Herman Cain Likes His Illegal Immigrants Much Like His Fast Food: Deep Fried!

Whether he's touting his foreign policy skills by grunting nonsense syllables like "Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan" or rescuing the nation's economy by changing from the gold standard of coins to the Godfather standard of pepperoni slices, and installing the wacko, fictional tax plan he stole from SimCity 4 that repeats the arbitrary number "9" three times while taxing the shit out of poor people, Herman Cain is full of brilliant ideas.

Kip Katsarelis, a senior producer for Maxis, the company that created the SimCity series, was excited that politicians may be looking to video games for ideas.
Adopting such a simple tax structure, Katsarelis said, would allow fantasy political leaders to focus their energy on infrastructure and national security. “Our game design team thought that an easy to understand taxation system would allow players to focus on building their cities and have fun thwarting giant lizard attacks, rather than be buried by overly complex financial systems.”

Of course! But what if those giant lizard attacks were more like scared, border-jumping Mexicans looking for a better life? Then what would Herman Cain do?

Why, just fry the illegal alien bastards to death with an electrified border fence. Easy peasy!

“It’s going to be 20 feet high. It’s going to have barbed wire on the top. It’s going to be electrified. And there’s going to be a sign on the other side saying, ‘It will kill you — Warning.’”

Oooh, sounds sexy! Charred Mexicans hanging over the entrance is a beautiful way to decorate America's borders! A "Teabagger Tapestry," if you will.   

But what if, for some reason, this miraculous deterrent still doesn't keep them away?

Can you say 2nd Amendment remedies, what what!?

From the New York Times:

The [border wall] remarks, which came at two campaign rallies in Tennessee as part of a barnstorming bus tour across the state, drew loud cheers from crowds of several hundred people at each rally. At the second stop, in Harriman, Tenn., Mr. Cain added that he also would consider using military troops “with real guns and real bullets” on the border to stop illegal immigration.

As a special bonus, Herman Cain's solution to securing our borders also doubles as his latest, greatest Godfather pizza topping sensation: Refried Mexican Beans!

¡Ay, Caramba!

[image via Every Joe]

Republicans Debate Who Can Mindlessly Cram The Words Taxes & Ronald Reagan Into As Many Sentences As Possible In Two Hours

If you're like most normal, non-self loathing members of the public who don't particularly enjoy watching eight sociopaths suffering from various delusions and mental illnesses yell at each other over who loves Ronnie Reagen and Jesus, but hates terrible (Socialist) taxes (and gays!) the most, you probably missed last night's GOP Presidential clusterfuck debate.

Fear not, my friend! Lucky for you, some other miserable sadsack suffered through two endless hours of staring into Michele Bachmann's crazy baby blues, while Rick Perry bragged about all the awesome people he's executed (almost as many as Mitt's Mormon brood!) to bring you the only two words that mean anything to today's Grand Old Party:

Taxes and Ronald Reagan! Ronnie Reagan and Taxes!

Which is quite confusing! I mean how the hell do you tax a guy who's been dead for ten years?

Through one of Nancy's famous séances??

Either way, what's Jesus, the real one, not the actor/president/tax god, gonna say when he hears they FORGOT 9/11?!?!?

Two whole hours and not a single mention??

For Christ's sake!

Mitt Romney Knows Corporations Are People Too, Which Is Why He Is Officially Registered As A Limited Liability Person

In these trying economic times when money is scarce, jobs even scarcer, and rational behavior crushed and ground into deliciously nutty human tea bags, where o where will we find a presidential candidate fearless enough to stand up for the rights of the biggest victims of all, the poor, sad, helpless, mega-corporations?

Look no further than everyone's favorite Mormon gaffe machine and master of the flip-flop (not the things gross poor people wear on their feet), Willard Mittens Romney, my friend! Finally, someone with the common sense and moral courage to stand up and proudly declare once and for all, "Corporations are people, my friend."

Well, this didn't go over so well with the rest of the 99 percent of the population not sitting on billions of dollars made by squeezing out productivity gains from the handful of workers they haven't already laid off to maximize profits for small groups of shareholders, like Mittens 'n Co.

Apparently, many of the human "people" in attendance at the Iowa State Fair don't much appreciate being lectured about America's need to "reform" Medicare and Social Security, while simultaneously showering mega-rich corporations with tax breaks, precious gems, poor people's tears, and assorted other goodies.

ROMNEY: We have to make sure that the promises we make - and Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare - are promises we can keep. And there are various ways of doing that. One is, we could raise taxes on people.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Corporations!
ROMNEY: Corporations are people, my friend. We can raise taxes on -
AUDIENCE MEMBER: No, they're not!
ROMNEY: Of course they are. Everything corporations earn also goes to people.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
ROMNEY: Where do you think it goes?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: It goes into their pockets!
ROMNEY: Whose pockets? Whose pockets? People's pockets! Human beings, my friend. So number one, you can raise taxes. That's not the approach that I would take.

Of course that's not the approach Mittens would take. Heavens forbid! After all, corporations are "people," thanks to several decades of terrible court decisions granting them the same legal protections as dumb carbon-based, oxygen-breathing, tax-paying, real people, while at the same time freeing them from such nagging human restraints as "having a conscience."

All Mittens is trying to do is innocently remind everyone about their common humanity with corporations, who are exactly like them, right down to their shiny steel facade, cold, empty interior, and endless supply of cold hard cash, thanks to the big bad gubmint's refund-for-rich people programs.

Maybe the next time you people come across a giant skyscraper or sprawling corporate complex, you should try shaking its hand and asking how its day was like a normal person, instead of staring at its exposed bricks and beams like some sort of impolite, capitalist-hating maniac.

Why is it always up to Mittens to shout down the masses with free business lessons in capitalism run amok, like all the billion$ of reasons why corporations are people, but poors are not. 

Guess that's what great leaders are for. That, and standing up for the big guy because here in Romney's America, the government of the corporation, by the corporation, for the corporation, shall not perish from the Earth.

That, my friend, is what poor people are for.

Michele Bachmann Signs "Marriage Pledge" To Stay Away From Porn, Gays & Revert To The Good Ol' Days Of Slavery

Aspiring Insane-Person-in-Chief and tragic illiteracy victim Michele Bachmann will not sign dumb, 1000+ page bills helping stupid poor people (or pesky sick kids) get health care, mostly because she's too busy channeling her lovely kindred spirit serial killing clown John Wayne Gacy and also because anything over three pages double spaced 16-point font makes her very uncomfortable. Like gay people uncomfortable!

What she will do, however, is sign one of those ridiculous pledge things, like say one called "The Marriage Vow," where she promises to never make sinful sexytime with her husband (haha like he has "straight people" sex anyway!), defend the sacred union of one miserable man to one miserable woman like Jesus intended, hate Islam, and pop out as many precious li'l miracles of God as a porn-less, loveless marriage with a closet case will allow.

Unfortunately, like most things Michele Bachmann is involved with, but has no idea what the hell she is doing or saying, this particular Marriage Vow pledge was also slightly problematic, probably because the very first point of the pledge makes some terribly racist statement about how it was better to be born a black child of slaves than a black child under Barack Obama.

“Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President,” is the first bullet point on the vow's preamble.

Nothin' wrong there, amiright?

Oh, what, like that's a big deal!

See the thing is all the distasteful, awful stuff about the advantages of slavery for black youth was only in the preamble, which apparently doesn't count as part of the actual document, because like, c'mon, who actually reads those silly things anyway?

Certainly not Michele Bachmann!

In her nutty world, "We the people...have no use for preambles."

From Politico:

A Bachmann spokeswoman said earlier Saturday that reports the congresswoman had signed a vow that contained the slavery language was wrong, noting it was not in the “vow” portion.
“She signed the ‘candidate vow,’ ” campaign spokeswoman Alice Stewart said, and distanced Bachmann from the preamble language, saying, “In no uncertain terms, Congresswoman Bachmann believes that slavery was horrible and economic enslavement is also horrible.”

