Mitt Romney Is "Not Concerned About The Very Poor," Nor Apparently Winning Anything But The Hatred Of 99% Of America

Ah Mittens. Fresh off a most undeserved and uninspired victory over a gelatinous blob of ethical lapses and abandoned wives in the Florida Republican primary, Willard "Mitt" Romney proceeded to promptly squander all momentum and break the Golden Rule of presidential politics: pretend not to be the cold, heartless, asshole you really are.

Whoopsies!

You see, to billionaire everyman Mitt Romney, poor people are like unicorns. He's heard of them, but never actually seen one. (Or at least not in the wilds of Massachusetts' gated communities).

Which is probably why Mittens continued the ill-advised practice of opening up his awful rich person's mouth and letting words flow forth like sister-wives to the altar, terrifying Soledad O'Brien and the half-dozen or so other people actually watching CNN.

"I'm in this race because I care about Americans," Mitt said. "I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there. If it needs repair I'll fix it."

And if the handyman he held his nose while hiring can't get the job done (ugh, dumb poors!), he'll move on to his next favorite activity: firing people.

But since Mitt is clearly not concerned about the gross poors (the free market will take care of them), what exactly is he concerned about? (Just kidding! We know he really doesn't care about anybody).

"I'm not concerned about the very rich; they're doing just fine." (Just fine, indeed, wink wink!). "I'm concerned about the very heart of America, the 90-95 percent of Americans who right now are struggling...We will hear from the Democrat party on the plight of the poor and there's no question, it's not good being poor (he's never really thought about it, but he'll take their word for it!), and we have a safety net to help those that are very poor."

And what a fine safety net it is! Manufactured in China by NetCo, LLC, a subsidiary of Bain Capital, and strong enough to catch a full-grown man plunging to the bottom in a dizzying self-induced freefall from the high horse he's permanently perched upon.

So that's what they mean about wealth trickling down!

[image via AP]

Hey Ladies, Want A Job? Herman Cain's Got A Stimulus Package Designed Just For You!

Ah, remember the good old days when the conveniently vague, creepy sexual harassment accusations against everyone's favorite Black Walnut/Godfather of unwanted sexual advances Herman Cain were kept secret from the innocent, tender ears of the American people, so as to spare us the sordid details of all the gross sexytime things Herman Cain likes to say and do when harassing vulnerable, unsuspecting women looking for a job? (We know, we know, he just wanted to give her a position on his staff!).

Well thanks to Cain accuser #4, Sharon Bialek, it's blissful ignorance no more, my friends!

Sharon Bialek, accompanied by the celebrity lawyer Gloria Allred, became the first woman to publicly accuse the presidential candidate of sexual harassment, saying that she wants to “give a voice” to other women who might have been harassed by Mr. Cain during his tenure at the association.

Bialek detailed Cain's sexual overture, explaining that he spent money on a palatial hotel suite for her at the time of their meeting. When they saw each other in the evening, Bialek said he put his hand on her leg, "reached for [her] genitals" and pushed her head toward his crotch.

When Bialek objected, Cain asked her: "You want a job, right?"

After all, he is Herman Cain, America's premier job creator. Blow job creator, that is.

Bialek called on Cain to "come clean about what you did," saying: "Mr. Cain, I implore you, make this right."

Whatever do you mean, Sharon? Cain is already right when he continuously insists that those "harassment" charges are false, in that they are actually more like "assault."

Which is weird because Herman Cain always seemed so likeable, especially in non-rapey situations, like when preaching about electrocuting Mexicans, blaming poors for their own miserable, pathetic lives, and telling women what they can and cannot do with their tight li'l bods.

Almost as weird as not one, not two, not three, but four different women all having the very same ridiculous hogwash story about a man, no, make that a Herman, as perfectly innocent as every other serial sex harassing boss who helps a former employee get a job by groping her genitals. Herman Cain y'all!

From The New York Times:

In an interview after Ms. Bialek’s news conference, Joel P. Bennett, a lawyer for one of Mr. Cain’s anonymous accusers, said that Ms. Bialek’s claims were “very similar” in nature to the incident that occurred between his client and Mr. Cain.

“It corroborates the claim,” Mr. Bennett said of Ms. Bialek’s allegation. Asked whether that meant that Mr. Cain had physically touched his client inappropriately, Mr. Bennett said “I can’t get more specific” but added that “I can say it is corroborating.”

Ooooh, sounds sexy!

Oh, what, Uz no wanna Fucki-Fucki-Sucki-Sucki-Cain-Cain??

9-9-9!!!

Gee, some people just can't take no for an answer. Least of all Herman Cain.

Because much like being a real presidential candidate, he's simply not Abel!

[image via AP]

It's Halloween In (Corporate) America! Do You Have Your Homeless Person Costume Yet?

When you think of the perfect Halloween costume, usually the first thing that comes to mind is something that really captures the terrifying reality and unimaginable desperation of homeless people, with no food to eat, clothes to wear, or even a roof over their heads. Because, seriously, what makes you want to dive into a king size Snickers and satisfy that hunger more than the hilarious suffering of the most downtrodden and desperate among us?

Well, to the employees at the foreclosure mill law offices of Steven J. Baum, the answer is absolutely nothing, because people too pathetically poor and down on their luck to keep their homes are worthless, gross "others" who deserve nothing but scorn, mockery, and our deepest contempt.

Nevermind that these same employees, or at least the ones pictured above, look like your average legal assistants, secretaries, paralegals, administrative assistants, receptionists, file clerks and low-level litigators, and are all probably behind on their own mortgages and much closer to financial catastrophe than they'd care to admit (the firm is in freakin' Buffalo, after all). The point is that in order to keep these workers content to keep toiling away as wage slaves to this utterly evil law firm, and work tirelessly against the interests of the rest of the nation’s wage slaves, they must dehumanize their neighbors and fellow citizens fighting foreclosure as sub-human specimens unworthy of even the slightest tinge of mercy or compassion.

Which reminds me of another group of willing executioners innocent li'l lemmings who didn't mean to exterminate six million Jews as if they were the bubonic plague or anything, but were simply following orders!

From The New York Times:

On Friday, the law firm of Steven J. Baum threw a Halloween party. The party is the firm’s big annual bash. Employees wear Halloween costumes to the office, where they party until around noon, and then return to work, still in costume. I can’t tell you how people dressed for this year’s party, but I can tell you about last year’s.

That’s because a former employee of Steven J. Baum recently sent me snapshots of last year’s party. In an e-mail, she said that she wanted me to see them because they showed an appalling lack of compassion toward the homeowners — invariably poor and down on their luck — that the Baum firm had brought foreclosure proceedings against.

When we spoke later, she added that the snapshots are an accurate representation of the firm’s mind-set. “There is this really cavalier attitude,” she said. “It doesn’t matter that people are going to lose their homes.” Nor does the firm try to help people get mortgage modifications; the pressure, always, is to foreclose. I told her I wanted to post the photos on The Times’s Web site so that readers could see them. She agreed, but asked to remain anonymous because she said she fears retaliation.

