President Obama Hopes A Li'l History-Making Daytime Chat With The Ladies (Oh & Whoopi Too!) Will Provide A Rosier View Of Things

What do you do when you're the once-charming, suddenly unpopular, most powerful person in all the world?

Why, you go on ABC's popular teevee show with the three ladies and that one insane, talking muumuu named Whoopi or Whopper or whatever, and pray to the television gods that Babs Walters, unemployed homemakers, and orgasm-inducing shampoo commercials are just the magic touch needed to restore all that hopey-changey feel goodness of your 2008 View-fueled Mojo!

Who needs leaked Afghan memos, endless, boring Republican obstructionism, or renegade racist states like Aryanzona when you can make history simply by wasting an hour on daytime television??

“We are so pleased and honored that President Obama will be a guest on The View. The President last appeared on the program in March 2008 while he was still a Senator -- and First Lady Michelle Obama was a featured guest co-host in June 2008. This shows that both the President and First Lady feel that our show is an influential and important source of information and news."

I mean how could that adorable back-up quarterback's wife's Teabagger ramblings, cutesy fashion sense, and daily tear-filled musings on the Bachelor not be considered important news? She was on Survivor for Christ Sake!

Babs totally agrees.

In honor of this rare occasion, creator/executive producer and co-host of The View Barbara Walters will make an exclusive in-studio appearance to mark this historic hour. "I’m also going to appear on The View Thursday for the first time since my open heart surgery in May. I will return full-time in September.”

Apparently, an orange dwarf named Snooki and six-pack with an Italian accent known as the Situation weren't enough for Ms. Walters' to throw back her down-quilted covers, change out of her robe and slippers, freshen up her face, Aqua Net her hair to perfection, and make her first appearance on the show since taking a hiatus to recover from heart surgery.

Barry, on the other hand, is a different story altogether!

Totally beats last month's Skype® with Sherri and the gals!

SO get excited, daytime television watching, estrogen-filled America!!

It will be oodles of fun now that the gang's all here! Not to mention, the guest of all guests, Barry Hussein NObama! Which sure as hell beats that Kate + Eight lady talking about her new 'do and all the fun, creative ways she's cooked up (the one thing she can cook!) to exploit her litter o' kids on the telly now!

President Obama’s interview, scheduled to tape on Wednesday, July 28th, will feature such sizzling hot topics as his "administration's accomplishments, jobs, the economy, the Gulf oil spill, and family life inside the White House."

Ugh, but what about all the important stuff like what he thinks of Mel's recent tape-recorder woes, Bristol and Levi's surprise nuptials, and LinLo's jail time??

Surely, they'll leave enough time for that!

So long as Whoopi doesn't come all drugged out again, and start incoherently rambling about how "we don't know who or what or where" to explain why all the troubled famous people she's BFF with are in fact not the insane racists and wife-abusing bastards we all thought they were, Joy doesn't go into one of her "So What, Who Cares" monologues about sagging breasts, hot middle aged sex, and other such challenges facing aging, hilarious, red-headed NY comedians who love liberal presidents almost as much a nice Merlot, warm bath, and not being married, we might be okay.

Provided, of course, that Elizabeth doesn't start crying about how stem cells are people, and why everyone is ignoring her because she loves freedom, and Sherri doesn't pass out from being thisclose to a real, live flesh 'n blood brotha with a hot bod (hotter job) and positively heart-melting smile, who manages to balance raising two daughters with the rigorous demands of leading the free world, without even peacing out on his nagging, needy wife, it should be a lovely, lady-filled good time!

Ooooh, she even taped it so Jeffrey and her can watch mama talk to Obama later. And then again, alone, after Jeffrey's gone to bed when it's just her, some silk pajamas, a box of Chips Ahoy, an oatmeal and cucumber mask, and her new boyfriend Barry to lull her softly to sleep.

Ooooh sweet sufferin' Jesus, this is one fine motherf**kin' View!

Good Lord, yes! Oh thank you, thank you, thank you, she always knew you were listening up there, girl!!