But not quite as horrible as aligning yourself with a faux "family values" wingnut hate group that spells its name “FAMiLY LEADER.” Or for that matter, as horrible as being someone who is so against gay marriage, she ended up in one!

Either way, Michele Bachmann is officially the first presidential candidate (if we can even call her that) to sign this dumb thing, created by The Family Leader and it’s Chief Executive Officer of Ridiculous-Sounding Names, Bob Vander Plaats.

Presidential candidates who sign the pledge must agree to personal fidelity to his or her spouse, the appointment of “faithful constitutionalists” as judges, opposition to any redefinition of marriage, and prompt reform of uneconomic and anti-marriage aspects of welfare policy, tax policy and divorce law.
The Marriage Vow also outlines support for the legal advocacy for the federal Defense of Marriage Act, humane efforts to protect women and children, rejection of Sharia Islam, safeguards for all married and unmarried U.S. military service members, and commitment to downsizing government and the burden upon American families.
In addition, candidates are asked to recognize that “robust childrearing and reproduction is beneficial to U.S. demographic, economic, strategic and actuarial health and security.”

Okay ladies, toss off those burqas, throw away your Korans, and start popping out all the babies you can fit inside you, for America.

And then elect Michele Bachmann for president of the UNiTED STATES of America Jesus so she can take this country back from whoever ran away with it.

A literate, charming black man whose fine chocolate ass a certain M. Bachmann cannot stop obsessing over every waking hour of every day.

No, no not Michele, silly! Heavens forbid! We're talking about her husband, Marcus of course!

Donald Trump Pretending To Be A Birther & Viable Presidential Candidate; Still Refuses To Shake Hands With Poor Schmucks Like Voters

Donald Trump, the loud mouth, oddly discolored, über classy Celebrity Apprentice host who makes a living shrieking, "You're Fired!" at frightened underlings, is still pretending to be seriously contemplating a bid for the once-every-four-years chance to squander his own money to get embarrassingly crushed by Barack Obama in the presidential elections.

And hell no, he won't shake hands after, whaddya freakin' nuts or something?

Anyway, so yeah, Donald Trump is still a few months away from his self-imposed deadline (during sweeps week, no less!) on whether or not to toss his hat with a diamond encrusted capital T into the ring as America's greatest next president...of bad toupees & gaudy, overpriced buildings.

Which gives him approximately another four months to score cheap headlines and milk his li'l faux presidential run for all it's worth. And knowing the Donald, your broke ass won't be able to afford it, anyway, mwahahahaha!

But let's humor him anyway, shall we!?

Oh, look, today must be 'pretend to be a Birther Day' because any Republican worth anything has just got to make up some reason or another why Barack Obama couldn't possibly have been born in the ol' U.S. of A!

"Let me tell you, I'm a really smart guy. I was a really good student at the best school in the country. The reason I have a little doubt, just a little, is because he grew up and nobody knew him," Trump said in the interview that aired Thursday.

"If I got the nomination, if I decide to run, you may go back and interview people from my kindergarten. They'll remember me. Nobody comes forward. Nobody knows who he is until later in his life. It's very strange," the Celebrity Apprentice host added. "The whole thing is very strange."

Strange, huh? Even stranger are all the interviews that just magically appeared from various people in Obama's kindergarten class. Like say, his teacher, Katherine Nakamoto, who in 2009, described a 5-year-old Barry Obama to the Maui News: “He was a cute, likable, heavy build-child. I could visualize Barry smiling, dressed in his long-sleeved, white shirt tucked into his brown Bermuda shorts, and wearing laced shoes."

Weirdo!

Or his third-grade classmate at Noelani Elementary School, Scott Inoue, now a chiropractor in California, who has a photo hanging in his office, "Scott & Barry 3rd grade 1969."

"He was a lot taller than me; he towered above most of us. I don't know why I remember that photo, but maybe it's because he had one of those personalities. Possibly because he was the only African-American in a school predominantly attended by Japanese," Inoue said.

Or possibly because he was really a secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist...from Kenya!

So, where are all of Donald Trump's kindergarten or elementary school teachers and classmates, huh? He knows they'll remember him.

He's probably right, too!

After all, it's pretty hard to forget the fat red-faced bully with spit dribbling down his chin, stains on his shirt, boogers in his nose, who stole everyone's lunch money, ate all the teacher's glue, and whose Pennies-for-Pencils program turned out to be the most precocious, successful Ponzi scheme in elementary school history.

Guess greatness is born, not made.

Meet Virgil Peck: The Most Twisted Thing To Come Out Of Kansas Since The Tornado!

As if the name Virgil Peck isn't freakin' crazy enough, a certain Kansas State Republican from Tyro figured what better way to reinforce all the negative stereotypes of dumb-as-dirt, ass backwards rednecks from the dusty middle of nowhere than opening his big fat trap to say something terrible and insane about some, likely brown-skinned, minority or another.

And boy did ol' Virgy come through! After all, you don't get to represent the psychopathic wing of the Republican Party for nothing!

Oh what, you think Virgil was just gonna sit back and let Arizona have all the rootin' tootin' Mexi-hunting fun? Ha, something tells me we wouldn't be in Kansas anymore then, my friends!

Another day, another ho-hum Kansas House Appropriations Committee discussion about the various ways to exterminate feral swine, including Sarah Palin's #1 favoritest past time, shooting them from helicopters, when suddenly Rep.Virgil Peck was struck by one of those Eureka! moments, about all the other awesome things you could do while aerial hunting, like say indiscriminately shooting brown people from the sky.

"It looks like to me if shooting these immigrating feral hogs works maybe we have found a [solution] to our illegal immigration problem," Peck said.

Yippee ki-ay mother f**ker!

Asked about his comment by the Lawrence Journal World, Peck was unapologetic and said he was "just joking."

Hahahahahahahaha, well, in his defense, he does have a point there. Gunning down immigrants like pigs is pretty hilarious!

But Virgil said most of his constituents are extremely upset with illegal immigration and the state and federal government response, adding he didn't expect any further controversy over his comment. "I think it's over," he said.

"I was just speaking like a southeast Kansas person," he said.

Yes, Virgil. Because everyone in Southeast Kansas believes that America should deal with immigration by sniping brown people, or at least any ruffian who appears to have a skin tone darker than marshmallow or skim milk from 10,000 ft in the air.

Appropriations Chairman Marc Rhoades, R-Newton, admitted Peck's comment was inappropriate, but said he thought Peck was joking.

"Hopefully he won't do it again."

Why? Everyone loves jokes!

Especially when they're elected to public office.

In the meantime, since he looooves the idea so much, an even better suggestion would be to just go ahead and test it out on Virgil Peck.

Just joking!

House Republicans' New Bill Offers Variety Of Helpful Hints On Proper (Federally Funded!) Ways To Be Raped

Ah, Republicans. The kind of wonderful, caring, Constitution-loving individuals who know that when life hands you lemons, say, by getting incestuously raped and impregnated by your drunkard father, Jesus wants you to make lemon meringue pie in the form of Sharron Angle's special, secret homemade recipe for coping with unspeakable tragedy (psst: it's called insanity!).

But if you can't handle the heat, get your ass out of the kitchen, as some enlightened Republicans and assorted other spicy fruit flavors of far right teabaggers are so very fond of saying! Legislatively speaking, of course!

Which is simply amazing! Err, unless, you happen to be one of the hapless harlots dumb enough to get raped, incested, or otherwise unwittingly left with a bun in the oven, and would like to maybe get some federal assistance to help pay for the abortion costs.

Haha, sorry sweet tits!

