Lack Of Funds, Credibility Dooms Sen. Roland Burris' Re-Election Hopes

Barack Obama's legendary replacement, Sen. Roland "No Taint" Burris, will NOT be running for re-election in 2010, keeping his streak of never being legitimately elected to the U.S. Senate alive and well. Go Roland!

Although Burris has yet to announce his decision publicly, one can only assume it may have something to do with the fact that he was appointed by Illinois' lego-haired crime boss, former Gov. "Hot" Rod Blagojevich as a final "F you" before ditching the pinstriped suit and governor's mansion for striped pajamas and steel bars.

Or the fact that everyone in the state pretty much thinks he's a slime ball like his friend Blago, have repeatedly called for his resignation, and wouldn't elect him to run a marathon let alone a senate seat, had he not been shoved down their throats by a soon-to-be forgotten hairball with a funny name.

Poor Roland tried his hardest, but alas his inability to raise campaign funds proved to be more than even a pint-sized hurricane like Burris could handle. But on the bright side, at least he earned another notch on his personal tribute to himself, The Roland Burris Tombstone of political heroes and Illinois legends.

He's the one next to Abraham Lincoln.

Judge Rules Against Sending Forgotten Hairball Rod Blagojevich To Costa Rican Jungle

In a slap in the face to decent Americans across the country, a federal judge in Chicago denied forgotten hairball Rod Blagojevich's insane request to travel to Costa Rica to participate in a reality TV show called "I'm a Celebrity ... Get me Out of Here!"

Calling it a "bad idea" to modify Blagojevich's bail terms to allow the puffy-haired, federally-indicted former crime boss governor to travel outside the U.S., federal Judge James Zagel effectively dashed the public's hopes of getting rid of the bumbling moron for at least a few precious weeks in June.

While Judge Zagel sympathized with Blago's financial woes, he said there were "other ways for the ousted Gov. to earn money," other than putting insects, worms and rats in his pants, sitting in a tank of leeches and wading through snake and eel-filled swamps in the Costa Rican jungles for the chance to earn $123,250, if voters can stand looking at Mr. Lego head for the full 12-episodes.

Before this morning's hearing, Rod Gandhi Blagojevich told reporters he wanted to participate in the reality show as "a way to earn a living and support my children."

"It's not my first choice, but it's a living," he said.

I mean what the bleeping hell does a guy gotta do to earn a little friggin' dough around here, anyway?

This One's Got Pulitzer Written All Over It!

Ca-ching! Since selling that senate seat didn't really pan out, forgotten hairball Rod Blagojevich is finally cashing in with a new six-figure deal for his tell-all book "exposing the dark side of politics."

Phoenix Books has agreed to pay Blago a cool $100,000 to pen his thrilling tale The Governor even though it will "reveal information that at times will be embarrassing to himself as well as to others."

Embarrassing?? Well, that shouldn't be too much of a problem for our old pal Blagojevich. I mean you can't be embarrassed if you never had any dignity in the first place, right?

Besides, you'd have to be crazy to pass up a bleeping golden opportunity like this!

Which One Of These Things Doesn't Belong?

I wish I could claim this genius puzzle of heroes as my own, but that would be a lie and then I would be no better than that one insane dude who fancies himself among Dr. Martin Luther King, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and other great men of history.

Yes, living hero Rod Blagojevich is tirelessly making the talk show rounds on Tuesday to remind us again how he is just like those other three icons of humanity.

Which we agree is totally accurate, if by just like, Blago really means the complete opposite in every possible way.

Screw The Senate, Blago's Takin' His Case To The People!

Insane cartoon character Rod Blagojevich is hitting the media circuit in a desperate, last ditch effort to convince America he is not the foul-mouthed, puffy-haired demon governor he's been portrayed as.

In a move that forced even his defense lawyer Edward Genson to quit because it's impossible to work with an unhinged moron, Gov. Blagojevich decided that instead of attending the Illinois Senate impeachment trial against him on Monday, it would be a much better idea to run around spouting his mouth on any network willing to have him (and that shrieking wife of his).

So while Blagojevich charms the nation with appearances on "Good Morning America," "The View," and "Larry King Live," the Illinois Senate will hold a vote to convict him on impeachment charges and boot him from office.

But not because he is a classless scumbag facing federal charges for trying to shakedown everything from Barack Obama's senate seat to newspaper editorial boards to a friggin' children's hospital.

Not even close. It is all part of the vast conspiracy against Gov. Blagojevich for wanting to make taxes too low, doing too much to help the poor and sick, and just overall loving the citizens of Illinois too much.

But if there's one thing this tireless defender of freedom is sorry for it's using such foul language. He would never use the "f" word if he knew it was being recorded. To think there could be children listening!

Better Days: Blago Busy Signing Important "Documents"

Blago Doin' The Morning Rounds