Sarah Palin Continues Her Dingbat Drifter Tour Across The Mainland

Fresh off helping Gramps McCain lose his second election in as many years, sweet Sarah Palin arrived in Bush's old stomping ground, Midland, Texas, to speak to the good ol' boys and gals on behalf of the Liberty and Freedom Foundation about the terrible reversal of fortune that has come to pass ever since that chocolate-hued Kenyan menace stole the election from decent, hardworking, real, white Americans like y'all gathered here today.

"There's such an appreciation here for your freedom," Palin told the crowd of about 1,300 fellow freedom fighters who signaled their roaring approval by alternately shouting "Amen" and ringing cowbells.

Sadly, Sarah didn't get to spend as much time talking about her favoritest subject, energy production, (drill baby drill!) as she'd like, focusing instead on getting people all fired up about the terrible tree-hugging, hippie dippie direction of the country under President Barack Obama.

Too bad the God awful 'lamestream' media had to once again go and skew her nice 'n wholesome interactive map hit list targeting vulnerable congressional Democrats by putting gun crosshairs over them, along with the not-at-all suspicious words "reload," "aim" and "fire," as inciting violence. Ugh, typical elitist Jew run media!

"Take up your arms' means voting," Palin clarified.

Oh, silly us! We forgot that in wingnut 2nd amendment land, or real America, the phrase 'taking up arms' doesn't mean grabbing your Smith & Wesson and/or Colt 45 and peppering holes in the nearest Democratic lawmaker's office, but peacefully heading to the ballot box to exercise your constitutional right to pull levers, punch chads, or put a check mark next to whichever Grand Old Party candidate is more birther, oather, and loves freedom, but hates Barry the most.

"I love her," said Shelly Rollins of Midland, who was hoping to get an autographed copy of Palin’s 432-page assault on the written word, Going Rogue. "She reminds me of me."

She's dumb, selfish, self-centered, disingenuous, petty, small-minded, hypocritical, loves Jesus Christ, and is in it for herself, too!

Palin, who said that she was glad to see all of the young kids in the audience, was very critical of the horrible debt liberals had somehow magically managed to create in record-shattering time of one whole year.

"That's selfish and it's generational theft," Palin said.

And who knows more about either than our li'l Alaskan ice queen herself? Besides, our hard-earned money should only be used for important things, like startin' wars, findin' oil, and who knows, maybe even buyin' a fancy new wardrobe so unknown Alaskan mavericks still look good even when soundin' bad.

Good thing Crosby Cobb, a 10-year-old who dressed as Sarah Barracuda for Halloween, got to miss school for the special occasion of hearing her highness speak, 'stead of wastin' time readin', writin' 'n 'rithmeticin'!

"She's just someone who stands up for women's rights and shows that just because you're a woman doesn't mean you can't do something," Cobb said.

'Cept have control over your own reproductive rights. But, eh, that's no big deal. I mean just look at Bristol, she's doing fine 'n dandy without it, thank you very much!

Far, far more important is having control over the arugula-eating members of the mainstream media (MSM), who as with any Sarah Palin event, were given a strict set of rules and guidelines to follow if they hoped to get their grubby paws anywhere near Miss Thang during her whistle stop tour across bumblef**k USA, helping ensure the Grand Old Party of rednecks, racists, and wingnuts remains that way for a long, long time--a minority.

When asked about the strict media restrictions, from no television cameras or recordings, other than still photographs--during the first and last five minutes of her speech ONLY--to prohibiting audience members from asking questions, Liberty and Freedom Foundation executive director Victor Cocchia said that Palin didn't want the event to be about her, but rather about the people of the area.

Oh, Sarah, always thinking of others! If I didn't know better, I'd think she was Mother Theresa herself!

Cocchia also said that some of the restrictions, such as not allowing interviews with people attending the event or asking their names, were not due to Palin or the foundation ('course not!), and may have been because volunteers misinterpreted what they were supposed to do.

Like check their brains at the door?

"Maybe next time we'll do things just a hair different," Cocchia said.

