Breaking News: Ann Coulter Fails To Realize Wingnut HomoCons Have Feelings Too!

Say you're a confused gay or lesbian patriot who hates taxes almost as much as terrible, no-good moral fabric-destroying minorities such as your own deviant homosexual self.

Now pretend, there's actually a whole group of fellow self-loathing wingnut queers (let's call them GOProud, shall we?) who just like you and Patty Hearst, can't help but align themselves with the very forces who despise them, and would like nothing more than to ship the whole sodomizing lot of 'em off to some remote, terrible, scary place in the middle of nowhere no one in their right mind would ever choose to inhabit, like say, Wasilla or something.

Now let's imagine you and the rest of your butt sex-loving rainbow GOProud pals want to throw a big gay bash, where other like-minded wingnuts with a deep-seated hatred of themselves and their sexual preferences can go and rub elbows (and if all goes well, hopefully other parts too!), and basically feel free to be their fabulously confused, conservative, homosexual hypocritical selves, all in the name of liberty and Lipton's signature brew.

Their very own "HomoCon" 2010! Which is like a big prom for people who probably were either too awkward or too deep in denial to attend their own actual prom, back when they were in high school some twenty years earlier. Yay!

And much like a real prom where people go to dance, have fun, and maybe get lucky and slip a hand up their date's shirt, this HomoCon prom also needs some great headline entertainment, and probably not whichever greasy haired potheads won this year's Battle of the Bands contest at the after school pep rally.

No, no, something this utterly fabulous demands someone equally fabulous as it's big, wingnut-drawing superstar. So you can imagine the nation's delight when it was revealed that none other than expired entertainer and beautiful giraffe necked giant of crazy Christians everywhere, THE Ann Hart Coulter would be the coveted GOProud guest of (dis)honor! Woohoo!

Yes, it's true! The GOProud could hardly contain their giddiness over the prospect that the world's most (in)famous fag hag, almost physics-defying 50ft mutant alien "Judy Garland of the Right" herself, Ann Coulter, would agree to take their gross gay money for the distinct privilege of getting to tell them just how gross gay and repulsive they are for hours of entertaining fun!

Ooooh, Ann Coulter being ummm...Ann Coulter!? OMG, this show-stopper sounds like a must see!

But the real $100,000 question, err make that the real $2,500 question, of course, is who does Ann Coulter love more, the GOProud or the bigots?

Well, now that the HomoCon has come and gone, we have the answer and can die tomorrow, our lives complete.

Turns out, the inimitable Ann Coulter knows The Gays suck even more than The Blacks, because of The Constitution, or something like that:

In one of a series of racially insensitive remarks that pervaded her speech, Coulter added, “Marriage is not a civil right. You’re not black.” It was part of a larger argument on which she later elaborated, telling the crowd that the 14th Amendment only applies to African-Americans and that it does not, in fact, apply to women, LGBT people or other minorities.

Hahaha, eat that ya sick flamers, faggots & bull dykes waving Teabags, you're not even black, so boo-yah! Rights don't apply to your gay kind. Come back and talk to her when your skin color turns from milky white into a nice chocolatey hue and you have an actual case. Til then, go do what you do best, spread AIDS and dole out fashion advice on E!

She then goes on to suggest that the gays should really make friends with the anti-abortion fetus freaks, because "as soon as they find the gay gene, you know who's getting aborted."

OMG totes! One day (hopefully soon!), the scientists will be done implanting mice with human brains and will discover a gay gene, and then everybody will abort their faggot blastocysts, for Jesus. And He won't even weep, or be sad, because the termination of a gay fetus is not a murderous sin, but rather an actual Commandment from God. This is an undisputed fact! Just ask Christine O'Donnell, she'll tell you!

Of course, not every HomoCon attendee appreciated Miss Coulter's hilarious stand up comedy act regurgitating every vicious, hackneyed racist and homophobic stereotype in the history of humankind, which is weird because isn't that exactly what they paid her to do, to be her usual lovely, compassionate self??

Another delightfully awkward moment came when Miss 50ft Thang talked about fisting, right there on the stage:

Coulter also made a forceful case against sex education in schools, accusing liberals of attempting to teach kindergartners about “fisting” (which garnered her a heckler, who shouted out “What’s wrong with fisting?”) and told the crowd that most parents didn’t want their children learning about the “homosexual lifestyle” instead of reading and writing.

