Nazi Pelosi's Gavel, Coupled With Barry's Signature Means Granny And Trig Will Be Dead In A Week

OH NO!!! Health Care has passed and soon all of us will be dead and buried along with Grandmama and baby Trig and no one will be alive to remember this terrible day when freedom died, insurance companies were regulated, and every fifth Republican was forced by law to have an automatic abortion.

Well not everyone is taking kindly to this new shovel-ready government takeover of America's health care (the greatest in the world!), until approximately midnight Sunday, when in one swift strike of Nazi Pelosi's gavel, all hell broke loose, and America was abruptly reduced to a pathetic, Socialist shadow of its former self.

Let the countdown to Armageddon begin!

Perhaps it is another manifestation of the temporary Obama Derangement Syndrome that comes with having a scary Black man occupy the pure White House, but whatever the case may be, the passing of evil ObamaCare to help insure millions of struggling Americans, caused some people (namely congressional Republicans and their friendly "n*gger and f*ggot" shouting teabagging constituents) to lose whatever semblance of a rational mind still left in the ol' tank.

Like the newest Joe Wilson-like shining star of the Grand Old Party, Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-TX), whose own brave and courageous Tourette's Syndrome moment came during Sunday night's House debate on reform when he just couldn't stop himself from shrieking "baby killer" at pro-life Democrat turned pro-death health care supportin' traitor Bart Stupak while he spoke on the House floor. By accident.

Tsk tsk, Randy darling!

Have you no decency sir?

Oh right, your district went 72%-27% for McCain in 2008 so its Rep's shameful inability to control his bizarre loudmouth tendencies will probably keep his campaign coffers stuffed nice 'n fat for life, which, thanks to the DEMONcrat's terrible bill, will likely be a fraction of what it once would have been.

Of course, it did take Randy quite some time to step forward and claim the latest uncivilized outburst as his own brilliant handiwork, probably because he's so humble and doesn't like taking credit for the many heroic things he does for the American people. Just the kind of guy he is.

"Last night was the climax of weeks and months of debate on a health care bill that my constituents fear and do not support. In the heat and emotion of the debate, I exclaimed the phrase 'it's a baby killer' in reference to the agreement reached by the Democratic leadership. While I remain heartbroken over the passage of this bill and the tragic consequences it will have for the unborn, I deeply regret that my actions were mistakenly interpreted as a direct reference to Congressman Stupak himself."

"I have apologized to Mr. Stupak and also apologize to my colleagues for the manner in which I expressed my disappointment about the bill. The House Chamber is a place of decorum and respect. The timing and tone of my comment last night was inappropriate."

And as a result, I will now become the defacto leader of the new Republican Party of deranged Klansmen who love tea almost as much as freedom and fetuses.

Freedom-fighters like John McCain who is not done selling his soul in a desperate attempt to stave off total irrelevancy for another four-year term.

"There will be no cooperation for the rest of the year," McCain said during a radio interview Monday. "They have poisoned the well in what they've done and how they've done it." Hapuff!

Meanies!

Now if only I could use some of that same toxic well juice on that goddamn nut JD Hayworth before the bastard boots me out of my beloved desert state, which I own because of the rich wifey, who much like everyone else, can't really stand me either.

"In my opinion, the institution of the Congress has been fundamentally harmed," explained doomsday oracle Sen. Judd Gregg, whose love of all things double applies to consonants in his name as well as standards in Congress, because everyone knows the process Democrats used to craft the bill is completely unjustified except when Republicans do it.

Still, Gregg acknowledged that voters' (non-existent) concerns about processes used to pass the health care bill might have abated, along with their failing health and/or bankruptcy woes, by November.

"There will be other events in this nation which capture the attention of the American people," he told CNBC. "So it's very possible that people will not be as focused on this by next November."

You better believe we'll find something else to scare the bejesus out of the dumb public by then!

I mean how else do you expect us to get elected, tell the truth?? Lol.