Let me describe a few of the photos. In one, two Baum employees are dressed like homeless people. One is holding a bottle of liquor. The other has a sign around her neck that reads: “3rd party squatter. I lost my home and I was never served.” My source said that “I was never served” is meant to mock “the typical excuse” of the homeowner trying to evade a foreclosure proceeding.

A second picture shows a coffin with a picture of a woman whose eyes have been cut out. A sign on the coffin reads: “Rest in Peace. Crazy Susie.” The reference is to Susan Chana Lask, a lawyer who had filed a class-action suit against Steven J. Baum — and had posted a YouTube video denouncing the firm’s foreclosure practices. “She was a thorn in their side,” said my source.

Apparently, so is the New York Attorney General, who has already forced the criminal organization law firm to pay $2 million in fines to avoid further prosecution over its illegal (not to mention immoral) foreclosure practices. But much like any successful Mafioso, the low-level staffers who make the whole operation tick are taught to see their victims as worthless nobodies, feel nothing for those who suffer, and occasionally parade around as caricatures of the victims of their own unchecked greed.

This isn't a trick or treat, just American "corporate culture" in all its frightfully ghoulish transparency.

But it's not class warfare. Not at all. It's classy warfare. Sorry you poor pathetic schlubs don't understand the difference.

Now, if you don't mind, please lay your wretched, broken body down on the ground so I can walk across this puddle without ruining my new Jimmy Choos.  They cost me an arm and leg. And I don't mean that figuratively.

After all, the path to hell isn't paved with good intentions, it's paved with the sorrow, anguish, and liquor soaked foreclosure notices of the law firm of Steven J. Baum.

Mwahahaha!

[images via New York Times]

Racist College Republican Bake Sale Proves That When It Comes To The GOP, Racism Is Black & White (Cookies)

UC Berkeley College Republicans (yes, apparently, they do exist!) are all hot 'n bothered about a terrible (Socialist?) new affirmative action law by hippie-dippie California governor Jerry Brown that would allow state universities to consider race, gender, ethnicity and national origin in admission applications.

Oh the humanity!

Because everyone (aka 20-something white Republican males) knows affirmative action is terribly racist against the real victims, the ever-persecuted white male, and to prove this notion once and for all, they will hold a bake sale that is racist against everyone else.

White power y'all!

Which, in the dumb, half-baked minds of a misguided, racist GOP student body, means holding a dumb, racist, half-baked GOP student bake sale, where stoned white males with a hankerin' for something sweet have to pay $2 per cupcake, while everybody else pays a couple quarters less for their baked good of choice, depending on skin color, gender, and of course, a wonderful, randomly assigned scale of "this is how much less than a white guy you are worth."

To, ummm, prove a point!?

Asian Americans? That'll be a $1.50. Latinos? Just $1.00 please. Blacks? Oh, they are very cheap compared to white guys, only $0.75. Native Americans? Even better, only $0.25 a pop! That's practically dirt! Doesn't get much more worthless than that.

And remember people, ladies are worth 25 cents less than men across the board. So word to the wise, find some nice black and/or Native American ladies on campus and you my friend, will be able to stuff your face with all the cupcakes and cream puffs your diabetic li'l heart desires. On the cheap!

From CNN:

“We agree that the event is inherently racist, but that is the point,” Berkeley College Republican President Shawn Lewis wrote in response to upheaval over the bake sale.

"We agree that the event is inherently racist, but..." is also the GOP platform.

“It is no more racist than giving an individual an advantage in college admissions based solely on their race (or) gender.”

Right, of course! Just like saying eight black women are worth one white guy is racist against white guys.

Which is weird because I was always under the impression that black guy snacks (wait or was it black guys??) should cost 3/5 of the "normal" price.

One white, err, vanilla cupcake, please!

[image via Wonkette]

The Great American Scheme: Send Sarah Money To See Sarah Run!

No one, I mean no one, knows how to make a killing from doing nothing quite like grifter-quitter-grandma extraordinaire Sarah Palin. Hell, it's not her fault, she was born that way!

And being the kind of psycho, narcissistic, fame whore who thinks she's entitled to moose piles of money for ridin' around the county yellin' crazy racist stuff at old white people in a custom-made, American flag-covered tour bus tribute to herself, Sarah Palin has devised yet another "fool-proof" way to bilk the hard-working public out of their hard-earned money by continuing to pretend anyone other than mindless zombie hockey moms and Wasilla's nursing home community would actually elect her president of the National Mushing Association, let alone the United States.

Seriously, who knew waiting around, doing nothing could be so profitable!? Other than SarahPAC treasurer Tim Crawford, of course!

As you may know, Gov. Palin is on the verge of making her decision of whether or not to run for office.
It’s one of the most difficult and important decisions of her life. And I want her to know that she has our support.
Gov. Palin is a proven leader. She’s a common-sense conservative who fights for the rights of Americans like you and me — not special interests or big corporations.
Meanwhile, Barack Obama’s presidency is a disaster. One in five working-age men are out of work. One in seven Americans are on food stamps. Thirty percent of our mortgages are under water. Parts of Michigan and California are suffering from unemployment numbers that are greater than during the depths of the Great Depression.
Someone must save our nation from this road to European Socialism. Do you think it should be Gov. Palin?
If so, can you send your best, one-time gift to SarahPAC today to help her elect more common-sense conservatives - and show her that we support her if she decides to run?

YES WE CAN!! YES WE CAN!! Because, yes, underlining random words and phrases does make it sound less like a shakedown, particularly if your choice for president also happens to be the one begging for your last twenty dollars.

It's your lucky day, America! You have the once-in-a-lifetime once-every-four-years opportunity to give Sarah Palin lots of money, so she can maybe think about keeping her streak of losing to better, more qualified candidates alive. Or not.

On second thought, stop thinking at all and just hand over the fucking cash.

Oh, and if you choose to send a check instead, always remember to heed Sarah's advice and quit writing it halfway through. Ya know, common sense!

[image via AP]

Money Talks! Fake David Koch Prank Caller Discusses How Best To Crush Unions With Real Gov. Scott Walker. Their Answer: Baseball Bats!

Heartless, union-whacking Monster of the Midwest, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, is up to his neck in angry mobs of no-good, money sucking labor unions protestin' his brave new plan to restore fiscal sanity to Wisconsin by rolling back collective bargaining rights and reducing already meager salaries of police, firefighters, teachers and other freeloadin' public employees wastin' taxpayer money trying to teach li'l Johnny Algebra.

How rude! Amiright?

I mean, the nerve of those greedy union goons thinking billionaires, multimillionaires and high-flying corporate executives should actually pay silly, poor people things like income taxes, while they live large with their $50k a year, basic health insurance, and soon-to-be-revoked ability to collectively negotiate their salaries so they don't get screwed out of house 'n home by their new governor/corporate overlord.

But don't think for one minute this means Mr. Scott Walker, THE Gov. Scott Walker, is too busy dealing with disgruntled First Amendment-flexing citizens peacefully marching across Madison to talk to right-wing industrialist and secret Republican Czar David Koch for 20 minutes on the taxpayer-funded phone in his taxpayer-funded office.

