Why Are America's Event Planners All Out To Get Sarah Palin?

Where in the world is Sarah Barracuda Palin? Alaska's sultry superstar has once again mysteriously disappeared right before she was scheduled to speak at one of her very important fundraisers, this one so slutty teenagers who get knocked up have no choice but to have the baby unless they want to get the ol' parental approval for an abortion.

Now normally Sarah's habit of shirking her duties is limited to elected terms in office, but ever since becoming an unemployed publicity whore and Facebook junkie, Palin's erratic behavior has instead metamorphosed into canceling paid speaking engagements at the very last minute while pretending she was never invited in the first place.

But since this is the "fourth time in recent months that an anticipated Palin speech has fallen through after Palin and her camp disputed they had ever confirmed it," loyal Palin spokesperson Meg Stapleton is used to concocting perfectly good explanations for these embarrassing incidents known as the Sarah Palin experience.

This time it's an event by the Alaska Family Council promoting an Alaska ballot measure aimed at making it illegal for teens to get an abortion without telling their parents. Organizers of the event have been advertising that Palin would give a speech and become the first official signer of the ballot petition tonight at ChangePoint, the Anchorage megachurch.

Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton said Wednesday, that "this is the first we have ever heard of a speech." She said Palin is out of state and won't be there, but naturally declined to provide details on where Palin is and what she is doing.

Alaska Family Council President Jim Minnery said it was news to him that Stapleton was saying Palin had no knowledge of the speech, since organizers have been talking to Palin "contacts" for weeks about it.

"All we can do is take people at their word that we've worked with in the past," Minnery said. "We've been working for several weeks on the event, promoting it very heavily. It would be a grave disappointment if she doesn't show up but the show will still go on."

Well, I'll be damned! This is indeed odd--even by crazy Palin's standards. Either literally hundreds of event organizers across the USA have joined forces in a massive conspiracy to fool the unsuspecting public into believing the Ice Queen herself would be gracing their shindigs with her glorious presence, even though it was just a figment of their imaginations. Or she was so busy protecting Trig from Obama's death panels, defending golden-haired messenger of truth Glenn Beck from the liberal media's unfounded, vicious character assassination, and posting on her favoritest Facebook, that everything else completely slipped her mind!

I mean what other explanation could there possibly be? She's on plug-patrol for Grandma?