The Sweet Freedom Of Idiocy Never Tasted So Good

It's no secret the loyal birthers, secessionists, constitutionalists, and Dick (Cheney) Heads attending Woodstock for Wingnuts, 2010's Conservative Political Action Conference, love freedom. So much in fact that there's nothing they'd rather do than suck the sweet nectar of liberty from Robert E. Lee's slave-lovin' teet.

Freedom is everything to them! Freedom from oppression at the hands of a socialist (black) Nazi from Kenya, freedom to pack as much semiautomatic heat as their little liberty-filled hearts desire, freedom to spontaneously contract Ebola and bleed out in front of the Senate in protest of health care reform, freedom to pray to sweet Jesus above that the President Barack Obama suddenly drops dead (of natural causes!), and of course, the freedom to discriminate against whichever abomination against God is currently offending their incredibly delicate sensibilities.

But who among the usual suspects of homos, abortionists, feminazis, pacifists, elitists, non-Christians and other "ist" tyrants of the Left is keeping the 'baggers from enjoying their piping mug of NON-BLACK tea now?

Give up? Why, it's everyone's favorite scapegoat of sin and hellfire, the almost able To-Ask-and-Tell rainbows!

Well, one patriot of the revolution headlining CPACapalooza, Ryan Sorba of the California Young Americans for Freedom, is seeing red (COMMUNIST RED!) over CPAC's inclusion of the gay conservative group GOProud (yes, they do in fact exist), allowing the hedonist homos to co-sponsor the event, host a booth and who knows what other deviant 'services' they may be thrusting upon the decent star-and-striped heterosexuals. (What, like teabagging?)

But, this defender of freedom from tyranny and gayness happens to know a few things about God and His idea of natural rights. And it sure as hell ain't Adam and Steve!

"Just to change the subject for just a second, I'd like to condemn CPAC for bringing GOPride to this event," Sorba told the suddenly gay-friendly crowd erupting into boos at the mere thought of not allowing their fellow conservatives participation in CPAC. Exclusion from marriage, the military, adopting kids, and discrimination protections are one thing, but being denied the right to teabag on the basis of sexuality is quite another. You betcha!

And they will exercise their God-given right to boo and heckle as much as they'd like, thank you very much.

Good thing Ryan Sorba loves getting booed almost as much as he loves loving women.

"Bring it. Bring it. I love it. I love it. I love it."

"Guess what? Guess what? All right, guess what? Civil rights are grounded in natural rights," said Sorba. "Natural rights are grounded in human nature. Human nature is a rational substance in relationship. The intelligible end of the reproductive act is reproduction. Do you understand that? Civil rights, when they conflict with natural rights, are contrary -- hey, you sit down. The lesbians at Smith College protest better than you do. The lesbians at Smith College protest than you do. All right? Bring it."

He'd know too, considering he dated half of them, that is before they all coincidentally realized they were no longer attracted to men immediately following their Ryan Sorba experience, and instead found themselves running, screaming into the arms of a woman.

It's called the freedom to flee from idiots, imbeciles, and ignorant creeps like you, Mr. Sorba, and you better believe, a sweeter freedom there never could be.

Ooooh, Could It Be A Bride For Ryan?

Forget The Beatles, The Only Thing Bigger Than Jesus Is Dick!

Where does a sneering, creepy, washed up, former henchman of the apocalypse (aka George W. Bush's eight-year hell reign), who is hated by many and loved by few, go when he needs a little pick me up?

Give up? Why to the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), of course!

It's where all the old, irrelevant societal pariahs go to once again feel like a star, bask in the warm light of attention, and whine about that dithering Kenyan menace who hates freedom almost as much as starting wars for no reason.

A place where surprise guests and once shining stars like former vice president Cheney can go be their true Dick selves, and still receive thunderous applause and standing ovations from the adoring audience even while balling the sh*t out of the dumb numbnuts for clapping way too long and way too loud.

It's been awhile since he's been around actual humans, he almost forgot how God damn annoying you people are. Almost.

In fact, if he hears one more of you idiots chanting "Four more years!" or "Cheney 2012!" he's gonna friggin' lose it. He'll bust out the waterboarding table right here, right now, so help him God.