Thanks to House Republicans' latest legislative push through the congressional chambers to help regulate what women across America ought to be permitted to push through their own feminine chambers, Uncle Sam's coiffers will (God-willing!) be slammed shut in the very near future.

It is called the "No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act," and it is a top priority in John Boehner's newer, brighter, glowing orange House, because it protects your precious federal money from funding wayward sluts who have subjected themselves to rape, lest they be one of the lucky li'l ladies who've been "forcibly raped," which naturally doesn't include a woman who was drugged or date raped.

Those bitches were soooooo asking for it!

So remember to heed the wise words of the Republican Party. Next time you are raped, just make sure that you have full mental capacities, have not been drugged (look alive, woman!), and please, please make sure the guy is doing it really hard, preferably like a deranged jackhammer hard! Because everyone, or at least House Republicans, know that rape is only really rape if it involves force. And plenty of it!

Other types of rapes that would no longer be covered by the exemption include rapes in which the woman was drugged or given excessive amounts of alcohol, rapes of women with limited mental capacity, and many date rapes. “There are a lot of aspects of rape that are not included,” Laurie Levenson says.
As for the incest exception, the bill would only allow federally funded abortions if the woman is under 18.

Oh yeah, and statutory rape. Like say, if a 13-year-old girl is impregnated by a 24-year-old adult, she would no longer qualify to have Medicaid pay for an abortion, thanks to the diligent efforts of 173 mostly Republican men, fortunate enough to not have the reproductive organs necessary for forced penetration & impregnation, like silly women who are weak and stupid.

Hooray!

"This bill takes us back to a time when just saying 'no' wasn't enough to qualify as rape," says Steph Sterling, a lawyer and senior adviser to the National Women's Law Center.

Ah yes, the good old days!

But some like Donna Crane, the policy director of NARAL Pro-Choice America, say that making the "already narrow exceptions for public funding of abortion care for rape and incest survivors even more restrictive is unbelievably cruel and heartless."

Oooh, Jesus would be so proud!

"This bill goes far beyond current law," says Democratic Rep. Diana DeGette of Colorado, a co-chair of the congressional pro-choice caucus. "The re-definition of the rape exception is only one element of an extreme bill that pro-abortion rights groups believe would lead to the end of private health insurance coverage for abortion."

Take that Socialist baby killers!

Of course, if you have any additional suggestions of types of rape that House Republicans can cruelly and wantonly carve out of medical/legal protection next, or are just curious when they are finally going to pass a law granting the rapist full naming and paternal rights over the baby the victim is forced to have, please do not hesitate to let the Republican Study Committee know. They can't wait to hear from you!

***Disclaimer:*** Women and those under the age of 18 are prohibited from contacting their congressmen without proper supervision by a qualified male, equipped with the adequate testosterone levels and reasoning skills to make informed, intelligent decisions about what a woman should and should not do with her body.

Praise Jesus! House GOP Ends Climate-Change Committee Because Global Warming Is Just Another Elitist Liberal Lie

Rejoice America! Now that the Teapublicans have gone and taken America back from the evil Democratic scourge to regain rightful control of the House of Representatives, climate change is no more. Done, gone, finito, forever.

Woohoo!

Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner of Wisconsin, the Select Committee on Energy Independence and Global Warming's top Republican and as such, one of the more vocal climate change deniers, announced they will be getting rid of the the committee when they take over, because now that the GOP is in power, climate change is a thing of the past! The lame, Democratic past, that is! Mwwhahahaha!

So why you wonder does this critical issue no longer need special congressional attention?

Duh! Because Republicans say so, that's why!

Turns out global warming never existed at all, except maybe in the minds of dumb Democrats, scientists around the world, the entire international community, and anyone else with half a brain instead of oil 'n sludge lodged between their ears. 

Why didn’t those silly Democrats just listen to the Republicans all along? Here they are holding hearings about the future of the Earth itself, and the whole time our goofy swirling blue ball isn't warming up at all!

Whoopsies! What a hilarious blooper!

Of course, many of Sensenbrenner’s enlightened fellow Republicans were happy to see the committee scrapped.

“I think that if we’re looking for a good place to cut, not having this could be a good place to cut,” committee member Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn.), said, adding that, “I think that we’ve done a good job of proving that global warming is not a decided science.”

OMG totes! Same goes for that ridiculous monkeys-to-human thing. Suck it evolution! Darwin ain't got nothin' on Adam's Rib!

Luckily for the rest of us, Sensenbrenner promised to continue fighting the good fight to make sure other people in Congress don’t make this amusing little “climate change” mistake again.

But, noooooooo! Apparently some people, like the now-dead committee’s Democratic Chairman, Ed Markey, just don’t see what a terrible blunder they’re making here.

“We are not going away because the problems that climate change presents are too dangerous too urgent for us to disappear into the abyss of cynicism and loss,” Markey said. “We are not going away because China, India, and Germany are not going away as competitors for global energy dominance. We are not going away because the national security threats from our continued dependence on foreign oil are not going away.”

Oh, Markey! They're probably just playing peek-a-boo.

“The politics may change but the problems have not changed,” Markey said. “The problems still need to be remedied by legislative action that comes from the United States Congress.”

Whoa, whoa, not anymore, Ed! Didn't you get the memo? Magic Jesus will be calling the shots nowadays!

Meanwhile, Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-Mo.), who serves on the panel, called it a “travesty” that Republicans decided to axe the committee, saying, “It’s the worst thing that could happen.”

Get a grip, Cleaver! Besides, look on the bright side, the House Select Committee on Saving The Millionaires and Naming Stuff After Reagan isn't going anywhere.

Environmental attorney Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said the decision is “not just a catastrophe for global warming but it’s a catastrophe for national security...We have got to make sure to try to educate the Republicans, and to the extent they can’t be educated, to take Congress back.”

Ummm, yeah, good luck with that. They already called No Indian Giving! Err, wait, or was it just No Indians?? I can never keep it straight!

In other breaking congressional news, the sun revolves around the earth, which is flat. And, also if global warming did exist, it can simply be fixed with tax cuts for the rich. It says so in the bible!

Survival of the fittest? Ha ha, not anymore, my friends. This is the Republican's House, remember? More like survival of the dimwittedness!

Hooray! Right Wing Succeeds In Getting Innocent USDA Lady Fired, Degrading The Race Debate, & Making Everyone Involved Look Terrible, Except Photoshop!

Word of advice to the Obama administration. Next time some rightwing media blight like Andrew Breitbart releases some highly misleading, clearly tampered with video showing (former?) USDA’s Georgia Director Of Rural Development Shirley Sherrod--whose job is was to basically help poor people (of all colors!) not get screwed out of their farms--as a terrible racist like the rest of the NAACP, perhaps a wise idea would be to maybe use your brains and at least look into the facts of the situation before having an administration-wide panic attack and immediately firing that person like some idiot coward.

Just a suggestion. Ya know, one of those "lessons learned" moments. So maybe the next time you get handed a bogus wingnut video proving, without a doubt, that Shirley Sherrod is totally 100% an out-of-context, edited racist, you'll know better than to let freakin' ANDREW BREITBART become THE authority on who's racist and who's spent the last, oh, I don't know, 20 years fighting the very racism that caused all this trouble in the first place?

Just in case you don't feel the need to have another humiliating scandal that makes you look really scared and really stupid, courtesy of fat white slobs who aren't even in the Republicans in Congress! Unless, of course you want the current political discourse to be hijacked by slovenly hate mongers who insist it's the NAACP who are racist hypocrites (and probably slave owners too!), not scumbag journalists whose job is to make as many baseless, incendiary attacks as possible, with the end result being more embarrassing firings of perfectly innocent, slandered staffers.

Oh, and while we're at it, perhaps the NAACP could also try to remember for a second that they are called the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People and not the National Association for Throwing Random Black People Under The Bus Because Andrew Bretibart Tells You To.

