Sarah Palin's Foreign Policy Manifesto Via Facebook! Hint 2 NObama: "Less Bow, More Boom Boom Pow!"

Fresh off her keynote "speech" to wingnuts and white robe-wearing patriots at last week's "Freedom Fest" in Virginia, world famous Arctic drifter and empress of the North Pole took to her favoritest Facebook to do what she does best: no, no, not bilk the public out of moose piles of money, silly! The other thing she does so much better than anyone else: yelling at that terrible Socialist demon NObama on popular tween social networking sites....for freedom. Hooray!

In her most recent illuminating, likely ghostwritten (lest it's grammatically incorrect and makes zero sense) F-book status update, $arah Palin dropped a lengthy foreign policy manifesto outlining the key points from her Freedom Fest speech and came thisclose to actually formulating a coherent few sentences. This is harder than it sounds, my friends!

But before Miss thang could delve into the bloody, red meat of her latest very important rant post, the Barracuda naturally had a few bones to pick (just like the old days huntin' with the fam!) with the elitist, arugula-eating lamestream media who, as usual, were bein' big fat MEANIES to her and her perfect, off-limits family parading every which way during her money-making venture speakin' from her palm across the lower 48.

"Earlier this week, I spoke at the Freedom Fest in Norfolk, Virginia; and, evidently, the media was asked to leave – not by me, that’s for sure. I want my message out, so despite reporters making up a story about “Palin people kicking us out” (uh, the “Palin people” entourage would consist of one person – my 15-year-old daughter, Willow – and I have no doubt she could take on any reporter, but I know for certain she didn’t “kick ‘em out” of the event). Anyway, here are some of the key issues I spoke about."

Got it, ya good-for-nothing louses? Any more tomfoolery from you hoity-toity media types and you, my friend, will enter a world of pain, Willow Palin style. And you better believe Mama Bear knows how to train her li'l cubs!

Palin on Defense Spending:

"It takes a lot of resources to maintain the best fighting force in the world – especially at a time when we face financial uncertainty and a mountain of debt that threatens all of our futures."

Not to mention, coastal seas that used to be made of actual non-toxic, Dihydrogen monoxide instead of flaming globs of delicious British Petroleum! But eh, who really cares 'bout silly, hippie-dippie environmentally things like that?

"We have a federal government that is spending trillions, and that has nationalized whole sections of our economy: the auto industry, the insurance industry, health care, student loans, the list goes on – all of it at enormous cost to the tax payer. The cost of Obamacare alone is likely to exceed $2.5 trillion dollars."

Ugh, why should we, hardworking decent folk, have to pay for your stupid diabetic grandma or leukemia-stricken kid just because your very nice health care company very reasonably suddenly dropped your coverage upon diagnosis and your double-shifts at the diner simply don't cut it?

This is America people, we pull ourselves up by our own God damn bootstraps!

"As a result of all these trillion dollar spending bills, America’s going bust in a hurry. By 2020 we may reach debt levels of $20 trillion – twice the debt that we have today! It reminds me of that joke I read the other day: “Please don’t tell Obama what comes after a trillion!"

HAHAHAHAHAHA, but the funniest part is I don't know either! Umm, maybe around the amount I got upfront for my awesomest best-selling 432-page tribute to myself, Goin' Rogue??

"Something has to be done urgently to stop the out of control Obama-Reid-Pelosi spending machine, and no government agency should be immune from budget scrutiny. We must make sure, however, that we do nothing to undermine the effectiveness of our military. If we lose wars, if we lose the ability to deter adversaries, if we lose the ability to provide security for ourselves and for our allies, we risk losing all that makes America great!"

Like bombing the bejesus out of every oil rich A-rab country we can for awesome democracy 'n stuff. USA! USA! USA! USA!

"Now don’t get me wrong: there’s nothing wrong with preaching fiscal conservatism. I want the federal government to balance its budget right now! And not the Washington way – which is raising your taxes to pay for their irresponsible spending habits. I want it done the American way: by cutting spending, reducing the size of government, and letting people keep more of their hard-earned cash."

Ya know, the Barracuda way: trim the fat, scalp the hide, and throw that badboy up on the office wall like a real star 'n striped 'merican!

"This administration may be willing to cut defense spending, but it’s increasing it everywhere else. I think we should do it the other way round: cut spending in other departments – apart from defense. We should not be cutting corners on our national security."

'Course we shouldn't! We don't need stinkin' public schools, roads, post offices, transportation, garbage collection, police officers, fire fighters, social security, medicare, or any other terrible socialist things like that.

On Obama's Foreign Policy Inheritance:

"When George W. Bush came into office, he inherited a military that had been cut deeply, an al Qaeda that had been unchallenged, and an approach to terrorism that focused on bringing court cases rather than destroying those who sought to destroy us. We saw the result of some of that on 9/11."

Guess unlike moral, pure Jesus W. Bush, Slick Willy was too focused on some other things, and got a little shall we say distracted? Wink wink!

"When President Obama came into office, he inherited a military that was winning in Iraq. He inherited loyal allies and strong alliances. And thanks to the lamestream media pawing and purring over him, he had the benefit of unparalleled global popularity. What an advantage!"

And to think, he didn't even do everything in his power (like shock 'n awe the sh*t out of the world) to squander it, the selfish jerk!

On the War on Terror:

"His administration has banned the phrase 'war on terror,' preferring instead politically correct nonsense like 'overseas contingency operations.' His Homeland Security Secretary calls acts of terrorism 'man-caused disasters.' His reckless plan to close Guantanamo (because there’s no place to go after it’s closed) faces bipartisan opposition now."

Ummm, how about somewhere cold and dark that no one in their right mind would ever choose to inhabit, like say, Wasilla?

On Afghanistan:

"A July 2011 date to begin withdrawal...This date was arbitrary! It bears no relation to conditions on the ground. It sends all the wrong signals to our friends and to our enemies. We know our commanders on the ground are not comfortable with it."

Just pick up that Rolling Rock or Rolling Stone magazine thingamajig, ya know, the one with AK-47s coming out of Lady Gaga's tatas on the cover, if you don't believe it!

What they are comfortable with, however, is little ol' me in a string bikini and an American made M16 strapped across my still-smokin'-hot, I-can't-believe-she's-only-46-years-old, bod.

"As that great Navy war hero, Senator John McCain recently put it: 'The decision to begin withdrawing our forces from Afghanistan arbitrarily in July 2011 seems to be having exactly the effect that many of us predicted it would: It is convincing the key actors inside and outside of Afghanistan that the United States is more interested in leaving than succeeding in this conflict.'"

What does that say about our unwavering commitment to waging unwinnable (trillion dollar) wars 24/7 'til there's no where left to invade? It says we're a bunch of quitters, that's what! And if there's anything America is not, it's a quitter! That's reserved for former half-term governors who honorably shirk their elected duties to tend to the private sector like a true American patriot, who bleeds red, white, and most importantly of all, green! Blue is overrated anyway!

On Coddling Adversaries:

"Meanwhile, the Obama Administration reaches out to some of the world’s worst regimes. They shake hands with dictators like Hugo Chavez, send letters to the Iranian mullahs and envoys to North Korea, ease sanctions on Cuba and talk about doing the same with Burma. That’s when they’re not on one of their worldwide apology tours."

Maybe they should try one of the Grand Old Party's worldwide carnage tours for some real change we can believe.

"Do we get anything in return for all this bowing and apologizing? No, we don’t...And while President Obama lets America get pushed around by the likes of Russia and China, our allies are left to wonder about the value of an alliance with the U.S. They have to be wondering if it’s worth it."

What do you think Tony Blair would say now? I, for one, don't think he would be so keen on siding with America, invading Iraq, and getting ousted from power in shameful disgrace any more, do you? Or take El Salvador and Estonia for example, where would America be without their solid, unconditional support and commitment to destroying a sovereign nation? This is the cost of alienating our friends! Think about it. Is this the kind of loner America (with nary a Poland to call your friend) we want to live in?

On an "Enemy-Centric" Foreign Policy (Sarah speak for not telling all the Asians and A-rabs to kiss her Arctic ass):

"When the world’s dictators see the United States unconcerned with human rights and political freedom, they breathe a sigh of relief, because they know they have a free hand to repress their own people."

Or read speeches from even!

"This goes against the very ideals on which our republic was founded. There is a long bipartisan tradition of speaking out in favor of freedom – from FDR to Ronald Reagan. America loses something very important when its President consigns human rights and freedom to the back burner of its international priorities"

Yes, we need a President who puts human rights and freedom to the back burner of its national priorities, like a real leader!

On a Different View of America:

"We have a President, perhaps for the very first time since the founding of our republic, who doesn’t appear to believe that America is the greatest earthly force for good the world has ever known."