So true! Everyone knows they want their precious li'l miracles of God learning how to hate gross gay mutations of normal, decent Jeebus-worshiping folks instead!

Luckily, the awkward tension was relieved when Ann Coulter explained, “Haha, just kidding, there is nothing wrong with fisting!", before teaching the eager conventioneers all about the good kind of fisting, where you fold your hand in the shape of the Laffer Curve, which guarantees every HomoCon attendee's man or womanly goodness will trickle down onto everyone else, and the economy will be saved forever. Hooray!

So, now that HomoCon 2010 has come and gone, and all the jello shots made of holy water, artificial flavors, and shame have been slurped up, perhaps Ann Coulter will go home and reflect on why her much-anticipated coming out speech bombed, shocking all, while awing none.

Guess she must have made the rookie mistake of misreading her audience. Wingnut gays don't hate black people, silly! They hate taxes! And, of course, themselves!

Anyway, only three-hundred-fifty-something days left until the next awesome HomoCon fest!

2011 baby!! Wonder who the fabulous, queer-bashing, hate-filled keynote speaker will be? Adolf Hitler (the original, not the new Arab-y one occupying the West Wing of the White House instead of the entire European continent)? Oooh, keep your fingers crossed! Perhaps Mahmoud Ahmedinejad? Allah-willing! We can always hope, right? I hear George Rekers is available, and this time, he won't even have to scour up 'n down the Internets looking for a few good men (whores) to help handle his heavy loads.

There's already a whole room of 'em! Plus I hear these ones are totally into the whole kinky S&M bondage thing. Particularly, the humiliation part!

Somewhere Over The Rainbow, There's A Skinny Blond Alien Woman Who Hates You, But Will Gladly Take Your Gay Money Anyway!

Are you a self-hating fag or dyke who enjoys getting heckled, harassed, mistreated, discriminated and/or all around abused by the wonderful homophobic (closeted?), fear-mongering, hate-spewing, queer-bashing nutjobs on the right?

If so, then boy do we have the the event for you!

For the bargain price of one pair of Gucci shoes, (or if you're more of the high-rolling sponsorship type, the price of a Gucci suit), you too can reserve your very own spot for the hottest thing to hit New York since the scourge of homosexuality caused those two planes to crash into the World Trade Center, GOProud's first annual Homocon 2010 bash "celebrating gay conservatives." All six of them!

Woooohoooo! And as if that weren't fabulous enough, headlining this one-of-a-kind Republican-sponsored Gay Old Party, is none other than "the right-wing Judy Garland" the inimitable poster chick for insanely spindly limbs and equally insane thoughts, giraffe-necked giant of crazy Christians everywhere Ann Hart Coulter (I know, I know irrrrronic!).

Well Miss 50ft Thang over here loooooooooves them rainbows sooooooooooo much, GOProud figured which long-limbed lunatic better to represent the stylish, well-groomed, pink-hued minority she's always prattling on about than her bad, gay-bashing self?

"The gay left has done their best to take all the fun out of politics, with their endless list of boycotts and protests," said Christopher Barron, chairman of the board of GOProud. "Homocon is going to be our annual effort to counter the 'no fun police’ on the left. I can’t think of any conservative more fun to headline our inaugural party then the self-professed ‘right-wing Judy Garland’ — Ann Coulter."

Soooooooo true! I mean unlike those lame 'no fun police" on the gay left always whinin' 'n wailin' about dumb equality and constitutional rights for the LGBT community, these fabulous fashionistas on the right prefer to have their fun the fundamentalist way, complete with awesome headliners who'd love nothing more than to round 'em all up and ship 'em off somewhere far, far away like Barry's African homeland, where they can be with the rest of their untamed, wildebeest brethren.

Referring to recent incidents in which individuals against "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" chained themselves to the White House fence, Barron added, “I can promise you, Homocon 2010 will be a hell of a lot more fun than chaining yourself to the White House fence."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Totes! Because everyone knows handcuffs should never be used to protest terrible, discriminatory policies that unfairly target a specific group because of their sexual orientation, silly! They should only be used during off-the-hook RNC fund-raising gigs at lesbian S&M clubs. Like, duh! Any moron off the streets could tell you that, even freakin' walking disaster Michael Steele, for reals yo!

