The Devil Wears Prada? You Betcha!

Unlike those elitist liberals who bathe in the sweat and tears of decent, hard-working folk like you and me, America's favorite Alaskan snow bunny sure knows how the "real America" lives.

Sarah Palin, the poster babe for "small-town values," understands the struggles millions of hard-working Americans face everyday, trying to make ends meet in these trying financial times.

It is for these very Americans that Palin patriotically used $150,000 in GOP donor funds on clothes and accessories since her September unveiling.

Palin simply loves America too much to let its fine citizens be exposed to some fashion-challenged eyesore from Wasilla, Alaska's premier Meth capital.

It is clearly her deep love and respect for all the "Joe Six-Packs" and "Joe The Plumbers" out there that compelled Palin to shed her shabby Wasilla duds for some classier, VP-worthy attire, like her reasonably priced $2,500 Valentino jacket and $400 not-made-in-USA glasses.

We know Palin had only the interests of the "real America" at heart when she ventured into that godless wasteland she calls "fake America" to drop $49,425.74 at Saks Fifth Avenue and another $75,062.63 at Neiman Marcus (um, bargain!) so she could go clean-up Washington and make it work for the people again.

Like the true maverick she is.

What we don't know is what the hell this shlub is spending his campaign's money on, since he obviously doesn't care about either this country or his appearance. Wait, did he re-sole his shoes with chewing gum??

Ugh, typical elitist.

John McCain's Long, Slow Goodbye

Is This Damn Election Over Yet?

Poor John McCain. The man has had a rough couple of weeks.

First, the economy went to hell, freaking everyone out, including McCain who nobly "suspended his campaign" to address the dire financial mess and tell America not to panic. Which of course caused everyone to do just that.

Next, it was the liberal media with their damn polls showing Barack Obama commanding impressive double-digit leads over poor Gramps McCain.

Then came word that McCain was pulling out of Michigan, with his campaign officially deeming the economically-ravaged state a "lost cause."

The wheels basically come off after Johnny's embarrassing walk-of-shame out of Michigan.

Rumors were soon swirling that McCain's campaign was also collapsing in other key swing states. Colorado, Florida, New Hampshire, Nevada, North Carolina, suddenly leaning in favor of Barack Obama!

No, things are not looking good at all for John S. McCain.

With elections less than two weeks away, it appears increasingly evident that when it comes to John McCain's dreams of the White House, three times is not a charm.

But, don't despair old Johnny, my friend. Some good did come out of the otherwise abysmal failure that was your 2008 presidential campaign.

Can you say, Palin 2012??

At Least She Is A Winner At Something!

It may not have been her first choice, but at least VP candidate and rising comic star Sarah Palin can claim victory in one arena. Yes, America's favorite "Caribou Barbie" sure knows how to boost ratings!

Palin's much-hyped appearance on last night's Saturday Night Live was a smashing success, earning the show its highest ratings in 14 years.

A record-setting 14 million viewers tuned in to watch what would happen when the real Sarah Palin came face-to-face with her famous SNL impersonator Tina Fey. Oooooh, cat fight!

In fact, the last time SNL enjoyed such huge numbers was in 1994 when Nancy Kerrigan hosted after having her knees bashed in by rival skater Tonya Harding's dutiful "associates."

Fortunately, last night's ladies were on their best behavior, and everyone left with their legs still in tact. But just in case the estrogen really started flowing, Sarah and Tina maintained a safe distance from each other--not making even a single appearance together. Lame.

But, at least America got to see Palin in her element, finally looking relaxed and comfortable under the harsh glare of the spotlight.

Sure, Palin may not have come across quite so fabulous during her live debates or one-on-one interviews. But those involved silly things like answering questions, formulating sentences, and understanding actual policies.

When it comes to important matters, like rapping about hot Alaskan governors who love to hunt, you better believe Sarah "shake-her-groove-thing" Palin can bust a move with the best of 'em.

The Softer Side Of Sarah

Aw, that's sweet. Taking a cue from Sears' successful ad campaign, Sarah Palin has decided to show the world that she too has a softer side.

Yes, the woman who less than two weeks ago was firing up crowds by accusing Barack Obama of "palling around with terrorists" has taken a decidedly different tone while campaigning this week.

Could it be that America's favorite lipstick-wearing pitbull has finally been neutered?

Let's examine the evidence.

Just last week, Palin came under scrutiny for stoking the flames of hatred and racism during several of her KKK-inspired GOP rallies throughout the country.

Many of these fiery speeches featured Palin posing the question, "Who is the real Barack Obama?" to which the patriotic crowd logically responded by chanting, "Obama Osama!" "kill him," "terrorist," and the always lovely "off with his head."

But then a funny thing happened. Palin suddenly decided the terrorist-loving, America-hating, secret Muslim may not be so bad after all.

In fact, Palin's sudden realization that Obama might be running for president because he actually cares about America, even prompted her to tell reporters, "I don't question at all Barack Obama's love for this great country."

But what about his terrorist buddy, Bill Ayers, and his crazy kook pastor Rev. Jeremiah Wright?

