America's Special People & Living Warnings Against The Dangers Of KFC Arrive For Beckapalooza

Hark, ye caffeinated patriots of the revolution! Rise up, err, or umm remain seated, ye lardbottoms on your ridiculous scooters, paid for by NObama's Socialist Medicare, so you can stay politically active while remaining aerobically inactive, like true freedom fighters fulfilling MLK's dream of equality and saturated-fat clogged arteries.

Woohoo!

On this most historic, miraculous God & Glenn-blessed event in the history of the United States of America, when loyal patriots of fast food chains and freeDUMB come scooting, limping, and waddling from sea to shining sea to fill the nation's capital with liberty and justice for all...intellectually barren and/or physically immobile bigots. Hooray!

But just what is Glenn Beck's rally really all about, other than restoring honor in the form of oversized, sequined Dr. Seuss hats??

By the looks of it, America seems to be a proud nation of obese white men and women who've either been religiously (CHRISTIAN, we hope) applying 75 SPF sunblock or been living in the parts of the nation that do not receive direct sunlight, such as underground bunkers or perhaps one of Dick Cheney's various fallout shelters scattered beneath the Earth's crust. Yes sir-ee, this fine crew looks ready to help their weeping prophet Glenn Beck "Restore Honor" by confirming every ugly stereotype about a ruined nation filled with dumb white trash waving Chinese-made American flags and lugging industrial-size coolers filled with corn syrup and lard.

But how else will God's golden-haired messenger Glenn Lee Beck and lipstick wearing legend of the Snowy North go about fixin' America, and saving this once-glorious nation, now that's its been overrun by elitist communists of many colors, not just pure snow Jesus white?

Perhaps by gathering the nation's elderly, plopping them in lawn chairs, and witnessing the picturesque vision of our nation’s Soviet Capitol teeming with beautiful wheelchair and scooter-bound heroes dressed up like our founding fathers and proudly waving banners that reflect true American values like "Buy Gold!" "No Buttsecks...Or Health Care For Poors!" "My Body, Your Choice," and "Got Tea?"

How about hanging some Nuremberg-style banners (with a hopey-changey NObama-y theme??) along with some homemade posters with childish caricatures of the Lincoln Memorial, to block that hideous actual Lincoln Memorial, lest it distract from the radiant beauty of Glenn Beck or any other pale, pudgy patriots channeling God's divinity and the dreams of historic black civil rights leaders by turning them into actual nightmares.

Or perhaps just the terrifying hallucinations of a syphilitic brain??

I Went To Glenn Beck's Rally, All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt

Uh oh, looks like all of this man's racist shirts that actually make sense were at the dry cleaners. Oh, and for the record, it's "Mauritania," dipshit.

Speaking of...

The New New Colossus

Oh Lady Lad of Liberty:

"Give me your tired, your poor (hygiene included?), Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free (of respirators!), The wretched refuse of your teeming shore (check!). Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Or Dr. Glenn Lee Beck's "Honor Restored" version:

"Give me your ignorant, your stupid, Your huddled fatsos yearning to buy Bacon double cheeseburgers & The Overton Window. Send these, the homeless (or trailer park dwellers), Texas-toast to me, I lift (with arthritic arms) my zippo beside the gold-plated coin!"

Glenn Beck Has A Dream...That You Make Him Even Richer By Buying His Dumb Book & Attending His White Power Rally In DC

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s paler, pudgier (un)civil rights "brother" Glenn Lee Beck and his army of Teabaggers will be descending on Washington, DC this weekend to commemorate the anniversary of MLK's famous "I Have a Dream" speech for whatever reason mobs of angry white men choose to honor the nation's foremost civil rights activists & proponents of racial equality by shouting racist obscenities at the National Mall (comic irony?).

But it turns out Glenn Beck's dreams of a world dedicated to making a certain golden-haired angel of truth even richer and more famouser by helping push his latest, greatest book assault on the English language upon the unsuspecting masses may have hit the proverbial snooze button.