Unfortunately for Walker, the “David Koch” he talked to for 20 minutes was actually just a liberal blogger named Ian Murphy putting on a funny rich-guy voice, and pretending to be an asshole with no morals who hates the middle class.

So is Scott Walker finally going to budge and let the workers of Wisconsin have their rights? No, no, don't be an idiot. He's going to brag about awesome ideas like pinning felonies on senators, or better yet, firing the darn rabble rousers who fled the state, sending "at risk" notices to state workers, and of course, taking a baseball bat to the heads of poor protesters, which is a wonderful way to, in fake David Koch's words, "crush that union."

Walker: Hi; this is Scott Walker.
Koch: Scott! David Koch. How are you?
Walker: Hey, David! I’m good. And yourself?
Koch: I’m very well. I’m a little disheartened by the situation there...Now you’re not talking to any of these Democrat bastards, are you?
Walker: Ah, I—there’s one guy that’s actually voted with me on a bunch of things I called on Saturday for about 45 minutes, mainly to tell him that while I appreciate his friendship and he’s worked with us on other things, to tell him I wasn’t going to budge.
Koch: Goddamn right!
Walker: …his name is Tim Cullen—
Koch: All right, I’ll have to give that man a call.
Walker: Well, actually, in his case I wouldn’t call him and I’ll tell you why: he’s pretty reasonable but he’s not one of us…
Koch: Now who can we get to budge on this collective bargaining?
Walker: …I’ve got layoff notices ready…
Koch: Beautiful; beautiful. Gotta crush that union.
Walker: [bragging about how he doesn't budge]…
Koch: Bring a baseball bat. That’s what I’d do.
Walker: I have one in my office; you’d be happy with that. I have a slugger with my name on it.
Koch: Beautiful.
Walker: [more union-bashing...]
Koch: Beautiful.
Walker: So this is ground zero, there’s no doubt about it.
Koch: Goddamn right! We, uh, we sent, uh, Andrew Breitbart down there.
Walker:Yeah.
Koch: Yeah.
Walker: Good stuff.
Koch: He’s our man, you know.
Koch: Now what else could we do for you down there? We’ll back you any way we can. What we were thinking about the crowd was, uh, was planting some troublemakers.
Walker: You know, well, the only problem with that —because we thought about that. The problem—the, my only gut reaction to that is right now the lawmakers I’ve talked to have just completely had it with them, the public is not really fond of this…[explains that planting troublemakers may not work.] My only fear would be if there’s a ruckus caused is that maybe the governor has to settle to solve all these problems…[something about '60s liberals.]…Let ‘em protest all they want…Sooner or later the media stops finding it interesting.
Koch: Well, not the liberal bastards on MSNBC.

Whoa, whoa, with all due respect, Mr. Koch, Scott happens to dig Morning Joe‘s Mika Brzezinski’s one good asset.

Walker: Oh yeah, but who watches that? I went on “Morning Joe” this morning. I like it because I just like being combative with those guys, but, uh. You know they’re off the deep end.
Koch: Joe—Joe’s a good guy. He’s one of us.
Walker: Yeah, he’s all right. He was fair to me…[bashes NY Senator Chuck Schumer, who was also on the program.]
Koch: Beautiful; beautiful. You gotta love that Mika Brzezinski; she’s a real piece of ass.
Walker: Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

But that's not all! Once Scott Walker's done acting like the Kool-Aid Man's hell version, if his gigantic pitcher were filled with hydrochloric acid instead of refreshing, frosty signature sugary red juice, he's got plenty of fun activities planned far, far, away from the frozen wasteland of shrieking poor people wearing cheddar wheels on their heads.

Koch: [Laughs] Well, I tell you what, Scott: once you crush these bastards I’ll fly you out to Cali and really show you a good time.
Walker: All right, that would be outstanding.

So true! We hear there are some good faux S&M lesbian strippers over there. Ya know, the kind Republican officials like.

That way, they can first hit up the nudie clubs and enjoy a nice strip tease from Cinnamon and Fantasia, before stripping away all their rights, benefits, and privileges, including their precious single dollar bills.

How else is Scott supposed to tip the hardworking unionized men and women carrying his designer Louis Vuitton luggage from the limo to the airport, huh?

With his own hard-earned money?

Sure, when hell freezes over.

Which, come to think of it, sounds exactly like Wisconsin these days!

Republican Congressman Chris Lee Resigns Over Sex Scandal Not Even Involving Gays, Animals, Or Crackhead Prostitutes

New York's finest, freakiest, Craigslist trolling Republican House Representative, Chris Lee, was actually trying to hook up with a human female on the Internet, which is odd because everyone knows Republicans prefer their secret sexytime trysts be with undercover male cops in airport men's rooms, or at the very least, hot, sexy, underage go-getters padding their resume as pages on the congressional floor.

Now, most of the time, Rep. Christopher Lee is a married 46-year-old Republican selflessly serving the 26th District of New York. But when he scours Craiglist's "Women Seeking Men" section, hunting for some hot hetero tail, he becomes Christopher Lee, "39-year-old, divorced lobbyist" and all-around "fit, fun, classy guy" who thinks sending shirtless camera-phone photos of him flexing his bicep in the mirror like some lame high school kid on Facebook is appealing to anyone above the age of 15, let alone 30-something women professionals.

Word to the wise, Chris-bro, it's basically one step above a Brett Favre cock shot, got it?

But since Christopher Lee has already shamefully resigned in what could be the quickest-scandal-not-involving-underage-teenage boys-S&M lezzie clubs-coke-prostitutes-in-bathroom stalls-in the history of humiliating sex shockers, involving esteemed family values politicians, is there really any point in umm, how shall I say this, pointing out the man's flagrant lies and hypocrisy?

Ha, is John Boehner orange, Sarah Palin an idiot, and John McCain as old as time??

Besides, anyone who votes in favor of a ban on federal funding of abortion and against allowing gays and lesbians to be their fabulous selves as out 'n proud members of the US military is obviously pretty comfortable publicly scrutinizing other people's sex lives, and as such, probably shouldn't send out teenage boy muscle flexing self-shots all over the Internets.

Oh well!

"It has been a tremendous honor to serve the people of Western New York. I regret the harm that my actions have caused my family, my staff and my constituents. I deeply and sincerely apologize to them all. I have made profound mistakes and I promise to work as hard as I can to seek their forgiveness."

"The challenges we face in Western New York and across the country are too serious for me to allow this distraction to continue, and so I am announcing that I have resigned my seat in Congress effective immediately."

On the bright side, he really can spend more time with his family now, if they still want him around. Maybe they do. Maybe they are forgiving. Or maybe they just have a soft spot for slimy, "happily-married" legislators who secretly moonlight as single, sexy, bicep-flexing shirtless corporate shills.

If not, he's well on his way to fulfilling his other fantasy which of course is to be a divorced, 39-year-old, lobbyist.

And considering this sexytime scandal, all of that may actually soon come true for him!

Except he'll still be 46. 

Perhaps next mid-life crisis, dude might want to consider just blowing the bank on a hot, sexy, new sports car instead.

Unlike bitches, cars don't talk.