C'mon, you know us better than that!

Hail To The Chief? The Supreme Power Of Those In Power

Supreme Court Chief Justice Jagoff, John Roberts and his famously understated, chic, side-sweep hairdo are very upset!

And not just cause ol' blue eyes misses his favoritest mentor and surrogate pop George W. Bush, who handpicked him of all the lawyers in the land to become the new, non-ancient, unqualified, straight-shootin' son of a right-wing gun the administration needed to fill the big, spit-shined shoes left by William Rehnquist upon his passage to the sweet kingdom in the clouds. Not even!

But because of that terrible meany Barack Obama, who unlike Georgy pants, never wants to have fun or play in the sandbox with Scalia out back, or do anything cool like they used to when Bush was still roaming the Oval Office, looking for someone to arm wrestle besides Laura and Miss Beazley. He's already beat Laura like a million times, and paws don't really count as arms!

It all started when President Obama, in a break from tradition, called out the stoic black robes in the front row for their recent Citizens United ruling that allows corporations and unions to freely spend money to run political ads for or against specific candidates during his annual State of the Union Address.

"With all due deference to the separation of powers the Supreme Court reversed a century of law to open the floodgates for special interests — including foreign corporations — to spend without limit in our elections," Obama said.

"Well I don't think American elections should be bankrolled by America's most powerful interests, or worse, by foreign entities. They should be decided by the American people, and that's why I'd urge Democrats and Republicans to pass a bill that corrects some of these problems."

How dare the leader of the free world suggest Congress use our constitutional system of checks and balances to attempt to put together a legislative fix to rectify the Supreme Court's reckless decision to give Pringles, Coca Cola, Exxon Mobil, Doritos, and Mr. Clean more political sway than any poor schlub with a voting card but no corporate one??

Naturally, Chief Justice John WAHberts is crying foul over President NObama's horrifying decision to single out the recent Supreme Court decision to reverse a century of legal precedent, allowing companies and other special interests to spend as much as their greedy little corporate-branded hearts desire in our elections.

Apparently, Mr. Goody Two-Shoes Obama doesn't think it is such a good idea to let Uncle Ben (of rice fame) be able to spend the same amount as Ben's Uncle (of repairman fame) in deciding who gets to be the next U.S. president. Party-pooper!

Of course, Captain of the High Court, Dread Justice Roberts believes anyone is welcome to criticize the court, and some even have an obligation to do so because of their positions. Just not the President, and not during highly publicized events like State of the Union Addresses when people might actually see the President belittle the good justices of the court, holding all nine accountable for their decisions affecting every citizen in the country.

"So I have no problems with that," Roberts said in response to a University of Alabama law student's question.

"On the other hand, there is the issue of the setting, the circumstances and the decorum. The image of having the members of one branch of government standing up, literally surrounding the Supreme Court, cheering and hollering while the court - according the requirements of protocol - has to sit there expressionless, I think is very troubling."

Except for that one robot-in-Justice-clothes, Samuel Alito, who protocol be damned, just couldn't control his petty human urges to protest being chastised by the president on prime-time teevee, and resorted to a Joe Wilson-like temper tantrum, complete with furious head-shaking and silent shouts of the words "not true, not true" in the hopes that someone would see the humanity obscured by layers of tight terrycloth and a deep disdain for the rest of the dopey public not bright enough to snag a coveted spot on the bench.

Indeed, John Roberts is shocked (shocked!) over how much the State of the Union address has "degenerated to a political pep rally." Which everyone knows is only permissible when it is Republicans doing the pepping.

In fact, Roberts doesn't even understand why the Supreme Court Justices have to attend these long, boring State of the Union speeches at all.

"I'm not sure why we're there," he said.

Of course, he could always go the Justice Antonin Scalia route and refuse to attend such things because the justices "sit there like bumps on a log" while all the attention is hogged by Mr. Hot Shot President.

