The State Of The Union Is Strong Like...Smoked Salmon & Adult-Onset Diabetes!

Oooh, America, the excitement is in the air! Or maybe it's just the toxic greenhouse gases slowly asphyxiating Mother Earth now that the Obama Administration up and fired (finally!) its only real environmentalist, fierce tree-hugging hippie, now former White House energy adviser, Carol M. Browner, because who the hell needs a planet anyway?

Certainly not America, the greatest, most perfectest, most star spanglediest, God-blessed nation to ever grace the face of the Earth in the history of mankind!

This is an absolute, indisputable fact. Barack Obama knows this, of course, because he is the President of this most blessed union, and as such, is uniquely equipped with the ability to judge these sorts of matters.

And, turns out, a whopping 92% of his fellow 'mericans agree with him! They also approve of his special State of the Union speech about how America rocks the world even though we sometimes shoot our passionate, young elected officials in the head with high-capacity semi automatic weapons by accident in parched desert states where discrimination, bigotry and John McCain reign supreme.

It's not our fault! It's all the rhetoric's fault. Just ask Sarah Palin's crosshairs map or Sharron Angle's 2nd Amendment remedies! They'll tell you!

Anyhoo, where were we? Ah yes, America is the #1 bestest, most awesomest country in the whole wide world because of Sputnik (OMG, WAIT A MINUTE, THAT'S SOCIALISM, YOU COMMIE BASTARD!!!), and constantly re-inventing ourselves (ooooh like Madonna?) except through science and technology (he probably just means Facebook!), not cone-shaped bras and bad 80s pop music or whatever else makes esteemed Members of Congress sit or stand or applaud or fist pump or cringe or inappropriately shriek "You Lie!" from their respective locations in the back of the room.

Like all the really amazing-sounding SOTU stuff that makes Americans (who aren't dressed like their favorite cup of Earl Grey) feel all warm 'n caffeinated inside even if it doesn't mean anything, at least not in terms of actual governance.

Things like, say, job creation (yay!), a competitive economy (oops, think a couple GOP veins just exploded!), gross gays getting the right to shave their heads and get shot in remote Muslim countries in the desert like the rest of the 100% straight-as-Andrew Shirvell soldiers in the U.S. Armed Forces (okay, that was awkward!), surging stock markets & rising corporate profits (good lord, Boehner's already crying!), federal spending freezes (OH NO, Boehner's booze tears are flooding the place!), something about how the schools in RED(!) China (gasp!) are soooo much better because they teach their students how to do MATH, not METH (nice try, though, Wasilla!), and teach them the necessary skills for success in the 21st century.

Like how to be a slutty (fake) Italian orange midget with low self-esteem and an IQ equivalent to one of the cheap plastic trinkets with a Made in China sign and an unsafe, unregulated amount of toxins we can't stop buying with money we don't have.

Ummm, quick let's see what else before Boehner has a total nic fit right in front of everyone!

Oh yeah, America, is going to WIN THE MORNING! AND THE FUTURE! Because America was founded on innovation and ideas, like a negro slave is worth 3/5 of a human (hey, don't blame me, blame the Constitution!), "clean coal technology" (because you can totally change the amount of carbon released by burning coal, amiright?), “renewable energy will create jobs” (at least 5-10 per person, scout's honor!), how investing in a high-speed rail system ("faster than flying—without the pat-down!") is more viable than the Republican plan of loading people into artillery and launching them cannonball style in the general direction of their desired location, and what to do about the Mexicans who live here (bomb them?). No, the president says! We need comprehensive immigration reform, even if a few bombs would be cheaper!

And most importantly Salmon jokes. Lots of 'em! Plucked fresh from the stream of Sarah Palin's consciousness by a single, fell swoop of her Mama Grizzly claw!

"The Interior Department is in charge of salmon while they're in fresh water, but the Commerce Department handles them when they're in saltwater," Obama said. "I hear it gets even more complicated once they're smoked."

Huh? Where's the punchline?? Oh, hahahahaha! I get it! All the impending layoffs and salary freezes and out-of-work staffers at the Commerce and Interior departments because of evil bureaucracy, government regulation, 'n deficits, 'n stuff! HAHAHAHA, that's hilarious!

Remember, America, we do BIG THINGS!

I mean, have you even seen the Starbucks Trenta? Hell, have you ever even measured some of the waistlines at a Glenn Beck rally??

Barack Obama's State of the Union: Put Up or Shut Up! Please??

Well folks, it's been one whole year since Barack Obama rode a wave of hope and goodwill to become America's first semi-colored president before disappointing us all with the harsh reality that he is not in fact Superman, and as such, does not have the magical ability to don a cape and instantly wipe away the world's woes with a single wave of his perfectly smooth hand.