She'll leave that up to the American people to decide. Using the same judgment and knowledge they used to decide that the idea of her and Gramps in office is enough to scare the living bejesus out of them.

Finally, Something We Can All Agree On

I've gotta hand it to that Palin chick. She manages to bring together people at a time when unity is scarce and fierce partisan divides dominate nearly every issue.

Yes, America has finally found something that Conservatives, Liberals, Independents, Democrats, Republicans, (and even Libertarians!) can all agree on:

Sarah Palin is a very attractive, fascinating woman who just happens to make President Bush look like a god damn genius.

Security Expert Sarah Palin's Email Easier To Penetrate Than Daughter Bristol

Tough gal Sarah Palin may be able to "field dress" a moose (whatever the hell that means) but when it comes to simple email security, America's favorite frontierswoman appears to be in over her head.

Last week, a computer hacker was able to break into Sarah Palin’s seemingly impenetrable Yahoo! e-mail account and expose documents showing Palin using non-government e-mail to conduct state business. The irony of course is that Palin and her brilliant advisors only thought to use Yahoo, instead of a government email provider, as a way to avoid possible disclosure under Alaska's Open Records Act. Oops.

So what ingenious computer skills did the alleged hacker use to "impersonate" Palin and gain access to her secure, personal email account?

He correctly answered Palin's "secret question" asking where the Alaskan governor met her husband, Todd. Now normally, this type of airtight security system would leave even the most sophisiticated computer expert stumped.

But luckily this hacker had a little help. During her speech at the Republican National Convention, Palin proudly discussed how she and her hubby Todd began dating two decades ago in high school in Wasilla.

"I found out later though more research that they met at high school, so I did variations of that, high, high school, eventually hit on 'Wasilla high'," the suspect explained.

Perhaps someone should tell Miss Palin her idea to change the password for the nation's nuclear codes to "lipstick" may not be as foolproof as she thought.

He's Baaaaack!!

After months of leading rival John McCain in almost every national poll, Barack Obama seemed to be cruising into the White House, his victory all but assured. But then the unthinkable happened.

John McCain came back from the dead.

Unlike Jesus before him, McCain's resurrection did not come from God or within (well, actually the God part is debatable, depending on who you ask). No, his Savior came in the form of a seductive Alaskan hunter moonlighting as legitimate politician.

Armed with his new "Trophy Vice," McCain enjoyed a huge surge in popularity, with post-convention polls showing him tied or, in some cases, even ahead of Obama for the first time since the campaign began. Finally, the Republicans had a celebrity to call their own! In one fell swoop (and several lipstick-on-animal references), the re-energized McCain campaign went from laughing joke to serious threat.

But like all good things must, this too, had to end. Less than three weeks after the McCain-Palin lovefest first started, Obama once again reclaimed his Mojo and his rightful place atop the polls.

Apparently, it took the public approximately 21 days to realize that no amount of confetti and balloons could change the fact that McCain is still a creepy old guy, Sarah Palin is still the Antichrist, and Barack Obama is still infinitely cooler, smarter and better than we'll ever be.

In First Interview, Palin Proves She Can Look Good, Pronounce Big Words, And Perhaps Kill You

Sarah "Barracuda" Palin has finally emerged from her self-imposed sequester to make her unscripted network television debut with ABC's Charles Gibson, lucky winner of the "Who Gets To Pop Palin's Prime-Time Press Cherry Sweepstakes?"

So how did our favorite li'l gun-toting Alaskan fare in her first real media interview?

Well that depends. She looked pretty hot in her classic brown suit and stylishly sexy glasses. But not too hot to make you uncomfortable with the idea of her in power. So in the overall looks department, she was solid, lets say like an 8/10.

In terms of actual substance, she didn't score quite so well. On the one hand, Palin wasn't a total bomb. There were no sudden outbursts or momentary fits of hysteria. She didn't even say anything that psycho, aside from the whole "possible war with Russia" comment. Such a sparkplug, that Sarah!

I guess the problem was more with what this surprisingly attractive vice-presidential candidate didn't say, or know...or both.

Even the feisty way Palin kept inserting his name back into her carefully-crafted responses, "Yes, Charlie, I do think I am ready." "No, Charlie, I did not hesitate to accept," couldn't hide the fact that we're thisclose to having the second-most powerful person in the world be a charming nutjob from Wasilla, Alaska who will rip the beating heart out of your chest with her bare hands and devour it; all while looking exactly like the sexy librarian from every porn movie you've ever seen.

Sarah Palin: The Lipstick Wearing Pit Bull Unleashed!

While the media wets itself gushing over Sarah Palin's science bashing, life-loving, anti-elitist speech to the RNC last night, the public finally got to see and hear exactly what it is the Republican's VP candidate stands for.

Let's see if we got this right...

Palin loves America, hockey moms, pit bulls, lipstick, unborn fetuses, special needs children, war, guns, hunting, and Alaska.

On the other hand, she hates community activists, Arugula, the "angry left," a woman's right to choose, Washington elites, gays, and anyone who does not have a loaded 54 Magnum under their pillow.