Jesus Christ! I mean seriously people. Then maybe we can actually avoid embarrassing White House shake-ups, awkward retractions and apologies, presidential phone calls, and your basic all-around shitshow, distracting from what is really important:

Getting as much, or as little, accomplished as the Grand Obstructionist Party and Fox News will let them.

If they get on their knees and beg for their forgiveness. Oh, and promise to take back all the terrible things they've already done like help poor people and/or children not die from lack of health care, and make sure Wall Street doesn't get filthy rich doing filthy things to the nation's economy, and of course, its easily preyed upon citizenry.

Haha, who those dumb old things?  Don't worry about them. The GOP certainly won't after they bamboozle you out of power, take back both congressional chambers, and control of this country from the racists and bigots at the NAACP and in the White House.

That way, Obama and all the others can go hang with the rest of the unemployed Americans fired for absolutely no reason whatsoever, because America functions so much better when it's governed by Apex predators, who are never racist and have a knack for avoiding unasked-for-media circuses by terrible, discredited human beings (and we use the term "human beings" lightly), who vomit on their keyboard and get decent, hard-working women like Shirley Sherrod the ol' heave ho for having a brain and character, being honest, and caring deeply about her fellow human beings.

In other words, the complete opposite of Andrew Breitbart.

So, congratulations America on achieving another made-up media spectacle based on absolutely nothing and propelling the race debate in America further into the gutter!

Just watch out for Andrew Breitbart, he's known to lurk in dirty, unsuitable for most oxygen-breathing organisms who don't scavenge off the miseries of others.

But on the bright side, isn't it simply wonderful living in a beautiful, color-free world where a black man can be president and racism no longer exists except of course when said black president is forced to run scared and fire innocent, decades-long proponents of civil rights all because the White Man told him to?

Which makes perfect sense, considering everything Whites have had to endure, what with first losing their slaves, and then having to share bathrooms, buses, restaurants, water fountains, and even public schools (gasp!) with them.

Haven't the poor, long-suffering Whites been through enough?

Elton Asks Rush "Can You Feel The Love Tonight?" Or At Least Until The Next Gold Digging Trophy Wife Comes Along

Adorable cuddlebug and melodious voice of right-wing nutjobs, teabaggers, and retired Klansmen from sea to shining sea, Rush Hudson Limbaugh III finally achieved his life-long dream to be married more times than numbers in his name. Woohoo!!

This is no easy feat, my friends! But Rushy couldn't have reached this impressive once-in-a-lifetime once-every-couple-of-years milestone without the help of some good friends, a few fine li'l numbers, a handful of scorned shrews (aka ex-wifey's uno, dos, and tres), and of course a couple hundred mil to make the thought of bedding an obese 59-year-old pill addict more than just a terrifying nightmare that jolts you from your sleep, sweaty and trembling, and thanking sweet Jesus that it was all just a terrible dream.

Guess some gals just have all the luck!  

But that's not it! Limbaugh's newest lucky ladyfriend--wooed by a sudden Rush of $exy $tudness while divorcing his third wife--is a lovely 33-year-old party planner from Florida by the name of Kathryn Rogers.

And party plan she sure did! To the tune of a cool ONE MILLION DOLLARS to have a super famous, super homosexual (gay-married!) British piano player, singer, songwriter, and AIDS activist (ewww, gross!) known as Sir Elton John don a skin-tight unitard, platform shoes, star-studded shades, and serenade the equally hideous star-studded crowd with "The Bitch Is Back," "I'm Still Standing," and "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" into the wee hours Saturday night at Florida's fabled Breakers hotel in Palm Beach.

How exciting!

But the sexiest part (aside from the flamer in sunglasses and space suit, and lovable, bloated groom kissing his 4th true love), was of course the stars, celebs, and scumbags invited to the blowout bash, all 400 of Rush's nearest and dearest!

Cool famous types and upstanding citizens of humanity like Karl Rove, Fred Thompson, Sean Hannity, James Carville, Rudy Giuliani, Clarence Thomas and assorted other oily remnants of the catastrophic disaster washin' up Florida's coast.

A wedding bonanza that couldn't have been any more fabulous if God Himself (no not Rush, the other all-powerful one...in the sky) decided to unleash fire and brimstone fury upon the lucky attendees in a spontaneous moment of joyous apocalyptic poetry.

After tying the noose knot and enjoying their personal Elton John concert, the newlyweds hopped Limbaugh's private Gulfstream jet for a honeymoon in Mexico, Africa and a couple other spots.

Please, please say the Bermuda Triangle...please, please we beg you! Ok, how about a few war zones, at the very least!?!
Not surprisingly, the new love-struck bride also had some very interesting, wise words to say about the couple's 26-year age gap: "I'm sometimes not able to relate to the average person my age." 

Or the average human her species, for that matter.

Either way, I think I can speak for all of America, no, make that the world, when I say a deep, heart-felt congratulations to Rush on his special 4th wedding day—very likely the 4th happiest day of his wonderfully charmed oxycodone-fueled life.

We're sure this time, he really means it. After all, love is the second best Rx there is!

So Oxycongratulations Rush! We wish you many months of bliss.

In other words, same time next year?

Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are...To Tempt Right Wing Republicans & Destroy America With Toxic Gay Blood!

On this darkest of days when freedom died all because evil, liberal lawmakers threatening to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell went ahead and did just that, voting 16-12 to let deviant homosexuals come ever closer to openly serving as an out 'n proud queer in the United States military, A Few Good Men are bravely standing up to this most terrifying threat to humanity since that gay Teletubby Tinky Winky tried to turn America's children into raging mini Eltons and Ellens.

A Few Good (straight, Christian) Men like the patriots and prophets comprising the not-at-all-tainted Family Research Council, now that George Rekers (who?) is persona non grata for hiring persona non straighta for an all-expense paid 10-day European sexcation.

So, now that all that's behind them (ha ha behind!), and the Family Research Council is once again seen as morally superior, mentally stable, strapping pillars of heterosexuality with nothing to hide, listen up America, and heed their warning!

For if thee liberals and socialists cast their vile DEMONcratic will upon the good, decent American people by repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell, the last remaining defense against the terrible temptation scourge of homosinuality will be felled, and America will suddenly be left to its own sexually confused devices, with nary a closeted right-wing minister to guide them!

And then who knows what kind of fiendish, depraved, cesspool of sin will become of the United States Armed Forces, once the DADT sacred seal of sexual purity is lifted?

Straight, petrified soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines getting fellated in their sleep, forcibly against their will. Terrified commanders too scared of being labeled homophobes to do anything about Sergeant Stripes gettin' grabbed, groped, or even Tickle-Me-Eric'd while stationed in some abandoned desert outpost in the middle of Afghanistan.

Pretty soon, the entire U.S. Army will be teeming with rainbow-colored gays, since all the straights will have already quit, out of fear of catching the dreaded gay virus of fabulousness and fashion sense rampaging through the barracks.

Well, the concerned, God-fearing minds on the Family Research Council and fellow freak fringe group America's Survival are not about to sit back (like a bunch of sissy fags) and let the liberal/homosexual cabal turn their precious U.S. military into a "terrifying free-rape zone" where "disease-tainted gay blood" courses through the ranks, threatening the very one woman+one man heterosexual fabric this nation was founded upon!

Sure, their "Asking For Trouble" video warning against the hideous blight of homosexuality may have been removed from YouTube and every other major, (liberal-run) media outlet because its insane, viciously homophobic perpetuation of stereotypes, myths, and lies demonizing gays has no basis in science or reality, but that's never stopped 'em before!

Who needs science when you've got scripture or facts when you've got faith??

Everyone knows that repealing DADT will lead to “transgendered individuals who want to dress up as members of the opposite sex and would cry ‘discrimination’ if they are not allowed to do so.”