And also because Scalia a total dick, second only to that other former vice presidential Dick. And as such, can't stand being around actual humans, 'cept that one beautiful reflection he sees in mirrors and windows.

Well, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs isn't about to sit back and let some mannequins dressed in legal drag say what is troubling and what is not.

"What is troubling is that this decision opened the floodgates for corporations and special interests to pour money into elections - drowning out the voices of average Americans," Gibbs said. "The President has long been committed to reducing the undue influence of special interests and their lobbyists over government. That is why he spoke out to condemn the decision and is working with Congress on a legislative response."

Whatever.

I mean why should they be held responsible for their disastrous ruling that rapes years of legal precedent, and the very democratic process this country was founded upon?

Just because they make the law, doesn't mean they have to follow it. Silly NObama, don't you know anything?

Like how their motto, "Equal Justice Under Law" really means "Every Justice Above Law."

After all, Justice For Life=Life Without Justice.

'Tis the golden rule. Unless they feel like changing it. Or doing away with it altogether.

That's what makes them Supreme.

All Hail Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khomeini

Barack Obama's State of the Union: Put Up or Shut Up! Please??

Well folks, it's been one whole year since Barack Obama rode a wave of hope and goodwill to become America's first semi-colored president before disappointing us all with the harsh reality that he is not in fact Superman, and as such, does not have the magical ability to don a cape and instantly wipe away the world's woes with a single wave of his perfectly smooth hand.

Ha ha loser!

If you're not drunk, or in the process of voluntarily losing millions of brain cells, my condolences. You should be. Makes the whole State-of-the-Union thing that much more palatable. No one wants to watch Congress act like one big retarded wind-up doll for 60 never-ending minutes; try it sober and you'll understand what torture really is (aside from having ice-cold bottles of water poured over your head in a luxurious blindfold upside-down spa bath).

So what does President Barack Obama have to say for himself nearly one year after he FAILED to transform this nation from bankrupt Bushwhacked pariah to prosperous global piiiimp?

Surely, he'll will hit up all the key words and phrases we Americans expect, no, make that need to hear from our leader in order to feel good about about our obese, capitalist, consumer-driven way of life once again. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Words that make people burst from their seats in a wild surge of patriotic pride and affection, and also the intrinsic need to not be the one a-hole grimacing like a douchebag (think Joe Lieberman) when the President of the United States says things like "jobs creation" and "educating the youth."

Everyone, except Republicans, who only stand and cheer for phrases like "war," "terror," "Wall Street" and of course, their personal favorites, anything with the words "nuclear" or "profit" in it. You wanna see a Republican get really excited and instantly turn into an energizer bunny? Just whisper the words "oil" or "drill" into their ear and see what happens. They go nuts for it!

Unlike those Supreme statues in the front who wear their finest mumus and poker faces and DO NOT stand for anybody under any circumstances whatsoever.

Seriously, Obama can stand literally ten feet in front of the entire front-row of sitting Supreme Court Justices and call out them out for being the terrible 1,000 year old human beings that they are ('cept for that Soto chick he picked), and reversing a century of legal precedent allowing corporations and other special interests to spend--without limit--in our elections. Meaning Morgan Stanley (the investment bank) will now be able to spend the same amount as Stanley Morgan (the check-out guy at the local grocery store) to help decide the next U.S. president. Hooray!

And yet the fancy pants mannequins in the front row remain stoic and motionless, trying so very hard to not make any gestures or show the slightest trace of emotion, for fear their deep secret of being actual humans may be revealed.

Which isn't as easy as it sounds! Oh no, there goes Samuel Alito doing the opposite of "not making a gesture," by shaking his head, mouthing "not true, not true" in what can only be described as a desperate attempt to appeal to all those South Carolinians pining for another Joe Wilson-like hero with Tourettes to rescue America from these terrible NObama lies.

