Two Bombs Don't Make A Right: The Only Similarity Between Newt Gingrich's Campaign & Pearl Harbor Is The Pricey New Tiffany Pearls Draped Around Callista's Neck

In what likely shattered dreams of a Merry Christmas for countless Americans from sea to shining sea, the Republican Party of Virginia announced that Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich was offically disqualified from the Virginia primary ballot because he was having too much fun running for president of dumb, meaningless teevee debates to be bothered to run for actual president of the United States and submit the 10,000 signatures that the state requires to qualify.

Umm, ooopsies?

Now, most people would probably attribute such a massive misstep to the obvious managerial ineptitude and organizational failure, but then again most people are not Newt Gingrich, and don't have a delusional sense of self-worth nor an ego the size of their own impossibly thick, dense head.

No, no, the much more likely explanation is that Virginia, like Japan before it, had decided to pull a Pearl Harbor on Newt by kamikaze bombing his campaign not letting him on the ballot for fascism for not following the rules like every other semi-competent candidate.

Newtclear Meltdown In Virginia: A Gaffe That Will Live In Infamy!

From The Hill:

“Newt and I agreed that the analogy is December 1941,” campaign director Michael Krull wrote on the Gingrich Facebook page. “We have experienced an unexpected set-back, but we will re-group and re-focus with increased determination, commitment and positive action. Throughout the next months there will be ups and downs; there will be successes and failures; there will be easy victories and difficult days – but in the end we will stand victorious.”

If you mean victorious in presiding over, quite possibly, the most bumbling, asinine, idiotic, disastrous presidential campaign in recent memory, then congratulations, Newt, you win!

You always did have a knock for bombing!

But don't feel too bad, Newty! Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Rick Santorum all also proved too inept to hand in enough signatures on time, so you're not the only one prohibited from gracing Virginia's pristine ballot boxes.

After all, Virginia is for lovers, not fatass, adulterous losers.

An honest mistake. Unlike Newt! Errr, at least the honest part.

[image via WeaselZippers]

Forget "Small, Insignificant States" Like Uzbekistan, What America Really Needs Is A Small, Insignificant Statesman Like Herman Cain

Delusional pizza merchant and self-proclaimed delicious black walnut (he certainly is nutty!) Herman Cain, will not rest until every last second of his desperate, quickly expiring 15 minutes of fame (aka GOP presidential relevancy) is utterly and completely exhausted.

Which is why the rest of us are forced to endure Herman's non-stop, whirlwind media tour, letting the whole world know why being a gross gay is probably as much a choice as what unidentified, processed meat topping to slather atop your delicious 16 inch Godfather's pie, and why our nation's leader shouldn't know the first thing about, let alone correctly pronounce the name of one of those dumb, unimportant "other countries on Earth" nobody cares about, like the fictional land of magic elves, wizards, and military supply routes into Afghanistan, formerly called "Uzbekistan."

"I’m ready for the ‘gotcha’ questions and they’re already starting to come," Herman Cain said. "And when they ask me who is the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan I’m going to say you know, I don’t know. Do you know?"

Awww, snap! Dude must have gone to the Sarah Palin School of Gotcha Questions™ where they teach presidential hopefuls the proper way to prepare for a basic foreign policy "gotcha" question on a country with the largest military force in Central Asia that the United States would like to use as a strategic ally, by mocking it with a series of nonsense syllables because who needs real words to describe weird, foreigny places not named the United States of AmeriCAIN baby!? Woot, woot! Amiright?

Besides, I don't see Youbetikissedstan or whatever creating any jobs, do you?

"And then I’m going to say how’s that going to create one job? I want to focus on the top priorities of this country. That’s what leaders do. They make sure that the nation is focused on the critical issues with critical solutions. Knowing who is the head of some of these small insignificant states around the world I don’t think that is something that is critical to focusing on national security and getting this economy going. When I get ready to go visit that country I’ll know who it is but until then I want to focus on the big issues that we need to solve.”

Hells yeah! You tell 'em Herman! If they are "small, insignificant states," it's their own damn fault! C'mon, knowledge is for pussies and elitists, not proud Republican presidents of marginal pizza chains.

