Hooray! America's Best Governor (After Sarah Palin) Can Continue Helping The People...Bankrupt Their State From The Comfort Of Home!

Charming ex-Illinois crime boss, popular reality-show contestant, and world famous hair-stylist extraordinaire Rod Blagojevich has been found guilty on only one of the 24 charges against him, the lamest possible one, making a false statement or representation to the FBI (like who hasn't?), with the (braindead?) jury deadlocked on the other 23 counts.

So, now instead of wearing striped pajamas while combing his coif, cold and alone, locked in a steel cell with padded walls (for the rest of his freakin' golden years), Rod Blagojevich faces a measly five years in in his own quaint li'l shack o' steel (oooh I smell a new reality show!), a $250,000 fine, and a retrial.

Justice has been served!

And all of Illinois (and America!) will not be left without the wonderful antics of their favoritest lego-haired celebrity criminal, who is likely planning his victory parade, complete with life-sized, $100,000 floats of his beautiful face, along with lovely wife Patti, throughout Chicago's corrupt Barack Obama/Rahm Emanuel mobster streets.

Hooray!

How the hell did this happen, you ask?

What do you think, they'd come to an actual decision and convict the guy for "fucking nothing?"

Not when they had this golden jury thing going! But for a million bucks a piece (and a guaranteed spot in Blago's next administration), they might be willing to reconsider.

Bidding starts now! Do I hear $50,000?

The Freakin' Awesome Corruption Trial Of Hot Rod Blagojevich, In 140 Golden Words Or Less!

It's been 18 loooong months since insane lego-haired criminal ex-governor of Illinois, Hot Rod Blagojevich, was busted for being the actual insane lego-haired criminal governor and, boy is Blago ready to get back in the ol' spotlight to finally show the good people of IL-na-na, no make that the world, how a sweet, innocent lamb like him could be so horrifyingly misconstrued and wrongly accused of doing all these sleazy, terrible things!

He's been soooo excited for his sweet federal corruption trial to finally begin that he's been tweetin' and talk showin' about it since like, forever. Or at least since unleashing Roland Burris on the poor, unsuspecting masses in one final "f**k you" to The Man.

In fact, Blago (and his swooping mane) is so stoked about the chance to clear his freakin’ golden name that Roddy can hardly contain himself, practically jumping out of his seat waiting for his big moment to shine!

So much so that Judge James Zagel not only had to ban the moron from tweeting asinine 140 character proclamations of his innocence from the court room, but “admonished him to avoid making any facial or other expressions during proceedings, which he had been doing, much to the annoyance of jurors and prosecutors," and anyone not sharing his belief that the Earth rotates not around the sun, but around a Serbian sleazebag who somehow duped Illinois voters into thinking an actual brain, not dense hot air, existed beneath that signature thick coif.

An honest mistake!

But the real question is why is Rod Blagojevich suddenly so obsessed with something other than himself? And not just any something, but a ridiculous social networking site that is basically glorified text messaging on the Internets for tweens, teenyboppers, a bright orange Jersey shore dwarf named Snooki, and of course, every esteemed member of the hip-hop Republican Party!

Perhaps Illinois' disgraced crime boss governor knows something the rest of us losers do not, like how communicating with the public via 140-character one-liners is a sure-fire way to win over the hearts and minds of the American people, and expose its obviously very flawed system of justice?

Rod Blagojevich, due back in federal court today for his corruption trial, meanwhile, has posted 11 tweets since joining the site May 31, with a characteristic how-do-you-do: "Please follow on Twitter for the latest updates. I am innocent and look forward to clearing my name."

Blagojevich's Florida-based publicist, Glenn Selig, said that [wife] Patti is tweeting from her own phone while Selig is doing the actual posting for Rod. The former governor isn't quite up to speed yet, but Selig says he's getting "more and more into technology since he got into the show."

What can I say? He's a fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants type of guy. I mean, the dude really didn't know the first thing about running a state before becoming governor, and that wasn't too hard to figure out, now was it? All you have to do is swear a lot, try to sell anything not tied down (freakin' golden senate seats included), and loot your entire state's funds en route to enjoying a nice, long vacation where they even give you your own nice pair of striped pajamas, free of charge!

Talk about first-class service!

Another really awesome idea is to refuse to act like an adult, for even one minute, during your corruption trial on racketeering, conspiracy, wire fraud, attempted extortion, perjury and countless other criminal charges, and instead make wacky, funny faces and blurt out whatever idiot nonsense pops into your thickly-covered (possibly rat-infested) head during testimony.

It also really helps if you spend every waking moment since your arrest charming the pants off America on every radio, teevee, and/or circus side show lucky enough to score a little prime Blago time. Ya know, someone as smart and talented as Rod Blagojevich to do Elvis impersonations and really endear themselves to the public, showing the good people of the U.S. of A., the kind of stand-up guy you really are.

