The Comically Screwed State Of Politics, In Small, Easy-To-Swallow Bites.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Not Quite All-Star, But Not As Bad As His Bowling Either
When closet sportscaster Barack Obama threw out the first ball at tonight's All-Star Game that no one cares about, the big question was will he bring the heat like George W. Bush and Herbert Hoover? Or will he be a jelly-armed pussy like Jimmy Carter?
Luckily, President Obama has been practicing since his first big league appearance back in 2005 when, as a lowly U.S. Senator, he threw out the first pitch for his beloved, soon-to-be World Champion White Sox in the AL Championship Series vs. the Angels and managed to meet his goal of just "keeping it high enough to clear the plate." Phew!
"When you're a senator, they show you no respect so they just hand you the ball. You don't get a chance to warm up," Obama said. "Here, at least they had me down with Pujols in the batting cage, practicing a little bit."
Which is good because if Pujols hadn't helped the President by scooping his low throw, the ball would have bounced (gasp!) and Obama's entire political future would be doomed.
Think about it. If you're too good, it's the George W. Bush problem. You can throw a wicked ceremonial first pitch like nobody's business but you can't run the country for sh*t.
On the other hand, if you're too bad, a la Jimmy Carter, whose love of softball sadly didn't transfer into a winning Dubya-like performance during his own 1992 World Series ceremonial first pitch, but a one-hop, two-hop, pathetic dribble into the catcher's mitt. And we all know how his presidency went.
So with a little help from his lucky White Sox jacket, a "loosened" arm, a stadium full of cheering fans, and his pal Albert Pujols' killer scoop, Obama's All-Star pitch technically made it all the way to the catcher. Hooray!