Sarah Palin's Not-At-All-Sketchy Decision To Abandon Alaska

The Fourth of July is supposed to be all about patriotic celebration, with plenty of food, family, fun and fireworks. But nooooooo. Alaskan floozy Sarah Palin had to go and ruin it for everyone by announcing she is quitting her illustrious non-job as governor of our beloved 49th state. She must really hate America to drop a bomb like this on our Independence Day, of all times! For shame, Sarah! Have you no decency?

But what's behind our fair ice queen's rash decision to quit being governor of the frozen tundra and Russian buffer of Alaska THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS before the next presidential election? Certainly her decision was based on more than just sheer lunacy, right?

Hmmm, let's take a look:

• Is Mama Bear Palin's getting ready to welcome another little cub into the mix? One that she can give a bizarre name to, parade around town, and then spend the rest of her days trying to tear the heart out of anyone who dares utter a word about her sweet little miracle of God? Let's just hope this one doesn't end up like Bristol...

• Sarah Palin's brother knows the real reason why lovely sister Sarah called it quits. She was sick and tired of spending "80 percent of her time defending herself" from the evil Media. Which must mean she didn't feel like shrieking at late-night comedians and mean-spirited photoshopping bloggers for wanting daughter Willow raped and special-needs baby Trig murdered, respectively. Screaming for weeks at a time can be so exhausting!

• Perhaps some sort of BIG, about-to-break scandal has sent Sarah suddenly packing? Something nice and juicy involving Sarah and her snow-mobiling, secessionist husband Todd steering lucrative state contracts to a well-connected company, Spenard Building Supplies, in exchange for innocent thank you's like their kick-ass home on pristine Lake Lucille in 2002? Not our sweet Sarah. That Alaskan maverick is gonna clean up ol' Washington once and for all! You betcha' she is!

• Nasty Neocon God Charles Krauthammer told Fox News that Palin is not a serious candidate for Republicans because she's dumber than rocks and any real GOP contender has to actually understand the issues and stop speaking in cliches and platitudes because it just plain looks bad. No foolin' neither!

• Could it be that Sarah's out of the game? Gasp! According to this nasty rumor, Sarah Palin is not running for anything, ever, and that she’s “out of politics for good." Uh-oh. Did Papa Krauthammer push delicate Sarah's last buttons? Or maybe she finally got the hint?? Eh, probably not.

I say the best guess from Palin's "rambling and sometimes confusing" resignation speech is pretty much no one knows what the hell she's doing, least of all the woman herself. She'll finish her book, go promote it in the "lower 48" aka fake America hell, spend time with her (growing?) family, give paid speeches, fundraise for the GOP, talk with folks, and who knows, maybe even consider a national run. Or just a regular one around the old Wasilla jogging trail. Hell, maybe she'll just go back to school. Didn't really stick the first time around.