Which may be slightly difficult considering both genders wear identical uniforms, but hey a person can dream, right?

"We are today releasing an analysis of publicly available documents which show that homosexuals in the military are three times more likely to commit sexual assaults than heterosexuals are relative to their numbers," FRC Senior Fellow for Policy Studies Peter Sprigg said, based on his very scientific "analysis" of pulling things out of his ass. "We believe this problem would only increase if the current law against homosexuality...were to be repealed."

"Taken together, these figures suggest that homosexuals in the military are about 3x as likely to commit sexual assaults as heterosexuals are." Especially the "most common type of homosexual assault in which the offender fondles or performs oral sex on a sleeping victim."

Oooh, like Rip Van Twinkle?

"If open homosexuality was permitted in the military, these numbers can only increase," Sprigg said. "The number of homosexuals would grow, the threat of discharge for homosexual behavior would be eliminated and protected class status for homosexuals would make victims hesitant to report assaults and make commanders hesitant to punish them for fear of appearing homophobic."

The next thing you know, straight soldiers will be tied, bound, and beaten to a bloody pulp all because they have the good, moral, kind of sex (missionary only!), not the going-straight-to-hell Adam and Steve kind.

"In a number of these cases the victim was sleeping or intoxicated," Sprigg said.

"Under those circumstances, their memory may be clouded and so the evidence may not be strong enough to stand up in a court-martial and actually prove guilt on a charge of forcible sodomy for example. Nevertheless, something inappropriate may have happened...and the victim will think twice about coming forth."

Think twice??? More like two thousand times!

Because then people might think he too is a terrible gay (gasp!), and nothing is worse than that, not even nightly anal rapings by his bunkmate to keep it that way!

Good thing retired Col. Dick Black, who served in the Pentagon during the creation of DADT in 1993, understands these sorts of things.

"We faced this when we started tightening up on rape," Black said. "Women were intimidated about coming forward -- they'd be called sluts or you know they hung out in bars or whatever."

"When it comes to homosexual assaults, if the perpetrator is allowed to serve openly, it will be the straight men who find themselves facing embarrassing questions about what they were wearing the night they were attacked," Black said.

OMG! Then men would be the stupid whores who "asked for it," instead of women, and everything would be upside-down, and life as we know it would be forever destroyed.

See, things were much better when everyone was allowed to rape who they wanted, and no one made a big fuss about it! Women wouldn't have to be embarrassed by testifying against their accuser, and run the risk of being labeled "loose" and men could continue having their forcible way with the hot li'l numbers begging for it by dressing all sexy-like in mini-skirts and stiletto heels.

"I think we're going to see the opposite direction when it comes to homosexual assaults," he said. "You've got typically a one-on-one situation and there would be tremendous political pressure placed on the victims to remain silent. It will be very similar to the situation we had with women 50 years ago when they were reluctant to come forward and report rape because they would be mislabeled."

And that was just slutty women! Who cares about those tramps anyway? But, imagine the stigma if a strapping young manly man had to step forward and accuse a fellow male soldier of giving him the business (while he slept like a li'l angel) after a drunken night at the mess hall? Just think of all the pain and suffering he would go through once people found out about his late-night male bonding bondage sessions and started calling him a gross gay?? It's simply outrageous! Is there any worse fate?

Other than being an uncloseted homo, of course!

Well, that, or a Republican. But then again, aren't they pretty much the same thing?

Minus that one tiny "closet" detail, that is!

$arah Palin's Bringin' Sexy Back To Women By Takin' Sexytime Rights Away From 'Em!

Fearless defender of a pure white America free from gross brown people, and a woman's right to cede control of her own reproductive organs to the evil, federal government, $arah Palin is on a one-woman mission from God.

A divinely-inspired mission which includes a variety of personal incentives for the 'Cuda, like seven-figure paydays, several doctored interviews on the teevee, some awesome ghostwritten speeches from her hand, and of course, many ruined lives and slaughtered carcasses along the way.

Hooray!!

Most recently, $arah's brilliant quest to restore greatness to once-proud America came in the form of defending Aryanzona's awesome new law making it illegal to be a person of suspicious color (brown) while residing in their parched, cacti-dotted desert paradise, unless the chocolatey hue happens to be a temporary side-effect from your two-week vacation somewhere warm 'n exotic, so long as it isn't disgusting Mexico.

Same goes for those hoity-toity, college educated, arugula-eating liberal elitists who suddenly decided to boycott Arizona all because of one little Nazi law that doesn't hurt anybody (or at least not anybody important and white).

"It's time for Americans across this great country to stand up and say, 'We're all Arizonans now,'" Palin said. "And in clear unison we say, 'Mr. President: Do your job. Secure our border.'"

Hear that NObama?

Either you build a 5,000 mile long magical fence that instantly solves all our problems (using no federal funds, of course) or shut your stinkin' trap about "civil rights," "discrimination," and/or the supposed danger of using fear and misinformation to create unconstitutional (White Power?) laws targeting those whose dark hues do not come from fun-and-sun-filled vacays at Club Med.

"Our purpose today is to help the rest of the nation understand the crisis which confronts our state," Jan Brewer said, citing the presence of human and drug smugglers, not to mention those two dingbats running for Senate, crazy old man McCain and that nutjob JD Hayworth ridin' his tail.

The tough immigration law takes effect July 29 and requires police enforcing another law to ask a person about his or her immigration status if there's "reasonable suspicion" that the person is in the country illegally (aka are they wearing a sombrero, maids outfit, holding a leafblower, and/or driving a landscaper truck blasting La Bamba and packed to the gills with darkies?). Naturally, being in the country illegally would become a state crime.

"I think for most American people the reaction to this would be, 'Why haven't the police already been doing that?'" Palin said.

Like, duh!

I mean is it really that hard? Just round up all the browns using the scent of tacos or re-fried beans, a trail of soccer balls, and voila! It's adiós America and ¡Hola! Mexicanland, or wherever it is that human jumping border beans come from.

Both Brewer and Palin refused to say whether they'd support a guest worker program that would allow unskilled workers to temporarily work legally in the United States.

Likely because neither knows what the hell that means but then again, being ignorant and clueless has never really stopped 'em before. They have, however, heard the word unskilled several times. Can't really put their finger on why or where exactly, though...

While President Obama and numerous city, state and foreign governments have condemned Arizona's new SS law, which critics say will lead to racial profiling of Hispanics, Gov. Brewer reiterated her assertion that profiling is illegal and will not be tolerated, despite the entire law being based on this very practice!

"The president apparently considers it a wonderful opportunity to divide people along racial lines for his personal political convenience," Brewer said, apparently confusing herself with a certain current President of the United States. An honest mistake anyone could make!

Arizona Democratic Party spokeswoman Jennifer Johnson said Brewer's the one who has divided people, which she's done by signing controversial bills, and "puts her political survival first every single day."

"Every word she said today was crafted with her Republican primary in mind," Johnson said. "Arizona is just an afterthought."

Kinda like a certain precious miracle of God that rhymes with pig but shall otherwise remain nameless.

Citing her own experiences, Sarah admitted that she understood how some women might consider abortion, like when "for a fleeting moment" she considered having an abortion when she learned of her son Trig's prognosis.

Well thankfully our li'l ice princess soon realized the truth: that abortion is morally wrong and women should carry a fetus to term, no ifs, ands, or buts about it!

"It may not be the easiest path, but it's always the right path," she said.

ALWAYS! FOR EVERYONE! EVERY TIME! WITHOUT EXCEPTION, NO MATTER WHAT!

She did it, now the rest of you are also going to have your babies, whether you like it or not, got it gals?

Ever hear of a little thing called grrrrrl power?

But you betcha keeping gross illegals out of the U.S.of A, and surprise fetuses in the womb, isn't the only issue on $arah's rather large, meat-filled, buffet style plate.