Why, you'll have 'em in stitches all the way to your next big gig downstate!

For like the next 20 or so years, at least!

Just enough time to plan his next Blago-riffic bestseller: Big Hair, Big Balls, Big Dreams: From The Big House To The White House, The Incredible True Life Story of America's (Second) Favorite Puffy Haired, Disgraced Governor, Hot Rod Blagojevich.

With a special forward from the original, beautifully coiffed, half-term queen herself, $arah Barracuda Palin!

Oh, you freakin' betcha!

The "Winners" In Illinois' Elections May Not Be Clear, But The Losers Sure Are!

Ay, Illinoizzzzzz how you doin'?

Eh, not so well, if you happen to be a resident, concerned citizen, recently elected politician, or just a regular Joe who simply would like to have one elected official not also be a deranged lunatic with a shady past and a rap sheet the size of Rod Blagojevich's stylish coif.

In Illinois? Hahaha, fuggedaboutit!

Let's start with Democratic Sen. candidate Alexi Giannoulias whose tight primary victory was immediately followed by his star-making debut in the National Republican Senatorial Committee's hot new attack ad and brilliant tribute to misguided stereotypes and bad reality TV, called, "Alexi Giannoulias: He'd Make Tony Soprano Proud."

With all the class of Jersey Shore, wiseguy charm of the Sopranos, and wacky, wild Italian-y family fun of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, the NRSC ad is basically a best of cultural mafia cliches rolled into a single two minute segment of bad taste, even worse Guido accent, random stereotypes and desperate innuendos based on the infallible fact that Greek Sen. hopeful Alexi Giannoulias is so sleazy and corrupt, he might as well be Italian. Bada bing!

As if this poorly (Michael Steele?) narrated war on the senses and backhand slap to intelligence isn't proof enough of the slimy ways of Alexi Giannoulias, perhaps the fact that this former treasurer of Illinois used to play basketball with public enemy number one, Barack Hussein Obama, will finally convince the public that Giannoulias doesn't represent change we can believe in, but even better, beliefs we can change.

Through savvy ads that show Americans the truth about their politicians by preying on public fears and prejudices using cheap gimmicks and flashy graphics.

Like that Republicans actually care about the well-being of anything except their own election chances and ability to lie, cheat, and dupe the dumb ass public into actually sending them to Washington to continue to fight for the little people. You know, real, hardworking Americans like Morgan Stanley, Meryl Lynch, and Charles Schwab.

Perhaps former Republican Gov. George Ryan has suggestions for a little Land o' Lincoln GOP comeback? You'll just need to mapquest directions to the Federal Correctional Institution out in Terre Haute, Indiana. No biggie!

"Underneath every issue in Illinois is corruption," Republican Sen. hopeful Mark Kirk said. "The one-party state is not working."

Never mind the five terms he served in Congress. They don't count! That's when George W. Bush was president and government was good and decent and pure. Not the unchecked, power-abusing current illegal regime led by a dissident Kenyan socialist with an unquenchable desire to make the government work for the people, not the Peoples' energy company.

Damn Socialists! With their health care reform to help Americans get insurance without dying or going broke (or both), silly jobs creation bills (haha, like anyone needs that!) and attempts to repeal decades-old discrimination against giving gays the freedom to defend the very freedom they're denied.

"It's telling," Mr. Giannoulias said of Mr. Kirk, "that while I’m talking about ideas and creating jobs in Illinois, he's focused on ridiculous political attacks. What people are looking for is someone who is talking about ideas."

Nonsense! They're looking for someone who is talking about what a crazy bastard the other guy is.

And in the land of freakin' golden things like Rod Blagojevich, that shouldn't be too difficult.

In fact, the winner of the Democrats' Lieutenant Governor primary, Scott Lee Cohen is already more than qualified for a long and fruitful career in Illinois politics, with a solid assault rap for attacking his prostitute girlfriend back in 2005, slamming her head against a wall, and holding a knife to her neck. Hooray!

Since all Illinois lieutenant governors become governors after their bosses go to jail and become reality TV celebs, it's only a matter of time until Mr. Scott Lee Cohen gets to choke all of us in an uncontrollable fit of rage and violence.

But, unlike the normal prostitute-client relationship, here in Illinois, the prostitutes (taxpayers) pay the pimps (politicians) for their services.

Abe would be so proud!

The (Heart) Beat Goes On: Rush Limbaugh! The Musical Hits the Stage Jan. 31

Remember last month when Rush Limbaugh had the whole nation in a tizzy, praying and holding candlelight vigils in the hopes that Jesus would swoop down from the heavens and help nurse their dear leader back from obesity and drug related heart problems so he can continue spewing racist, hate-filled rants as the undisputed king of right wing radio?

