The Beat Goes On: The Still Pumping (Though Still Not Feeling) "Heart" Of Deadeye Dick

There may be ten (declassified?) ways America's former Vice President of Doom Darth Vader Dick Cheney can kill you, and likely rip your-still beating heart right out of your chest, but oddly enough, there only seems to be one way to kill him, err at least try. But, much like his eight-year reign of hell, even offing the bastard doesn't seem to have a very high success rate.

Which is a darn shame, too! Guess you can't always get what you want?

Former Vice President Dick Cheney has been admitted to George Washington University Hospital due to unspecified discomfort. The 69-year-old conservative has a history of heart disease and surgery, including a bypass 22 years ago, which didn’t end the problem; Cheney suffered his fifth heart attack since age 37 six months ago. Nine years ago, doctors installed a pacemaker, and just two years ago, he received an electric shock treatment to restore a normal rhythm to his heart. This time, Cheney simply reported some discomfort and has been admitted for the weekend to undergo testing.

Oh irony of ironies! When we, the schmucky public, simply reported feeling some unspecified discomfort during his almost decade long terror spree, we too were admitted to a secure location to undergo testing.

Main difference being, of course, that our secure location wasn't a renowned, cozy hospital in metropolitan D.C., but a secret terrorist compound in scary, remote Guantanamo Bay. And our testing consisted not of state-of-the-art computers gently monitoring our tired, overworked hearts, but wires strapped to our testicles and/or other delicate parts, not-so-gently measuring how much pain living persons can withstand before passing out unconscious.

All this before being promptly resuscitated with a continuous bath of ice-cold Evian 'til we, gasping for air, and positive we were drowning, begged for sweet mercy, blindfolded and strapped upside down to a wooden table, in some creepy prison cell in Communist Cuba.

Oh yeah, and another tiny difference is those "patients" never came back. Must have been all the first-class, one-on-one medical attention given to 'em!

This maniac, on the other hand, keeps going and going and going and going...

Sort of like the Energizer bunny. If the lovable pink li'l bugger was really a demonic sociopath with a permanent sneer and a sick fetish for making people squeal like stuck little piggies, who scoffs at mortal things like five heart attacks (for freedom!) all before the spry age of 69.

Ha ha, you're gonna need to bring more than a handful of major organ failures (pussy!) to turn this red hot Dick cold and flaccid.

Dude didn't even come out in daylight during his vice-presidential tenure ruining America; it was only after NObama became The Decider that ol' Dick decided unleash his adorable mug and soothing, melodious voice 24/7 on the unsuspecting public like some never-ending, Barry-bashing nightmare.

"Am I the evil genius in the corner that nobody ever sees come out of his hole? It's a nice way to operate, actually," Cheney joked, mocking his nickname "Darth Vader" during a 2004 interview.

Unlike those other lame, weak-kneed Republicans with silly consciences who acknowledged mistakes were made after 9/11, and expressed doubts about unlawful, indefinite detentions and/or torturing terror suspects in U.S. custody, Dick didn't so much as think twice.

"I feel very good about what we did. I think it was the right thing to do. If I was faced with those circumstances again, I'd do exactly the same thing," he said.

Oh, Dick! They sure don't call you that for nothing!

Hell, even heart attacks are scared sh*tless of this lunatic freak of nature.

Sure, it may be true that only the good die young. But only the Epically Evil defy death five times since disco was cool and and a straight man could look sexy in skin-tight hiphuggers, while wiggling his hips and thrusting one finger into the air, up and down across his body.

And judging by his body of work twisted trail of death and destruction, looks like this Dick's got a good 50-plus years ahead of him.

Assuming he is comprised of actual oxygen, carbon, inorganic salts, lipids, carbohydrates, billions of cells, nucleic acids, and other trace elements, not poisonous gas, crude oil, corporate power, various machinery, fat gobs of blubber, pure bitterness and unbridled rage.

On the bright side, his corpulent hide could be the exact plug we've been looking for to stop that darn leaking hole in the gulf.

Something tells me he won't mind. After all, he's always been a huge fan of gushing water-based solutions to problems.

Not to mention, all that oil helps keep his artificial body parts free of corrosion, rust, and those awful squeaks, squeals, and screeches.

Ugh, those noises can be so unpleasant when coming from places other than human mouths!

Joe Biden Promises Gays Equal Rights...One Of These Days

The good thing about being president is you can always send your vice-president to do the annoying sh*t you don't want to do yourself.

