Memoirs Of A Dick

Just in case you haven't had enough Dick (Cheney, that is) lately, you'll be happy to know the former Bush VP has decided to grace the world with his first memoir to be published in Spring 2011, just a few months after Dubya's highly anticipated novel debuts. OMG, 2011 is gonna be awesome!

Now, normally Dick is not one to bask in the spotlight or, for that matter, any light since his primary place of residence is a dank hole 300 feet below the surface of the Earth.

But the more he thought about it, the more the 68-year-old Cheney realized he had a lot to say about his 40 or so years of government service, dating all the way back to the hippie-drenched era of the 1960s. ***Shudder***

His as-of-now still untitled book will cover his loooooong career destroying society, from chief of staff under President Gerald Ford to vice president under George W. Bush to his present-day job as the nation's foremost Prophet of Doom. In between his four heart attacks and numerous surgeries, Cheney still managed to dedicate his life to serving his country--be it torturing enemies, bombing oil-rich countries worth huge rebuilding contracts, watching the Twin Towers burn, New Orleans drown, or just shooting friends. A real American hero, that Dick!

Plus, he wants to set the record straight that he is not in fact Darth Vader or worse, some lab project in Victor Frankenstein's basement.

"I'm persuaded there are a lot of interesting stories that ought to be told," Cheney said. "I want my grandkids, 20 or 30 years from now, to be able to read it and understand what I did, and why I did it."

That way they'll be able to smile proudly and say with confidence, "That's my granddaddy who ruined America!"

The Smartest Thing The Man's Never Said

Unlike the rest of the doomsday Republicans, former president George W. Bush isn't about to jump on the bandwagon of relentless Obama-bashing just because it's cool to gang up on the guy making the decisions.

You see, Bush knows what it's like being "The Decider," and making the tough choices for the good of the country often means making the unpopular choices.

"I'm not going to spend my time criticizing him. There are plenty of critics in the arena. He deserves my silence."

The courtesy does not extend to the rest of us. Instead, Dubya has a little treat he's been working on since leaving office--a new presidential memoir scheduled for 2010!

But unlike the traditional snoozefests from former presidents with their big words and small font, Bush plans to make his a little different; more exciting. Kind of like a Dummies Guide To Being President.

His book, tentatively (not decisively) titled “Decision Points” will focus on some of W's most momentous personal and presidential choices, including his life-changing decisions to quit his hard-partying, boozy ways at the age of 30, find Jesus, pick an evil troll named Dick Cheney as his running mate, let New Orleans drown, bankrupt the nation, and start two wars but still fail to capture 9/11 mastermind Osama bin Laden 7 years after he sent two planes barreling into New York City.

"I want people to understand the environment in which I was making decisions. I want people to get a sense of how decisions were made, and I want people to understand the options that were placed before me."

Only then will they be able to appreciate the kind of true greatness it takes to screw everything up this badly.

Long Live #43!

This One's Got Pulitzer Written All Over It!

Ca-ching! Since selling that senate seat didn't really pan out, forgotten hairball Rod Blagojevich is finally cashing in with a new six-figure deal for his tell-all book "exposing the dark side of politics."

Phoenix Books has agreed to pay Blago a cool $100,000 to pen his thrilling tale The Governor even though it will "reveal information that at times will be embarrassing to himself as well as to others."

Embarrassing?? Well, that shouldn't be too much of a problem for our old pal Blagojevich. I mean you can't be embarrassed if you never had any dignity in the first place, right?

Besides, you'd have to be crazy to pass up a bleeping golden opportunity like this!