But, alas, those good old days are long gone, now that health care is dead and the economy is dead and Ted Kennedy is dead, and hope and change are as dead as the dickens and our miserable failure of a leader is forced to go before a gathering of hungry predators (Congress) to give some pathetic excuse about why it only took him 12 months to ruin the country when it took George W. Bush eight whole years to destroy America.

"At the beginning of the last decade, the year 2000, America had a budget surplus of over $200 billion. By the time I took office, we had a one-year deficit of over $1 trillion and projected deficits of $8 trillion over the next decade. Most of this was the result of not paying for two wars, two tax cuts, and an expensive prescription drug program...All this was before I walked in the door."

Whoa, whoa wait just a minute there, fellow! Are you implying that the presidency of George W. Bush Junior is to blame for the financial mess we're in? What a terribly impolite thing to say about the former president of these United States! How dare you even mention the great #43, let alone use something as RUDE and ELITIST as actual facts.

"Too many Americans have lost faith in our biggest institutions: our corporations, our media, and yes, our government...It's time to try something new: let's invest in our people without leaving them mountains of debt."

Hmmm, go on?

"By the time I'm finished speaking tonight, more Americans will have lost their coverage." Wooohooo!! Oh wait...that's a bad thing, right?

"Here's what I ask Congress, though: Don't walk away from reform. Not now. Not when we are so close. Let us find a way to come together and finish the job for the American people. Let's get it done."

Okay, now everyone cheer for America. And freedom! And diversity! And working together to solve problems and make America a better place! YAY!!!

Wonder where he's going with all this hippie-dippie, love your neighbor crazy talk?

"This year, I will work with Congress and our military to finally repeal the law that denies gay Americans the right to serve the country they love because of who they are. It's the right thing to do."

Arrrrggghhh! Oh no, not more freedom and equality sh*t like letting the gays also have a chance to die in war. It makes the military brass very uncomfortable and everyone knows their comfort is far more important than constitutional rights or having military personnel with the ability to translate Arabic into a civilized language like English. Heterosexual English, that is.

"From the day I took office, I've been told that addressing our larger challenges is too ambitious; such an effort would be too contentious...our political system is too gridlocked, and that we should just put things on hold for a while."

"You see, Washington has been telling us to wait for decades, even as the problems have grown worse...Well, I do not accept second place for the United States of America."

You hear that people? Silver is for losers like the Chinese or British. Gold is for winners like Glenn Beck and the rest of the Fox News team head over heels for the shiny metal of champions.

"I campaigned on the promise of change--change we can believe in, the slogan went. And right now, I know there are many Americans who aren't sure if they still believe we can change--or that I can deliver it."

"But remember this--I never suggested that change would be easy, or that I could do it alone. Democracy in a nation of 300 million people can be noisy and messy and complicated. And when you try to do big things and make big changes, it stirs passions and controversy."

"We have finished a difficult year. We have come through a difficult decade. But a new year has come...We don't quit. I don't quit. Let's seize this moment--to start anew, to carry the dream forward and to strengthen our union once more."

In other words, Democrats: thank you, and please continue trying to solve problems. Republicans: drop dead. Problem solved!

Now, that's change we can all believe in!

From Rags To Riches: The Inspiring True Story Of Joe "You Lie" Wilson

Hey kids, remember those endless hours hitting the books and boring late-night cramming sessions? Well those days are over! Now, you can get filthy rich by doing nothing more than acting like a hotheaded douchebag in front of millions of people on prime-time television. It's true!

Just ask South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson, who's taking his star-making performance flouting hundreds of years of congressional decorum by shrieking "You lie" at the President of the world all the way to the bank.

Since his tremendous feat of making himself and his Grand Old Party look like a bunch of mindless heathens, rising star Joe Wilson has catapulted from nameless obscurity to shameful notoriety, raising a whopping $2.7 million from other right-wing anger balls who think momentary fits of Tourette's syndrome directed at the President during a publicly televised joint session of Congress is an effective way of voicing opposition.