"Knock it off!" Cheney said. "A welcome like that is almost enough to make me want to run for office again. But I'm not gonna do it."

Wanna know why? Cause he's (a) Dick that's why. And quite frankly, this country doesn't deserve his sweet, sourpuss face and soothing monotone voice.

Much like the dumb bastards don't deserve a new opening line and will have to settle for a repeat of his 2008 speech instead.

Hahaha, suckers!

Per his usual Dick self, Cheney's remarks were short, slightly encouraging, and more than a little menacing.

"There are some great years ahead of us and it's very, very important that we succeed," Cheney said. "It's a remarkable time to be an American, a remarkable time to be a conservative. Good luck."

Not like you'll need it thanks to the deranged soothsayer you have to lead the way.

"I think 2010 is going to be a phenomenal year for the conservative cause," Cheney said to the now-hyperventilating audience. "And I think that Barack Obama is a one-term president."

Which of course caused the crowd to pass the normal excitement threshold into utter and total hysteria, gasping for breath in between squeals of delight.

Cheney, who was introduced by the blonde-estrogen-filled version of himself, hell daughter Liz, as part of the off-the-hook, proud "younger generation" of Republicans with equally terrible ideas and similarly demented views of the world, vowed to remain active in the conservative cause.

"I'll do everything I can, but I most especially want to encourage the younger generation," Cheney said of his actions in the future.

In the form of my lovely non-gay daughter Liz, who I've trained since birth to heed the Cheney call and make Daddy Dick proud as part of the "younger generation" of social misfits and human defects who gaze adoringly at this grimacing, decrepit, white-haired, occasionally incapacitated 69-year-old, four-time heart attack survivor and prophet of doom, and think to themselves, thank god this man, no this God, is here to restore America to her rightful place as the Star-spangled Satan we once knew and loved so well.

In other words, the Dick Cheney of world superpowers.

CPAC Goes X-Treme, Adds Snacks, Rap To Teabagging Mix

Guess what America? It's almost the most blessed time of the season, when all the cool kids who love freedom and hate taxes descend on Washington, DC to bitch about blacks and browns, and of course, Comrade Barry's socialist takeover of America during another rip-roaring weekend of Conservative Political Action Conference fun!

But this ain't your grandfather's CPAC! Because much like its off-the-hook, hip-hop Chairman of the Streets, Michael Steele, this year's CPAC is going X-TREME!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you "Epic Nights" at the XPAC Lounge, your one-stop shop for all the dopest pop culture personalities, entertainment, music, and laid back programming you need for a rockin' weekend of teabagging fun!

Whoever said conservative wasn't chic, obviously never got to hang in an XPAC lounge, dubbed the "hub of fun" by one hip organizer. Youth in da house, what what!

There will be video games and junk food and all the cool stuff kids really go for like Stephen Baldwin.

"We're gonna have the most popular games. There'll be Guitar Hero. There'll be Dance Revolution. There'll be Call of Duty," said Kevin McCullough, the radio host who created the XPAC Lounge with actor Stephen Baldwin.

Ooooh, go on?

There will be icons of the right like Ann Coulter and her famous three-foot neck of freedom, hip-hop mogul and big pimpin' RNC Chairman Michael Steele, and even exciting fan favorites of yesteryear.

"I wouldn't be surprised if somebody of Joe-the-Plumber stature came in three times a day to come in and rally the kids," CPAC spokesman Ian Walters said.

Yay! America's favorite fake sanitary worker can tell all the kids how if they work really hard and pay attention in school, they can pretend to be a hard-working plumber too! No septic tank experience needed!

And like any hip, young conservative celebration worth its weight in teabags, there will be plenty of "hip-hop" and "conservative comedy" to keep 'em bumpin' and grindin' all night long.

'Cause here at the XPAC, it's all about the Benjamins...and the fun!

Organizers are putting a premium on the fun factor. The lounge will be equipped with Nintendo Wii and Xbox and will feature about 10 video game stations, two with seven-foot screens. "Old school" games like air hockey and foosball will also be on hand.

