Why Are America's Event Planners All Out To Get Sarah Palin?

Where in the world is Sarah Barracuda Palin? Alaska's sultry superstar has once again mysteriously disappeared right before she was scheduled to speak at one of her very important fundraisers, this one so slutty teenagers who get knocked up have no choice but to have the baby unless they want to get the ol' parental approval for an abortion.

Now normally Sarah's habit of shirking her duties is limited to elected terms in office, but ever since becoming an unemployed publicity whore and Facebook junkie, Palin's erratic behavior has instead metamorphosed into canceling paid speaking engagements at the very last minute while pretending she was never invited in the first place.

But since this is the "fourth time in recent months that an anticipated Palin speech has fallen through after Palin and her camp disputed they had ever confirmed it," loyal Palin spokesperson Meg Stapleton is used to concocting perfectly good explanations for these embarrassing incidents known as the Sarah Palin experience.

This time it's an event by the Alaska Family Council promoting an Alaska ballot measure aimed at making it illegal for teens to get an abortion without telling their parents. Organizers of the event have been advertising that Palin would give a speech and become the first official signer of the ballot petition tonight at ChangePoint, the Anchorage megachurch.

Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton said Wednesday, that "this is the first we have ever heard of a speech." She said Palin is out of state and won't be there, but naturally declined to provide details on where Palin is and what she is doing.

Alaska Family Council President Jim Minnery said it was news to him that Stapleton was saying Palin had no knowledge of the speech, since organizers have been talking to Palin "contacts" for weeks about it.

"All we can do is take people at their word that we've worked with in the past," Minnery said. "We've been working for several weeks on the event, promoting it very heavily. It would be a grave disappointment if she doesn't show up but the show will still go on."

Well, I'll be damned! This is indeed odd--even by crazy Palin's standards. Either literally hundreds of event organizers across the USA have joined forces in a massive conspiracy to fool the unsuspecting public into believing the Ice Queen herself would be gracing their shindigs with her glorious presence, even though it was just a figment of their imaginations. Or she was so busy protecting Trig from Obama's death panels, defending golden-haired messenger of truth Glenn Beck from the liberal media's unfounded, vicious character assassination, and posting on her favoritest Facebook, that everything else completely slipped her mind!

I mean what other explanation could there possibly be? She's on plug-patrol for Grandma?

Sarah Palin's Not-At-All-Sketchy Decision To Abandon Alaska

The Fourth of July is supposed to be all about patriotic celebration, with plenty of food, family, fun and fireworks. But nooooooo. Alaskan floozy Sarah Palin had to go and ruin it for everyone by announcing she is quitting her illustrious non-job as governor of our beloved 49th state. She must really hate America to drop a bomb like this on our Independence Day, of all times! For shame, Sarah! Have you no decency?

But what's behind our fair ice queen's rash decision to quit being governor of the frozen tundra and Russian buffer of Alaska THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS before the next presidential election? Certainly her decision was based on more than just sheer lunacy, right?

Hmmm, let's take a look:

• Is Mama Bear Palin's getting ready to welcome another little cub into the mix? One that she can give a bizarre name to, parade around town, and then spend the rest of her days trying to tear the heart out of anyone who dares utter a word about her sweet little miracle of God? Let's just hope this one doesn't end up like Bristol...

• Sarah Palin's brother knows the real reason why lovely sister Sarah called it quits. She was sick and tired of spending "80 percent of her time defending herself" from the evil Media. Which must mean she didn't feel like shrieking at late-night comedians and mean-spirited photoshopping bloggers for wanting daughter Willow raped and special-needs baby Trig murdered, respectively. Screaming for weeks at a time can be so exhausting!

• Perhaps some sort of BIG, about-to-break scandal has sent Sarah suddenly packing? Something nice and juicy involving Sarah and her snow-mobiling, secessionist husband Todd steering lucrative state contracts to a well-connected company, Spenard Building Supplies, in exchange for innocent thank you's like their kick-ass home on pristine Lake Lucille in 2002? Not our sweet Sarah. That Alaskan maverick is gonna clean up ol' Washington once and for all! You betcha' she is!

• Nasty Neocon God Charles Krauthammer told Fox News that Palin is not a serious candidate for Republicans because she's dumber than rocks and any real GOP contender has to actually understand the issues and stop speaking in cliches and platitudes because it just plain looks bad. No foolin' neither!

• Could it be that Sarah's out of the game? Gasp! According to this nasty rumor, Sarah Palin is not running for anything, ever, and that she’s “out of politics for good." Uh-oh. Did Papa Krauthammer push delicate Sarah's last buttons? Or maybe she finally got the hint?? Eh, probably not.

I say the best guess from Palin's "rambling and sometimes confusing" resignation speech is pretty much no one knows what the hell she's doing, least of all the woman herself. She'll finish her book, go promote it in the "lower 48" aka fake America hell, spend time with her (growing?) family, give paid speeches, fundraise for the GOP, talk with folks, and who knows, maybe even consider a national run. Or just a regular one around the old Wasilla jogging trail. Hell, maybe she'll just go back to school. Didn't really stick the first time around.

Sarah Palin And Forrest Gump Have More In Common Than Their IQ

When she's not starting fights with perverted talk show hosts and bloggers who hate special-needs children, Sarah Barracuda Palin likes to throw on a pair of Asics (no hoity toity Nike's for her!), breathe in the beautiful sub-zero Alaskan air and hit the trails runnin'!

Ice queen Sarah Palin knows here's nothing quite like the feeling of your thighs throbbing and lungs burning as you witness the beauty of our 49th state, the great Russian watchdog of Alaska.

"It's absolutely heaven. I see God's hand all over this place. As I get out there and run, I see the most beautiful signs of this evolutionary process that has created the mountains and the glacial retreats that have left the valleys and the rivers."

Evolutionary process?? Please don't tell us you turned all elitist and started believing in science now that you're a big shot politician and all. C'mon, Sarah, you of all people should know that glaciers are God's swimming pools and valley's are nothing more than the lord's footprints. Don't tell anyone, but I think I saw a swoosh imprint. Damn arugula-eating, Nike-wearing deity's!

But the one thing Sarah does not like other than a "moose's butt plopping on over into the trail" or falling in front of Secret Service ("so stinkin' embarrassing!") is not being able to run, like on the campaign trail with old man McCain.

"I feel so crappy if I go more than a few days without running. I have to run. No matter how rotten I feel before or during a run, it's always worth it to me afterwards. Sweat is my sanity. A great frustration I had during the campaign was when the McCain staff wouldn't carve out time for me to go for a run. The days never went as well if I couldn't get out there and sweat."

Take away this sparkplug's ability to sweat and suddenly Africa is no longer an entire continent, but a single country, she can't remember the name of a single newspaper in America (Wasilla Times?), and "the bailout helps those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy because it's gotta be all about job creation."

But on the brightside, if the whole political thing doesn't work out, Sarah always has a bright future making fun exercise DVDs. You betcha!