So kudos to you Joe! For keeping alive the hopes and dreams of a crushed party with no agenda or vision for the nation, save for the swift defeat of its first black socialist president with rage, ignorance and two simple, powerful words: "You lie."

To show how much he appreciates the support of hardworking teabaggers who made his meteoric rise possible, Wilson's campaign released a statement calling the haul "a humbling honor."

At town hall meetings in the 2nd District of South Carolina and across America, people are not merely asking questions, they are demanding answers. They believe, as I do, that progress in America begins where the status quo ends — Washington's way is not always the RIGHT way.

The RIGHT way to get your point across is dressing up as Jesus Christ, waving a Confederate flag, carrying a loaded AK-47, and screaming in the face of frail, old legislators about the true birthplace of a certain illegal Kenyan president who also happens to be Hitler, Stalin, and Heath Ledger's signature dark 2008 portrayal of Batman's lipstick-smeared, white-faced nemesis.

Americans understand that these are times of great consequence. The change we were promised is not the change that has been delivered. We have a choice: we can sit back and watch, or we can stand up and act. One by one, Americans have chosen to stand up, I intend to stand proudly with them and the constituents of the 2nd District of South Carolina.

And together act like the proud bunch of bumbling idiots we are with no power to speak of, except of course for the power to speak. Loudly. About utter nonsense. At the most highly inappropriate moments possible.

In Obama's Happy UN Family, Black Sheep Come In Orange

Mission Accomplished!

Well, at least Barry is boss somewhere. Not only can he speak without being interrupted by some blathering congressman gone wild, but here at the United Nations, when it comes to pushing his agenda through, member nations actually help implement his proposals by unanimously voting to adopt his resolutions, not toss them in a bonfire and dance around the flames chanting death to socialism.

Obama, who became the first (black, white or any color) U.S. president to chair the U.N. Security Council on Thursday also became the first to actually accomplish something on Friday when the group overwhelmingly voted in favor of Obama's resolution tightening controls on weapons states, ending loopholes exploited by countries like Iran, and curbing the risk of a new nuclear arms race.

“The historic resolution we just adopted enshrines our shared commitment to a goal of a world without nuclear weapons,” Obama said. “And it brings Security Council agreement on a broad framework for action to reduce nuclear dangers as we work toward that goal.”

But Barry's new world order isn't just about non-toxic sunshine and nuclear-free rainbows. It's about making sensible changes to adapt to the 21st century.

"There is no doubt that we have to update and refresh and renew the international institutions that were set up in a different time and place" Obama said.

Thanks to his decision after the G-8 Summit in July that it was "wrongheaded to wrestle with huge global challenges without input from countries like China, India, and the entire Southern Hemisphere," the G-20 will now also take over the G-8's role as the "permanent council for international economic cooperation--a better "reflection of the world economy today and the players that make it up."

Despite President Obama's initial success in using the UN to actually help combat some of the world's most pressing problems, instead of simply as America's bully pulpit, not everyone was satisfied.

Like insane, tangerine sheet-wearing Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi whose allotted 15 minute first speech to the General Assembly somehow devolved into 60-plus incoherent minutes of free-flow consciousness about how the UN is a terrorist, war-mongering monster and should pay trillions in reparations for colonizing Africa and ruining everything for everyone, especially perfect, terror-sponsoring leaders like him.

Guess every legislative body has at least one Joe Wilson, muumuu-clad or otherwise.

Beam Me Up, Barry!

Well, well if it isn't our Trekkie President testing out his light-sabering skills during a photo op on the White House lawn to promote Chicago's bid to host the 2016 Olympic Games.

We can only assume Barry is breaking out his Jedi skills to really impress the International Olympic committee and help snag the games for his hometown, or he's found new meaning for the phrase "talk softly and carry a big stick."