Miss Alaska is also taking her bad, leather jacket sportin' self on the road, across real (rural) America to help elect real, conservative women who know how to field dress a moose (and deadbeat ex-boyfriends of slutty daughters), and restore intelligent, sound policy ideas like drill, baby drill! and live, fetus live! back to elitist ol' Washington, DC.

Palin challenged Republican women, or "mama grizzlies" as she calls 'em to help the GOP "take this country back" by electing lawmakers who want to turn the clock back on rights for anyone who is not a white, male landowner.

"You don't want to mess with moms who are rising up," Palin said. "If you thought pit bulls were tough, you don't want to mess with mama grizzlies."

You betcha, they'll rip your freakin' head clean off your neck! And then toss the delicious remains on the barbie 'cause why else would God make meat?

$arah then read a few more lies from her hand about Obama's health care plan to murder Grandma and special needs babies across America, and had a few choice words for the evil lamestream media for destroying her perfect daughter Bristol's pristine reputation as the knocked-up high school daughter of pure Alaskan royalty.

"Choosing life was the right road, the right choice. ... It hasn't been easy and society, culture sure hasn't been easy on her," Palin said. "Wow, our culture and our media has made it rough on her."

What with all the money and publicity and perks and privileges they so rudely thrust on her, forcing her to be all rich and famous and make videos urging people to pause before having sex and getting an abortion, if their families aren't rich and famous like hers, but instead gross and poor like lots o' other families.

She said some young women would see what happened to Bristol and perhaps be encouraged to seek an abortion instead of facing similar criticism for being a dumb whore who can't keep her hooha zipped up long enough to graduate high school without having to eat for two.

Casting herself as a victim of a liberal media and elite academics, poor, misunderstood $arah said, "Some of them refused to admit I'm even a woman."

Ya know, cause women are usually sweet 'n nice, and don't try to destroy other women who actually use their brains, or don't take advantage of the fact that they too have fertile wombs, ample lactating breasts, and other fun baby makin' parts! 

Perhaps if she put on some lipstick and an apron, we wouldn't be so confused. Or actually helped women do anything other than keep unwanted buns in their ovens, or appear as targets in her election crosshairs to be unseated by real, Republican women who aren't afraid of getting their hands dirty (with oil, baby oil!) or donning a white hood and robe from time to time when shoving more than a few Democratic women out of the way.

America's newest FemiNAZI Sarah Palin knows all about the "new feminist movement" with an “emerging conservative feminist identity” of being both hateful and mindblowingly stupid while collectin' moose piles o' money from the good, God-fearin' folks in small, rural communities throughout the Lower 48.

"I kinda feel a connection to that tough, gun totin’ pioneer feminism," $arah said.

"For far too long, when people heard the word feminist, they thought of the faculty lounge at some East Coast woman’s college," she said.

Which everyone knows is really just code for big ol' man-hating dykes. 

“And no offense to them, they have their opinions and their voice and God bless ‘em, that’s great, but that’s not the only voice of women in America.”

There's the shrill, ignorant, semi-educated voices too! What about them, huh?

Of course, some of the pioneering feminists in Democratic politics (ahem, Lesbos) aren't as enamored of sweet Sarah or her unique brand of fosterin' women's rights by slowly dissolving them for personal political gain. Not to mention monetary!

“She tries to have it both ways,” said former Rep. Patricia Schroeder (D-Colo.), who made a brief run for president in 1987. “If you remember when she first got the vice president nomination she talked about reaching out to Geraldine Ferraro, trying to tie herself into that legacy. Now she’s going to go get blood on her teeth, go out there and growl at them.”

What else would you expect mama grizzlies to do? Rub and cuddle and sing soft lullabies?

“Those women have been out there making the hard decisions for the country and she decided to bail rather than make those hard decisions,” she added, referring to Palin’s decision to resign as governor of Alaska before the end of her term.

Well, excuuuuuuse her for having a Facebook page to run! Ugh, silly women and their jealousy!

Another Democratic trailblazer, former Rep. Elizabeth Holtzman (D-N.Y.), who is currently running for state attorney general in New York, says Palin’s targeting of other women is particularly egregious because of how she landed on the national stage.

“She was elected, she was promoted, she was given the opportunity to run for vice president because she was a woman. Somewhere inside, there should be something that says, ‘don’t kick them in the teeth, don’t look down on other women,’” said Holtzman.

Unless that something happens to be a li'l bundle of joy, I'm afraid Miss Palin lacks that particular quality known as empathy of which you speak.
 
“It certainly doesn’t help the cause of trying to get more women in Congress now, because I think as a whole I think we do a good job of working together, the women members,” Rep. Betsy Markey (D-Colo.) told POLITICO.

“What Sarah Palin is doing simply doesn’t promote the idea that as women we all work together, whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican.”

Unless you mean working together to deny people rights. Because no one cooperates quite like sweet $arah when it comes to dividing people or duping the public into one big, Get $arah Rich Quick scheme.

According to Marjorie Dannenfelser, president of the Susan B. Anthony List, a group dedicated to electing women who oppose abortion rights, "The fact that women feel a little bit more likely now to be able to look feminine...is a great thing, because it means that at least we’re not trying to be the same people anymore. We know that we’re different, we know that we’re equal."

'Cept when it comes to the color of our skin (brown ladies scram!), having control over our own bodies (father knows best!), or in the wonderwoman from Wasilla's case, an IQ functioning above the level of a wanderin', five-colleges-in-five-years drifter with no skills to speak of other than squeezing out almost as much cold, hard cash from the American people as warm, soft miracles from her still-smokin' hot bod.

Welcome to the new Feminist Mystique, Mama Grizzly style!

Pat Buchanan Has Seen Quite Enough Christ Killing Jews Nominated To The Supreme Court, Thank You Very Much

Actual insane person and shameless anti-Semite Pat Buchanan took to his syndicated column on fringe major news network, MSNBC, to ask the one question on everyone's mind following President Obama's heretical nomination of Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court.

No, no not the whole does playing softball make you an automatic lezzie question. Get your mind out of the gutter, people!

The other big question people keep asking themselves, after realizing that not one, not two, but THREE dirty Jews will soon be sitting on the Court, thanks to Comrade Barry's Bolshevik plot to do away with Christianity (and good, white, civilized people) once and for all!

"If Kagan is confirmed, Jews, who represent less than 2 percent of the U.S. population, will have 33 percent of the Supreme Court seats," Buchanan wrote. "Is this the Democrats' idea of diversity?"

How else would the pesky Jews be able to control the banks and media in Christian America?

You see, Uncle Pat understands your concerns. Believe me he does! Why else would he feel the same frustrations as all those black leaders expressing disappointment over Kagan hiring way too many white people while Dean of Harvard Law?

Because as a white Christian male in America, he has been through it all. The shame, humiliation, degradation, discrimination, and persecution that comes with being a person of no color in today's America. He feels your pain, brothas!

But while leaders in the black community may be upset, the folks who look more like the real targets of liberal bias are white Protestants and Catholics, who still constitute well over half of the U.S. population.
Not in living memory has a Democratic president nominated an Irish, Italian or Polish Catholic, though these ethnic communities once gave the party its greatest victories in the cities and states of the North.
What happened to the party of the Daleys, Rizzos and Rostenkowskis?
And not in nearly half a century has a Democratic president nominated a white Protestant or white Catholic man or woman.

Thank goodness there is still one party with the good sense and common decency to nominate pure, white judges, instead of one Christ-killer after another!

Otherwise, where in sweet heavens (or fiery hell) would all the poor, persecuted white Christians go once America is completely overrun by terrible Jews, homosexuals, abortionists, and assorted other causes of God's wrath in the form of catastrophic disasters like hurricanes, terrorist attacks, oil spills, and other indisputable proof that God hates sinners.