Besides, he'll Wikipedia that shit when (and only when!) he actually goes to that miserable beki beki hellhole, like the tourists, and leaders of the free toppings world do.

It's called diplomacy, Black Walnuts style, bitches!

The Most Nerve-Wracking Moment of George W. Bush’s Presidency Was Throwing A Baseball; Throwing Two Wars & An Economy In The Gutter Is Child's Play

How's That For A Strike?

Human caricature and accidental cowboy president George W. Bush sure had a lot of "nerve-wracking" moments during his 8-year reign showering peace and prosperity smart bombs and death onto the land with his signature combination of utter recklessness and absolute idiocy.

And with the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history, two endless, bloody wars, Hurricane Katrina's drowning of New Orleans, unprecedented trampling of civil liberties, including initiating the most wide-ranging extrajudicial surveillance of American citizens in a generation, authorizing widespread abuses of detainees at Gitmo and various other secret terrorist prisons around the world, all after achieving the narrowest (and most disputed!) presidential victory in history, you'd think he'd have plenty of ripe, juicy memories to choose from!

You'd be wrong. Haha, silly fools! Because, as it turns out, "the most nervous moment" of his presidency—check that, of his entire life—was throwing out the ceremonial first pitch at the 2001 World Series.

From his lips to your ears!

According to his interview with the producers of HBO's documentary Beyond 9/11: Portraits of Resilience, George W. Bush's most heart-pounding, sweat inducing feeling came during that seminal moment the world will never remember forget, Game One of the 2001 Yankees-Diamondbacks world series. That's right, the freakin' Diamondbacks!

The adrenaline was coursing through my veins, and the ball felt like a shotput. And Todd Greene, the catcher, looked really small. Sixty feet and six inches seemed like a half-mile. And anyway, I took a deep breath and threw it, and thankfully it went over the plate. The response was overwhelming. It was the most nervous I had ever been. It was the most nervous moment of my entire presidency, it turns out.

Oh, hahaha, so that's how it turned out!! I always thought it turned out with thousands of Americans dead, even more thousands of Muslim civilians bombed, America's 31st biggest city (but #1 biggest party city!) transformed into a new, modern-day Atlantis, and trillions & trillions of dollars in unpaid war debt!

On the bright side, at least Kanye didn't call him a racist who doesn't care about black people, because that would have been really tragic. Almost as tragic as caring about them enough to actually do anything to, oh, I don't know, maybe help them during one of the worst natural disasters in American history.

Just a thought.

Seriously, that was some fucking pitch, though.

Now, if we could only have figured out a way to strike out the most nerve-wracking moment of his Presidency for the rest of us. I believe it was called the 2000s.

Eric Cantor: Putting The Can't In Helping Tornado Victims Or Anyone Not Named Eric Cantor

House majority leader and sniveling greed monster Eric Cantor (Republican-Hell) never met a natural disaster victim he didn't feel complete indifference towards or emergency relief budget he didn't want to slash into tiny bits and pieces, sort of like the town of Joplin, Missouri where raging tornadoes and violent storms killed at least 122 people, reduced buildings to dust and decimated much of the city. Just like God intended!

Good thing young gun Eric Cantor knows the government can't just go around helping desperate, suffering people every time some crazy F-5 tornado strikes some small town or another in the middle of the country, killing scores of men, women, and children, and will do all he can to stop police, firefighters, and emergency medical workers from pulling victims out from under rubble because saving lives costs money. Precious money that Uncle Sam simply does NOT have, probably because it's already all gone to oil subsidies and paying Cantor's Very Important Congress Person's hefty salary and primo benefits.

Priorities, people!

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor said Monday that if Congress passes an emergency spending bill to help Missouri’s tornado victims, the extra money will have to be cut from somewhere else.

But which Socialist government program the Republicans hate (all of them?) should get de-funded first?

Let's see, does it include the words defense and/or security and involve authorizing hundreds of billions of dollars to fight bloody wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and anywhere else there are endless supplies of Muslims, oil pipelines, and misplaced 9/11 hysteria? Because, so long as it is not providing medical care for the 9/11 emergency workers or helping the victim's families or anything wasteful and unnecessary like that, rest assured, it's a helluva lot safer than some hapless tornado victim schlub in Joplin.