Gettin Jiggy Wit It: Big Pimpin' Mark Kirk Won't Let Dem Crazy Coloreds "Jigger" With His Pure, White Senate Election!

Everyone makes mistakes, Mark Kirk just makes a lot of them. Usually, at the absolute worst time possible. Like, say, two weeks before Senate elections, bad timing!

For the most part, Mr. Kirk has managed to keep his lies, distortions, exaggerations, and various f**k-ups out of the prying public eye, save for a few concocted claims about oh, I don't know, winning the Navy’s exclusive Intelligence Officer of the Year award (he didn't!), being a nursery care school teacher (he wasn't!), masquerading as a strapping, heterosexual man (he isn't!), all to stay competitive, locked neck & neck, packed tight (ooooh, just the way he likes it!) with sexy, smooth Democratic challenger Alexi Giannoulias.

But then suddenly, out of nowhere, Mark's Grand Old Penchant for being a no-good hypocrite, getting caught saying and/or doing terrible things, rears its ugly head, once again showing his true colors: WHITE! and threatening to derail Mr. Kirk's hopes of earning the distinct privilege of screwing over as many dumb, poor people as possible as the nation's new esteemed Republican senator from Illinois. Hooray!

In a secretly recorded (D'Oh!) phone conversation with various state GOP big shots, the always lovely Mark Kirk told state Republican leaders last week about his freakin' golden plan (eat it Blago!) to send "lawyers and other people to vulnerable precincts...where the other side might be tempted to jigger the numbers somewhat."

The "other side" of course referring to those unsavory characters who inhabit the "vulnerable precincts of Rockford, Metro East, and South and West Chicago," or as Mark Kirk likes to call 'em, scary people with black skin. Ya know, the kind of predominantly African-American neighborhoods where those dark, menacing forces in the form of minorities who aren't pure snow white, "might be tempted to jigger the numbers somewhat."

Jigga what? Jigga who?

Who knew that in addition to heroically trying to prevent voter fraud (by making it more difficult to cast ballots and suppressing minority voter turnout), Mark Kirk was also such a huge Jay-Z fan??  I personally had him pegged as more of a Vanilla Ice guy, but hey, guess the man is just full of surprises, right?

Big Pimpin' Kirk. He certainly's got 99 problems, but we all know a b*tch ain't one!

Of course, Mark's fabulous plan to send a bunch of suited-up Republican lawyers to question/harass the credentials of voters on Chicago's south side is in no way racist or anything, but simply a nice, Teabagger way of ensuring elections in this country are glistening clean, spotless, and 100 percent jigger-free.

At least someone has the basketballs big enough to stand up against the terrible widespread problem of voter fraud wingnuts are always shrieking about when not ranting about how The Gays, Muslims, and Blacky NObama are destroying America, despite the so-called Justice Department's finding virtually no evidence of any organized effort to skew federal elections.

But it must be true if Fox News says it is, right? Something about ACORN (or was it squirrels?) stealing all our votes in some menacing liberal plot to take over the world, one poor, disenfranchised neighborhood at a time.

So, ummm, a word of advice to Mark Kirk: unless you want your problems to keep getting bigger, or are brushing up your skills for your next gig as the state's best ditch digger, when trying to suppress minority votes via the big, bad BLACK vote rigger, it is probably best to avoid the word jigger, or any word ending in -igger for that matter, ya figure?

Unless you want people thinking the three K's in your name, MarK KirK, are no coincidence at all, and instead start jiggering around the letters until they get to a more appropriate name for a crazy cracker, like say, Mark KirKKK.

Hehe snigger!

It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's A Black Man Stealing My Election!

Will RNC Replace Michael "Sexytime" Steele With The Even More Hilarious, Fool(proof) Sarah Palin?

The secret to soaring success in the Republican Party is all but guaranteed by following one of two surefire paths: bein' a sexy hot mama with a killer bod, wicked aim, and all the wit and charm of a rabid hyena, with the brain power to match, or a freakishly ineffective, gaffe prone, bumbling black man with a knack for saying the most hilariously inappropriate things at the most comically inopportune times.

From the lamestream media's perspective, including "bored, pathetic, no-life anonymous bloggers" like yours truly, Michael Steele has been nothing short of a Godsend. A veritable treasure trove of endless gaffes, misjudgments, and what-the-hell-was-he-thinking (or not) moments, just begging to be endlessly mocked.

On the other hand, those who actually care about the health of the Gray Old Party and/or effectiveness of its esteemed Chairman to, umm, actually help get Republicans elected, by raising actual money, promoting party principles, not actively humiliate the Party while blowing through their entire budget on faux lesbo S&M bondage clubs and essential office supplies like designer shoes, are starting to wonder if it's time to swap Steele for someone a little less worn and rusted.

In light of his most recent gaffe, the cardinal sin of Republicans, by not wanting people to die all the time in endless wars, Michael Steele might have finally taken his inability to filter thoughts between his brain and his mouth a step too far. Oh no!

Rumors are starting to swirl that El Chairman might finally get the ol' heave ho, but where oh where on God's green Earth, are they going to find a good looking power player as universally beloved, successful, and sexy,  who really knows how to shake things up, with the super skills necessary to be the next dopest, off-the-hook Republican leader of the entire world?

Hint: look due North (all the way up)!

Apparently, there's some talk in GOP circles that the Barracuda herself should take over the RNC mantle as the second biggest mistake the Party has made in as many appointments.

John McCain's one-time running mate and former Alaska governor is, as CBS News' Bill Plante puts it, "the star of the Republican Party. She's the top endorser, top fundraiser — and now could be the party's top dog. Some members of the GOP base are calling for her" to take Steele's place.

Which means, wait for it...Everybody's favorite Arctic drifter and professional quitter Sarah Louise Palin, the most wonderful woman ever to grace the face of the Earth, is being tossed around (not as a hilarious joke) but as an actual, legitimate replacement of ol' balls of Steele. THIS IS THE BEST MOST AMAZING NEWS IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND!

To think, Queen Bee Sarah may actually get to be the #1 most importantist Republican fundraiser in all the land! I mean Lord knows the woman's got a knack for raising ungodly sums of cold, hard cash, though mostly to store in her own endlessly deep pockets, not to mention a head start on off-the-hook technology kids really go for like her favoritest Facebook and Twitter.

OMG, please, please, please pick Sarah Palin. That would be so awesome! Because the only thing better than having an incompetent fool whose most compelling quality is the color of his skin, is to have an equally incompetent buffoon whose best asset is contained within the first three letter of the word, though her unique ability to massacre speeches from the palm of her hand doesn't hurt either! Plus, she's got that one-of-a-kind knack for saying stupid things, turning everything she touches into a continual spectacle and object for ridicule.

Which is...perfect?

Sure, $arah would totally max-out a few more base donors before the midterms, maybe convince some dying old white men to contribute to her very "attractive" cause for the constitution 'n stuff. But even so, letting $arah Palin be the party's "top dog" seems insane considering only 37 percent of 'mericans have a favorable opinion (meaning they don't automatically gag whenever she opens her freedom hole), and the other 73 percent can't stand the crazy Alaskan mama bear, which is to say they don't much care for former half term runner up governors of Miss America, wait , or was it Alaska? I can never keep 'em straight!