Either way, Obama is one Nerd President who appears ready to take on any obstacles in his path, including rival host cities Tokyo, Rio de Janeiro, and Madrid, former Dick Vice-Presidents who are really Darth Vader, and any loudmouth political rival who dares interrupt The Force that is universal health care. Joe Wilson, beware...

The Empire is striking back!

Super Sleuth Jimmy Carter Suspects Some People (Joe Wilson?) Hate Obama Just For Being Black!

Former President and soft-spoken peanut farmer Jimmy Carter is the lucky winner of this week's state-the-obvious contest for his brilliant analysis of the motives behind South Carolina Rep. Joe "You lie" Wilson's outburst last week during President Obama's health care speech to Congress.

The Democratic statesman and peace-loving former world leader believes the actions of a certain disgraced, loudmouth member of Congress isn't about health care at all, but rather part of a larger, disturbing trend directed at the president that has included such notable demonstrations as rage-filled secessionists trying to get the hell out of this now God-forsaken Socialist Union, shrieking protesters comparing Barack Obama to Adolf Hitler and assorted other Nazi leaders, and angry mobs of Confederate flag-waving, middle-aged white men accusing the President of trying to murder grandma just for shits and giggles (and maybe a little for health care too).

“Those kind of things are not just casual outcomes of a sincere debate on whether we should have a national program on health care,” Carter said during a town-hall meeting at his presidential center in Atlanta. “It’s deeper than that.”

You mean all the brouhaha isn't just to protect grandma from that scary, dark Kenyan man?

“I think it’s based on racism,” he said. “There is an inherent feeling among many in this country that an African-American should not be president.”

What?? Where on earth did you get a crazy idea like that? I mean, what could have possibly given you that impression?

"I think an overwhelming portion of the intensely demonstrated animosity toward President Barack Obama is based on the fact that he is a black man, that he's African-American," Carter said. "I live in the South, and I've seen the South come a long way, and I've seen the rest of the country that shares the South's attitude toward minority groups at that time, particularly African-Americans."

"That racism inclination still exists, and I think it's bubbled up to the surface because of belief among many white people--not just in the South but around the country--that African Americans are not qualified to lead this great country. It's an abominable circumstance, and it grieves me and concerns me very deeply," Carter said.

"The president is not only the head of government, he is the head of state. And no matter who he is or how much we disagree with his policies, the president should be treated with respect."

As long as he is white (without having a scary Joker face painted on him first), that is.

But one hip-hop loving, Republican freedom-fighter with balls of Steele, and the misfortune of sharing the same chocolatey hue as Obama, knows the truth.

"President Carter is flat-out wrong," RNC chairman Michael Steele explained. "This isn't about race. It is about policy."

"Injecting race into the debate over critical issues facing American families doesn't create jobs, reform our health care system or reduce the growing deficit. It only divides Americans rather than uniting us to find solutions to challenges facing our nation," he said.

You're so right, Michael! Why didn't we think of that? It's so obvious! Talking about race divides us, acting like a bunch of nutball racists unites us. Yay! All our problems are solved. Michael Steele for President!!

But first, he's got to do something about that "tan" or whatever.

The Kindred Spirits Of Joe Wilson And Michele Bachmann

She's baaaaaaaaaack! That other semi attractive but equally insane right wing darling not named Sarah Palin (but wishes she was), Minnesota hellwoman Rep. Michele Bachmann, is once again all fired up over the awful Democrats' mistreatment of conservative kindred spirit and total sweetheart Joe "You Lie" Wilson.

Much like the undeserved suffering she endures as a result of the vicious Democratic conspiracy to keep "strong" conservatives like her down, Michele Bachmann feels Joe Wilson's pain. And it hurts. A lot.

As long as those blasted Democrats are in power, strong-willed freedom fighters like her and ol' Joe will never be able to tell America to slit their wrists or blurt whatever crazy thoughts are on their mind at the most highly inappropriate moments.