Because some of Beck's fellow wingnuts and white power patriots on the right think Glenny over here may simply be throwing this so-called Beckapalooza ("Restoring Honor") to help not the conservative cause (whatever that may be), but rather his own celebrity status and personal bank account of freedom.

Influential conservative blogger Erick Erickson said Beck won’t be able to answer what Erickson has called lingering questions about “whether he’s doing it for himself or doing it for the movement,” even with a successful event this weekend.

“People are going to want to see what comes out of this weekend long term — is it a flash in the pan or is it something longer term?” said Erickson. “Part of the problem is that he didn’t hold onto the 9-12 stuff and it’s kind of descended into competing factions and chaos. He is going to have to be careful, I think, to make sure that he perpetuates this in some way or it’s going to start becoming a punch line.”

I know, I know, Glenn Beck, a punch line? HA, impossible!! But still, some on the right are all upset because Glenn's "9.12 Project," which apparently tried to change the way America punctuates dates post-9/11 by replacing slashes with decimal points (or something like that?), appears to have fallen by the wayside. Guess Glenn did not do a good enough job keeping those Teabaggers red-faced and seething with hatred and bigotry, and as a result, they started to get bored and, consequently less full of hate, and this upsets activists very much.

Meanwhile, at least one tea party group rejected Beck’s entreaties to assist with the march, concluding he was offering little in return for its organizational know-how and credibility, while giving preferential treatment to FreedomWorks, which is paying to sponsor Beck’s radio show. The group’s leader, who requested anonymity to avoid antagonizing Beck, said, “All he’s doing is trying to use us to promote himself.”

And the problem with that is? Jesus Christ had no problem using his disciples to spread the Christian word of God, why should Glenny? Besides, why is Mr. Anonymous so afraid of Beck in the first place? I mean what's the worst that could happen? Beck drowning him in a cascade of Vicks VapoRub tears?

“I call it ‘Beckaplooza,’ because it seems to be all about Beck,” said Andrew Ian Dodge, the Maine state coordinator for Tea Party Patriots, a coalition of local groups that has helped stage several big rallies, many to protest what they saw as unchecked government expansion under President Barack Obama and the Democratic Congress.

At the request of Beck’s team, which lacked the organizational infrastructure or logistical know-how to pull off Saturday’s march, asked for assistance, Tea Party Patriots agreed to help promote the march among its 500,000 email subscribers and to provide 400 volunteers to staff it, a requirement before the National Park Service would issue a permit.

But when the Patriots were deciding whether to help with Saturday’s rally, Dodge said there was internal queasiness over the M.L.K. link and Beck’s inflammatory rhetoric, including his blasting of Obama as a racist.

“There have been discussions continuously over the last year about whether he is necessarily a force for good or not necessarily,” said Dodge, who is not planning to attend Beck’s rally and expressed concern that it could produce controversy that might haunt the tea party. “Beck takes it outside of the realm of fiscal conservatism into issues that are more emotional and make you wonder if we really want to be associated with this guy.”

Whoa, whoa whoa!! What did you just say? "Make you wonder if we really want to be associated with this guy?" What are you insane or something (yes!)?

I thought the whole problem was that Beck didn't inflame Teabaggers enough! Now, suddenly calling an Obama a secret Muslim terrorist elitist socialist illegal immigrant thug racist is going "too far?" Is this not America, land of the free, brave, and deranged just cause Blacky NObama's sittin' in the once-pure snow White House? Well, I for one say, it doesn't go far enough!

“We very much appreciate and support Glenn’s general message that he puts forth on a daily basis ... He consistently espouses free market views and views that espouse what the founders thought,” said AFP President Tim Phillips. “It’s a good message—and so whatever direction he chooses to take with this day and this march, we support it.”