Well, you'll no doubt be happy to know that Rush's evil and saturated-fat clogged heart lived to beat another day and brighten our lives with the joy and optimism that comes with listening 24/7 to a disgruntled misanthrope who hates his life and never got laid in high school.

But surely not as happy as the good folks at Second City, who know a "healthy" Rush can only mean one thing: the show must go on!

Fresh off their smash hit about Illinois' deranged lego-haired ex-crime boss governor, Rod Blagojevich Superstar!, Chicago's Second City will be delighting audiences with their original production of Rush Limbaugh! The Musical opening Jan. 31.

But that all depended on the exhausted, cholesterol laden heart of El Rushbo. If something had happened to Limbaugh, "I don't think we could've done it," Second City President Kelly Leonard said. The show "requires a very healthy Rush. I want him eating well."

Don't worry, Kelly, that's one request, I'm sure he'll be more than happy to oblige.

Featuring appearances by good friends, though not of the narcotic variety, like fellow conservative cranks Ann Coulter, Karl Rove, and Donald Rumsfeld, Rush Limbaugh! The Musical is a thrilling ride from Rush's humble beginnings as a pimple-faced college dropout named Rusty Sharpe all the way to his meteoric rise as the lovably obese God of wingnuts, whackjobs, and white supremacists we know and love today.

Coupled with a musical score called "Dispirit of the Radio," featuring a compilation of hit Broadway shows like Spring Awakening, Wicked, and Rent, the production of the talk show host's formative years (ha ha, literally) is a "grossly exaggerated tale."

Much like its grossly overweight, intellectually exaggerated star!

Rod Blagojevich Unleashes The Page-Turning Truth On America!

OMG, this is the moment all of America--no, make that all of the world--has been waiting for! The truth about about what really happened to Illinois' most stylish lego-haired crime boss governor: straight from the source himself. So you know it's all true!

The new, "tell-all" (if the insane rantings of one deranged man qualifies as tell-all) is called The Governor and is going to blow the lid off the conspiracy against that innocent lamb Rod Blagojevich once and for all.

Among the juicy tidbits to look forward to is our faithful hero Blago comparing himself to the Godfather and O.J. Simpson while explaining how he's been victimized by rivals and "unethical" prosecutors.

Of course, when it comes to that "f**kin' golden" senate seat he is (falsely!) accused of trying to sell, Blagojevich calls his efforts "routine," writing, "I was merely engaged in the ordinary and routine politicking that frequently accompanies a significant appointment by the governor."

To be honest, his only thought in selecting a new senator was, "How much do I love the people of Illinois?"

"Had I appointed myself to the United States Senate or even appointed my wife — which again, I could have legally done — our lives would in all probability be a lot different than they are today," he writes. "A lot of people advised and encouraged me to appoint myself senator. Deep down, it didn’t feel right to me."

Swell guy.

But what did feel right was appointing someone with an ego as big as his own, whose unearned sense of entitlement ensured he would accept the appointment (no questions asked) and refuse to back down for any reason, be it logic, good sense, or the rule of law.

Blagojevich also uses his Pulitzer-worthy book to blast U.S. Atty. Patrick J. Fitzgerald for smearing his good name and telling reporters that the governor had been arrested to stop a "crime spree."

"Mr. Fitzgerald didn't stop a crime spree," Blagojevich explains. "He stopped me from doing a lot of good for a lot of people."

Damn you, Fitzgerald! Damn you to hell! What were you thinking stopping Gandhi Blagojevich from fulfilling his life's work helping to save the world? Now we'll have to wait until Rod finishes his lengthy prison term to apologize on behalf of America for getting everything all wrong about the world's most misunderstood Elvis impersonator.

Can you find it in your heart to forgive us, Il Padrino?

Which One Of These Things Doesn't Belong?

I wish I could claim this genius puzzle of heroes as my own, but that would be a lie and then I would be no better than that one insane dude who fancies himself among Dr. Martin Luther King, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and other great men of history.

Yes, living hero Rod Blagojevich is tirelessly making the talk show rounds on Tuesday to remind us again how he is just like those other three icons of humanity.

Which we agree is totally accurate, if by just like, Blago really means the complete opposite in every possible way.

Screw The Senate, Blago's Takin' His Case To The People!

Insane cartoon character Rod Blagojevich is hitting the media circuit in a desperate, last ditch effort to convince America he is not the foul-mouthed, puffy-haired demon governor he's been portrayed as.

In a move that forced even his defense lawyer Edward Genson to quit because it's impossible to work with an unhinged moron, Gov. Blagojevich decided that instead of attending the Illinois Senate impeachment trial against him on Monday, it would be a much better idea to run around spouting his mouth on any network willing to have him (and that shrieking wife of his).

So while Blagojevich charms the nation with appearances on "Good Morning America," "The View," and "Larry King Live," the Illinois Senate will hold a vote to convict him on impeachment charges and boot him from office.