"When asked whether he believed in American exceptionalism, President Obama answered, 'I believe in American exceptionalism, just as I suspect that the Brits believe in British exceptionalism and the Greeks believe in Greek exceptionalism.' Amazing. Amazing."

He doesn't even think America is the bestest, most awesomest, freedom-lovingest, Jesus-blessed nation ever to grace the face of God's (once) green earth! For shame, sir!

"It is in America’s and the world’s best interests for our country to remain the dominant military superpower, but under President Obama’s leadership that dominance may be slipping away. It’s the result of an agenda that reeks of complacency and defeatism."

Not to mention organically grown arugula!

"I went on from there to talk about our need to end the negative, defeatist attitudes of those in leadership. I spoke further on American exceptionalism, and Willow and I ended a great evening with some great patriots. Sorry the media chose to report anything other than what actually happened at the event." – Sarah Palin

Guess that's just what happens when you live in a nightmare dystopia where half black secret Muslim terrorists from Kenya hijack the White House en route to destroying America's hard-earned reputation as a dumb, lipstick wearing pitbull who drops not waste, but beautiful balls of freedom all over the world in adorable little packages that go KABOOM! when you open them.

Kinda like her favoritest holiday, Christmassacre! 'Cept without all the annoying good cheer.

Oh, you betcha!

Bristol Palin Is Taking A Break From Her Abstinence Crusade To Be The Yo-Yo Ma Of Bad After-School Specials

Like OMG! Did you hear the amazing, Twitterific news about America's favoritest knocked-up, unwed teenage hero and world-famous abstinence crusader, the voice of an entire generation (no, no not Kanye!), Bristol Palin??

Turns out, the famous daughter of Alaskan legend $arah Palin was soooooooo successful in her very important public service announcement warning horny, young teens across the US of A about what happens when you, the bored daughter of Alaskan royalty decide to get drunk, whip out the hooha, and make maverick sexytime every time Mama's off huntin' liberals, or on another one of her get-rich-quick tours in the mainland, that Hollywood has once again come-a-callin!

And Lord knows when Tinseltown calls, you betcha Bristol's pickin' up the phone! Like, duh!

Fresh off her Academy Award-deserving sexytime service announcement warning poor people to pause before having abortions, THE Bristol Palin will make her prime-time Hollywood debut on the new show The Secret Life of the American Teenager coming July 5th.

Oooh sounds sexy!

And what better way to celebrate America's freedom (from poor dental hygiene and terrible World Cup goalies) than with another sublime performance by legendary teenage baby mama Bristol Palin on America’s favorite and family-valuesiest teevee network, ABC Family?

Judging by the wonderful clip pre-released to the public, this one's got Emmy written all over it. I don't know if there is a time limit (like say, a one minute cut-off), but if there was ever a 38-second masterpiece, this baby is it!

Bristol: "Do you have a son or a daughter?"
Bristol look-alike: "I have a son."
Bristol: "Me too."
Look-alike: "Um, how did you know I had a baby, (nervous laughter)...and, and you have a son?"
Bristol: "We're all teen moms...and musicians!"
Look-alike: "Everyone in this program?"
Bristol: "The program is for teen moms!"
Look-alike: "So I didn't get here on my own?
Bristol: "Haha, of course you did!" "You're the world's greatest french horn player and I am Yo-Yo Ma...C'mon, we have to get going."

I know, I know, mesmerizing! You would have to be dead or a zombie (Bristol acting?) to not be positively blown away by this superb gift of acting genius that Bristol and ABC Family have so generously unleashed upon the good 'merican people!

It is so patriotic and thoughtful of Bristol to educate the whole, wide world about teenage moms who are also musicians at music camp, and all the awesome, fun stuff they do (that is, once the little rascal slipped the hell out of the ol' uterus) together like raising li'l miracles of God, all the while making beautiful music that pierces the soul!

Of course, sweet Bristol had no trouble memorizing all those difficult lines, since "I'm Yo-Yo Ma" is exactly what she tells li'l Trigger (Tripp knows who his mama is) every day, when the lamestream media's not around to blow up her spot.

Speaking of blowing, too bad Bristol had to play some weirdo Commie Red cellist Yo-Yo Ma or Blah or whatever, instead of what she really wanted to be, the world's greatest French Horn player!

She could have really used the practice. Would have saved her a heckuva lot of trouble! Like 9 whole months!

Plus another 18 years.

$arah Palin Has Had Quite Enough Of This "Boobgate" Scandal She's Always Not Talkin' 'Bout!

"Nooo, I have not had implants. I think a report like that is about as real and truthful that Todd and I are divorcing or that I bought a place in the Hamptons or that Trig is not my own child. And we still put up with that garbage, too."-- Sarah Palin

Hot stinkin' garbaaaage that Little Miss $arah simply needn't so much as mention, it's so petty and insignificant in the scheme of things!

But since you asked, Greta Van Susteren, and I love you for that, because you're not afraid to ask "the questions," and even though you think my husband is hot as hellfire, and would bang him in a heartbeat, I could never disappoint a fellow Fox News feminist just tryin' to keep the lamestream media on their toes.

So, in lieu of the usual vile, incoherent Facebook spew or 140 character Twittery cheers about how boobie talk demeans women, much like the choice to murder miracles of drunken regret God, the world famous moose hunter and Arctic swindler, $arah Louise Palin will bring the never-before-heard truth behind the week's hottest, new scandal made all cute and adorable by shoving gate at the end: the one, the only, incredible "Boobgate" saga.

VAN SUSTEREN: You know, it’s sort of interesting, Governor. I’ll take a bet with you. Maybe you won’t take this bet with me. But the last segment, we discussed policy. I asked about energy policy since energy is so important to your home state of Alaska. My guess is this next question I’m going to ask you, which is the buzz of the Internet, it’s in mainstream media — I bet it gets more attention than our discussion about energy. So here it is. Breast implants! Did you have them or not? Because that’s all over the Internet about you, and mainstream media.

PALIN: Well, first, Greta, you know why we love you? Because you’re not afraid to ask the questions. And I got to respect you for asking that question because I know that “boobgate” is all over the Internet right now because there are a lot of, I guess, bored, idle bloggers and reporters with nothing else to talk about. And I think some of those folks, too, they need to grab a shovel, go down to the gulf, volunteer to help, clean up and save a whale or something instead of reporting on such stupid things like that.

Ummm, nothing!?!? Sure, nothing except some rich dumb bitch who went and bought herself some tits.

In other words, EVERYTHING!

Or at least until you throw on a designer wetsuit, grab your special edition diamond-encrusted hockey stick,  butterfly stroke on down to the Gulf coast, and start pluckin' out oil-soaked birds and fish before tossin' the half-dead bastards in the sand and headin' back to your private, air-conditioned presidential suite, away from the gross, greasy animals and reporters, to play with Trig and take a quick power nap.

Then maybe, we can finally report on something important for a change!

$arah Palin Knows BP's Oil Spill Can Only Be Blamed On..."Extreme Greenies" & Probably Those Stupid Marine Animals Too!

$arah Palin sure get's it. But do you, America? Do you get it??

Because when patron St. $arah was leading thousands of morons chanting her favoritest slogans, "drill, baby drill" and "drill here, drill now," what she really meant was that we should in no way, shape, or form, be doing exploratory offshore drilling, baby, exploratory offshore drilling because that's dangerous, not to mention, not very kind to Mother Earth!

How could we have been so blind, baby blind??

You see, $arah knows all about the complexities, risks, and dangers of power drilling into the ocean floor, huntin' for delicious petroleum, which is why she only discusses these weighty matters using very important tween social networking sites in 140 (ghostwritten) characters or less.

That way, her wildly irresponsible, brainless calls to destroy, baby destroy! protected wilderness reserves (you betcha!) or anywhere scores of marine animals congregate or fragile ecosystems exist, are safe from misinterpretation by the dumb masses who think her catchy slogans somehow imply that we should drill the bejesus out of any and everywhere for awesome, American oil!

This is soooooo not the case! As if our sweet $arah would ever utter meaningless, nuance-free phrases that allow her to take any stance she wants, in the extremely unlikely case that one of her brilliant ideas go terribly awry and who knows, maybe even spill, baby spill! gallons of savory oil up 'n down America's coast.

Not this maverick hockey mom lipstick wearin' pig and resident expert in every subject like keepin' an unwinkin' eye on Russia from her front porch, how to lose an ecosystem in 10 days or less, and of course, how to turn a national catastrophe into a personal opportunity (cha-ching!) for her favoritest $arah!

Well, thank heavens we have someone like $arah to sift through the dead dolphins, greasy ooze, and lamestream media LIES to bring us, the unknowing public, the Palin-rific truth about drillin' for oil in a fun, convenient Facebook post she didn't even write.