And you betcha the Democrats would be all over the chance to use the "Sarah Palin as the official head of the Republican Party" as a fundrasing ploy, because surely those words will send a chill down the spine of every mega rich, arugula eating liberal elitist who doesn't sleep with a loaded Magnum .357 beneath their pillow for warmth and comfort, or in case any pryin' journ-y-lists come venturing too close to Mama's den.

Besides, why would Miss Thang ever give up her lucrative multimedia career in the thriving industry of spreading lies and misinformation to clueless patriots 'cross this great nation en route to getting rich baby by spillin' trash baby trash upon the unsuspecting ears of the American public.

Sure, she loooooves quitting things she starts, but that's only when there's more money to be made elsewhere, not for some terrible reason like to actually helping her wonderful Party accomplish something other than setting the Guinness World Record for most consecutive boneheaded decisions by a single organization!

This would not be a wise career move! It would be downright unAmerican to let all this soon-to-be cash go to waste on something silly like helping Republicans, instead of spending it on something important like helping her look even sexier in expensive black leather jackets. For freedom!

But alas, Steele will likely keep his job screwing everything up, hemorrhaging donor money and being his usual disastrous, gaffelicious self  because "even his GOP critics want to avoid a drawn-out fight over the party's most prominent African-American just four months before midterm elections."

They might lose the African-American vote: his!

Instead they'll do the honorable thing and unceremoniously dump him after the midterm elections, and replace him with the next Great White Hype who isn't a lipstick wearing pig maverick hockey mom by the name of Sarah Palin.

Since Jesus Christ is already sooooooo swamped advising everyone from Glenn Beck to Michele Bachmann, an even better idea would be to get one of Sarah Palin's adorable li'l miracles of God to fill Steele's rather large, expensive designer shoes?

Bristol's probably too busy getting pregnant or warning other teens not to get pregnant to take on such massive responsibility. But there's always that youngest, special neediest one, Trigger.

Might just be the perfect way to reconnect with the similarly "special" (needs) base of the Republican Party!

It's all part of God's Master Plan! Which I guess, at least explains the whole Michael Steele as Chairman thing.

The Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways!

Nobody Knows How To Shake Up, Dumb Down, Or Screw Over An Election Quite Like South Carolina!

Well done, South Carolina, well done! You have surpassed even the lowest, most pathetic expectations to solidify a sullied hallowed place in South Carolina's great political hall of shame.

This is no small feat! Especially in good ol' South Carolina, where Republican governors hike Appalachian Trails to wild extra-marital sex with hot Argentine mistresses, sexy Republican gubernatorial hopefuls bang bloggers, political rivals, and basically anyone who is not their husband, and of course, unemployed, accused sex offenders who may or may not be mentally retarded win Democratic Senate primaries. Hooray!

So, sorry Texas, Arizona, Alabama, and the rest of the red-headed stepstates whose valiant efforts to oust North Carolina's parasitic twin from its well-earned perch high atop the nut tree as the undisputed king of the crazies fell just a wee bit short.

Oh, South Carolina you make us proud! No one waltzes in and steals your dysfunctional thunder without putting up a fight first. They've get pride, people!

So much pride in fact, that they happily elect an unemployed black man with zero political experience, still living with his 81-year-old father, whose ability to actually sign up for an election, pay the $10,000 fee, and have his name come first on the ballot was more than enough to dazzle the voters.

This is the irresistible charm of South Carolina, my friends!

According to the AP:

"Greene stunned state Democratic Party leaders by winning the nomination. He raised no money and put up no campaign website. He beat former four-term state lawmaker Vic Rawl, 64, who had raised about $186,000 and had to abruptly scrap a late-week fundraiser for the fall."

"Alvin Greene says he’s a 13-year veteran of both the Army and the Air Force, but he’s been out of the military and unemployed since last year."

Not to mention, that sentence is far more coherent than anything Greene has actually been quoted as saying, because there is serious suspicion that the poor fellow is indeed brain damaged. And not a metaphorical "crazy," like Kentucky fried wingnut Rand Paul, but more like his brain is damaged, medically.

Sort of like how in movies, the bad guys find some dumb borderline-retarded schmuck to do their dirty work, and someone says the obligatory line, "He's so stupid. He's perfect." or "It's so crazy, it just might work!" while fiendishly rubbing their hands together.

Well, in this case, just substitute "movies" for "South Carolina" and "token loser/lovable Lenny-type" with real-life lovable loser Alvin Greene.

"I'm the Democratic Party nominee," Greene said in an interview at his father's home on a lonely stretch of rural highway in central South Carolina. "The people have spoken. The people of South Carolina have spoken. The people of South Carolina have spoken. We have to be pro-South Carolina. The people of South Carolina have spoken. We have to be pro-South Carolina."

Wait, what?!? Err, oh, nevermind. Does it even matter anyway?

Yeah, so Greene was also "involuntarily" honorably discharged from the army (not sketchy at all) and recently arrested and charged with a felony charge of obscenity for creeping out some college chick with porno pics and an unwelcome invite to accompany her back to her dorm like the true South Carolina sex offender gentleman he is.

Naturally, when asked by reporters about the sex-creep felony charges he faces, Greene hung up the phone. Dude's one smooooooth operator.

But either way, speculation continues regarding how this guy, who possesses neither a computer nor a cell phone, nor apparently the ability to formulate so much as a single coherent sentence suddenly morphs into a supernatural ELECTION-WINNING MACHINE, capturing over 100,000 votes.

Even if they were just South Carolina votes.

So, of course a lot of folks assume that he's some kind of plant by the Republican Party, which seems insane, or at least as insane as a 32-year-old unknown unemployed veteran, both incoherent and obviously incompetent, who made no campaign appearances, has no campaign organization and mysteriously paid the $10,400 filing fee out of his own pocket was able to handily defeat his much more-qualified opponent by no less than 16 points.

How this happened exactly (foul play, his name starting with A, South Carolina being well, South Carolina?) is unclear. What is clear, is that however way he won, Alvin Greene put as little effort into it as possible.

Imagine what he could have done if he had even so much as tried to win.

Just think of the possibilities if Greene had taken his platform of shoving porn in college girls' faces directly to the good people of South Carolina!

Why, his margin of victory could have been off-the-charts, of almost mythical proportion! The dude could have been legendary. Like $arah Palin legendary, even!

If not convicted and put in prison before the general election (keep your fingers crossed!), Alvin Greene will face incumbent wingnut Republican Senator Jim DeMint in November, where he will almost certainly lose by some stunningly humiliating margin, like any actual Democratic, carbon-based being not named Jim DeMint would.

Unless, all Greene needs to do is sign up for an election to win it.

Then perhaps Jim DeMint should be worried.

Does South Carolina have a place in its heart for a young, black, inexplicably unemployed, possibly perverted shut-in of mysterious origins with no political experience or actual knowledge we can discern, who might also be mentally retarded?

Hell, do you even have to ask? This is South Carolina, y'all!!!!!!

$arah Palin Has Had Quite Enough Of This "Boobgate" Scandal She's Always Not Talkin' 'Bout!