Ooooh weeeee!

Screw The Senate, Blago's Takin' His Case To The People!

Insane cartoon character Rod Blagojevich is hitting the media circuit in a desperate, last ditch effort to convince America he is not the foul-mouthed, puffy-haired demon governor he's been portrayed as.

In a move that forced even his defense lawyer Edward Genson to quit because it's impossible to work with an unhinged moron, Gov. Blagojevich decided that instead of attending the Illinois Senate impeachment trial against him on Monday, it would be a much better idea to run around spouting his mouth on any network willing to have him (and that shrieking wife of his).

So while Blagojevich charms the nation with appearances on "Good Morning America," "The View," and "Larry King Live," the Illinois Senate will hold a vote to convict him on impeachment charges and boot him from office.

But not because he is a classless scumbag facing federal charges for trying to shakedown everything from Barack Obama's senate seat to newspaper editorial boards to a friggin' children's hospital.

Not even close. It is all part of the vast conspiracy against Gov. Blagojevich for wanting to make taxes too low, doing too much to help the poor and sick, and just overall loving the citizens of Illinois too much.

But if there's one thing this tireless defender of freedom is sorry for it's using such foul language. He would never use the "f" word if he knew it was being recorded. To think there could be children listening!

Better Days: Blago Busy Signing Important "Documents"

Blago Doin' The Morning Rounds

Even That Crazy Blonde Chick From The View Agrees!

All The Gals Agree: Keith Olbermann Is A Douchebag

Hey kids, you can be like Keith Olbermann, too! It's easier than you think.

All you need to do is spout your political opinions to anyone who will listen and then NOT vote. You know, for symbolic reasons.

See, it makes perfect sense. You spend your whole life sitting in front of a camera wailing about how politicians are ruining America and how the public should wise up about what's going on in that cesspool of corruption called Washington, DC.

Don't even get this liberal hero started on that George W. Bush character or the rest of the crooks in his administration, either.

But when it comes to exercising the one right every citizen has to change things--by actually voting--the opinionated host of MSNBC's Countdown is far less outspoken.

Turns out that Mr. Olbermann follows his own unique brand of logic and advice, and in Olby's twisted world, words speak louder than actions.

So listen up as he rants and raves about how the right-wing has hijacked the government and how it is so important to buck the trend and get government back on the side of the people.

And then make sure you do absolutely nothing about it. You know, Keith Olbermann style.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck's Country First "View" Of Things

"Women Can Dress Like Highlighters, Too!"

Surprisingly attractive conservative chatterbox Elisabeth Hasselbeck took a break from pissing off her View co-hosts to spend the weekend campaigning with another similarly attractive, strong-willed female, GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin.

Unfortunately, the third musketeer, Ann Coulter, was too busy picketing the funerals of gay US soldiers killed in Iraq, who are no doubt now burning in eternal hellfire, to attend the gals' gathering. Next time, AC, next time!

Unveiling her new Southern' twang at a Palin campaign rally in Florida on Sunday, our sassy Lizzy defended her leading lady against Barack Obama and the liberal media's "FIXATION" on sweet Sarah's new, perfectly reasonable, donor-funded $150,000 Neiman Marcus/Saks Fifth Avenue wardrobe.

Clearly, questioning a VP candidate's widely scrutinized Paris Hilton-inspired shopping spree, is far more sinister than your typical "subconsciously sexist" behavior. It is "deliberately sexist!" And that just flat-out crosses the line.

Race, religion, secret Muslim affiliations, shady ties to terrorists, terrorist fist-jabs, peddling sex-ed to Kindergartners--this is all fair game. Ditto for Barack Obama's "repulsive" $3 million spending waste on a final prime-time ad campaign.

But, Lord help you if you even mention something to imply that Palin and Hasselbeck share the same XX chromosomes.

Like how you would still totally bang this brightly clad Betty and Veronica duo, even if they are some of the craziest two biddies you've ever seen.

Feel free to say whatever you want about the hot piece of man meat to the right, though.

"I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar!"