From her Idiotbook Facebook:

"This is a message to extreme 'environmentalists' who hypocritically protest domestic energy production offshore and onshore. There is nothing “clean and green” about your efforts. Look, here’s the deal: when you lock up our land, you outsource jobs and opportunity away from America and into foreign countries that are making us beholden to them. Some of these countries don’t like America. Some of these countries don’t care for planet earth like we do – as evidenced by our stricter environmental standards."

"With your nonsensical efforts to lock up safer drilling areas, all you’re doing is outsourcing energy development, which makes us more controlled by foreign countries, less safe, and less prosperous on a dirtier planet. Your hypocrisy is showing. You’re not preventing environmental hazards; you’re outsourcing them and making drilling more dangerous."

"Extreme deep water drilling is not the preferred choice to meet our country’s energy needs, but your protests and lawsuits and lies about onshore and shallow water drilling have locked up safer areas. It’s catching up with you. The tragic, unprecedented deep water Gulf oil spill proves it."

"We need permission to drill in safer areas, including the uninhabited arctic land of ANWR. It takes just a tiny footprint – equivalent to the size of LA’s airport – to tap America’s rich and plentiful oil and gas up north. ANWR’s drilling footprint is like a postage stamp on a football field."

In other words, like $arah's tiny pea-sized brain in her vast, thick skull.

"Radical environmentalists: you are damaging the planet with your efforts to lock up safer drilling areas. There’s nothing clean and green about your misguided, nonsensical radicalism, and Americans are on to you as we question your true motives." - Sarah Palin

You hear that hippie-dippie environmentalists?!? Miss Alaska is on to you and your dirty tricks to keep our national resources pristine, protected, and unspoiled by man's destructive tendencies, and our precious coastlines free from the remains of unsightly oil-drenched pelicans too dumb to avoid the massive oil Tsunami when trying to get back to their wetlands nesting site to feed their babies. Lol, stupid birds!

Watch out, 'cause $arah's on to you people! She knows you tree-hugging Greenpeace 'save the whales' types are the real ones to blame for this BP oil spillageddon, along with that Hitler-in-Chief Barack NObama, and his nonsense radicalism to cover every inch of the Earth with the sweet glistening sheen of millions of gallons of crude luxurious oil!

Why else would he agree to something as retarded (sorry, special needs) as drillin', baby drillin' like little Miss Wasilla is always tweetin' and 'bookin' 'bout, if he didn't have motives beyond keeping up with America's insatiable appetite for wonderful, energy-filled, safe-as-$arah's-email-password, methods of oil extraction?

Uh-oh, that $arah's sure on to something. In fact, I think she knows too much!

Guess Obama will just have to go ahead with that secret contingency plan, ya know, the real reason he started spillin', baby spillin' in the first place: to plug the f**king leak with her instead!

Kill two thousand birds with one stone, errr, make that gem.

BP Apologizes For Failing To "Top Kill" Anything, Except Mother Earth, Of Course!

Howdy America and Happy Memorial Day to all of you, even those who aren't in the military and have done nothing to honor our soldiers except shove brats and burgers in your big. fat mouths while competing to see who can guzzle the most beers and smash the empty cans against their foreheads in the least amount of time, for freedom!

On this patriotic holiday, I hope you enjoy some fun in the sun (or rain) on your fine, federal day off from whatever menial job you normally dread every Monday-Friday, when not honoring scores of dead soldiers who died for America during any of the various invasions, battles, or star-spangled incursions to stop Hitler or avenge an attempt on Daddy's life by some desert madman named Saddam, or whatever the case may be.

Either way, enjoy the long weekend, because it may be your last now that BP oil spillageddon continues to douse marine wildlife and precious resources in layers of delicious petroleum, and flirt with the people frolicking around the coastal shores from Florida to Mississippi in the hopes of enjoying actual cool, refreshing water, not thick, slimy crude oil during their fun Memorial day at the beach.

That's right folks! Turns out BP's desperate, last-ditch effort to "plug the damn hole" via the awesomely-named "top kill" didn't in fact "kill" anything except our collective hope, and faith that BP can do anything even remotely competently except dupe the dumb public out of oceans of money, and actual non-toxic, Dihydrogen monoxide seas of life.

Tsk, tsk, silly Americans!

So, now that BP's latest, greatest "best chance" to seal the worst oil leak in U.S. history—by shoving a billion tons of filth, garbage, and basic garage sale items inside the spewing wound—has been a spectacular failure (despite it's supposed 70 percent chance of success), what terrible, new, sexily-named plan will the brilliant oil-clogged minds at BP come up with next?

“After three full days of attempting top kill, we now believe it is time to move on to the next of our options,” BP Chief Operations Officer Doug Suttles explained, admitting that they "don't know for certain why it failed," which is always very encouraging to hear!

In any case, now that the hardworking, capable minds at BP have been unable to stem the flow geyser of oil gushing from a mile beneath the Gulf of Mexico and onto America's coastal shores, using state-of-the-art techniques like shooting as many golf balls and rubber tires as humanly possible into the hole, in the hopes that the powerful combo of discarded junk and a few Hail Marys will do the trick, it is time to move on to the next comical-if-it-weren't-so-tragic "solution" to stop the oil from spillin' baby spillin'!

The new "fix" probably won't "work" either—and it might increase the bleeding crude “by as much as 20%.” But on the bright side, it may just start working in August, so good times ahead?

Or at least if you believe a hoity-toity, elitist "news"paper like the LA Times:

"BP’s plan to sever a leaking pipe as part of an effort to cap its runaway well in the Gulf of Mexico could increase flow by as much as 20%, and the oil giant has no remedy to stop up the well until August, Obama administration and company officials said Sunday. "

But hey, at least BP feels bad (sort of):

BP’s CEO said Sunday he’s sorry for the largest oil spill in U.S. history and the "massive disruption" it has caused the Gulf Coast, telling reporters the company hopes to corral most of the crude offshore.

"The first thing to say is I’m sorry," Tony Hayward said when asked what he would tell people in Louisiana, where heavy oil has already reached parts of the state’s southeastern marshes.

"We’re sorry for the massive disruption it’s caused their lives. There’s no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back."

You hear that, America?? He is incredibly sorry for all the death and destruction his wonderful company has caused, but even more for all the disruption you people have caused to his perfect, carefree life. He's a rich, global oil executive for crying out loud, not some common schlub who actually relies on the ocean for silly things like eating, drinking, and employment, instead of important BP things like padding his already flush, fattened wallet.

I mean what do you want him to do? Grab some gloves and a shovel and actually start cleaning the sh*t up himself?

Ha ha, now that's rich! Not as rich as he or any of the other caring, misunderstood BP executives responsible for devastating America's coastlines, but hey, close enough.

Hayward said the company is doing "everything we can to contain the oil offshore, but as far as I'm concerned, a cup of oil on the beach is a failure."

But an entire ocean of oil? Heckuva job, Tony!!

So, anyway, Happy Memorial Day...to the once thriving vast bodies of sustenance and life formerly known as the Ocean.

The last 3.8 billion years just wouldn't have been the same without you!

But, perhaps there's another 139 million square miles of precious, untapped open wilderness for you to destroy explore, where no one will mind a couple million barrels o' oil wreaking death and destruction every which way...

$arah Palin's backyard for instance?

When Not Crying, Glenn Beck Does Important Things Like Mocking 11-Year-Old First Daughters Named Malia

No one really expects fallen drunkard turned born again Moron Mormon rodeo clown Glenn Beck to act like anything other than a circus sideshow freak who just got his hands on the miraculous twin inventions of the chalkboard and accompanying white tube with which to write.

So it really comes as no surprise that America's chubby, blue-eyed, blond-haired angel of teary-eyed truth took his one-man monologue on the ravages mental illness to the airwaves to rant about the newest enemy of freedom, 11-year-old Malia Obama for her hilariously naive "preteen" question about BP's oil leak catastrophe, "Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?"

Hahahahahah! OMG, can you believe how stupid that Malia girl is? What is she like 11 or 12 or something? God, where did she get that education? Some terrible place like Chicago or Kenya? If only she had someone smart and intelligent, without any formal college education (elitist!) like Glenn Beck to teach her the ways of the world.

Maybe then she wouldn't be such a loser!

Good thing Glenn's own kids wouldn't say anything stupid and childish like that! Probably because they don't even know how to speak or formulate an actual question, but hey let's not rip on anyone's off-limits family because that wouldn't be very nice or sensitive. But then again, his Foxy ratings may go up, i.e. the opposite way of his IQ! You with me? Huh? I can't hear you! I said who's with me, people??