"Nooo, I have not had implants. I think a report like that is about as real and truthful that Todd and I are divorcing or that I bought a place in the Hamptons or that Trig is not my own child. And we still put up with that garbage, too."-- Sarah Palin

Hot stinkin' garbaaaage that Little Miss $arah simply needn't so much as mention, it's so petty and insignificant in the scheme of things!

But since you asked, Greta Van Susteren, and I love you for that, because you're not afraid to ask "the questions," and even though you think my husband is hot as hellfire, and would bang him in a heartbeat, I could never disappoint a fellow Fox News feminist just tryin' to keep the lamestream media on their toes.

So, in lieu of the usual vile, incoherent Facebook spew or 140 character Twittery cheers about how boobie talk demeans women, much like the choice to murder miracles of drunken regret God, the world famous moose hunter and Arctic swindler, $arah Louise Palin will bring the never-before-heard truth behind the week's hottest, new scandal made all cute and adorable by shoving gate at the end: the one, the only, incredible "Boobgate" saga.

VAN SUSTEREN: You know, it’s sort of interesting, Governor. I’ll take a bet with you. Maybe you won’t take this bet with me. But the last segment, we discussed policy. I asked about energy policy since energy is so important to your home state of Alaska. My guess is this next question I’m going to ask you, which is the buzz of the Internet, it’s in mainstream media — I bet it gets more attention than our discussion about energy. So here it is. Breast implants! Did you have them or not? Because that’s all over the Internet about you, and mainstream media.

PALIN: Well, first, Greta, you know why we love you? Because you’re not afraid to ask the questions. And I got to respect you for asking that question because I know that “boobgate” is all over the Internet right now because there are a lot of, I guess, bored, idle bloggers and reporters with nothing else to talk about. And I think some of those folks, too, they need to grab a shovel, go down to the gulf, volunteer to help, clean up and save a whale or something instead of reporting on such stupid things like that.

Ummm, nothing!?!? Sure, nothing except some rich dumb bitch who went and bought herself some tits.

In other words, EVERYTHING!

Or at least until you throw on a designer wetsuit, grab your special edition diamond-encrusted hockey stick,  butterfly stroke on down to the Gulf coast, and start pluckin' out oil-soaked birds and fish before tossin' the half-dead bastards in the sand and headin' back to your private, air-conditioned presidential suite, away from the gross, greasy animals and reporters, to play with Trig and take a quick power nap.

Then maybe, we can finally report on something important for a change!

Unlike Rival Alexi Giannoulias, Mark Kirk Doesn't Need Family To Make Him Look Bad, He Can Do That All By Himself!

Mark Kirk, At Your Slightly Embellished Service!

Like bees and honey, needles and thread, or Glenn Beck and swastikas, politicians and lies go together like $arah Palin and stupid.

A perfect fit!

When it comes to douchebag politicians lying, misleading, or otherwise bending the truth about which trails they were hiking (like Appalachian paths to hot, extramarital sex in Buenos Aires), military service they did not complete, or distinguished honors they were never in fact awarded, the field is chock full 'o potential embellishers, fabricators, and hyperbole-lovers of all stripes and sizes, on both sides of the political aisle.

The possibilities are endless--and that's without exaggerating!

Apparently, unlike say, helping poor people not die in the street or go broke by reforming health care and Wall Street, or giving those pesky gays the right to die for the freedom they don't themselves enjoy, skewing one's military record seems to be as non-partisan and widespread as well, sleeping with a staffer during late nights at the office, or avoiding hunting trips (or any activity involving bullets & guns) with Dick Cheney.

About two weeks ago, Democratic Senate hopeful and Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal's service record became the hapless chum in the latest media feeding frenzy, after a speech emerged in which the Senate candidate said he served "in," rather than "during," the war in Vietnam. The lying, no-good rat bastard!

"At times when I have sought to honor veterans, I have not been as clear or precise as I should have been about my service in the Marine Corps Reserves,'' Blumenthal said. "I have firmly and clearly expressed regret and taken responsibility for my words...I have made mistakes and I am sorry. I truly regret offending anyone. I will always champion the cause of Connecticut's and our nation's veterans."

Almost as much as his own election campaign, no doubt. What a sweetheart!

Step aside, Richard Blumenthal, it appears you may have company! Hooray?

Not to be outdone by an evil, arugula-eating elitist DEMONcrat, Republican Rep. Mark Kirk may have done some less-than-savory exaggerating himself en route to maybe, just maybe, snagging that no-good Kenyan terrorist Barack Obama's former senate seat in always-honorable Illinois, the original dysfunctional, red-headed stepchild of indicted governors and other freakin' golden, uniquely-coiffed elected officials turned inmates.

You see, Mark Kirk, a Navy reservist elected to Congress in 2001, has made no secret about his illustrious military career, claiming on several occasions that he received the Navy's exclusive Intelligence Officer of the Year award, given to just one brave, outstanding, individual patriot a year. Excluuuuusive!

This is a very big deal (as far as these things go!), and the perfect thing to boast about to the dumb, gullible masses. Except for one tiny, little, not-at-all-important detail: he never won it.

Ummm, ooops?

Turns out the distinguished Mr. Kirk, whose entire campaign is based on this achievement, as proof of his special specious qualifications to discuss national security spending. Unless by special you of course mean pulled out of that "special" place where the sun don't shine.

The intelligence unit Kirk served in in Serbia in the 1990s (not he as an individual) won another award entirely—given not by the Navy (as he claimed), but by some private group called, the National Military Intelligence Association for outstanding service.

The award "citation in 2000 contains no mention of Kirk and instead designates the entire Intelligence Division Electronic Attack Wing," according to the Washington Post.

Hmmm, that's odd.

Rep. Mark Kirk acknowledged the error in his official biography after The Washington Post began looking into whether he had received the prestigious award, which is given by top Navy officials to a single individual annually.

Kirk wrote on his blog that "upon a recent review of my records, I found that an award listed in my official biography was misidentified" and that the award he had intended to list was given to his entire unit.

His spokesman, the wonderfully Sarah Palin-esque named Eric Elk, would say only that "we found the award was misidentified and corrected the name."

Good work, soldier!

Meanwhile, Kathleen Strand, communications director for the Giannoulias campaign, said that Kirk "is lying or embellishing his military record," making him "the worst kind of Washington politician."

You mean the only kind??

"Upon a recent review of my records, I found that an award listed in my official biography was misidentified as 'Intelligence Officer of the Year,'" Kirk explained. "In fact...I was the recipient of the Rufus Taylor Intelligence Unit of the Year award for outstanding support provided during Operation Allied Force."

The Doofus, err, Rufus Taylor Intelligence Unit of the Year award?? What the hell kind of bullsh*t is that?

I mean seriously people! That's like me saying I won the Academy Award, before admitting the distinguished honor came not from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, but the Hogwarts Academy of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Why, is there a difference or something?

Even more mind-blowing is how such easy, honest mistakes defy the law of averages, with the statistically impossible outcome of making the politician look better, smarter, and more spectacular than they actually are, no less than 100% of the time.

Hmmm, I guess politics is the new pseudo-science of the obvious.

