The Most Nerve-Wracking Moment of George W. Bush’s Presidency Was Throwing A Baseball; Throwing Two Wars & An Economy In The Gutter Is Child's Play

How's That For A Strike?

Human caricature and accidental cowboy president George W. Bush sure had a lot of "nerve-wracking" moments during his 8-year reign showering peace and prosperity smart bombs and death onto the land with his signature combination of utter recklessness and absolute idiocy.

And with the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history, two endless, bloody wars, Hurricane Katrina's drowning of New Orleans, unprecedented trampling of civil liberties, including initiating the most wide-ranging extrajudicial surveillance of American citizens in a generation, authorizing widespread abuses of detainees at Gitmo and various other secret terrorist prisons around the world, all after achieving the narrowest (and most disputed!) presidential victory in history, you'd think he'd have plenty of ripe, juicy memories to choose from!

You'd be wrong. Haha, silly fools! Because, as it turns out, "the most nervous moment" of his presidency—check that, of his entire life—was throwing out the ceremonial first pitch at the 2001 World Series.

From his lips to your ears!

According to his interview with the producers of HBO's documentary Beyond 9/11: Portraits of Resilience, George W. Bush's most heart-pounding, sweat inducing feeling came during that seminal moment the world will never remember forget, Game One of the 2001 Yankees-Diamondbacks world series. That's right, the freakin' Diamondbacks!

The adrenaline was coursing through my veins, and the ball felt like a shotput. And Todd Greene, the catcher, looked really small. Sixty feet and six inches seemed like a half-mile. And anyway, I took a deep breath and threw it, and thankfully it went over the plate. The response was overwhelming. It was the most nervous I had ever been. It was the most nervous moment of my entire presidency, it turns out.

Oh, hahaha, so that's how it turned out!! I always thought it turned out with thousands of Americans dead, even more thousands of Muslim civilians bombed, America's 31st biggest city (but #1 biggest party city!) transformed into a new, modern-day Atlantis, and trillions & trillions of dollars in unpaid war debt!

On the bright side, at least Kanye didn't call him a racist who doesn't care about black people, because that would have been really tragic. Almost as tragic as caring about them enough to actually do anything to, oh, I don't know, maybe help them during one of the worst natural disasters in American history.

Just a thought.

Seriously, that was some fucking pitch, though.

Now, if we could only have figured out a way to strike out the most nerve-wracking moment of his Presidency for the rest of us. I believe it was called the 2000s.

Not Quite All-Star, But Not As Bad As His Bowling Either

When closet sportscaster Barack Obama threw out the first ball at tonight's All-Star Game that no one cares about, the big question was will he bring the heat like George W. Bush and Herbert Hoover? Or will he be a jelly-armed pussy like Jimmy Carter?

Luckily, President Obama has been practicing since his first big league appearance back in 2005 when, as a lowly U.S. Senator, he threw out the first pitch for his beloved, soon-to-be World Champion White Sox in the AL Championship Series vs. the Angels and managed to meet his goal of just "keeping it high enough to clear the plate." Phew!

"When you're a senator, they show you no respect so they just hand you the ball. You don't get a chance to warm up," Obama said. "Here, at least they had me down with Pujols in the batting cage, practicing a little bit."

Which is good because if Pujols hadn't helped the President by scooping his low throw, the ball would have bounced (gasp!) and Obama's entire political future would be doomed.

Think about it. If you're too good, it's the George W. Bush problem. You can throw a wicked ceremonial first pitch like nobody's business but you can't run the country for sh*t.

On the other hand, if you're too bad, a la Jimmy Carter, whose love of softball sadly didn't transfer into a winning Dubya-like performance during his own 1992 World Series ceremonial first pitch, but a one-hop, two-hop, pathetic dribble into the catcher's mitt. And we all know how his presidency went.

So with a little help from his lucky White Sox jacket, a "loosened" arm, a stadium full of cheering fans, and his pal Albert Pujols' killer scoop, Obama's All-Star pitch technically made it all the way to the catcher. Hooray!

Guess Obama can keep his day job. The jury's still out on his pride though.