But either way, certainly there is no better choice than the Judy Garland of radicals and white supremacists to drum up excitement for an event whose invitation includes the sage, scientifically sound declaration, "Our gays are more macho than their straights!"

They so are! Especially when pretending to be straight, while secretly getting sucked and f**ked by some hot man tail, all the while using their strapping white hetero power and vote to keep dem deviant, eternally damned queers in the closet with the rest of the "straight" Republicans already sardine-packed, sweaty and tight, in there.

For those not familiar with Miss Coulter's extensive, dedicated past efforts advancing the rights of gays and lesbians throughout America, let's take a look at some of our sweet, sinewy spokeswoman's finer, more memorable LGBT moments.

Like her most recent rant against that “irritating lesbian," 18-year-old Mississippi activist Constance McMillen, claiming that heterosexual-only proms aren’t civil rights violations. Ugh, when will those dumb dykes learn their civil rights to dance to Kei$ha and get felt up by the cheerleading captain quarterback are not the same as a a beautiful, normal straight person who actually has a shot to be crowned this year's prom queen?? I mean can't they just stick to their flannel shirts and field hockey and be done with it?

Or back in 2007 when she so lovingly dropped the f-bomb, referring to then-presidential candidate, and still-not-yet-universally-despised-philanderer, John Edwards as a "faggot."

"I was going to have a few comments on the other presidential candidate John Edwards, but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you use the word 'faggot,'" Coulter said while speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference in 2007.

Awww, snap! So, guess that means Ann will be joining fellow blond f-up LinLo and sex fiend Tiger Woods for a 28-day program at a posh spa retreat in SoCal?

Of course, unlike GOProud, that other, slightly less self-loathing organization for queer conservatives (or is it conservative queers?), The Log Cabin Republicans had a slightly more appropriate reaction to a public figure spewing homophobic hate all over the Fox News room into the family rooms of America's highly impressionable public.

"Coulter's words are not worthy of this event or our nation's political dialogue," President Patrick Sammon said in a statement, prompting Ann to clarify her views on the #1 outpost for frustrated demagogues, hate-spewing meatheads, and peroxide-colored former Hooters waitresses, Fox News.

"'Faggot' isn't offensive to gays; it has nothing to do with gays," she explained. "It's a schoolyard taunt meaning 'wuss,' and unless you're telling me that John Edwards is gay, it was not applied to a gay person."

Hellloooooo! I mean what kind of idiot doesn't know that??

Certainly GOProud understands these things. "She came out and said that she was not calling him gay," Christopher Barron said. "She said it would have been an insult to gay people to call him gay."

Liberals in this country want to view conservatives in a narrow prism, but we are a tolerant, accepting group. The fact that she's doing an event for a traditional conservative group speaks volumes for how she feels about gay people.

In fact, the only thing worse than those nasty, heinous AIDS-plagued, demented sex fiends & sodomites is a slimy South Carolina gent with a deep southern drawl, $400 perfectly coiffed hair, delusions of presidential grandeur, and an ego the size of his bank account, who leaves his cancer-stricken wife to make oral sex videos and bastard babies with his very pregnant, very sleazy mistress, who very respectfully poses with Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy dolls, in a fleabag motel while helping him campaign for the highest office in the land.

Talk about gay!

Oooooh, maybe there is hope after all for Rush Limbaugh to MC this year's NAACP Image Awards...complete with 100% non-offensive, non racist blackface and special guest appearance by Mel Gibson.

Only Erick Erickson Understands The Subtle Wit And Sarcasm Of Erick Erickson

Human contradiction and newest superstar addition to CNN's savvy news team of teenage Twitterbugs, anonymous bloggers, and painfully awkward adults pretending to be tech-savvy tweens, former Red-State blogger Erick Erickson is so beyond excited to join the most trusted name in news, that he's willing to distance himself from every insane, rambling, incoherent statement he's ever made, the very stuff that made him famous enough for CNN to hire in the first place!