So, sorry, Jews! Maybe next time you'll pick the right Testament to follow and son of God to worship and then maybe people will like you instead of trying to kill, or convert and save you from eternal damnation and hellfire.
Not to mention the wonders that getting rid of those horns will do.

On the bright side, at least now Sarah Palin won't mistake you for a wild moose or elk when spraying lead bullets from her personal aerial hunting 'copter 10,000 ft above ground, just as Jesus Would Have Done.
If those damn Jews didn't get to him first, that is.

Rush Confuses Being The Size Of A Volcano With Being An Actual Expert On Said Volcanoes

Vile, hate-spewing king of blubber and blabber, Rush Hudson Limbaugh III, took to his favorite airwaves to seek some desperately needed attention, and also to remind the good (white) people of America that he is in fact, still living in this great land despite vowing to flee once Obama's evil plan to help those poor schlubs without effeminate, multimillion dollar palaces have access to affordable, quality health care, passed into law.

So thank you Rush, for at the very least, teaching us all the valuable lesson that life is full of disappointment, but if one wishes to reduce these disheartening blows, and avoid the more bitter aspects of human existence, they would be well advised not to believe a single word that comes rushing out of his gluttonous, overworked mouth.

Of course, considering the poetic brilliance that typically flows from his massive lips whenever some terrible event occurs (like America electing its first black president or passing health insurance that doesn't just ensure the health of the pharmaceutical companies), not to mention his sizable girth, ignoring the messenger isn't always easy.

Like just yesterday, when El Rushbo grabbed his bestest friend, Mike R. Phone, hit the on switch and began rambling on about how the volcanic eruption in Iceland was "God speaking" in response to the passage of health care in America, because apparently God can't tell the difference between frozen European tundra and frozen American tundra.

(Hint: If you see Sarah Palin shootin' at endangered wolves from the sky, it's our Arctic playground; the one where Bjork is wearing something that looks like whatever Sarah just shot and field-dressed, while skipping around yodeling about how it's "oh so quiet," it's theirs).

Anyway, so Rush is pretty sure that the passage of health care here is the reason why a glacial volcano went kablooey over there, because why wouldn't God reveal his Divine plans to an overweight, college-dropout with a drug problem?

RUSH: You know, a couple of days after the health care bill had been signed into law Obama ran around all over the country saying, "Hey, you know, I'm looking around. The earth hadn't opened up. There's no Armageddon out there. The birds are still chirping." I think the earth has opened up. God may have replied. This volcano in Iceland has grounded more airplanes -- airspace has more affected -- than even after 9/11 because of this plume, because of this ash cloud over Northern and Western Europe. At the Paris airport they're telling people to head to the train station to catch trains out of France, and when people get to the train station they're telling people, "There aren't any seats until at least April 22nd," basically a week from now. It's got everybody in a shutdown. Earth has opened up. I don't know whether it's a rebirth or Armageddon. Hopefully it's a rebirth, God speaking.

Hopefully, the kind that feasts on lying, ill-informed, obese hate mongers (with delusions of divinity), swallowing them up in its apocalyptic fury and wrathful vengeance en route to a brave new world, God speaking, of course.

So there you have it folks.

God decided to punish Americans for passing health care reform (to help poor people not die) by causing an Icelandic volcano to erupt and wreak havoc on European air travel.

Either God's aim is as pathetic as one of Sarah Palin's famous speeches-from-the-hand, or apparently, the All-Knowing, All-Powerful Creator of Heaven and Earth got into Rush's pill stash again.

Forget The Beatles, The Only Thing Bigger Than Jesus Is Dick!

Where does a sneering, creepy, washed up, former henchman of the apocalypse (aka George W. Bush's eight-year hell reign), who is hated by many and loved by few, go when he needs a little pick me up?

Give up? Why to the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), of course!

It's where all the old, irrelevant societal pariahs go to once again feel like a star, bask in the warm light of attention, and whine about that dithering Kenyan menace who hates freedom almost as much as starting wars for no reason.

A place where surprise guests and once shining stars like former vice president Cheney can go be their true Dick selves, and still receive thunderous applause and standing ovations from the adoring audience even while balling the sh*t out of the dumb numbnuts for clapping way too long and way too loud.

It's been awhile since he's been around actual humans, he almost forgot how God damn annoying you people are. Almost.

In fact, if he hears one more of you idiots chanting "Four more years!" or "Cheney 2012!" he's gonna friggin' lose it. He'll bust out the waterboarding table right here, right now, so help him God.

"Knock it off!" Cheney said. "A welcome like that is almost enough to make me want to run for office again. But I'm not gonna do it."

Wanna know why? Cause he's (a) Dick that's why. And quite frankly, this country doesn't deserve his sweet, sourpuss face and soothing monotone voice.

Much like the dumb bastards don't deserve a new opening line and will have to settle for a repeat of his 2008 speech instead.

Hahaha, suckers!

Per his usual Dick self, Cheney's remarks were short, slightly encouraging, and more than a little menacing.

"There are some great years ahead of us and it's very, very important that we succeed," Cheney said. "It's a remarkable time to be an American, a remarkable time to be a conservative. Good luck."

Not like you'll need it thanks to the deranged soothsayer you have to lead the way.

"I think 2010 is going to be a phenomenal year for the conservative cause," Cheney said to the now-hyperventilating audience. "And I think that Barack Obama is a one-term president."

Which of course caused the crowd to pass the normal excitement threshold into utter and total hysteria, gasping for breath in between squeals of delight.

Cheney, who was introduced by the blonde-estrogen-filled version of himself, hell daughter Liz, as part of the off-the-hook, proud "younger generation" of Republicans with equally terrible ideas and similarly demented views of the world, vowed to remain active in the conservative cause.

"I'll do everything I can, but I most especially want to encourage the younger generation," Cheney said of his actions in the future.

In the form of my lovely non-gay daughter Liz, who I've trained since birth to heed the Cheney call and make Daddy Dick proud as part of the "younger generation" of social misfits and human defects who gaze adoringly at this grimacing, decrepit, white-haired, occasionally incapacitated 69-year-old, four-time heart attack survivor and prophet of doom, and think to themselves, thank god this man, no this God, is here to restore America to her rightful place as the Star-spangled Satan we once knew and loved so well.

In other words, the Dick Cheney of world superpowers.

Latest Racist Anti-Obama Right-Wing Outrage Foiled By Common Sense, Simple Google Image Search

Omg, can you believe the nerve of this guy? Putting his dirty feet--the very ones he uses to walk on the ground--upon the sacred 'Resolute' desk given to us as a gift by dear Queen Victoria back when his people were still slaves, and civilized people occupied the Oval Office.

And this is the thanks she gets? A shiny black sole right in the kisser!? For shame!

Well, thank heavens this sort of elitist behavior will not go unnoticed by the throngs of right-wing cranks, teabaggers, and white power enthusiasts scouring desperately for something, anything, to prove this chocolate-skinned demonchild from Kenya has no place in the pure White House of blessed, God-fearing America.

So, in light of the unfortunate fact that it is no longer acceptable to say the "N-word" on the teevee or radio (Fox News included), the wingnuts on the right were forced to do the next best thing and send a furious email about NObama's latest affront to decency, honor, and the light-skinned integrity of the presidency.

Subject: Keep your feet OFF the furniture!

Does this photo of President Obama in the Oval Office convey anything to you about his attitude?

Would you speak with the Chief of Staff, your Chief Economics Adviser, and your Senior Adviser with your feet up on the Resolute Desk – a gift from Queen Victoria to President Rutherford B. Hayes in 1880?

We should inundate the White House with emails demanding he keep his feet off of our furniture.

This arrogant, immature & self-centered man has no sense of honor, or of simple decency.

While this posture is disrespectful in any culture, it is absolutely never done in any executive setting.

