Who Needs The NFL When You Can Have Michele Bachmann's "Super Bowl Of Freedom?"

Minnesota's seductive but equally insane Representative from hell Michele Bachmann took a break from undressing "stunning" fellow aqua-eyed right-wing darling Rep. Steve King with her piercing baby blues before a packed House floor to promote her upcoming "Super Bowl of Freedom" involving not pigskin and padding but teabaggers and testosterone.

Bachmann is urging the true patriots among us--you know, those dedicated warriors willing to slit their wrists for freedom--to descend upon the steps of the Capitol like the plague of locusts sent straight from the Lord to demand Congress stop trying to destroy America by shoving affordable, quality health care down our not-even-sore throats.

"The only way they're going to listen is if real freedom-loving Americans come here to Washington noon on Thursday, look at the whites of the eyes of their members of Congress and say, 'Don't you remember, I told you don't take away my health care,'" she said.

And if that's not enough to get Joe six-pack and other freedom fighters off the couch, out of their trailers, and into action, perhaps the blinding star wattage of such conservative luminaries as Jon Voight might change their simple little minds. Ooooh, just think how proud Angie must be to call him Papa!

As if her House Republican-endorsed inside-the-Capitol tea party isn't exciting enough, Michele used the occasion to unveil the slick, new catch phrase she's been working on, sure to please even the most discerning nutjob. "Socialized medicine is the crown jewel of socialism. This will change our country forever."

And you my Belle are the crown jewel of psychopaths. Luckily, this won't change anything in any way whatsoever because mental health isn't anything freedom-loving capitalists need bother with, since a perfectly functioning health care system like ours doesn't extend to imaginary liberal maladies like mental illness.

How else would the Republican Party be in such tip-top shape and so mentally fit as to entrust the future of their dear party to this self-proclaimed fool for Jesus who answers only to the higher calling of her one true Lord and Savior Jesus Christ whenever He personally calls upon her to fulfill His divine mission here on Earth.

Let's just hope He reminded her to bring the Doritos.

Alaskans Face The Harsh Reality Of Life Without Princess Sarah

Oh no, the dreaded day has finally arrived! That fateful day when Sarah Palin bid farewell to absolute power in the snowy north and hello to marginal celebrity in the sinful lowers.

So with the lovely Miss Palin out, who exactly is moving in to her animal-carcass filled natural history museum of an office?

None other than former Lt. Gov. and initial-sharing twin Sean Parnell! But what does America know about their new Alaskan freedom-fighter? More importantly, what does America need to know about a one Sean Parnell?

Not much beyond his proud service in Alaska's House and Senate, dedicated work lobbying on behalf of Exxon Mobil in the Valdez oil-spill lawsuit (oops!), his loyal support of Sarah's mutinous gubernatorial bid in 2006 (before she was an international superstar), and his love of running, skiing, reading and fly fishing.

Unlike that other, lipstick-wearing S.P. who ruled Alaska with grace and charm before abandoning the state for grander ambitions in temperate, treacherous America, Sean Parnell will never quit. Or do anything exciting and fun like give interviews while turkeys are murdered in the background, shoot wolves from the sky, and go on abstinence tours with their underage knocked-up daughter. His are in their teens already and not even pregnant. This guy's so lame!

If You Don't Remember It, It Never Happened!

Ignorance Is Bliss!

Not content with just going down as the worst president in U.S. history, George W. Bush made a last-minute effort to also secure his rightful place as the most delusional president ever to grace the Oval Office

In between colorful doodles of rainbows and butterflies, still-president Bush reflected on his eight blissful years in office during a White House interview on Friday.

"I'd like to be a president (known) as somebody who liberated 50 million people and helped achieve peace."

Well, no worries there, Dubya. I mean what better way to describe Bush than peace-loving freedom fighter who liberated millions?

Like the millions he liberated from the false impression that he could be a competent, effective leader. And the millions he liberated from believing the GOP might actually care about the struggles of average Americans like themselves.

Oh and let's not forget the throngs of people around the world Bush freed from being tricked into feeling "sympathy and solidarity" for the United States in the wake of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

If it wasn't for the heroism of Dubya, imagine how many people might still wrongly believe the United States was a just, peace-loving nation that uses its power to help those struggling and oppressed??

With First Lady and all-around doll Laura Bush at his side, national hero George W. continued to wax poetic about his deep faith and even deeper commitment to moral decency.

"I would like to be a person remembered as a person who, first and foremost, did not sell his soul in order to accommodate the political process. I came to Washington with a set of values, and I'm leaving with the same set of values."

Duh! Everyone knows a man with as strong a faith as Bush, would never sell their soul for political ends.

They would only rent it. To Dick Cheney. For like max 8 years.

If You'll Just Sign Along The Dotted Line