It will be the scene of a late-night "rap/jam session" on Thursday and a conservative comedy lineup on Friday. FoxNews.com's Strategy Room will also be broadcasting from the XPAC Lounge.

So while Lou Dobbs moans about how the Mexicans and poors are ruining America outside in the cold, the inside will be sizzlin' hot. We're talkin' Sarah Palin level!

Peeps just chillaxin,' playin Madden, shredding the axe, eatin' 'za, doin' cola, throwin' down beats, pumpin' the rap music, and just kickin' back, bustin' on big government, budget deficits, the whereabouts of that bully Barry's birth certificate, why marriage can only be between one man and one woman, whether you need to wear a cool Tucker Carlson bow tie to be a true conservative, and what a total buzzkill the Estate Tax is.

Throw your Lipton in the air if you're wit me, bros!

2 cool 4 Blue, GOP 4 Life! Holla!!

GOP 2012: Back To The Future

Some Enlightened CPAC Slogans

No Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) would be complete without its annual straw poll to see which Republican candidate is the early favorite to lose 2012's presidential race against Democratic demon child Barack Hussein Obama.

For the third straight year, the lucky (or unlucky depending on how you look at it) CPAC poll winner was none other than former governor of the godless gay marriage state of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney.

Which doesn't mean a whole lot considering Romney also won the poll in 2007 and 2008, only to eventually lose the presidential nomination to John McCain who placed fifth. Expect maybe good news for this year's illustrious fifth place winner Newt Gingrich, if the former House speaker had any plans to run in 2012.

So barring Ronald Reagan's miraculous resurrection, looks like the GOP presidential field is wide open.

Thankfully there's still four years before the elections, because it's gonna take a while to sort through this list of winners. With rock stars candidates like these, the GOP should be a lock in 2012. Ha ha Barry won't stand a chance.

The Breakdown:

• Mitt Romney - 20 percent (Another meaningless win for the hot Mormon)
  
• Bobby Jindal - 14 percent (This even after his stunningly bad Mr. Rogers speech. Impressive)
  
• Ron Paul -13 percent (Not a chance in hell for this maverick)
  
• Sarah Palin - 13 percent (You betcha' she didn't need to show up!)
  
• Newt Gingrich -10 percent (Thanks, but no thanks)
  
• Mike Huckabee - 7 percent (Still here, still not going anywhere. 'Cept getting weirder)
  
• Mark Sanford - 4 percent (Who?)
  
• Rudy Guiliani - 3 percent (9/11!!!!)
  
• Tim Pawlenty - 2 percent (Who?)
  
• Charlie Crist - 1 percent (Called Obama's favorite Republican, the kiss of death)
• Undecided - 9 percent (Aka Joe The Plumber

Will The Next Ronald Reagan Please Stand Up?

CPAC: It's Just Like Lollapalooza, Minus The Music And Fun

How Cute, A GOP Furry!

Ah yes. It is once again that beautiful time of the year when every gun-loving, gay bashing nut job from around the country descends on Washington for a rip-roaring weekend of Conservative Political Action Conference fun!

There, the brightest conservative minds in the country will gather at the Omnishore Hotel to bitch about Barack Obama's socialist takeover of America while giddily plotting the Republican's stunning comeback victory in 2012.

The young American patriots who attend will also be treated to a who's who list of Republican stars including GOP God Rush Limbaugh, America's favorite fake sanitary worker Joe The Plumber, and of course the lovely not-at-all insane Ann Coulter, along with her three-foot neck of freedom.

Although, Alaskan ice princess Sarah Palin couldn't make it, RNC Chairman Michael Steele and Rep. Michele Bachmann brought plenty of youthful GOP street cred by saying things like "my bad" and "you da man!" and other hip stuff the kids really go for these days.

Then Tucker Carlson showed everyone you don't need to wear a cool bow tie to be a true conservative.

As long as you've seriously contemplated stockpiling weapons and food and moving to Idaho, hate the New York Times almost as much as that illegal alien Barack Obama, and think heaven on earth consists of 25 different Fox News channels, you too can become part of this noble party to save America.

You just might have to wait a good four to eight years. Minimum.

Who's Da Man?