Obviously in need of some serious psychiatric care.

John Ensign Is Nothing Like Bill Clinton, Except For Cheating On His Wife

One thing we know for certain about John Ensign is that he is not Bill Clinton.

Sure, he was banging his buddy's wife and former campaign aide Cynthia Hampton for a good six months or so before getting caught (oops!) and begging his megarich, stud parents to bail his philandering ass out by paying the Hampton Family $96,000 in hush money. Or, as the Ensign's like to call it, "generous gifts in the form of eight $12,000 checks to Doug, Cindy and two of their children out of concern for the well-being of long-time family friends during a difficult time" and also so the sum wouldn’t have to be declared as taxable income. Neat trick!

But unlike that slimeball Bill Clinton who absolutely deserved to be impeached as President of the United States for his sordid affair, Ensign's sexual indiscretion is totally cool because he "didn’t lie under oath like Clinton did and hasn't done anything legally wrong."

Thus, he is fully justified in voting to throw Clinton's sleazy ass out of office for getting blown in the White House in '98 but refusing to do the same now that it's his charming sexcapades and resignation everyone is talking about!

Sometimes sorry is just not good enough!

"President Clinton stood right before the American people and he lied to the American people," Ensign said. "You remember that famous day he lied to the American people, plus the fact I thought he suborned perjury. That's why I voted for the articles of impeachment."

Not because he's a lying, two-faced fraud and pathetic hypocrite who had to have Mommy and Daddy save him from the consequences of letting li'l Johnny down there run things instead of the morally crusading, 51-year-old beloved Nevada senator, who as a former member of the House, crucified Bill Clinton because his impeccable character, pure heart, and honorable conduct qualified him to make such weighty moral judgments about others.

Jenny Sanford Is So Outta Here!

Jenny, Jenny, Who Can He Turn To?

Long-suffering Stepford wife Jenny Sanford has finally said good riddance to her no-good, two-timing, scoundrel of a governor husband, Mark Sanford, announcing she is moving the hell out of the Governor's Mansion and taking her four sons to Charleston. For real!

Jenny's surprise "F You" to hubby Mark comes upon the family's return from their joyous two-week vacay across Europe to patch things up one month after Gov. Sanford tearfully admitted that "hiking on the Appalachian Trail" really meant banging his hot Argentine mistress in a cozy Buenos Aires motel some 4,933 miles away from the nagging wifey and kids.

Soooo, umm I guess you could say the trip didn't go so well?

"I am so thankful for the overwhelming support and prayers we have received from people all across South Carolina. I am literally in awe of how blessed we are to have such love and support from family and friends, old and new."

"It is with this support, and after much careful and prayerful consideration, that I have decided to move back to our home in Charleston with our sons for the upcoming school year. From there, we will work to continue the process of healing our family."

Like finding a husband who is not a total douchebag.

"While we will be leaving Columbia, we will return often, and I will remain engaged in activities in my role as first lady, acknowledging that my responsibilities to my family come first."

Unlike some two-faced, good-for-nothing, drama queen governors who shall remain nameless.

"Once again, when it comes to personal family matters like this, I respectfully ask that members of the media allow us to go on with our lives in peace."

Hear that MEDIA? Stop making her husband shirk all responsibilities as governor of South Carolina in order to rendezvous with his Latina lover and then hold endless, weepy press conferences about how God loves cheating Republican hypocrites who run their state--and marriage--into the gutter.

Are America's Fave Alaskan Ice Duo Going The Way Of Levi And Bristol?

With Sarah Palin now gone as Empress of Alaska and all the boring talk about healthcare and racist, beer drinking cops throwing a few back with the President, August has certainly lived up to its reputation as the painfully slow news month when the media will listen to any kook and nutjob who says Barry is an ILLEGAL just to have something to fill their 24-hour news cycle.

Not anymore, because it looks like the Palin Family Circus is once again stepping up to the plate. Yeah!

But is the heart-wrenching rumor that America's favorite couple from the snowy north is getting a divorce true or just another evil liberal media concoction designed to hurt sweet Sarah and her loving family? So hard to tell...

Sarah of course has taken to the non-mainstream media outlet The Facebook to denounce the nasty divorce rumors on her spokeswoman Meg's page as pure fiction and just another example of mean-spirited journalists makin' things up again.

Let's take a look at the evidence.

AlaskaReport.com--which was also the first website to report the joyous news that Sarah Palin was running for governor of Alaska and was picked as John McCain's VP candidate--is citing "multiple sources" (including a former Palin staffer) that the Palin's are heading to splitsville. Gasp!

According to the report, the Palins were noticeably not speaking to each other for most of Sarah's farewell speech and weenie roast in Alaska last week. As if that weren't proof enough, after swearing in the new governor, Sarah ditched former first-dude Todd and made a quick getaway with Piper and son Trigg sans the hunky hubby, who was left to fend for his manly self.

Sarah also apparently removed her wedding ring a couple weeks ago and recently purchased land in Montana even though she is originally from Idaho. Is Sarah considering moving her family from wondrous Alaska to the sinful lower forty-eights?

Todd Palin also told Fox News last week that he was heading back to his job in the oil fields of Alaska, but after recently signing a book deal worth $11 million, you betcha' you won't find Miss hoity-toity slumming around oil rigs anymore. Leave that ne'er-do-well baby daddies like that scuzz bucket Levi Johnston.

As for the National Enquirer story exposing previous affairs on both sides as the reason behind the deterioration of their marriage and the stress from this leading to Palin's shocking resignation as governor of Alaska last week, I couldn't say. The Enquirer isn't exactly the Anchorage Times.

But in all fairness, it makes a hell of a lot more sense than quitting in order to serve. Certainly more than that rambling, incoherent resignation speech about basketball, the media, God, and how only dead fish go with the flow.

Don't Worry Todd: You Can Always Hug Your Sarah Cabbage Patch Kid!

What Do Rabbis, Criminals, And Lawmakers Have In Common? New Jersey, Duh!

Move over Tony Soprano! Two mayors, two state assemblymen, five rabbis and basically every powerful person from the lovely state of New Jersey has been arrested in a sweeping FBI corruption and money laundering probe for basically turning the Garden State into a one-stop criminal enterprise. Oy!

The sordid two-year corruption and international money-laundering scandal stretching from the Jersey Shore to Brooklyn to Israel and Switzerland culminated in charges against 44 people, including most mayors, politicians and half the rabbis in Brooklyn.

The details of the vast scandal are only beginning to be sorted out, but involved the familiar "pay-to-play" scheme in which people seeking government permits handed over cash, or more accurately, a box of Apple Jacks cereal stuffed with $97,000, to obtain under-the-table approval for whatever it is they wanted to do.

Among the illustrious politicians arrested in the shake-down are Hoboken Mayor Peter Cammarano, Secaucus Mayor Denis Elwell, Jersey City Deputy Mayor Leona Baldini, Jersey City Council President Mariano Vega and two state assemblymen. Imagine how much Cammarano could have accomplished if he had been in office longer than a mere three weeks. He could've been famous! Even Blago would be jealous.