Thanks heavens someone remembers the true values of Teabagger Patriots (White Power Nationalists)! Getting used by a psychotic, yet shrewd mega-millionaire like Glenn Beck all so he can sell his awful books and make even more oodles of delicious Ben-Franklin flavored fruit from the free market money tree growing in his backyard. Because isn't that the whole point of being a Teabagger? Hating terrible, unAmerican taxes on the rich because you want rich people to have more money?

Surely, it is written in the Constitution, right there next to the part about how gross poor people should never, ever be allowed to get adequate, affordable health care, but be forced to die in the streets instead, while real patriots like Glenn Beck and Co. laugh and throw crumpled dollar bills at their limp, lifeless bodies.

Just like Dr. King always dreamed it would be.

The Many, Confused Faces Of Hip-Hop RNC Chairman Michael "Balls Of" Steele

Another day, another opportunity for RNC Chairman Michael Steele to embarrass himself with a mind-blowingly asinine statement about how Obama is racist and Democrats are stealing all the brothas and sistas with their policies.

Taking his off-the-hook hip-hop tour all the way down to the dirty dirty of Little Rock, Arkansas, Michael Steele spoke at the historically black college, Philander Smith, where he faulted both Democrats and Republicans (less, but still) for failing to address poverty.

Although the "new" down-with-the-youth face of the Republican Party offered no solutions on how to best solve the terrible blight of being too broke-ass to even afford health care, let's say, he did place the blame on both parties for not talking about the issues enough.

"We've all screwed it up because we focused on the wrong things," Steele said. "At some point, we've got to focus on the right things and those right things start with the people who are concerned about what their tomorrow is going to look like."

Oops, must've been too busy teabagging at the Capitol, shouting obscenities and storming into town-halls in Nazi garb waving AK-47s or something.

While Steele did acknowledge his party kind of f-ed up on the whole "win black votes" thing, he also noted that Martin Luther King Jr. would be disappointed with President Obama, despite being elected the first black president and representing the culmination of his entire life's work.

"Dr. King would be disappointed in the political leadership of this country for failing to address the least of us," Steele said.

How right you are sir! He would be much prouder of the efforts of former slave-owning Republicans and their dedicated throng of patriotic Confederate-flag waving supporters who refuse to watch their glorious nation be taken over by an illegal Kenyan whose crazy, socialist vision for America includes things like equality, justice, and ending the vicious cycle of keeping the poor and disenfranchised, well poor and disenfranchised.

But one wayward student had the audacity, no make that the balls, to question the Steele man's airtight logic in reaching these conclusions, asking the RNC chairman, "In all seriousness, I'm curious what you think that Dr. King would think about your party's current attempts to block universal health care?"

"It's a great myth that we're doing all this blocking. I wish we had that kind of control with the numbers, but we don't," Steele explained. "As I've said to the president many times, 'If that's the bill you want, vote it up or down.'"

To be honest, he doesn't really care either way. His coverage is just fine as it is, thank you very much.

Which One Of These Things Doesn't Belong?

I wish I could claim this genius puzzle of heroes as my own, but that would be a lie and then I would be no better than that one insane dude who fancies himself among Dr. Martin Luther King, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and other great men of history.

Yes, living hero Rod Blagojevich is tirelessly making the talk show rounds on Tuesday to remind us again how he is just like those other three icons of humanity.

Which we agree is totally accurate, if by just like, Blago really means the complete opposite in every possible way.

Making The Dream Reality

Thanks to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s dream, President Barack Obama's about to become our reality.

And in Mr. goody two-shoes Obama's reality, honoring the birth of the great civil rights leader who sacrificed everything, including his life, to bring justice and equality to all Americans should mean more than not having to work or learn every third Monday in January.

Mr. President over here thinks Martin Luther King Day should be about giving back, and is calling on all Americans to volunteer in one of the 12,100 service projects around the country, delivering meals, refurbishing schools, and strengthening communities.

Figures.

Can someone please remind this guy he still has another day until he's president?

Maybe he should go find some kids to push, kittens to kick, or freshly planted gardens to stomp on. You know, just get it out of his system.

Kind of like that other guy Obama's always talking about.