Oh goody! But what ever will the new Erick Erickson be like, now that he's a real journalist on the teevee and can't really get away with his old style of being the even wingnuttier version of Ann Coulter with a penis?

Well, one thing is clear. Unlike the immature, old a**hole Erick, the new, improved Erick son of Erick certainly won't be calling any sitting Supreme Court Associate Justices, like, say David Souter, a "goat-f**king child molester." Naturally, those days are waaaaaay behind him. He's a respectable member of the mainstream media now, remember?

Like when CNN host turned wingnut enabler Howie Kurtz kindly invited Erick to clear up all the terrible and idiotic things he said, wrote, blogged, Tweeted, and/or otherwise transmitted into the ether, and all Mr. Erickson could do was explain how he didn't really mean any of the toxic spew he's been regurgitating for his entire pre-CNN existence, and is of course very sorry if he offended anyone.

Like when he accidentally called Obama administration health care spokeswoman Linda Douglas "the Joseph Goebbels of the White House" because he stupidly confused the White House staffer with a Democratic congressman when comparing her to Joseph Goebbels, Nazi ringleader and chief propagandist of the Third Reich. He obviously intended to call the Democratic congressman Joseph Goebbels, not Linda Douglas, clearly a simple mix-up that could happen to anyone when indiscriminately calling everyone Nazis.

Erickson is also very sorry for wondering aloud if Obama is "shagging hookers behind the media's back" before conceding that no, he is most likely not, since "Obama's Marxist harpy wife would go Lorena Bobbit on him should he even think about it."

Okay, okay, sure it sounds pretty bad, that is, until you put in proper context.

"Well, you know back during the campaign trail in 2008 , a lifetime ago, frankly, in blogging, I was very passionate, very aggressive in defending my side..."

Go on?

Blah blah blah...."since that time I've really learned that I don't have to get personal in blogging to make my point." That you're an asshole??

Point is, Erick Erickson has learned the error of his ways. Again. And again. And again.

"I probably shouldn't have said that." Probably?

"I've definitely evolved over time." Unlike the human race which sprung right from Adam's rib. Sorry Eve.

And the David Souter goat f**ker comment?

"About the dumbest thing I've done." Other than be born? C'mon, don't be modest, with so many asinine remarks to choose from, I'm sure we can find plenty others that qualify!

Was a wake up call to me that "I had to grow up." But I hit the snooze button instead.

"I've definitely had to grow up over time and realize and realize it’s not just me and friends anymore. I think everyone understands you talk in ways with friends and about things with friends you don't in public." But only I, Erick, seem to not understand that you don't then broadcast your racist, bigoted, borderline insane thoughts to the rest of the world.

Of course, what is really upsetting to Erick is not so much that people were offended by all the dumb sh*t he wrote on his blog, since his words don't mean anything anyway, but that some people had the nerve to yell and be meanies to his sweet, innocent wife or heckle his three-year-old child because of it!

I mean a blog is just a blog, it doesn't mean anything after all. It doesn't cry tears or shed blood or feel anything a real human (like my poor suffering wife) does. Like why the hell did I marry your pathetic a**?

And obviously the new, grown up Erick was only being "metaphorical," like Howard Kurtz so kindly suggested, when he advised his readers to go to the home state of a Washington state legislator and "beat him to a bloody pulp."

Isn't it obvious?

Leave it to the crazies on the Left to misconstrue every word the guy says!

Like just yesterday when Erickson informed listeners on his non-CNN radio show what he would do if the the Nazis, Commies, and assorted other liberal Terrorists working for the Feds come knocking on his door, asking him to fill out some evil American Community Survey (ACS), a terrible and frightening extension of the Census.

ERICKSON: This is crazy. What gives the Commerce Department the right to ask me how often I flush my toilet? Or about going to work? I’m not filling out this form. I dare them to try and come throw me in jail. I dare them to. Pull out my wife’s shotgun and see how that little ACS twerp likes being scared at the door. They’re not going on my property. They can’t do that. They don’t have the legal right, and yet they’re trying.

I mean seriously. All Erick did was publicly threaten public employees with a shotgun to the temple if they dare come to his house to do their jobs. And what does the Left do other than misconstrue his comments?