Apparently, the central tenets of Glenny's "leave the families alone" motto only applies to people Glenn Beck doesn't particularly care for, including stillborn babies and the incompetent mothers who miscarried them. Especially when the mother happens to be guilty of the terrible crime known as being married to the host of a rival morning show in the same market as a certain principled pillar of integrity, a Mr. Glenn Lee Beck.

Otherwise, like in the case of say, sexy, former half-governors named Sarah Palin, it is absolutely unacceptable to attack a person's rather large family, whether they--unwed teenage mother with newborn miracles of God (special needs and otherwise) in tow--are paraded all over town, or not.

"Leave my family, leave people's families alone...When it was Bill Clinton, you don't go after Chelsea Clinton," Beck said. "You don't talk about the Bush kids. Now, the minute they get into politics, that's a different story. You leave the families alone."

Except of course when that family happens to be of the terrible Socialist Kenyan Obama variety. Then by all means. The sky's the limit!

BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy? Daddy? Daddy, did you plug the hole yet? Daddy?
PAT GRAY (co-host): (imitating Obama) No I didn't, honey.
BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy, I know you're better than [unintelligible]
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Mm-hmm, big country.
BECK: (imitating Malia) And I was wondering if you've plugged that hole yet.
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Honey, not yet.
BECK: (imitating Malia) Why not, daddy? But daddy--
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Not time yet, honey. Hasn't done enough damage.
BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Not enough damage yet, honey.
BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Yeah?
BECK: (imitating Malia) Why do you hate black people so much?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) I'm part white, honey.
BECK: (imitating Malia) What?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) What?
BECK: (imitating Malia) What'd you say?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Excuse me?
BECK: (laughing) This is such a ridiculous -- this is such a ridiculous thing that his daughter-- (imitating Malia) Daddy?
GRAY: It's so stupid.
BECK: How old is his daughter? Like, thirteen?
GRAY: Well, one of them's, I think, thirteen, one's eleven, or something.
BECK: "Did you plug the hole yet, daddy?" Is that's their -- that's the level of their education, that they're coming to -- they're coming to daddy and saying 'Daddy, did you plug the hole yet?' " Plug the hole!
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Yes, I was doing some deep-sea diving yesterday, and--
BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I was doing--
BECK: (imitating Malia) Why--
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Yeah, honey, I'm--
BECK (imitating Malia) Why, why, why, why, do you still let the polar bears die? Daddy, why do you still let Sarah Palin destroy the environment? Why are -- Daddy, why don't you just put her in some sort of a camp?

Oh, daddy why did that awful, fat effeminate buffoon on Fox news, Glenn Beck's daddy not love him? Why did his mommy have to go kill herself and leave li'l Glenny all by his lonesome with nothing but a bottle of Jack Daniels to keep him warm 'n cuddly at night? Why does a 46-year-old "newscaster" feel the need to put Vick's Vapo Rub in his eyes to feign tears, or publicly bash a sweet, 11-year-old girl's innocent question about how to stop 50 million gallons of delicious oil from spewing into the Gulf of Mexico?

Daddy, why do brain-dead people with no tact, no sense, and no class find a way to get super rich and famous by being that one token idiot people like because it makes them feel better about their own miserable, pathetic lives.

Why can't I grow up to be a hypocritical, blathering butt of late night jokes and SNL skits who contradicts every word he utters, while selling his soul to the highest bidder? No not God, silly, Rupert Murdoch!

Why can't I hit the big time by writing nonsense words and pretend flow charts on a chalkboard so people think I know what I am talking about when I am really just drawing random squiggle lines, circles, and fun geometric shapes like swastikas!

Perhaps somewhere in his pure (albino) white soul, Glenn may have felt a tinge of remorse for "impersonating" Malia by speaking in a little baby voice (different from his regular one!), questioning her education level, and insinuating that she asks her father why he hates black people.

In fact, Glenny poo is such a sweetheart that he released a statement apologizing for his actions:

"In discussing how President Obama uses children to shield himself from criticism, I broke my own rule about leaving kids out of political debates. The children of public figures should be left on the sidelines. It was a stupid mistake and I apologize—and as a dad I should have known better."

But as a 46 year-old man-child fluke of nature/one wild night of drunken unprotected passion, I didn't.

Just like Malia should have known better than to ask her pops a vague question like "Did you plug the hole yet, daddy?"

Cause when you put it that way, it could mean well, anything really. Like say the uncontrollable poison spewing hole between Glenn Beck's nose and chin. That shit's needed to be plugged for years.

But no matter what we do, we can't seem to stop the torrent of toxic waste and slime oozing from deep within his big fat pie hole.

Hmmm, the nuclear option's starting to sound better every day!

Uh-Oh, Could The Ponzi Scheme Known As $arah Palin's Speech Scam 'cross Real America Be Finished?

Oh no-zees! All $arah Palin wanted to do was take a much-needed break from her hectic life giving slightly different versions of the same dumb campaign speech at various conventions, trade shows, and wingnut rallies for oodles of delicious cold, hard cash, and head back home to relax with the fam at her lakeside abode in the abandoned meth lab known as Wasilla.

Apparently, the overweight middle-aged white men dressed like 18th century patriots, anti-choice femiNAZIS, and human bags o' tea comprising Palin's relatively small fan base—like maybe 2 million dumb people in a nation of 300 million or so—have already spent all the money they have to spend on her idiot shenanigans and hypocritical embrace of the arugula-eating elitist celebrity lifestyle, forcing the one-woman Ponzi scheme called $arah Palin to head North for a little R&R, a few Facebook posts if we're really lucky, and who knows, maybe even brush up on her trademark nonsense-spewing ability that comes at the bargain basement rate of six (totally worth it!) figures a pop.

Like her latest total assault on the senses during a disastrous speech at a commercial real estate conference in Las Vegas. According to the Dirt Lawyer Blog:

"Speaking of disappointment, let’s talk about the keynote address from Sarah Palin. In short, it was a standard stump speech with a few superficial comments about shopping centers and retail real estate. It was awful and a borderline train wreck in my opinion. All Palin had to do was add in a paragraph about the pending disaster of carried interest and she would have not only won over the crowd but gotten significant fundraiser cash from the industry if she runs in 2012. As it stands, I do not know if she knows what carried interest is."

Ummm, does it have anything to do with carrying funds into her bank account or carrying a freshly killed carcass back from the hunt? If not, the answer is no, she does not know, care, or feign even the slightest interest, capisce?

Ugh, why does Sarah Palin hate the nation’s commercial real estate owners and developers? Does she simply hate business, capitalism, and thus, the entire United States of America?

One thing she does care about however, is that terrible creep writer Joe McGinniss who moseyed into the house next door to move closer to his favoritest subject, the famed Arctic grifter $arah Louise Palin!

Well, $arah's not about to take this hideous intruder sitting down, unless she happens to be in front of a computer with speedy Internet access and the ability to quickly get on her personal website for communicating with the adoring masses, Facebook.

"Upon my family's return this morning from endorsement rallies and speeches in the Lower 48 states, I finally got the chance to tackle my garden and lawn this evening! ... Needless to say, our outdoor adventure ended quickly after Todd went to introduce himself to the stranger who was peering in..."

What, what, what!? Levi's budding porn career is over already??

"Joe announced to Todd that he's moved in right next door to us. He's rented the place for the next five months or so. He moved up all the way from Massachusetts to live right next to us - while he writes a book about me."

Whoa, Joe Biden moved to Alaska to pen a book about the 'cuda? Does Obama know about this? Gee, I guess Barry really meant it when he said something has to be done about that guy and his big f-ing mouth.

"Yes, that Joe McGinniss..."

Oooooh, that Joe!

"Here he is about 15 feet away on the neighbor's rented deck overlooking my children's play area and my kitchen window...Maybe we'll welcome him with a homemade blueberry pie tomorrow so he'll know how friendly Alaskans are."

Especially when that friendly pie comes laced with arsenic, a handwritten note (no, not on her hand, silly!), and glass shards baked right into that sweet gooey blueberry goodness and buttery, flaky deliciousness.

"We're sure to have a doozey to look forward to with this treasure he's penning. Wonder what kind of material he'll gather while overlooking Piper's bedroom, my little garden, and the family's swimming hole?"

Ooooh, hopefully it will be even a fraction of the 432-page treasure she bestowed upon the world in the form of Goin' Rogue.

McGinniss, who is renting the place "for the next five months or so," is the famed author of "Going to Extremes," a classic book about Alaska, with his current work-in-progress returning him to the 49th state to examine Sarah Palin's significance as both a political and cultural phenomenon and as an embodiment of the contradictory forces that shaped Alaska as it moved into its second half-century of statehood."