Like dealing with those angry gays and lesbians. And boy are they pissed at old Barry! They think he doesn't care about them now that he's the president of the world and all. So what better way to cool off heated temps than by sending soft-spoken man of the people Joe Biden to smooth things over with the slighted rainbows?

You see fightin' Joe Biden understands the anger the GLBT community is feeling towards Obama, and to be perfectly frank, he doesn't blame them for their frustrations. I mean Barry is kinda acting like a dick, but fear not because Joe is on your side. He'll "put some pace on the ball" in terms of actually trying to get you queers the rights and protections everyone keeps promising you until they actually get elected. Maybe then you'll finally stop bitching for once.

"I am not unaware of the controversy swirling around this dinner and swirling around the speed or lack thereof that we are moving on issues that are of great importance to you...I don't blame you for your impatience. But I hope you don't doubt the president's commitment."

I mean look on the bright side people, Obama did appoint 60 of your fellow pink brethren, including nine that require Senate confirmation. So, despite the administration's lack of progress on the Defense of Marriage Act, Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and virtually every other gay issue, rest assured that the administration is committed to "the unfinished business of true equality."

Joe will be the first to tell you that gay and lesbian concerns will not be "delayed, put off or not end up on Obama's plate" because he is dealing with so many other issues.

"I promise you with your help we'll get there in this administration," even going as far as to say that if the country achieves real equality, "I will have marked my term as vice president as being truly worthwhile."

But on the off chance he does fail, just remember it's all the gays' fault. Oh and lesbians too.

Memoirs Of A Dick

Just in case you haven't had enough Dick (Cheney, that is) lately, you'll be happy to know the former Bush VP has decided to grace the world with his first memoir to be published in Spring 2011, just a few months after Dubya's highly anticipated novel debuts. OMG, 2011 is gonna be awesome!

Now, normally Dick is not one to bask in the spotlight or, for that matter, any light since his primary place of residence is a dank hole 300 feet below the surface of the Earth.

But the more he thought about it, the more the 68-year-old Cheney realized he had a lot to say about his 40 or so years of government service, dating all the way back to the hippie-drenched era of the 1960s. ***Shudder***

His as-of-now still untitled book will cover his loooooong career destroying society, from chief of staff under President Gerald Ford to vice president under George W. Bush to his present-day job as the nation's foremost Prophet of Doom. In between his four heart attacks and numerous surgeries, Cheney still managed to dedicate his life to serving his country--be it torturing enemies, bombing oil-rich countries worth huge rebuilding contracts, watching the Twin Towers burn, New Orleans drown, or just shooting friends. A real American hero, that Dick!

Plus, he wants to set the record straight that he is not in fact Darth Vader or worse, some lab project in Victor Frankenstein's basement.

"I'm persuaded there are a lot of interesting stories that ought to be told," Cheney said. "I want my grandkids, 20 or 30 years from now, to be able to read it and understand what I did, and why I did it."

That way they'll be able to smile proudly and say with confidence, "That's my granddaddy who ruined America!"

How McCain's VP Choice Went From Cranky Jew To Crazy Shrew

Remember when John McCain went nuts-o and decided to select that Alaskan floozy Sarah Palin as his running mate even though her only qualifications were having female reproductive organs, a pretty face, and some of the god damn funniest lipstick jokes the world has ever heard.

If it seemed suspicious, that's because McCain never wanted to pick that hussy in the first place. He really wanted droopy fellow senior citizen Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-Conn.), but certain state's so-called "sore loser" laws (like crazy West Virginia), would have prevented a Republican ticket that included a sniveling, no-good, backstabbing, party-switching rat like Joe "Democrat" Lieberman on its ballot. So, it was sayonara to ol' Joe.

From there, the vetting process intensified with the remaining top candidates asked "stumper" questions like whether they were ready to use nuclear weapons and whether they would take a shot at Osama bin Laden even if it meant the death of civilians.

While other candidates like former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney and Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty failed to dazzle McCain or his vetting team with their thoughtful, coherent, even-handed (boring!) answers, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin “hit them out of the park.”

Although no one would reveal exactly what pearls of wisdom Miss Palin imparted, we can only assume Sarah Barricuda didn't blink when explaining why her aerial hunting skills may just be the solution needed to take that old raghead out once and for all--if the nukes failed to do it first, that is!