"Naturally the left is out today saying I was on the air advocating killing census workers."

How dare liberals accuse him of trying to shoot ACS workers when all he really said was that he would pull a shotgun on their intruding behinds for having the gall to step foot on his property?

Ugh, typical arugula-eating media elites. Can't they take a joke?

Like when we say "bloated, disingenuous sack of hate-spewing shit" Erick Erickson, what we really mean to say is "pathetic sad sack loser fraud who's too big a pussy to even stand by his own dumb words that he posted on his own dumb blog."

The "joke" of course being that these are all factually accurate descriptions of Erick Erickson.

Both the classic edition Erick Erickson and the new, digitally remastered beta version Erick Erickson.

Fundamentally flawed, sporadically functioning, ill conceived, and chock full of malicious code that will probably give you a virus either way.

I'm A Mac, And I'm A PC (Trainwreck)

CPAC Goes X-Treme, Adds Snacks, Rap To Teabagging Mix

Guess what America? It's almost the most blessed time of the season, when all the cool kids who love freedom and hate taxes descend on Washington, DC to bitch about blacks and browns, and of course, Comrade Barry's socialist takeover of America during another rip-roaring weekend of Conservative Political Action Conference fun!

But this ain't your grandfather's CPAC! Because much like its off-the-hook, hip-hop Chairman of the Streets, Michael Steele, this year's CPAC is going X-TREME!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you "Epic Nights" at the XPAC Lounge, your one-stop shop for all the dopest pop culture personalities, entertainment, music, and laid back programming you need for a rockin' weekend of teabagging fun!

Whoever said conservative wasn't chic, obviously never got to hang in an XPAC lounge, dubbed the "hub of fun" by one hip organizer. Youth in da house, what what!

There will be video games and junk food and all the cool stuff kids really go for like Stephen Baldwin.

"We're gonna have the most popular games. There'll be Guitar Hero. There'll be Dance Revolution. There'll be Call of Duty," said Kevin McCullough, the radio host who created the XPAC Lounge with actor Stephen Baldwin.

Ooooh, go on?

There will be icons of the right like Ann Coulter and her famous three-foot neck of freedom, hip-hop mogul and big pimpin' RNC Chairman Michael Steele, and even exciting fan favorites of yesteryear.

"I wouldn't be surprised if somebody of Joe-the-Plumber stature came in three times a day to come in and rally the kids," CPAC spokesman Ian Walters said.

Yay! America's favorite fake sanitary worker can tell all the kids how if they work really hard and pay attention in school, they can pretend to be a hard-working plumber too! No septic tank experience needed!

And like any hip, young conservative celebration worth its weight in teabags, there will be plenty of "hip-hop" and "conservative comedy" to keep 'em bumpin' and grindin' all night long.

'Cause here at the XPAC, it's all about the Benjamins...and the fun!

Organizers are putting a premium on the fun factor. The lounge will be equipped with Nintendo Wii and Xbox and will feature about 10 video game stations, two with seven-foot screens. "Old school" games like air hockey and foosball will also be on hand.

It will be the scene of a late-night "rap/jam session" on Thursday and a conservative comedy lineup on Friday. FoxNews.com's Strategy Room will also be broadcasting from the XPAC Lounge.

So while Lou Dobbs moans about how the Mexicans and poors are ruining America outside in the cold, the inside will be sizzlin' hot. We're talkin' Sarah Palin level!

Peeps just chillaxin,' playin Madden, shredding the axe, eatin' 'za, doin' cola, throwin' down beats, pumpin' the rap music, and just kickin' back, bustin' on big government, budget deficits, the whereabouts of that bully Barry's birth certificate, why marriage can only be between one man and one woman, whether you need to wear a cool Tucker Carlson bow tie to be a true conservative, and what a total buzzkill the Estate Tax is.

Throw your Lipton in the air if you're wit me, bros!

2 cool 4 Blue, GOP 4 Life! Holla!!

Minnesota Finally Has A Senator...Almost

Al Franken wins! Sort of.

Five months after the rest of the country's 50 states managed to get their act together and elect someone, anyone to represent them in Congress, the great state of Minnesota remains torn between homosexual self-help guru Stuart Smalley and reformed, grass-smoking flower child turned three-piece suit.