Like a pig in lipstick? Or a maverick hockey mom who wants to drill, baby drill! for oil up 'n down the Arctic shelf to save the whales and help the environment get used to luxurious petroleum baths? That way, the fisherman and other Alaskans whose livelihoods depend on the ocean can take the Bridge to Nowhere to find new, pristine marine expanses where the seals and sea lions don't come floating upside down to the beautiful, oil glistened surface.

Although emails and phone calls were not immediately returned, a statement from McGinniss' publishing house Broadway Books (ugh, elitists!) said, "Well regarded for his in-depth, up-close reporting, Mr. McGinniss will be highly respectful of his subject's privacy as he investigates her public activities."

For her part, Palin has promised to ensure that privacy. 

"And you know what they say about 'fences make for good neighbors'? Well, we'll get started on that tall fence tomorrow."

And who better to call when you need that danged fence completed than her dear old pal, Gramps McCain?
 
But be forewarned, it might take a little jogging of the ol' memory. A couple o' winks, some dropped g's, a few mispronounced words, nonsense cliches 'bout mavericks, and strategically placed "You Betcha's!" oughtta do the trick!

But be careful, lest you wanna fool the old man into thinking it's 2008 all over again. Poor schmuck simply doesn't have any soul left to sell for round two of the never-ending nightmare known as the McCain-Palin trainwreck, err ticket.

Dude barely made it out the first time 'round.

There's Nothing Fishy 'Bout This Barracuda's Big Oil, Barack Obama Bed-Sharing Bombshell!

It's never easy to tell exactly what $arah Louise Palin is saying, what with her total narcissism, rudimentary understanding of the English language, and various side ventures trying to make even more moose piles of money for her favoritest person, $arah Louise Palin!

But apparently, America's #1 unemployed defender of the freedom to spill, baby spill! luxurious British Petroleum up 'n down America's coasts, may have hinted at a possible presidential run in 2012 to anchor Chris Wallace on her favoritest Fox News over the weekend. Err, or at least as much as can be inferred from the self-centered, incoherent ramblings of a wandering Arctic drifter whose vast policy experiences include keeping a perfectly-mascarad eye on Mother Russia from her front porch, while teaching her 25 children about the joys of skinning and gutting a freshly-killed moose, elk, or absent baby-daddy's pursuing porn careers.

"It really comes down to it's not being about me, or what I want, or what I predict is gonna happen. ... [I]f the voters of America are in the mood for a kind of unconventional, candid, honest public servant — it doesn't necessarily have to be me — but if that's what they're in the mood for, they're going to let that be known, and they're going to help really propel and push that candidate forward, and then that candidate, of course, will make the decision whether to run or not. Don't know if that's going to me, Chris. ... As I've always said, I'm not going to close any door that perhaps would be open."

Ya know, sorta like the health care that's needed to shore up the economy because it's all about job creation right? Exactly the type of coy, evasive, semi-coherent, run-on response you'd expect from the one-time runner-up Miss Alaska turned former half-term governor turned full-time facebooker turned professional money-maker, with nary a spare moment to brush up on her English speaking skills, what with her crazy, sardine-packed schedule padding her bank account serving the American people.

But even a selfless patriot like $arah knows that if she is what the American people want, then she is exactly what they will get, because in Sarah's mind(?), country always comes first. Or at least right after herself, her career, her bottom line, her perfect, off-limits family, her corporate sponsors, and even her totally justified avenging of any hapless schmuck dumb enough to cross the killer 'Cuda, at any point before, after, or during her meteoric rise to fame and fortune, courtesy of her sweet, senile Granddaddy, Johnny Mac.

Locked 'n loaded in her crosshairs is of course that terrible, arugula-eating community organizer from Kenya, Barack Hussein Obama, who smart $arah just knows is solely responsible for the delicious but devastating BP oil disaster, turning America's Southern coastlines into a kid-friendly, oil-infused bubble bath complete with rubber duckies that float right to the top!

Much like how daughter Bristol's drunk romp in the sack with Levi gave us a precious miracle of God named Tripp, Sarah is just positive that President NObama's slutty bedding of Big Oil is behind this newest precious miracle of fact-based reality versus some idiotic Alaskan woman's cute 'n catchy campaign slogans.

Well, $arah wants to know why the elitist lamestream media is letting our illegal, oil-drenched, half-black, Muslim president get away with such monumental failures of leadership, and ridiculous, short-sighted policies as "drill, baby drill!" Those are her hard-earned, nonsensical ideas, God damn it!

"If there's any connection there to President Obama taking so doggone long to get in there, to dive in there and grasp the complexity and the potential tragedy that we are seeing here in the Gulf of Mexico. Now if this was President Bush or if this were a Republican in office who hadn't received as much support even as President Obama has from BP and other oil companies, you know the mainstream media would be all over his case."

Oh hell yeah! Right on sister! Like when that swirling mass of God's wrath over homosexuality and abortions called Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans and President George W. Bush single-handedly saved the Big Easy from becoming the next Lost City of Atlantis by heading down South, and saving the whole drowning city using nothing more than a pair of fins, snorkel, jumbo-sized straw, and his unparalleled ability to suck. Or something like that.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs fired back at Palin's suggestions that Obama was somehow "in bed with big oil" because of 2008 campaign contributions, dismissing the notion as being almost as asinine as the person whose perfectly-lipsticked mouth it came out of.

"Sarah Palin was involved in that election, but I don't think, apparently, was paying a whole lot of attention," Gibbs said. "I'm almost sure that the oil companies don't consider the Obama administration a huge ally. We proposed a windfall profits tax when they jacked their oil prices up to charge for gasoline."

"My suggestion to Sarah Palin would be to get slightly more informed as to what's going on in and around oil drilling in this country."

Eh, not sure that would jibe with her awesome, new plan to leave the precious ocean floor alone to avoid spillin', baby spillin', and instead start drillin', baby drillin' straight into the plentiful, massive, living, mobile oil storage units God blessed us with on his fifth day of Creation.

Why else would He fill the seas with all those dumb, blubber-filled whales?

For Moby-Dick?? Hahahahaha, more like so Moby-Ditz can keep her maverick lips lookin' their glossy, shiny, wet 'n wild, water-resistant, Beluga best, in any environment...man-made disasters, included!

You betcha!

Class Dismissed! Alabama Shows America How It Rolls: Square Wheels + Right-Wing Angles = Lowest Common Denominator

Ah yes, Alabama, the Crimson-tinted land of enlightenment and progress. One of the last remaining beacons  of light and hope in the dismal failure known as the post-antebellum "United States Experiment." But producing cotton, resisting integration and assassinating civil rights leaders isn't the only thing the Heart of Dixie brings to the table. No sir-ee!

When it comes to education, Alabama is naturally at the top of the class, with the brightest of minds headin' south of the Mason-Dixon line to teach all about how man descended from Adam before generously donating part of his rib to create that other highly emotional, lesser intelligent, inferior species called women, in case he got hungry or his cave needed a good spring cleaning or just some tidying up. You can never be too prepared!

But that's not all! The fine educators down in 'Bama also know a thing or two about mathematics, the origins of which has nothing to do with the terrible Arabs of course, because such uncivilized (non-white) people know nothing of numbers or equations, only terrorism, subverting women, and threatening Comedy Central cartoonists for drawing an animated version of Muhammad, the single worst offense in the entire history of mankind.

Almost as bad as like 10,000 Holocausts, at least!

Which is why it comes as no real surprise that one of Alabama's very own esteemed educators decided what better way to teach the kiddies about angles, lines and other boring geometric concepts than by using a hypothetical assassination of President Barack Obama?

Much like most mathematical concepts involving random letters and numbers divided by square roots and multiplied by negative integers, this too makes perfect sense!

The Secret Service investigated a teacher in Jefferson County, Alabama after he "he picked the wrong example" and used a hypothetical assassination of President Obama to teach angles to his geometry students, the Birmingham News reports:

The teacher was apparently teaching his geometry students about parallel lines and angles, officials said. He used the example of where to stand and aim if shooting Obama.



“He was talking about angles and said, ‘If you’re in this building, you would need to take this angle to shoot the president,’ ” said Joseph Brown, a senior in the geometry class.



The Secret Service questioned the math teacher, but decided not to arrest him or charge him with a crime.

Instead, Superintendent Phil Hammonds called the incident “extremely poor judgment” and “a poor choice of words,” but said he has no plans to fire the teacher. “We are going to have a long conversation with him about what’s appropriate,” Hammonds said.

Yes, a sternly worded conversation should just about do it. After all, no harm, no foul, right??

"We did not find a credible threat," said Roy Sex­ton, special agent in charge of Birmingham's Secret Service office. "As far as the Secret Service is concerned, we looked into it, we talked to the gentleman and we have closed our investigation."