Which is more than can be said for Eric Cantor's reelection chances.

Besides, everyone knows, them Joplin folks will just waste all that money on food and shelter anyway.

Perhaps a better idea would be to just drop a house on him instead.

BP Apologizes For Failing To "Top Kill" Anything, Except Mother Earth, Of Course!

Howdy America and Happy Memorial Day to all of you, even those who aren't in the military and have done nothing to honor our soldiers except shove brats and burgers in your big. fat mouths while competing to see who can guzzle the most beers and smash the empty cans against their foreheads in the least amount of time, for freedom!

On this patriotic holiday, I hope you enjoy some fun in the sun (or rain) on your fine, federal day off from whatever menial job you normally dread every Monday-Friday, when not honoring scores of dead soldiers who died for America during any of the various invasions, battles, or star-spangled incursions to stop Hitler or avenge an attempt on Daddy's life by some desert madman named Saddam, or whatever the case may be.

Either way, enjoy the long weekend, because it may be your last now that BP oil spillageddon continues to douse marine wildlife and precious resources in layers of delicious petroleum, and flirt with the people frolicking around the coastal shores from Florida to Mississippi in the hopes of enjoying actual cool, refreshing water, not thick, slimy crude oil during their fun Memorial day at the beach.

That's right folks! Turns out BP's desperate, last-ditch effort to "plug the damn hole" via the awesomely-named "top kill" didn't in fact "kill" anything except our collective hope, and faith that BP can do anything even remotely competently except dupe the dumb public out of oceans of money, and actual non-toxic, Dihydrogen monoxide seas of life.

Tsk, tsk, silly Americans!

So, now that BP's latest, greatest "best chance" to seal the worst oil leak in U.S. history—by shoving a billion tons of filth, garbage, and basic garage sale items inside the spewing wound—has been a spectacular failure (despite it's supposed 70 percent chance of success), what terrible, new, sexily-named plan will the brilliant oil-clogged minds at BP come up with next?

“After three full days of attempting top kill, we now believe it is time to move on to the next of our options,” BP Chief Operations Officer Doug Suttles explained, admitting that they "don't know for certain why it failed," which is always very encouraging to hear!

In any case, now that the hardworking, capable minds at BP have been unable to stem the flow geyser of oil gushing from a mile beneath the Gulf of Mexico and onto America's coastal shores, using state-of-the-art techniques like shooting as many golf balls and rubber tires as humanly possible into the hole, in the hopes that the powerful combo of discarded junk and a few Hail Marys will do the trick, it is time to move on to the next comical-if-it-weren't-so-tragic "solution" to stop the oil from spillin' baby spillin'!

The new "fix" probably won't "work" either—and it might increase the bleeding crude “by as much as 20%.” But on the bright side, it may just start working in August, so good times ahead?

Or at least if you believe a hoity-toity, elitist "news"paper like the LA Times:

"BP’s plan to sever a leaking pipe as part of an effort to cap its runaway well in the Gulf of Mexico could increase flow by as much as 20%, and the oil giant has no remedy to stop up the well until August, Obama administration and company officials said Sunday. "

But hey, at least BP feels bad (sort of):

BP’s CEO said Sunday he’s sorry for the largest oil spill in U.S. history and the "massive disruption" it has caused the Gulf Coast, telling reporters the company hopes to corral most of the crude offshore.

"The first thing to say is I’m sorry," Tony Hayward said when asked what he would tell people in Louisiana, where heavy oil has already reached parts of the state’s southeastern marshes.

"We’re sorry for the massive disruption it’s caused their lives. There’s no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back."

You hear that, America?? He is incredibly sorry for all the death and destruction his wonderful company has caused, but even more for all the disruption you people have caused to his perfect, carefree life. He's a rich, global oil executive for crying out loud, not some common schlub who actually relies on the ocean for silly things like eating, drinking, and employment, instead of important BP things like padding his already flush, fattened wallet.