Luckily for them, a Minnesota court has finally decided to put the election to rest, ruling that Democrat Al Franken effectively defeated Republican Norm Coleman and should be allowed to take his rightful seat in the U.S. Senate.

Not so lucky for the rest of us, the sore losers good sports in the Coleman camp immediately vowed to appeal to the Minnesota Supreme Court "so that no voter is left behind" and the circus that is Minnesota's senate race can continue onward. Yeah!!

So what if the race has already dragged through a statewide recount and lengthy trial that ended Monday when the three-judge panel unanimously rejected Coleman's lawsuit challenging Democrat Al Franken's 312-vote lead. Or that Coleman's chance of winning is slimmer than Ann Coulter after a two-week crack binge.

"This isn't about me. And it shouldn't even be about Al Franken," Coleman said. "It is about the rights of Minnesotans to have votes counted so that when all is said and done whoever is elected can have the confidence of the people that they got the most legally cast votes."

Well said Senator, err make that Mister Coleman, well said.

Attack Of The 50 Ft. Woman: Ann Coulter Vs. Bill Maher In Chicago Smackdown!

Stop Pretending You're Not A Crazy B*tch!

For anyone willing to fork over between $35 and $200 to watch an anorexic blonde who's hot in a psychotic alien sort of way spar with a "liberal" comedian who hates Jesus freaks almost as much as dumb, crazy bimbos named Ann, Wednesday night's Coulter/Maher showdown at the Chicago Theater offered an hour and 45 minutes of entertaining fun.

First, it was Miss Coulter's turn. There, the long-legged spokeswoman for crazy Christians everywhere alternately amused and horrified the audience with her insanely spindly limbs and equally insane thoughts.

Like why all liberals are idiots, George W. Bush was one of the best presidents ever, and the idea that a coke-head Muslim terrorist like Barack Hussein Obama would even be mentioned in the same breath as Jesus Christ and Abraham Lincoln is more preposterous than the thought of elitist heathens like you and me paying good money to hear Stretch Armstrong's twin sister from hell rant about how America needs less laws and more guns, especially in church and school.

Next, Bill Maher strolled onstage to give his 15 minute riff on life, politics, and why a freak like Ann gets turned on every time she is booed, jeered, or heckled.

He also corrected a few of Ann's "facts" about Obama's drug use and the economy, preferring to base his opinions in reality, not right-wing nutjob land.

“To start off, George Bush did a lot more blow than Obama ever did. Please don’t ruin the only thing I like about him.”

“There is this debt because George Bush put two wars on a credit card and spent money like a pimp with a week to live.”

Then basically the two of them went back and forth with Maher saying something funny and Coulter saying something crazy on everything from Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin to the war in Iraq, gay marriage, Ronny Reagan, whether Bristol Palin is a whore, and why Ann Coulter will be saved by Jesus Christ while the rest of us piles of liberal sin go straight to hell.

After about an hour of heated exchanges and Ann awkwardly eye-f**king Bill, the two speakers realized they would never agree on anything except making money off of large groups of suckers willing to pay to see a giraffe-necked beanpole of hate say crazy things to a short, funny, pot-loving liberal pussy she's supposed to hate but whose clothes she secretly wants to rip off and ravish backstage.

She'll just shut her eyes and pretend it's Dick Cheney. Umm, hottttt!

CPAC: It's Just Like Lollapalooza, Minus The Music And Fun

How Cute, A GOP Furry!

Ah yes. It is once again that beautiful time of the year when every gun-loving, gay bashing nut job from around the country descends on Washington for a rip-roaring weekend of Conservative Political Action Conference fun!

There, the brightest conservative minds in the country will gather at the Omnishore Hotel to bitch about Barack Obama's socialist takeover of America while giddily plotting the Republican's stunning comeback victory in 2012.

The young American patriots who attend will also be treated to a who's who list of Republican stars including GOP God Rush Limbaugh, America's favorite fake sanitary worker Joe The Plumber, and of course the lovely not-at-all insane Ann Coulter, along with her three-foot neck of freedom.