Oh goody gumdrops! Sarah's new A-list Hollywood stylist has all sorts of fabulous new 'dos he's just DYING to try on our adorable Alaskan bunny.

But thanks to evil NObamaCare, he probably won't even get a chance to do that now. Die, that is.

Just One Question, What The Hell's A Moran?

Fear And Loathing In The Press Corps

Aside from social pariah George W. Bush, there are few things less popular in this country than the mainstream media.

The key difference of course being that unlike, Dubya, the media actually realizes it deserves to be tarred, feathered, and tied to a whipping post.

So, what unforgivable sin did the evil, elitist liberal media commit to spark such outrage within its own ranks?

They favored secret Muslim terrorist Barack Obama over American war hero and wizened elder John S. McCain. Gasp!

The love affair with BHO was so bad that Time magazine's Mark Halperin called "the media's extreme pro-Obama bias, the most disgusting failure of people in our business since the Iraq war."

You are so right.

The media acting like rational human beings and favoring the cool, collected candidate with the virtually flawless campaign over the erratic old man with a trainwreck of a campaign and an insane running mate is an unforgivable crime.

Far, far worse worse than the media demanding zero accountability from its torture-crazed, wiretapping-happy government, blindly rushing to support wars based on false intelligence, failing to properly investigate the administration's bungling of national tragedies like Hurricane Katrina, and ignoring real issues in order to chatter endlessly about terrorist fist jabs, lipstick-wearing pit bulls, and the plight of real Americans like Joe The Plumber and Dora The Explorer.

When is the wretched media gonna finally learn it is NEVER okay to obsess over a smart, charming, chocolate-skinned man with chiseled abs and a clear vision for the country.

But, worshiping a psycho Alaskan woman with an IQ barely in the double digits?

Now that's patriotic duty!

Sexy Right-Wing Nutjob Celebrities Only Please!

Obama's Just Chillin' His Way Into History

Barack Obama's feelin' pretty pretty good right about now. Ailing grandmother aside, things are looking bright for everyone's favorite Socialist.

With early voting underway (and setting records) in many states, and Election Day rapidly approaching, Barack Obama appears to be cruising towards the White House--and the history books.

Not content just being the first black major party nominee, the so-called "candidate of change" also finds himself positioned to win the largest share of white voters of any Democrat in more than three decades.

Please, like the white vote matters in this country.

So, perhaps Mr. Obama should not get too comfortable in his elitist designer flip-flops from Target.

Sure, he has a sizeable lead and all the momentum now. But, you never know what can happen between today and November 4.

After all, change is possible, right?

The Devil Wears Prada? You Betcha!

Unlike those elitist liberals who bathe in the sweat and tears of decent, hard-working folk like you and me, America's favorite Alaskan snow bunny sure knows how the "real America" lives.

Sarah Palin, the poster babe for "small-town values," understands the struggles millions of hard-working Americans face everyday, trying to make ends meet in these trying financial times.

It is for these very Americans that Palin patriotically used $150,000 in GOP donor funds on clothes and accessories since her September unveiling.

Palin simply loves America too much to let its fine citizens be exposed to some fashion-challenged eyesore from Wasilla, Alaska's premier Meth capital.

It is clearly her deep love and respect for all the "Joe Six-Packs" and "Joe The Plumbers" out there that compelled Palin to shed her shabby Wasilla duds for some classier, VP-worthy attire, like her reasonably priced $2,500 Valentino jacket and $400 not-made-in-USA glasses.

We know Palin had only the interests of the "real America" at heart when she ventured into that godless wasteland she calls "fake America" to drop $49,425.74 at Saks Fifth Avenue and another $75,062.63 at Neiman Marcus (um, bargain!) so she could go clean-up Washington and make it work for the people again.

Like the true maverick she is.

What we don't know is what the hell this shlub is spending his campaign's money on, since he obviously doesn't care about either this country or his appearance. Wait, did he re-sole his shoes with chewing gum??

Ugh, typical elitist.