I mean what do you want him to do? Grab some gloves and a shovel and actually start cleaning the sh*t up himself?

Ha ha, now that's rich! Not as rich as he or any of the other caring, misunderstood BP executives responsible for devastating America's coastlines, but hey, close enough.

Hayward said the company is doing "everything we can to contain the oil offshore, but as far as I'm concerned, a cup of oil on the beach is a failure."

But an entire ocean of oil? Heckuva job, Tony!!

So, anyway, Happy Memorial Day...to the once thriving vast bodies of sustenance and life formerly known as the Ocean.

The last 3.8 billion years just wouldn't have been the same without you!

But, perhaps there's another 139 million square miles of precious, untapped open wilderness for you to destroy explore, where no one will mind a couple million barrels o' oil wreaking death and destruction every which way...

$arah Palin's backyard for instance?

Oil's Well That Ends Well...Or In Total Disaster! Just Ask Charlie Crist Or Charlie The Tuna

Drill, Baby, Drill! Drill, Baby, Drill! Drill, Baby, Drill!

Everyone knows environmental conservation and coastal drilling go together like, well, water and oil, especially the more than 200,000 gallons spilling into the Gulf of Mexico every day, after another one of those really safe, technologically sound British Petroleum-leased oil rigs exploded, killing 11 workers and spewing thousands of gallons of toxic, highly flammable crude oil out of a hole at the end of the 5,000-foot-long pipe into the now flaming, black ocean.

Wooohooo!

Thanks to the wizards over at BP, who as it turns out could have prevented the entire disaster altogether with a simple remote "off" switch, which of course the rig lacked, because that would make too much sense, take all the fun "risk" out of the whole thing, and who knows, maybe even cost a fraction of the millions of dollars already "wasted" on the extensive emergency cleanup effort in the wake of the disaster. Oh, well! Ya win some, ya lose some, right!?

The oil spill is now estimated to be five times as big as previously thought—likely bigger than the Exxon Valdez spill in 1989, but much to everyone's delight, the Coast Guard has already begun setting the oil on fire to control environmental damage.

Which is good news!

Because now the terrifying mass of crude oil the size of Rhode Island quickly barreling towards the Louisiana coastline has instead turned into a terrifying wall of flaming oil, the "color and texture of iced tea."

MMMmmmm, everyone loves iced tea! Especially when it tastes like delicious spilled oil and dead marine wildlife.

After admitting the spill was far more extensive than originally thought, BP's Chief Operating Officer Doug Suttles said, "We'll take help from anyone."

Grab a shovel, Sarah!

Guess good things really do happen when you line your nation's unsightly bare coastline with beautiful offshore oil rigs. For freedom!

Speaking of post catastrophe cleanup efforts, the official "Scrubbing of Charlie Crist" from all pamphlets, websites, and any other Republican Party literature bearing this terrible traitor's likeness or name is underway in the Sunshine State.

"The governor is the elected head of our party, so just from a logistical standpoint, in terms of a lot of our printed materials, our website, some of the branding that we’ve done, and things like that, we really have to go back and reevaluate," said the source.

"We don’t want to presume what the governor’s announcement is going to be. All signs point to him leaving the party, so all the preparation we’ve done from a logistical standpoint is going back and seeing what changes need to be made, seeing as the sitting governor will no longer be a member of our party after today."

But with Charlie Crist saying bye bye to the GOP to go rogue as an Independent, where ever will Republicans find another closeted queer who votes against gay rights, while secretly banging 'em on the side, to carry the torch burning cross for the Grand Old Party in the Grand Old People State of Florida?

What's that?? Tea Party fave Marco Rubio, you say??

Hmmm...not bad. I mean he's got all the wingnut qualifications necessary to be the next great Jeb Bush-like savior to lead Florida to complete collapse. Yes, all in all, a decent option, that is, if Arizona's crazy immigrant-huntin' cops don't come down from the soon-to-be-all-white desert and ship him back to that other Cuba, 295.4 miles to the south of Miami, first.

Oh wait, ha ha, never mind. The ocean's on fire anyway! America wins again!

Long live the GOP!

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!