Cheney To Obama: You Don't Know Dick About National Security

Cheerful cuddlebug Dick Cheney is always down to help clear things up and set the record straight especially when it comes to matters of national security. It's his bread and butter!

It's not easy being the lone voice of reason and truth, but hey, someone's got to do it.

Which is why we've come to depend on ol' Dick to help guide us through these most frightening times when America is being run by a real pussy, pardon his French, and anything can happen!

And that anything does include the Justice Department naming a prosecutor to look (he doesn't care if its just a glimpse) into the "enhanced interrogation techniques" so beloved by the Cheney Bush administration, including it's biggest cheerleader, Dick!

This latest outrageous move by the Obama administration to investigate possible violations by the CIA only proves what Dick's known all along: the administration cannot be entrusted with our nation's security.

Everyone knows the brave men and women who waterboarded suspects and forced them into naked pyramids saved America from certain doom! They should be treated as freedom-loving heroes who helped protect this nation during its darkest hours, not as rogue, power-abusing agents gone wild!

"The people involved deserve our gratitude," Cheney said. "They do not deserve to be the targets of political investigations or prosecutions."

How dare we question the "harsh interrogation techniques" used by our bravest secret agents considering these wholesome tactics that are in no way torture "provided the bulk of intelligence we gained about Al Qaeda" after the Sept. 11 attacks.

"The activities of the CIA in carrying out the policies of the Bush administration were directly responsible for defeating all efforts by Al Qaeda to launch further mass casualty attacks against the United States..."

See? Told you Dick knows what he's doing! Now just imagine where we'd be if Bush and Co., had gotten an even earlier start defending the freest, most awesomest country in the world?

But the important thing is that Cheney's precious, perfectly legal tactics of giving luxurious Evian baths to blindfolded, upside-down suspects (ha ha losers!) and forcing them into hilarious sexual positions involving inserting their holiest book the Koran into various holes, saved us from like a million more 9/11's. At least!

So....Go Cheney?