The Democrats Brilliant New Health Care Strategy: Abandon Ship!

Well here's a new, terrible idea about how to proceed on health care that makes no sense, meaning it is only a matter of time before the lovely Democrats decide to run with it, full steam ahead!

In the wake of the Dems' embarrassing defeat at the hands of a Cosmo centerfold turned teabagging sensation in the arugula-eating gay mecca of Taxachusetts, Senate Health Committee Chairman Chris Dodd (D-CT) is suggesting that Democrats should "maybe take a breather for a month, six weeks" from health care reform, since the "much-needed break would allow lawmakers to regroup and focus on other issues."

Yes, that'll show 'em! Nothing shows strength, resolve and a united front in the face of adversity like running away screaming at the top of your lungs at the first sign of distress.

But, yes, everyone listen to Chris Dodo head because what better time to make a mad dash away from health reform than before anything is actually accomplished? That way, when you fail, at least you can say you didn't try that hard!

Plus, just think of all the momentum you'll have from your wild sprint from health care to tackle all those other pressing "issues" like bank regulation and Wall street oversight, what with everyone still focused on the health care reform that never happened and all.

I mean it's not like regulating Wall Street so it no longer feasts solely on the misfortune of others is a hard task to accomplish or anything, since unlike health care, there's no lobbyists, competing interests, or lawmakers with ulterior motives that may threaten to derail the whole thing.

Not to mention how hot the populist words "jobs" or "a bill to create jobs" are right now, which should make it a total breeze to pass through the worst, most dysfunctional institution in the history of mankind, the U.S. Congress. Hooray!

So, thank you Chris Dodd for your brilliant suggestion to ignore health care for oh, let's say the next six weeks or so, until no one remembers they're dying but too broke-ass to pay for it anyway, and Congress can once again look like the proud, effective cornerstone of democracy that it is.

Of course, Chris doesn't really care either way since he'll be retired and chillin' with his hot man tan on a Connecticut beach this time next year.

But not everyone thinks cutting and running is the best move if President Obama and the Democrats hope to pass his signature issue, health care reform, at any point before being tossed out of office in a wave of insane teabagger-fueled hysteria.

Like former Democratic chairman and token rabble-rouser Howard Dean who had some sharp words for the Dems following their crushing blow in Massachusetts.

"We've got to be tougher. I've said the Democrats are not tough enough. Bush would have had the health care bill done a long time ago. He would have gone through reconciliation."

Ha ha that's cute, Dean! Except for the little fact that has Bush never even heard of the word reconciliation, let alone ever be caught actually doing something as pussy as that.

Besides, the only bills Bush rams through anything are ones that involve invading oil-rich countries, taking away our liberties, trampling the constitution, killing polar bears, fleecing the public, oppressing the gays, fattening his wallet while bankrupting the rest of us, and keeping him and Dick nice 'n cozy calling the shots as the Decider(s)-in-Chief.

Not trying to help poor, sick losers he doesn't even know get health care or something gay like that. Who do you think he is, Jimmy Carter or something?

Super Sleuth Jimmy Carter Suspects Some People (Joe Wilson?) Hate Obama Just For Being Black!

Former President and soft-spoken peanut farmer Jimmy Carter is the lucky winner of this week's state-the-obvious contest for his brilliant analysis of the motives behind South Carolina Rep. Joe "You lie" Wilson's outburst last week during President Obama's health care speech to Congress.

The Democratic statesman and peace-loving former world leader believes the actions of a certain disgraced, loudmouth member of Congress isn't about health care at all, but rather part of a larger, disturbing trend directed at the president that has included such notable demonstrations as rage-filled secessionists trying to get the hell out of this now God-forsaken Socialist Union, shrieking protesters comparing Barack Obama to Adolf Hitler and assorted other Nazi leaders, and angry mobs of Confederate flag-waving, middle-aged white men accusing the President of trying to murder grandma just for shits and giggles (and maybe a little for health care too).

“Those kind of things are not just casual outcomes of a sincere debate on whether we should have a national program on health care,” Carter said during a town-hall meeting at his presidential center in Atlanta. “It’s deeper than that.”

You mean all the brouhaha isn't just to protect grandma from that scary, dark Kenyan man?

