Cheney To Obama: You Don't Know Dick About National Security

Cheerful cuddlebug Dick Cheney is always down to help clear things up and set the record straight especially when it comes to matters of national security. It's his bread and butter!

It's not easy being the lone voice of reason and truth, but hey, someone's got to do it.

Which is why we've come to depend on ol' Dick to help guide us through these most frightening times when America is being run by a real pussy, pardon his French, and anything can happen!

And that anything does include the Justice Department naming a prosecutor to look (he doesn't care if its just a glimpse) into the "enhanced interrogation techniques" so beloved by the Cheney Bush administration, including it's biggest cheerleader, Dick!

This latest outrageous move by the Obama administration to investigate possible violations by the CIA only proves what Dick's known all along: the administration cannot be entrusted with our nation's security.

Everyone knows the brave men and women who waterboarded suspects and forced them into naked pyramids saved America from certain doom! They should be treated as freedom-loving heroes who helped protect this nation during its darkest hours, not as rogue, power-abusing agents gone wild!

"The people involved deserve our gratitude," Cheney said. "They do not deserve to be the targets of political investigations or prosecutions."

How dare we question the "harsh interrogation techniques" used by our bravest secret agents considering these wholesome tactics that are in no way torture "provided the bulk of intelligence we gained about Al Qaeda" after the Sept. 11 attacks.

"The activities of the CIA in carrying out the policies of the Bush administration were directly responsible for defeating all efforts by Al Qaeda to launch further mass casualty attacks against the United States..."

See? Told you Dick knows what he's doing! Now just imagine where we'd be if Bush and Co., had gotten an even earlier start defending the freest, most awesomest country in the world?

But the important thing is that Cheney's precious, perfectly legal tactics of giving luxurious Evian baths to blindfolded, upside-down suspects (ha ha losers!) and forcing them into hilarious sexual positions involving inserting their holiest book the Koran into various holes, saved us from like a million more 9/11's. At least!

So....Go Cheney?

Security Expert Sarah Palin's Email Easier To Penetrate Than Daughter Bristol

Tough gal Sarah Palin may be able to "field dress" a moose (whatever the hell that means) but when it comes to simple email security, America's favorite frontierswoman appears to be in over her head.

Last week, a computer hacker was able to break into Sarah Palin’s seemingly impenetrable Yahoo! e-mail account and expose documents showing Palin using non-government e-mail to conduct state business. The irony of course is that Palin and her brilliant advisors only thought to use Yahoo, instead of a government email provider, as a way to avoid possible disclosure under Alaska's Open Records Act. Oops.

So what ingenious computer skills did the alleged hacker use to "impersonate" Palin and gain access to her secure, personal email account?

He correctly answered Palin's "secret question" asking where the Alaskan governor met her husband, Todd. Now normally, this type of airtight security system would leave even the most sophisiticated computer expert stumped.

But luckily this hacker had a little help. During her speech at the Republican National Convention, Palin proudly discussed how she and her hubby Todd began dating two decades ago in high school in Wasilla.

"I found out later though more research that they met at high school, so I did variations of that, high, high school, eventually hit on 'Wasilla high'," the suspect explained.

Perhaps someone should tell Miss Palin her idea to change the password for the nation's nuclear codes to "lipstick" may not be as foolproof as she thought.