This abuse cannot stand! So Michele is taking to the Internets to email her many, many (handfuls of) supporters to warn them about how brilliant minds like herself and Joe are being muzzled by America's dangerous slide towards socialism under NObama.

The Democrats are losing when it comes to a debate on the issues and on facts, so they have to resort to demonizing their opponents.

I was in Colorado recently and I made a speech on health care reform. I spoke for nearly 45 minutes about freedom and health care and our gangster government and the economy.

But, the Democrats just want to talk about one line where I said that we as freedom-loving conservatives must do all we can to stop this rush to socialism.

You mean that whole slitting wrists thing? Yeah, that was totally not a big deal.

The President's speech on Wednesday was just the same plan you have already rejected wrapped up in the President's charisma.

They can't argue on the facts or the issues, so they have to make it about personalities and they have to paint strong conservatives like me as evil, uninformed, or crazy. They simply can't understand that there are people out there like you that don't buy their policy prescriptions and that there are people like me who will stand up for you in Congress.

By embarrassing themselves shrieking obscenities at the President during prime time speeches and slitting their wrists in a warm bath of blood and insanity. For freedom!

And The Runners-Up For The Republican Innapropriate Behavior Contest Are...

In all the excitement over Joe Wilson's tremendous feat of making himself and his dear party look like a bunch of mindless heathens during the president's speech to America, it is easy to forget the efforts of fellow conservative stars and statesmen Lindesy Graham and Eric Cantor who earned distinguished honors of their own for less vocal, but no less significant personal protests against the evil Obama Empire.

First, we have fellow South Carolina gentleman Lindsey Graham who almost made the horrible mistake of breaking with his GOP masters by actually clapping for the stupid public option. While President Obama is making a pretty uncontroversial point about how private and public universities coexist, Graham puts his hands together as if to clap before luckily seeing that none of his GOP colleagues are applauding and quickly playing it off as an impromptu hand rub. Phew! Slick one, Linds!

No wanting to show any disrespect, Twitter machine Eric Cantor vowed to steer clear of the tweets and actually listen to what that bastard Obama had to say about health care. Which he totally did by furiously typing away on his Crackberry throughout the President's entire address to Congress instead. Keepin' it classy per usual.

Don't worry because even with the whole Joe "My Emotions Got The Best Of Me" Wilson brouhaha, the efforts of Graham and Cantor did not go unnoticed, and both will be receiving well-earned medals honoring their respective accomplishments in the "Who's Paying Attention the Least Competition." The biggest a**hole award was obviously already taken. There's always next year gentlemen!

The Bright Future Of GOP Shining Star Joe "You Lie" Wilson

It was supposed to be another just another boring night of Barack Obama speaking eloquently to the peoples about his newest plans to ruin America by sending roving, bureaucratic death panels to pull the plug on grandma and provide affordable insurance to the rest of us schlubs.

But nooooooo. One Republican freedom-fighter by the name of Joe Wilson couldn't just sit idly by in quiet respect while this man, no this President, lied to the American people about what providing affordable, quality health insurance to those millions of Americans unable to pull themselves up by their boot straps really means. It means the unraveling of society as we know it! All cause of these poor losers!

Only one brave hero had the bold, unadulterated courage to defy hundreds of years of congressional decorum (and common human decency) and stand up to this presidential tyrant by shouting "You lie" at the alleged President of the United States during his prime-time speech to the world.

So go Joe!! You've succeeded in making douchebag history as the biggest Republican embarrassment since, well, the last Republican to open their mouth in public in the Obama era.

But, this Congressional MVP isn't done there. No sir-ee! Winning the Internets for the Republicans for one whole day was just the beginning of Joe Wilson's illustrious career serving the good people of this nation as the esteemed Rep. from South Carolina.

He's gonna be a star!

But not the kind that shines brightly in the sky for billions of years, more the kind that consumes itself until its core collapses in a violent nuclear explosion that destroys our planet in a fiery death of apocalyptic proportions.