It's about time, too! I mean it did already happen like almost an entire day ago, for cryin' out loud!

It's not like the man was encouraging his students to kill HUSSEIN OBAMA using parallel lines and cotangents, or anything even remotely like that. C'mon, that would be insane!

No, no, he was simply showing his class the fun, patriotic things you can do with shapes and angles, like shoot illegal Muslim terrorist presidents from Kenya in the head, and save America from black socialist Hitlers hellbent on providing everyone (even the gross poors) with affordable health care.

Kinda like how slavery wasn't the forced servitude of an entire people, but simply an outreach program by rich white Southern planters to help poor Africans come to America to learn better farming methods, not to mention the very generous, all-expense paid transatlantic voyage complete with shackles and chains (at no extra cost!).

Superintendent Hammonds said he will investigate the matter further, and will talk to students and teachers before recommending to the board what to do with the teacher.

Promote him??

"As a district, we are embarrassed by his actions and what he said," Hammonds said. "There is nothing that can be said to rationalize what was said. We take this very seriously. There is no place in our society for a person to make these comments."

Except when you're the distinguished teacher of high school students in Alabama. Then, by all means! After all, this is America, the land of freedom and fried meats on sticks!

Unless of course, parents start calling in wanting to know why little Johnny was suspended for pretending his fingers were a loaded gun, while geometry teacher Gregory Harrison can turn a lesson about the difference between perpendicular and parallel lines into a quick how-to guide to assassinating half-black presidents, without nary a consequence.

Because, then you might be forced to actually do something to appease all those hippie-dippie parents demanding to know why the district didn't feel it necessary to actually do anything, such as FIRE, the obtuse Jihadist geometry teacher with the irregularly shaped brain teaching their kids.

Guess in 'Bama, that's just how the Tide rolls?

Good thing the new zero-tolerance policy is being enforced by someone, even if that someone happens to be a white-power supremacist moonlighting as a geometry teacher passionate about right angles, radii, and circumference (other than what evil, Christ-killing Jews do to their newborn sons' wee-wees, of course!).

But on the bright side, who knew they even still taught geometry in Alabama!?! I figured that was as irrelevant as evolution, the whole civil war/slavery thing, scientific explanations for natural phenomena (you mean rain isn't just God crying?), and anything else $arah Palin doesn't explicitly approve of, condoms and fact-based, chapter books she didn't pretend to write, included!

$arah Palin's Bringin' Sexy Back To Women By Takin' Sexytime Rights Away From 'Em!

Fearless defender of a pure white America free from gross brown people, and a woman's right to cede control of her own reproductive organs to the evil, federal government, $arah Palin is on a one-woman mission from God.

A divinely-inspired mission which includes a variety of personal incentives for the 'Cuda, like seven-figure paydays, several doctored interviews on the teevee, some awesome ghostwritten speeches from her hand, and of course, many ruined lives and slaughtered carcasses along the way.

Hooray!!

Most recently, $arah's brilliant quest to restore greatness to once-proud America came in the form of defending Aryanzona's awesome new law making it illegal to be a person of suspicious color (brown) while residing in their parched, cacti-dotted desert paradise, unless the chocolatey hue happens to be a temporary side-effect from your two-week vacation somewhere warm 'n exotic, so long as it isn't disgusting Mexico.

Same goes for those hoity-toity, college educated, arugula-eating liberal elitists who suddenly decided to boycott Arizona all because of one little Nazi law that doesn't hurt anybody (or at least not anybody important and white).

"It's time for Americans across this great country to stand up and say, 'We're all Arizonans now,'" Palin said. "And in clear unison we say, 'Mr. President: Do your job. Secure our border.'"

Hear that NObama?

Either you build a 5,000 mile long magical fence that instantly solves all our problems (using no federal funds, of course) or shut your stinkin' trap about "civil rights," "discrimination," and/or the supposed danger of using fear and misinformation to create unconstitutional (White Power?) laws targeting those whose dark hues do not come from fun-and-sun-filled vacays at Club Med.

"Our purpose today is to help the rest of the nation understand the crisis which confronts our state," Jan Brewer said, citing the presence of human and drug smugglers, not to mention those two dingbats running for Senate, crazy old man McCain and that nutjob JD Hayworth ridin' his tail.

The tough immigration law takes effect July 29 and requires police enforcing another law to ask a person about his or her immigration status if there's "reasonable suspicion" that the person is in the country illegally (aka are they wearing a sombrero, maids outfit, holding a leafblower, and/or driving a landscaper truck blasting La Bamba and packed to the gills with darkies?). Naturally, being in the country illegally would become a state crime.

"I think for most American people the reaction to this would be, 'Why haven't the police already been doing that?'" Palin said.

Like, duh!

I mean is it really that hard? Just round up all the browns using the scent of tacos or re-fried beans, a trail of soccer balls, and voila! It's adiós America and ¡Hola! Mexicanland, or wherever it is that human jumping border beans come from.

Both Brewer and Palin refused to say whether they'd support a guest worker program that would allow unskilled workers to temporarily work legally in the United States.

Likely because neither knows what the hell that means but then again, being ignorant and clueless has never really stopped 'em before. They have, however, heard the word unskilled several times. Can't really put their finger on why or where exactly, though...

While President Obama and numerous city, state and foreign governments have condemned Arizona's new SS law, which critics say will lead to racial profiling of Hispanics, Gov. Brewer reiterated her assertion that profiling is illegal and will not be tolerated, despite the entire law being based on this very practice!

"The president apparently considers it a wonderful opportunity to divide people along racial lines for his personal political convenience," Brewer said, apparently confusing herself with a certain current President of the United States. An honest mistake anyone could make!

Arizona Democratic Party spokeswoman Jennifer Johnson said Brewer's the one who has divided people, which she's done by signing controversial bills, and "puts her political survival first every single day."

"Every word she said today was crafted with her Republican primary in mind," Johnson said. "Arizona is just an afterthought."

Kinda like a certain precious miracle of God that rhymes with pig but shall otherwise remain nameless.

Citing her own experiences, Sarah admitted that she understood how some women might consider abortion, like when "for a fleeting moment" she considered having an abortion when she learned of her son Trig's prognosis.

Well thankfully our li'l ice princess soon realized the truth: that abortion is morally wrong and women should carry a fetus to term, no ifs, ands, or buts about it!

"It may not be the easiest path, but it's always the right path," she said.

ALWAYS! FOR EVERYONE! EVERY TIME! WITHOUT EXCEPTION, NO MATTER WHAT!

She did it, now the rest of you are also going to have your babies, whether you like it or not, got it gals?

Ever hear of a little thing called grrrrrl power?

But you betcha keeping gross illegals out of the U.S.of A, and surprise fetuses in the womb, isn't the only issue on $arah's rather large, meat-filled, buffet style plate.

Miss Alaska is also taking her bad, leather jacket sportin' self on the road, across real (rural) America to help elect real, conservative women who know how to field dress a moose (and deadbeat ex-boyfriends of slutty daughters), and restore intelligent, sound policy ideas like drill, baby drill! and live, fetus live! back to elitist ol' Washington, DC.

Palin challenged Republican women, or "mama grizzlies" as she calls 'em to help the GOP "take this country back" by electing lawmakers who want to turn the clock back on rights for anyone who is not a white, male landowner.

"You don't want to mess with moms who are rising up," Palin said. "If you thought pit bulls were tough, you don't want to mess with mama grizzlies."

You betcha, they'll rip your freakin' head clean off your neck! And then toss the delicious remains on the barbie 'cause why else would God make meat?

$arah then read a few more lies from her hand about Obama's health care plan to murder Grandma and special needs babies across America, and had a few choice words for the evil lamestream media for destroying her perfect daughter Bristol's pristine reputation as the knocked-up high school daughter of pure Alaskan royalty.

"Choosing life was the right road, the right choice. ... It hasn't been easy and society, culture sure hasn't been easy on her," Palin said. "Wow, our culture and our media has made it rough on her."

What with all the money and publicity and perks and privileges they so rudely thrust on her, forcing her to be all rich and famous and make videos urging people to pause before having sex and getting an abortion, if their families aren't rich and famous like hers, but instead gross and poor like lots o' other families.

She said some young women would see what happened to Bristol and perhaps be encouraged to seek an abortion instead of facing similar criticism for being a dumb whore who can't keep her hooha zipped up long enough to graduate high school without having to eat for two.

Casting herself as a victim of a liberal media and elite academics, poor, misunderstood $arah said, "Some of them refused to admit I'm even a woman."

Ya know, cause women are usually sweet 'n nice, and don't try to destroy other women who actually use their brains, or don't take advantage of the fact that they too have fertile wombs, ample lactating breasts, and other fun baby makin' parts! 

