '90s, "when I was pregnant with one child or another," she said. "I wasn't particularly stylish then."

C'mon Michy! Popping out precious li'l miracles of God every which way is the absolute perfect time for over-sized flannel shirts, faded high-waisted jeans, and MC Hammer pants.

"I dress fairly simply," she said. "I like clean lines. I like solid colors. But I like an outfit to have a little kick." For inspiration, she looks to Audrey Hepburn and Jackie Onassis -- and indeed, the pale pink suit and gloves she wore for President Bush's fundraising visit in August seemed a flashback to Camelot.

That choice was inspired by a girlfriend who owned "a darling pink suit" that she had bought at Herberger's. Bachmann thought it was the special outfit that the event required, "so my girlfriend went to get an identical one at the store's sidewalk sale," she said. "For $39!"

God that Marcus really is a lifesaver!

But it wasn't until her election to the Minnesota State Senate that the 5-foot-1 Bachmann felt compelled to "take a little more care with how I looked."

"I have a very lean wardrobe," she said. "I get hand-me-downs from my mother, who also does a lot of garage-saling. On occasion, I'll go to Nordstrom's Petites and get something for full price, but only if I think I'll get four or five years' wear out of it."

By then Marcus is more than happy to take if off her hands. He's such a good girlfriend, wife, husband!

Havin' A Ball!

Happy Feet: The First Couple Kick Things Off

It's been quite a day.

Barack Hussein Obama was officially sworn-in as president to complete the nation's seamless transition from international disgrace to world pride.

His excellency even managed to keep it cool when brilliant Bush-appointed Chief Justice John Roberts tried to sabotage his big moment by flubbing the oath of office and throwing everyone off for a not-at-all awkward moment or two.

Followed by a couple hours of lunching, parade walking, hand waving, smiling, and as always, the media's riveting play-by-play commentary. Plus, a complete fashion breakdown of 2009's hottest inauguration styles...you won't believe who showed up in what!

But now that Obama is king, I mean president, it's time to let loose, throw back a few, and boogie the night away at one of the ten inaugural balls featuring Michelle and Barack's signature slow-dance cameo.

Or if you didn't happen to make it on the guest list, you can always watch it on tv like the rest of us losers not named Beyonce.

Waltzing In Style