Further, in over half of the cultures of the world, it is recognized not only as disrespectful, but as an extreme insult.

He thinks of himself as a king — and not as a servant of the people, humbly occupying our White House for his term in office.

Electing him was an enormous mistake — and will cost us in many ways, for generations.

Conservatives haven't been this outraged since that incorrigible Rosa Parks lady refused to give up her seat and move to the back of the bus like a decent elderly woman. Once again, hundreds of years of tradition, reverence and honor destroyed in one fell genuine leather thud.

Oh and don't give me the whole "George Bush did the same exact thing when he was in office" bullsh*t. Cause it is completely different!

At least George W. Bush had the common decency to be white when kicking back and spitting on British royalty's good-faith gift to their former colonial possession.

Rush Limbaugh Has Heart Attack, But Real Question is What the Hell's He Doing in Hawaii?

Can't Say We Didn't See This One Coming

In a shock to no one, fat sack of pill-popping, hate spewing sh*t, Rush Limbaugh was rushed (ha ha rushed) to a hospital after suffering chest pains in what will likely NOT be the last, dying gasps of an evil and overworked heart.

"Rush was admitted to and is resting comfortably in a Honolulu hospital today after suffering chest pains," Limbaugh's spokesman said in a statement. "Rush appreciates your prayers and well wishes and will keep you updated via rushlimbaugh.com and on his radio program."

So until further notice, yes, 58-year-old failed NFL owner and right wing godfather of radio waves for racists, Rush Limbaugh is in "serious condition" at a Hawaii hospital, where he is resting comfortably and laughing at all the pathetic povs who can't afford to pay their way out of obesity and drug related heart problems.

Ha ha losers.

Either way, all death jokes will be saved until Rush goes and earns them the old-fashioned way.

Happy New Year!

Michele Bachmann Would Love To Be Queen To This "Stunning" King

Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachmann may be willing to slit her wrists for freedom but turns out patriotic bloodletting isn't the only thing to get this right-wing raven all hot and bothered.

That my friends is up to kindred spirit and "stunning" fellow nutball Rep. Steve King of Iowa whose sexy baby blues and virulent homophobia is enough to melt the ice-cold heart of this seductively unstable Land O' Lakes vixen.

In fact, Michele Bachmann is so smitten with this anti-gay crusading, chiseled, stud muffin that she cannot use a single word to describe this sexy, rock-hard definition of manhood other than stunning.

Michele's latest eye-f**king of Mr. King occurred just this week on the House floor when she yielded to the "stunning" Representative from Iowa and proved to the world her true calling lies not in Congress but in low-budget pornography films where her and Steve would be free to strip amendments and filibuster each other all night long.

While Bachmann may not be ready or mentally balanced enough to make a White House run of her own, she does know one studly, testosterone-pumping beefcake of a man who would be a perfect candidate to get embarrassed in 2012.

"I have a very high opinion of Steve King and his ability, so I would encourage him to consider any position for higher office." Or any position where he's on top of her for that matter.

While Bachmann attributes the "stunning" nickname to the national media, political commentators and other such pundits and insiders, the ever-adorable congressman from Minnesota seems to be the only person actually using the stunning label to describe King.

Asshole, sure. Racist whackjob, maybe. Ignorant bigot, no doubt. But stunning? Eh, a quick search of Google and Lexis Nexis seems to prove that's reserved for Michele and Michele alone.

Let's examine the evidence:

I must have my cape on. To the stunning gentleman from Iowa, the great Steve King, I want to thank you for allowing me to be a part of this discussion that you're broaching. And you've done a wonderful job all week on different occasions talking about the true depth of this problem and the positive alternatives. --September 17, 2009

I could never hold a candle to the stunning Steve King of Iowa, so I thank you for deferring to me for a few minutes, and I am extremely grateful for the gentleman's comments on the floor so far this evening. --September 14, 2009

I want to thank so much my colleague, Steve King from Iowa -- the "stunning" Steve King of Iowa, as he is known in the mainstream media, so grateful for your advocacy, and also for that of Judge Gohmert. And Judge Gohmert, I trust that you're a hanging judge down in the State of Texas. --April 28, 2009

I thank the gentleman from Iowa, also known as the Stunning Steve King of Iowa, as stated by national political commentators, who certainly know what they are talking about. Steve King is one of our stalwart patriots who is here on the floor fighting on behalf of the American people. --March 24, 2009

I would like to add to the stunning Steve King from Iowa for his comment. --March 12, 2009

So basically one blue-eyed, raving madwoman wants to bang an equally insane ocean-eyed defender of all things Jesus, moral, and white.

What a stunning coincidence!!

Royally Screwed: The Crank Queen & Her Stunning King

Rage, Racism, And Republicans: A Teabaggers' Delight!

The usual right-wing parade of gun nuts, racists, white supremacists, Jesus freaks, Ayn Rand die-hards, and big government paranoids marched on Capitol Hill Saturday to protest the President's evil health care reform plan to kill grandma and baby Trig, the government's out-of-control spending, and all else that comes with having an illegal Kenyan Socialist Muslim as President of America.

Alternately singing "God Bless America" with chants of "Heil Hitler," tens of thousands of protesters took to the streets of Washington to fight back against the Führer Obama, Nazi Pelosi, and the rest of the fascist, big-government scum ruining the nation.

Armed with the usual tasteful mix of Confederate flags, "Bury Obamacare with Kennedy" posters, and enough colonial costumes to make anyone feel proud, the good citizens of this country proved to the rest of the world just how nutty some folks really are.

Of course not every protester at the big September 11th Teabagger Festival on September 12 focused on Herr Obama and his socialist policies bankrupting America; some directed their ire at the illegal immigrants leeching onto the country, the horror of their sacred semi-automatic machine guns being taken away, and this outrageous unAmerican plan to spend taxpayer money on something other than bombing oil-rich countries in the Middle East.

While most lawmakers decided to steer clear of the fun-filled rage parade, some brave souls like South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint decided to hinge their political futures on the notion that such important American ideals as unchecked aggression, bigoted rage, and sheer, unadulterated ignorance, are shared by the vast majority of citizens.

"This is not some kind of radical right-wing group," Sen. Jim DeMint said. "I just hope the Congress, the Senate, and the president recognize that people are afraid of what's going on."

I assure you Mr. DeMint. We're pretty much freaking the f**k out!

Who Let Grandma Out Of The House Again?

Health Care Protesters Once Again Turn Peaceful Town Hall Into Nazi Rally

OMG. This is it! The big kahuna you've been waiting for to prove once and for all the town hall crazies are nothing more than a bunch of psycho, black-and-Jew hating kooks who run around terrorizing peaceful public discussions by basically acting like a bunch of wild-eyed maniacs whenever said peaceful public discussions take place.

Employing their usual guerrilla tactics of shrieking, screaming, and grunting nonsense about how Obama's skin color is ruining America's health care, these true Americans will not lay silent while the U.S. turns into Nazi Germany because anything they don't agree with automatically becomes a twisted offshoot of the third Reich.

At a town hall in Las Vegas an Israeli man is praising Israel's national health care system because it takes care of its soldiers etc etc, when he is rudely interrupted by this insane hell woman who starts shrieking "Heil Hitler!" at him because that's what crazy people do when they really disagree with something they don't remotely understand but still want their face on the teevee.

So this freak lady continues to pound this poor man with "Heil Hitler!" until he finally snaps and angrily exclaims, "Did you hear this? She say to a Jew, 'Heil Hitler'! Hear? I'm a Jew! You're telling me, 'Heil Hitler'? Shame of you!"

And the evil woman proceeds to cackle wildly and mock him for not even knowing how to speak English good and being positively gay for Obama and acting like a little crybaby just because America's perfect health care system bankrupted him and ruined his life and basically turned him into a senior SS officer.

Score one for the crazies!