Perhaps if she put on some lipstick and an apron, we wouldn't be so confused. Or actually helped women do anything other than keep unwanted buns in their ovens, or appear as targets in her election crosshairs to be unseated by real, Republican women who aren't afraid of getting their hands dirty (with oil, baby oil!) or donning a white hood and robe from time to time when shoving more than a few Democratic women out of the way.

America's newest FemiNAZI Sarah Palin knows all about the "new feminist movement" with an “emerging conservative feminist identity” of being both hateful and mindblowingly stupid while collectin' moose piles o' money from the good, God-fearin' folks in small, rural communities throughout the Lower 48.

"I kinda feel a connection to that tough, gun totin’ pioneer feminism," $arah said.

"For far too long, when people heard the word feminist, they thought of the faculty lounge at some East Coast woman’s college," she said.

Which everyone knows is really just code for big ol' man-hating dykes. 

“And no offense to them, they have their opinions and their voice and God bless ‘em, that’s great, but that’s not the only voice of women in America.”

There's the shrill, ignorant, semi-educated voices too! What about them, huh?

Of course, some of the pioneering feminists in Democratic politics (ahem, Lesbos) aren't as enamored of sweet Sarah or her unique brand of fosterin' women's rights by slowly dissolving them for personal political gain. Not to mention monetary!

“She tries to have it both ways,” said former Rep. Patricia Schroeder (D-Colo.), who made a brief run for president in 1987. “If you remember when she first got the vice president nomination she talked about reaching out to Geraldine Ferraro, trying to tie herself into that legacy. Now she’s going to go get blood on her teeth, go out there and growl at them.”

What else would you expect mama grizzlies to do? Rub and cuddle and sing soft lullabies?

“Those women have been out there making the hard decisions for the country and she decided to bail rather than make those hard decisions,” she added, referring to Palin’s decision to resign as governor of Alaska before the end of her term.

Well, excuuuuuuse her for having a Facebook page to run! Ugh, silly women and their jealousy!

Another Democratic trailblazer, former Rep. Elizabeth Holtzman (D-N.Y.), who is currently running for state attorney general in New York, says Palin’s targeting of other women is particularly egregious because of how she landed on the national stage.

“She was elected, she was promoted, she was given the opportunity to run for vice president because she was a woman. Somewhere inside, there should be something that says, ‘don’t kick them in the teeth, don’t look down on other women,’” said Holtzman.

Unless that something happens to be a li'l bundle of joy, I'm afraid Miss Palin lacks that particular quality known as empathy of which you speak.
 
“It certainly doesn’t help the cause of trying to get more women in Congress now, because I think as a whole I think we do a good job of working together, the women members,” Rep. Betsy Markey (D-Colo.) told POLITICO.

“What Sarah Palin is doing simply doesn’t promote the idea that as women we all work together, whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican.”

Unless you mean working together to deny people rights. Because no one cooperates quite like sweet $arah when it comes to dividing people or duping the public into one big, Get $arah Rich Quick scheme.

According to Marjorie Dannenfelser, president of the Susan B. Anthony List, a group dedicated to electing women who oppose abortion rights, "The fact that women feel a little bit more likely now to be able to look feminine...is a great thing, because it means that at least we’re not trying to be the same people anymore. We know that we’re different, we know that we’re equal."

'Cept when it comes to the color of our skin (brown ladies scram!), having control over our own bodies (father knows best!), or in the wonderwoman from Wasilla's case, an IQ functioning above the level of a wanderin', five-colleges-in-five-years drifter with no skills to speak of other than squeezing out almost as much cold, hard cash from the American people as warm, soft miracles from her still-smokin' hot bod.

Welcome to the new Feminist Mystique, Mama Grizzly style!

$arah Palin's Newest Much-Anticipated Tribute To Hooked-On-Phonics Hits Shelves In November

So little time, so much money to be made! Whatever is a gal to do?

Well, if that gal happens to be a certain Arctic princess and Alaskan cash cow by the name of $arah Palin, then you betcha she'll be moo, baby mooing all the way to the friggin' bank!

Because the woman can literally do anything. And by "do anything," I naturally mean read aloud the very difficult, one-to-syllable words she scribbled on her hand to some medium-smart college kids in California for like some ungodly sum of money, not to mention first-class travel accommodations and all the bells 'n whistles that come with being a true American hero. And budding literary legend.

Wink, wink.

All our li'l snowflake has to do is find another amazing, likewise talented maverick, whose vocabulary contains enough words to pen an actual book (like maybe the same literary wizard behind Going Rogue) and voila!

$arah makes even more moose piles of money, and the rest of us poor schmucks get America By Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag, likely the best, most important book of the year, decade, century, EVER, judging by that last Palin-Vincent magnum opus.

And this time, the second instant classic from $arah's famed, ghostwritten collection is not even about her favoritest subject (herself, duh!). Which is a shame really because much like her unparalleled literary prowess, $arah Palin is the single most interesting, amazing, patriotic human to ever grace the face of the Earth.

And like Jesus before her and maybe also Glenn Beck, $arah is here to deliver the truth to the good people of America who don't live in any of the 50 biggest cities (or their metropolitan areas, or anywhere near elitist things like libraries and coffee shops) about some good, old fashioned 'merican values, Barracuda style.

Sarah Palin's tribute to American values will include "selections from classic and contemporary readings that have moved her," according to HarperCollins, along with "the nation's founding documents to great speeches, sermons, letters, literature and poetry, biography, and even some of her favorite songs and movies."

Like the Deer Hunter and American Pie 2!

The book is inspired not only by her "strong belief in the importance of family, faith, and patriotism," but by some of the people she met last year while promoting "Going Rogue." Palin skipped major cities such as Seattle and Los Angeles, traditional stops on most author tours, and instead focused on smaller communities more receptive to her conservative message.

Population 300 or less? Ya know, more of the 24hr nudie-bar, gun shops, billboards about gays and hell, and Obamar is Muslin crowd!

"The book will also include portraits of some of the extraordinary men and women she admires and who embody her deep love of country, her strong rootedness in faith, and her profound love and appreciation of family," the statement from HarperCollins reads.

Ooooh goody! Does that include surprise miracle of God's that come from unwed teenage daughters having drunken one night stands in the back of hubby Todd's pickup truck?

While the e-book for Going Rogue came out several weeks after the hardcover, this time, the digital edition for "America By Heart" will be available at the same time. Yay?

Because, either way, you betcha $arah's gonna get real paid!

And if you even so much as think about illegally downloadin', copying, or whatever you crazy kids do on that devil machine with the series of tubes, think again! $arah will find some way to charge you, be it $25.99 for the hard cover, $12.99-$14.99 for the e-book, or on five felony counts of fraud and identity theft in a court of law. For freedom!

And no matter what happens, the important thing is $arah still gets fabulously rich, America gets a second helping of Wasilla's semi-literate answer to Mother Theresa (Medusa?) in the form of a children's book about flags, evil 22-year-old cyber criminals who illegally download e-books or guess idiot passwords former half-term governors use for their super-secret official state emails get to rot in a jail cell for oh, fifty or so years, and justice is once again served!

Sunny side-up (colors separate!), oil-saturated, with a moderate-to-heavy risk of Salmonella poisoning.

$arah Palin Knows, Yes We Can, Spill Baby Spill!

National oil whore $arah Palin knows a thing or two about spillin' baby spillin' barrels of delicious petroleum up 'n down America's southern coast, because one time back in 1989, when Exxon Valdez was drillin' baby drillin' all over Prince William Sound, the exact same thing happened to her wonderful Alaska, for Pete's sake!

And like all this fish and other awesome Alaskan treasures got covered in layers of luxurious oil, and it was like a big, warm slippery bath, except everything came out dead, not clean, in the end.

So, like oops!

But Sarah totally knows how y'all feel, what with your once-thriving beaches and lush deltas being devastated by thick, toxic ooze, which in the dense, marshy wetlands of Louisiana and Florida, is like a zillion times worse than when these "things" happen off the frozen, jagged coast of Antarctica Alaska or whatever. And even then, everything is still screwed up for at least a generation!

Err, if you believe the elitist mainstream media that is, who sweet $arah knows are probably lying anyway:

The cord-grass marshes of south Louisiana are nurseries for baby shrimp, stalking grounds for blue crabs, and barriers that slow down waves before they bite off more of the mainland. On Friday, they were becoming defenseless sponges for sticky, dark oil. Scientists said the enormous slick had the potential to bring environmental ruin to this treasured coastline.

The oil is spilling out of the seafloor at 5,000 barrels a day -- the equivalent of 210,000 gallons -- maybe much more, from a well about 50 miles out in the Gulf of Mexico, and it could soon eclipse the volume of the infamous Exxon Valdez spill in 1989. That disaster spilled oil onto rocky Alaskan beaches, but it is at least possible to wash oil off a rock. In the Gulf, the oil is floating into wetlands that could hold on to its toxins for years.