Although, Alaskan ice princess Sarah Palin couldn't make it, RNC Chairman Michael Steele and Rep. Michele Bachmann brought plenty of youthful GOP street cred by saying things like "my bad" and "you da man!" and other hip stuff the kids really go for these days.

Then Tucker Carlson showed everyone you don't need to wear a cool bow tie to be a true conservative.

As long as you've seriously contemplated stockpiling weapons and food and moving to Idaho, hate the New York Times almost as much as that illegal alien Barack Obama, and think heaven on earth consists of 25 different Fox News channels, you too can become part of this noble party to save America.

You just might have to wait a good four to eight years. Minimum.

Who's Da Man?

Ann Coulter Under Investigation For Being Too Perfect

Smile If You're Insane!

Giraffe-necked darling of the right Ann Coulter is reportedly under investigation for being her usual ray of sunshine self, this time for her not-at-all sketchy attempt to register to vote in Connecticut while already being registered to vote in New York.

Which should come as a real surprise from the original long-legged poster babe of attractive pundits who mask their insanity by having blonde hair and wearing skin-tight f**k me dresses. No offense to Sarah Palin, of course, who has also found great success using this model, albeit the less educated, brown-haired, endangered-wolf hunting version.

This isn't the first time Miss Coulter has come under scrutiny for violating election laws (she was investigated in 2006 for allegedly filing a false registration in Florida), but just like last time, we're sure our dear Ann did nothing wrong and is simply an innocent victim of yet another unsubstantiated witch hunt by the godless left.

My guess is those damn "self-obsessed 9/11 widows" had something to do with it. Or maybe the pesky Jews. Ann always said they were up to no good. And when is she ever wrong?

Slutty Or Psycho?

Publicity Stunt Or Proof There Is A God?

Ugh, not this crazy bitch again.

When I saw sultry blond she-devil Ann Coulter back in the news, I figured she'd either made another insane comment about how "we need to immediately bomb Canada" or was trying to hawk her newest literary abomination masking itself as a book about how the Left hates America and also eats children.

Turns out I was only half-right.

Yes, anorexic Republican whore is (of course) promoting her latest contribution to the downfall of the written word: "Guilty: Liberal "Victims" And Their Assault On America."

But this time around, Miss Coulter might not be quite as outspoken as she'd like.

Proving that yes, there is a God, word comes that right-wing darling Ann Coulter broke her jaw and needs to have her mouth WIRED SHUT!!

Yes, ladies and gentleman of this good nation, your hopes and dreams and prayers have finally been answered.

The bitch has effectively been muzzled!

A Shining Pearl Of Wisdom From AC's Past

Elisabeth Hasselbeck's Country First "View" Of Things

"Women Can Dress Like Highlighters, Too!"

Surprisingly attractive conservative chatterbox Elisabeth Hasselbeck took a break from pissing off her View co-hosts to spend the weekend campaigning with another similarly attractive, strong-willed female, GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin.

Unfortunately, the third musketeer, Ann Coulter, was too busy picketing the funerals of gay US soldiers killed in Iraq, who are no doubt now burning in eternal hellfire, to attend the gals' gathering. Next time, AC, next time!

Unveiling her new Southern' twang at a Palin campaign rally in Florida on Sunday, our sassy Lizzy defended her leading lady against Barack Obama and the liberal media's "FIXATION" on sweet Sarah's new, perfectly reasonable, donor-funded $150,000 Neiman Marcus/Saks Fifth Avenue wardrobe.

Clearly, questioning a VP candidate's widely scrutinized Paris Hilton-inspired shopping spree, is far more sinister than your typical "subconsciously sexist" behavior. It is "deliberately sexist!" And that just flat-out crosses the line.

Race, religion, secret Muslim affiliations, shady ties to terrorists, terrorist fist-jabs, peddling sex-ed to Kindergartners--this is all fair game. Ditto for Barack Obama's "repulsive" $3 million spending waste on a final prime-time ad campaign.

But, Lord help you if you even mention something to imply that Palin and Hasselbeck share the same XX chromosomes.

Like how you would still totally bang this brightly clad Betty and Veronica duo, even if they are some of the craziest two biddies you've ever seen.

Feel free to say whatever you want about the hot piece of man meat to the right, though.

"I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar!"