Of course, no vast criminal conspiracy would be complete without Brooklyn Jews' greatest spiritual leaders, including Saul Kassin, grand rabbi of the Syrian Jewish community in the United States and Levy-Izhak Rosenbaum, a real mensch whose decade-long hobby of trafficking in human organs helped him turn a handsome profit by convincing vulnerable people to donate their kidneys for $10,000 before flipping them for upwards of $160,000! Hey, since when is capitalism illegal in this country?

"For these defendants, corruption was a way of life," Ralph J. Marra Jr., the acting United States attorney in New Jersey said. "They existed in an ethics-free zone."

Some, like Cammarano also apparently operated in a reality-free zone.

The young mayor of Hoboken was so confident in his election chances, he boasted, "Right now, the Italians, the Hispanics, the seniors are locked down. Nothing can change that now."

"I could be, uh, indicted," he continued, "and I’m still going to win 85 to 95 percent of those populations."

Ha ha, forgeddabout! Unless you're talking about prison populations.

But look on the brightside, New Jersey--at least no one's talking about Jim McGreevey's sexual preferences (gay!) anymore.

Mark Sanford Disappearing Faster Than South Carolina's Job Rate

South Carolina heartthrob Gov. Mark Sanford skipped a meeting with a top economic adviser and instead headed out of state to spend some quality time with the one woman he hasn't been secretly doing, his lovely wife Jenny!

Now, normally I'm all for a little one-on-one time with the wifey, especially after hubby Mark's tearful confession of an affair with "the love of his life" and "soul mate"--Argentinian hottie, Maria Belen Chapur, when he was supposed to be off hiking the Appalachian Trail, not holed up in a Buenos Aires motel with his long-legged Latina mistress.

But, according to his spokesman Joel Sawyer, Sanford's latest honeymoon outside South Carolina's beautiful borders, is just business as usual for the heartbreaker governor.

"The governor remains committed to repairing the damage he's done to his marriage, and so it shouldn't be any surprise that spending personal time with his wife is a part of that process."

Just like it shouldn't be any surprise that what began as an innocent hike along the Appalachian Trail ended in a teary-eyed governor reading love letters to Maria and bravely admitting all the other extramarital dalliances he so deeply regrets (getting caught in).

So I guess we can only assume that in between cheating on Jenny, seducing women, Latina and otherwise, and all around being an upstanding member of the Republican Party, South Carolina's humble governor has been hard at work fixing the critical budget problems and skyrocketing unemployment rate gripping the state.

Maybe that's why the only thing worse than the state of his marriage is the state of his broke-ass, stimulus-rejecting, job hemorrhaging, neglected, red-headed stepchild of a state, South Carolina.

Surprise! Dick Cheney Behind CIA's Sketchy, Secret Spy Program

Normally when something goes awry, the first person (if he can be considered that) people think of is Dick Cheney. For obvious reasons.

So when we started hearing whispers that the CIA has been duping Congress for years about all their super secret spy programs, our natural assumption was that if you delved deeper you'd eventually find Dick. Sorry, Nancy, not this time.

Turns out we were right! According to CIA director Leon Panetta's testimony to congressional intelligence committees, the Central Intelligence Agency withheld information about a secret counterterrorism program from Congress for eight years on DIRECT ORDERS from that lovable cuddlebug, former vice president Dick Cheney.

Now, Mr. Panetta only found out about this top-secret "program's" existence on June 23, and canceled the hell out of America's little underground KGB project the very same day!

Of course, no one will say what Cheney's secret doomsday project involved except that it was not the CIA interrogation program or domestic intelligence activities. Only that the "unidentified program was devised and deliberately concealed from Congress in the tense months after Sept. 11, when the Bush administration believed new Al Qaeda attacks could occur at any moment and brainstormed about radical countermeasures." Like drowning suspects without actually killing them!

Representative Peter Hoekstra of Michigan, the top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee, said he believed Congress would have only approved of the program "in the angry and panicky days after 9/11, on 9/12, but not later, after fears and tempers had begun to cool." The 13th or 14th? Forget about it.

The inspector general's report about the National Security Agency’s domestic surveillance activities revealed that Cheney's legal adviser, David S. Addington, wouldn't let the flippin' Pope know about their secret little program without direct approval from the boss man himself.

Unfortunately, Mr. Addington could not be reached for comment.

It's hard to talk when your tongue is in a shoebox under Dick Cheney's bed.

Sarah Palin's Not-At-All-Sketchy Decision To Abandon Alaska

The Fourth of July is supposed to be all about patriotic celebration, with plenty of food, family, fun and fireworks. But nooooooo. Alaskan floozy Sarah Palin had to go and ruin it for everyone by announcing she is quitting her illustrious non-job as governor of our beloved 49th state. She must really hate America to drop a bomb like this on our Independence Day, of all times! For shame, Sarah! Have you no decency?

But what's behind our fair ice queen's rash decision to quit being governor of the frozen tundra and Russian buffer of Alaska THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS before the next presidential election? Certainly her decision was based on more than just sheer lunacy, right?

Hmmm, let's take a look:

• Is Mama Bear Palin's getting ready to welcome another little cub into the mix? One that she can give a bizarre name to, parade around town, and then spend the rest of her days trying to tear the heart out of anyone who dares utter a word about her sweet little miracle of God? Let's just hope this one doesn't end up like Bristol...

• Sarah Palin's brother knows the real reason why lovely sister Sarah called it quits. She was sick and tired of spending "80 percent of her time defending herself" from the evil Media. Which must mean she didn't feel like shrieking at late-night comedians and mean-spirited photoshopping bloggers for wanting daughter Willow raped and special-needs baby Trig murdered, respectively. Screaming for weeks at a time can be so exhausting!

• Perhaps some sort of BIG, about-to-break scandal has sent Sarah suddenly packing? Something nice and juicy involving Sarah and her snow-mobiling, secessionist husband Todd steering lucrative state contracts to a well-connected company, Spenard Building Supplies, in exchange for innocent thank you's like their kick-ass home on pristine Lake Lucille in 2002? Not our sweet Sarah. That Alaskan maverick is gonna clean up ol' Washington once and for all! You betcha' she is!

• Nasty Neocon God Charles Krauthammer told Fox News that Palin is not a serious candidate for Republicans because she's dumber than rocks and any real GOP contender has to actually understand the issues and stop speaking in cliches and platitudes because it just plain looks bad. No foolin' neither!

• Could it be that Sarah's out of the game? Gasp! According to this nasty rumor, Sarah Palin is not running for anything, ever, and that she’s “out of politics for good." Uh-oh. Did Papa Krauthammer push delicate Sarah's last buttons? Or maybe she finally got the hint?? Eh, probably not.

I say the best guess from Palin's "rambling and sometimes confusing" resignation speech is pretty much no one knows what the hell she's doing, least of all the woman herself. She'll finish her book, go promote it in the "lower 48" aka fake America hell, spend time with her (growing?) family, give paid speeches, fundraise for the GOP, talk with folks, and who knows, maybe even consider a national run. Or just a regular one around the old Wasilla jogging trail. Hell, maybe she'll just go back to school. Didn't really stick the first time around.