One environmentalist said the scenario created "a potential mega-disaster."

"The magnitude and the potential for ecological damage is probably more great than anything we've ever seen in the Gulf of Mexico," said Nancy Rabalais, a scientist who heads the Louisiana Universities Marine Consortium, a research center in Cocodrie, La. "Once it hits the shoreline, it'll get into everything."

It's wacky I know!

If she wasn't so busy TweetBookin' 'bout why America needs to drill here, drill now! she might even head down to the nice folk there, staring out at the massive, drifting fire ball now the size of New Hampshire to help out.

Because legend has it that when Sarah was just wee, wide-eyed, newly-eloped Wasilla gal, and that whole Exxon Valdez thing happened, the Barracuda headed down with a hockey stick and bag o' cotton balls and cleaned the whole mess up herself, using the same hand she now writes notes on for her world-famous speeches.

"There's a lot at risk here," said Jane Lubchenco, who heads the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. She noted that 40 percent of the coastal wetlands in the continental United States are in Louisiana. "Ninety-seven percent of commercial fish and shellfish in the Gulf depend on estuaries and wetlands during their life cycle," she said.

"I'm going to be honest with you, it's got a lot of people very fearful," said Avery Bates of the Organized Seafood Association of Alabama in Bayou la Batre. He said the slick was expected to hit their stretch of coastline Sunday.

"Petroleum and seafood," Bates said, "do not go together."

Much like oil company wind-up dolls advocatin' reckless, dangerous policies they do not understand on social networking sites, in 140 characters or less.

But one thing Miss runner-up Alaska does know for sure, besides Jesus loves America bestest, is that "all industry efforts must be employed," even if she isn't.

Employed that is.

And sorry, makin' stuff up as the newest flake on Faux News doesn't count as an actual job.

Hurricane $arah Storms Through Oregon, Destroying All Intelligent Life In Its Wake

Category 5 Hurricane $arah Louise made landfall in wacky tobacky smokin' Eugene, Oregon for a li'l one-on-one session with "everyday, hard-working Americans," who make the great Beaver State the red hot, gun crackin', gay bashing, immigrant hatin', bastion of the hard Right we know and love today. Or at least in $arah Palin's demented mind, that is.

Either way, the Barracuda knows there's no better way to soften a skeptical, left-leaning crowd then with a few, well-placed jokes (written by someone with actual talent) about dumb liberals and their dumb policies always trying to help the poors improve their lives. Haha suckers!

And boy was Miss Alaska on a roll!

Stormin' into Oregon to speak at the Lane County Republican’s Lincoln Dinner, $arah Palin Inc. (all $12 million worth), rolled out the usual pleas for electing more "small government" (chicken bartering?), "free market" candidates who will help get this country back on the white, err, right track by drilling for oil in wildlife preserves and sendin' those stinkin' Mexicans back to Mexicanland, or wherever it is they came from.

"It's the belief that the government who governs least governs best," she said, with nary a glance at the inside of her palm as reminder.

Of course, before diving into her substantive speech of truncated action verbs, cheesy, patriotic campaign slogans, and semi-coherent cliches, $arah felt compelled to address the hilarious notion of such a noted(?) rightwing crank speaking in arugula-eating, animal protectin', baby-abortin', liberal-leanin' Eugene.

Like how she did a Google search (the Internet is not just for liberals anymore, my friends!) before her trip, and found an article that described the town as "hippie" and "granola," and in love with its organic food. Ugh, perverts! Guess this is what happens when you let gays get married.

"I eat granola," Palin said. "I just happen to shoot and catch my organic food before I eat it."

Oh, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Then I hang it on my wall and call it furniture, wink wink!

"Here I am in Track Town USA and my kid's name is Track. How Eugene hippie can that be?" she joked.

Oh, $arah you're right. You're a total hippie! The kind that loves all things natural and pure (like herself and tasty meaty things to shoot 'n skin), enjoys ca$hing in on other people's misfortune, and is very Jesus-like especially when protectin' other women's fetuses, and prosecuting college kids for correctly guessing the asinine password some dumb, lipstick wearing maverick chose for the very important, secure Yahoo! email she uses for conducting official Alaska state business.

But the funniest bits weren't these knee-slapping opening zingers or any of the hilarious jokes she didn't write, but rather the rest of her 40-minute war on intelligence and massacring of the English language.

"Only a limited government can provide the best path," she said, portraying her majestic self as a populist (like most popular right?) Washington outsider and vigilant government watchdog. Err, more like Arctic wolf?

"Trying to keep up with what they’re up to and to keep them and the press accountable has really become a full-time job," she said.

And everyone knows $arah doesn't really do the whole "full-time job" thing, unless it comes with a few mil upfront and/or involves ranting on her favoritest Facebook.

"We have to make sure this 'Obamacare' is short-lived," she said. "It felt so forced upon us. It was so forced upon us."

Kinda like some lipstick wearing maverick pig hockey mom forced upon the unsuspecting public by a desperate, old man in the final throes of a losing battle against Barack Obama and creeping dementia.

"Production of our resources means security for Americans and jobs for American workers," she said.

Someone needs to clean up the oil spills, no? Unless we want the gross Mexicans to do it, which I don't think would be very American of us, now would it?

Much like her expertise on all security matters, including nuclear proliferation (those puffy round pastries are soooo yummy!), $arah fancies herself quite the li'l environmentalist, arguing that America needs to drill, baby drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge because our country already has more stringent environmental restrictions than many of the foreign, third-world nations we currently rely on for oil. No fair-zees!

"So environmentalists are kind of hypocritical on this one," she said. "I don't know how environmentalists can sleep at night."

Perhaps the field of poppies helps?

Of course, no $arah Palin appearance would be complete taking aim at the "lamestream" media locked in her crosshairs (metaphorically speaking of course), who are clearly conspiring with the political left to discredit sweet $arah and bring down her loyal Benjamin Franklin dressed followers carrying swastikas and Hitler signs and wearing teabags (not flowers) in their hair.

"Sometimes they are kind of one in the same," she said. "We call them the 'lame-stream' media lately."

The royal we of me and my blue-eyed angel Glenny, that is, who know the terrible mainstream media's always makin' stuff up about the beautiful human bags of tea always protestin' and fussin' for the freedom to have a white president again.

"The left, well, they had to grab hold of something to discredit," she said. "The press then just started making things up. I've had to deal with that for quite some time now."

Yes, life can be so hard when the media keeps makin' you a star, and you keep rakin' in millions of dollars doin' nothing 'cept maybe give a "speech" off your hand in fake America every so often.

Naturally, the evil, elitist media was subject to strict guidelines from the Palin camp, lest any free-wheelin' journylist tried to give the Ice Empress any trouble with fancy liberal questions like "What newspapers do you read?" (Ha, not this time my friends!)

Per usual, no cameras or recording devices of any kind were allowed and reporters were only allowed to watch the speech on a video feed in an adjacent room. Speech organizers provided one photo of the event taken by a hired photographer. And as with an $arah event, audience members were pre-selected and all questions pre-screened, just in case any rogues showed up.

Like the two dozen or so protesters gathered outside the Eugene Hilton, who $arah addressed by saying it was nice to see she had "greeters" outside.

She also said her daughter, Bristol, perhaps being a little too naïve, went down and chatted with them before sending mama bear a cell phone picture of them on the sidewalk.

Whoa, whoa, Bristol, naive??? C'mon! I simply cannot believe such an outrageous lie! Sounds like a stunt MSNBC might pull. You're better than that Sar!

Then, Eugene City Councilwoman Jennifer Solomon read a pre-screened (is there any other kind?) question from the audience about her role at Fox News.

Palin said she was proud to be a part of Fox News for being "fair and balanced," (in her unfair, imbalanced mind) and praised Fox host Glenn Beck, saying with "his chalkboard technique he’s changing our country."

One Vick's Vapo Rub-induced tear at a time.

Maybe one day (when Jesus returns?), the whole country will have the distinct privilege of listening to a home-schooled man (use a public-school instrument) to teach all about how the evil Greenpeace hippie Left is destroying Neo-Nazis and other "progressive Right" groups so vital to our nation's future success.

Guess it's no surprise that after attending five colleges (yes, she took the wandering drifter approach to higher education), Miss Wasilla Wonder developed a fondness for the chalk board technique.

Anything to distract from whatever the hell kind of ozone-destroying, soul-crushing toxic waste is spewing from her mouth, shaded perfectly with her new lipstick tested exclusively on endangered animals.

Special needs Albino foxes, not included.