“I think it’s based on racism,” he said. “There is an inherent feeling among many in this country that an African-American should not be president.”

What?? Where on earth did you get a crazy idea like that? I mean, what could have possibly given you that impression?

"I think an overwhelming portion of the intensely demonstrated animosity toward President Barack Obama is based on the fact that he is a black man, that he's African-American," Carter said. "I live in the South, and I've seen the South come a long way, and I've seen the rest of the country that shares the South's attitude toward minority groups at that time, particularly African-Americans."

"That racism inclination still exists, and I think it's bubbled up to the surface because of belief among many white people--not just in the South but around the country--that African Americans are not qualified to lead this great country. It's an abominable circumstance, and it grieves me and concerns me very deeply," Carter said.

"The president is not only the head of government, he is the head of state. And no matter who he is or how much we disagree with his policies, the president should be treated with respect."

As long as he is white (without having a scary Joker face painted on him first), that is.

But one hip-hop loving, Republican freedom-fighter with balls of Steele, and the misfortune of sharing the same chocolatey hue as Obama, knows the truth.

"President Carter is flat-out wrong," RNC chairman Michael Steele explained. "This isn't about race. It is about policy."

"Injecting race into the debate over critical issues facing American families doesn't create jobs, reform our health care system or reduce the growing deficit. It only divides Americans rather than uniting us to find solutions to challenges facing our nation," he said.

You're so right, Michael! Why didn't we think of that? It's so obvious! Talking about race divides us, acting like a bunch of nutball racists unites us. Yay! All our problems are solved. Michael Steele for President!!

But first, he's got to do something about that "tan" or whatever.

Not Quite All-Star, But Not As Bad As His Bowling Either

When closet sportscaster Barack Obama threw out the first ball at tonight's All-Star Game that no one cares about, the big question was will he bring the heat like George W. Bush and Herbert Hoover? Or will he be a jelly-armed pussy like Jimmy Carter?

Luckily, President Obama has been practicing since his first big league appearance back in 2005 when, as a lowly U.S. Senator, he threw out the first pitch for his beloved, soon-to-be World Champion White Sox in the AL Championship Series vs. the Angels and managed to meet his goal of just "keeping it high enough to clear the plate." Phew!

"When you're a senator, they show you no respect so they just hand you the ball. You don't get a chance to warm up," Obama said. "Here, at least they had me down with Pujols in the batting cage, practicing a little bit."

Which is good because if Pujols hadn't helped the President by scooping his low throw, the ball would have bounced (gasp!) and Obama's entire political future would be doomed.

Think about it. If you're too good, it's the George W. Bush problem. You can throw a wicked ceremonial first pitch like nobody's business but you can't run the country for sh*t.

On the other hand, if you're too bad, a la Jimmy Carter, whose love of softball sadly didn't transfer into a winning Dubya-like performance during his own 1992 World Series ceremonial first pitch, but a one-hop, two-hop, pathetic dribble into the catcher's mitt. And we all know how his presidency went.

So with a little help from his lucky White Sox jacket, a "loosened" arm, a stadium full of cheering fans, and his pal Albert Pujols' killer scoop, Obama's All-Star pitch technically made it all the way to the catcher. Hooray!

Guess Obama can keep his day job. The jury's still out on his pride though.

All The President's Men

Let's Do Lunch!

On Wednesday, departing President George W. Bush and President-elect Barack Obama will sit down for a meeting in the Oval Office (oooh, fancy!) before joining the three living former presidents, Bill Clinton, George H.W. Bush and Jimmy Carter for a historic, if not occasionally awkward lunch.

The gathering, less than two weeks before Bush and his wife Laura leave the White House for their cozy, new palace in Dallas, was actually Obama's idea (duh!) but Bush "readily agreed," marking the first time all living presidents have gotten together at the White House since 1981.

And it should be quite some gathering.

Anytime you take one bumbling outgoing president, add the exact opposite to replace him, throw in an overbearing, slightly less disastrous father, a soft-spoken southern evangelical with anti-Semitic tendencies, and a charming sex-addict desperate to be back in the White House, you know it's gonna be good.

The only question is who gets stuck next to Carter?