Sure, the McCain team had their doubts about Sarah's ability to serve as president, with chief VP vetter A.B. Culvahouse conceding that, “I don’t think she would have been ready on Jan. 20, but few people would.” So what sealed the deal for the feisty Alaskan ice queen?

According to Culvahouse, at the end of the interview, he informed McCain that Palin would be a "high risk, high reward" pick for the job. McCain’s response?

"You shouldn’t have told me that. I’ve been a risk-taker all my life."

Damn straight! How else would he have been able to leave his now-crippled first wife while she recovered from a freak automobile accident for a younger, hotter, blonder beer heiress with bigger breasts and a hell of a lot more money!?

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal Declines McCain's Offer To Ruin His Political Life

Louisiana Governor and rising Republican star Bobby Jindal was never officially vetted by the McCain campaign as a serious vice-presidential candidate because, we were told, "of his desire to continue on with his current job, to which he was elected just one year ago."

We didn't buy it then either.

Nobody wants to stay in Louisiana that badly.

So it comes as no surprise that a week after John McCain handily lost the election to Barack Obama, the real reasons Jindal declined the old man's VP vetting offer began trickling out (unlike say, economic wealth).

Turns out Mr. Bobby Jindal and his political team were freaked out that Jindal "might actually wind up the pick," and be caught up "a less-than-stellar campaign that could pin a loss on Jindal without much ability to change or control the direction of the contest."

I guess you could say they had a feeling, a hunch if you will, that McCain wasn't exactly riding the straight-talk express to victory.

And J-Dal wasn't about to go down with this sinking ship.

The logic of course being that if Jindal decided to run in 2012, he would be free of any taint of George W. Bush or John McCain.

And America could see him for who he really is: A 36-year old Indian-American with a baby face who is "100 percent anti-abortion with no exceptions," opposes stem cell research, gay marriage, and like many of his GOP cohorts, most progress in general.

Hey, come to think of it, he kind of reminds me of another young, good looking conservative on the Republican fast-track to success.

Before she became McCain's running mate and launched her new career as a stand-up comedian, that is.

Word is her new one-woman comedy routine "Going Rogue: Sarah Palin's Task From God" is a smashing success.

Thanks, Johnny!

At Least She Is A Winner At Something!

It may not have been her first choice, but at least VP candidate and rising comic star Sarah Palin can claim victory in one arena. Yes, America's favorite "Caribou Barbie" sure knows how to boost ratings!

Palin's much-hyped appearance on last night's Saturday Night Live was a smashing success, earning the show its highest ratings in 14 years.

A record-setting 14 million viewers tuned in to watch what would happen when the real Sarah Palin came face-to-face with her famous SNL impersonator Tina Fey. Oooooh, cat fight!

In fact, the last time SNL enjoyed such huge numbers was in 1994 when Nancy Kerrigan hosted after having her knees bashed in by rival skater Tonya Harding's dutiful "associates."

Fortunately, last night's ladies were on their best behavior, and everyone left with their legs still in tact. But just in case the estrogen really started flowing, Sarah and Tina maintained a safe distance from each other--not making even a single appearance together. Lame.

But, at least America got to see Palin in her element, finally looking relaxed and comfortable under the harsh glare of the spotlight.

Sure, Palin may not have come across quite so fabulous during her live debates or one-on-one interviews. But those involved silly things like answering questions, formulating sentences, and understanding actual policies.

When it comes to important matters, like rapping about hot Alaskan governors who love to hunt, you better believe Sarah "shake-her-groove-thing" Palin can bust a move with the best of 'em.

McCain Picks Young Hottie As Running Mate In Effort To Stave Off Extinction

You gotta hand it to the old man. With his presidential campaign basically on life support, McCain jolted his tired candidacy back from the near-dead with his choice of 44-year-old hottie and Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin as running mate. At the spry, young age of 44, Palin offers the perfect youthful contrast to McCain's 71 long years of skin-wrinkling experience.

But before we get too excited over McCain's very own Energizer Bunny, let's look at some other possible VP candidates for the GOP, based upon the same qualifications used to select Gov. Palin: must love guns almost as much as making babies, must have two or less years of political experience, and must be currently under investigation for federal ethics violations.

Also on McCain's VP shortlist:

• Gun-totin' Hills TV Star Heidi Montag

• Baby-Makin' Conservative Brittney Spears

• Disgraced Former GOP Mayor Of Cicero Betty Loren-Maltese