But not because he is a classless scumbag facing federal charges for trying to shakedown everything from Barack Obama's senate seat to newspaper editorial boards to a friggin' children's hospital.

Not even close. It is all part of the vast conspiracy against Gov. Blagojevich for wanting to make taxes too low, doing too much to help the poor and sick, and just overall loving the citizens of Illinois too much.

But if there's one thing this tireless defender of freedom is sorry for it's using such foul language. He would never use the "f" word if he knew it was being recorded. To think there could be children listening!

Better Days: Blago Busy Signing Important "Documents"

Blago Doin' The Morning Rounds

Proving Meek Is Better Than Racist, Dems Accept Roland "No-Taint" Burris In Senate

Temper Tantrums Aren't Just For Kids Anymore!

Diminutive hurricane Roland "Not-Tainted" Burris steamrolled past Democratic lawmakers vowing to block his senate appointment by becoming even more of an annoying distraction than the mop-topped crime boss governor who appointed him.

After initially being refused senate entry and left to melt in the pouring rain, Burris kicked and screamed his way into the hearts of Democratic lawmakers, whose greatest fear is apparently not a tainted senator but a media feeding frenzy featuring whispers of racism and inequality.

But, you can't really blame them for acting like a bunch of hysterical schoolkids. After all, how else could the racist Dems achieve their collective dream of having a white-only senate?

Believe me, getting Barack Obama out was hassle enough!

Roland Burris: Another Notch On His Tombstone?

Stealing $50 Billion Doesn't Make You Bad, It Makes You B.M.!

Mr. B.M. Himself!

Professional sleazebag Bernard Madoff returned to court Monday so a federal judge could hear why government prosecutors now think his earlier agreed upon bail terms of luxury home confinement should be revoked in favor of some nice steel bars and striped suits.

The Ponzi-scheming and possibly soulless fraudster is being accused of violating his bail terms by shipping $1 million in cufflinks, watches, and other looted treasures to friends and relatives during the holiday season, potentially harming investors seeking to recoup some of their $50 billion losses.

But at least Bernie will have a few emergency reserves for when he skips out of town. With Blagojevich in, maybe just enough to get things rolling again...

They always said two heads are better than one.

Obama And Blago: As Different As Black And White

Let's get one thing straight.

Barack Obama and Rod Blagojevich may both be Democratic politicians from the Land of Lincoln, but the similarities pretty much end there.

For starters, Obama is an unabashed White Sox fan. Blago, on the other hand, is a die-hard Cubs fan, although he is willing to sell his beloved team if the Chicago Tribune's bastard writing staff doesn't start playing nice.

A faithful public servant even before venturing into the political arena, Obama spent several years as a community activist in Chicago, where he helped improve living conditions for many struggling, underprivileged minorities in the city.

On the contrary, Blagojevich spent several years in the Governor's mansion, where he engaged in one of "the most staggering crime sprees ever seen in office," including conspiring to sell Barack Obama's vacated U.S. Senate seat to the highest bidder ("it's f**king golden!") and threatening to withhold vital state funds for Children's Memorial Hospital if the a-holes in charge don't start coughing up serious cash for Blago's campaign.

So as much as he'd like to distance himself from the shamed Illinois governor, decent and honest Barack Obama will nonetheless continue to be linked to hometown sleaze bag Rod Blagojevich and his unnatural head of hair.

I guess every Jesus needs a Judas. Keeps things nice and balanced.

Oh, and happy 52nd birthday, Blago!

Bye, Bye Blago! IL Gov. Arrested For Being Even Slimier Than We Thought

The Esteemed Gov. Rod Blagojevich Of Illinois

Well, Blago. It was really only a matter of time until you got caught. Everyone knew you were a corrupt, slimy politician--and a terrible governor. What we didn't know was exactly how scummy you were. Now we do.

And now we can hate you not just for your douchebag hair style or your weird love of Elvis Presley, or cause your name is Rod, but because you've literally tried every trickster politician move in the book, only to finally get caught trying to auction off Obama's vacant senate seat to the highest bidder.

So, congratulations, Mr. Rod Blagojevich, you've officially joined the esteemed ranks of corrupt Chicago politicians willing to sell their soul (even their beloved Cubs!) to anyone, so long as the price is right and the getting is good.

We're so proud we can add a Democrat to the list of former Illinois governors rotting in jail due to a combination of incredible hubris and stupidity. Please do say hi to George Ryan for us, and be sure to listen to his advice.

Ryan may be a Republican, but I am sure he has some nice tips on everything from how to keep your spirits up to the best way to sneak hair gel past the prison guards.

What, you thought Blago's fluffy, is-that-a-toupee look was au natural? Ha ha silly people!

When are you gonna learn? Nothing about the man is real.