Ha ha loser!

If you're not drunk, or in the process of voluntarily losing millions of brain cells, my condolences. You should be. Makes the whole State-of-the-Union thing that much more palatable. No one wants to watch Congress act like one big retarded wind-up doll for 60 never-ending minutes; try it sober and you'll understand what torture really is (aside from having ice-cold bottles of water poured over your head in a luxurious blindfold upside-down spa bath).

So what does President Barack Obama have to say for himself nearly one year after he FAILED to transform this nation from bankrupt Bushwhacked pariah to prosperous global piiiimp?

Surely, he'll will hit up all the key words and phrases we Americans expect, no, make that need to hear from our leader in order to feel good about about our obese, capitalist, consumer-driven way of life once again. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Words that make people burst from their seats in a wild surge of patriotic pride and affection, and also the intrinsic need to not be the one a-hole grimacing like a douchebag (think Joe Lieberman) when the President of the United States says things like "jobs creation" and "educating the youth."

Everyone, except Republicans, who only stand and cheer for phrases like "war," "terror," "Wall Street" and of course, their personal favorites, anything with the words "nuclear" or "profit" in it. You wanna see a Republican get really excited and instantly turn into an energizer bunny? Just whisper the words "oil" or "drill" into their ear and see what happens. They go nuts for it!

Unlike those Supreme statues in the front who wear their finest mumus and poker faces and DO NOT stand for anybody under any circumstances whatsoever.

Seriously, Obama can stand literally ten feet in front of the entire front-row of sitting Supreme Court Justices and call out them out for being the terrible 1,000 year old human beings that they are ('cept for that Soto chick he picked), and reversing a century of legal precedent allowing corporations and other special interests to spend--without limit--in our elections. Meaning Morgan Stanley (the investment bank) will now be able to spend the same amount as Stanley Morgan (the check-out guy at the local grocery store) to help decide the next U.S. president. Hooray!

And yet the fancy pants mannequins in the front row remain stoic and motionless, trying so very hard to not make any gestures or show the slightest trace of emotion, for fear their deep secret of being actual humans may be revealed.

Which isn't as easy as it sounds! Oh no, there goes Samuel Alito doing the opposite of "not making a gesture," by shaking his head, mouthing "not true, not true" in what can only be described as a desperate attempt to appeal to all those South Carolinians pining for another Joe Wilson-like hero with Tourettes to rescue America from these terrible NObama lies.

But, alas, those good old days are long gone, now that health care is dead and the economy is dead and Ted Kennedy is dead, and hope and change are as dead as the dickens and our miserable failure of a leader is forced to go before a gathering of hungry predators (Congress) to give some pathetic excuse about why it only took him 12 months to ruin the country when it took George W. Bush eight whole years to destroy America.

"At the beginning of the last decade, the year 2000, America had a budget surplus of over $200 billion. By the time I took office, we had a one-year deficit of over $1 trillion and projected deficits of $8 trillion over the next decade. Most of this was the result of not paying for two wars, two tax cuts, and an expensive prescription drug program...All this was before I walked in the door."

Whoa, whoa wait just a minute there, fellow! Are you implying that the presidency of George W. Bush Junior is to blame for the financial mess we're in? What a terribly impolite thing to say about the former president of these United States! How dare you even mention the great #43, let alone use something as RUDE and ELITIST as actual facts.

"Too many Americans have lost faith in our biggest institutions: our corporations, our media, and yes, our government...It's time to try something new: let's invest in our people without leaving them mountains of debt."

Hmmm, go on?

"By the time I'm finished speaking tonight, more Americans will have lost their coverage." Wooohooo!! Oh wait...that's a bad thing, right?

"Here's what I ask Congress, though: Don't walk away from reform. Not now. Not when we are so close. Let us find a way to come together and finish the job for the American people. Let's get it done."

Okay, now everyone cheer for America. And freedom! And diversity! And working together to solve problems and make America a better place! YAY!!!

Wonder where he's going with all this hippie-dippie, love your neighbor crazy talk?

"This year, I will work with Congress and our military to finally repeal the law that denies gay Americans the right to serve the country they love because of who they are. It's the right thing to do."

Arrrrggghhh! Oh no, not more freedom and equality sh*t like letting the gays also have a chance to die in war. It makes the military brass very uncomfortable and everyone knows their comfort is far more important than constitutional rights or having military personnel with the ability to translate Arabic into a civilized language like English. Heterosexual English, that is.

"From the day I took office, I've been told that addressing our larger challenges is too ambitious; such an effort would be too contentious...our political system is too gridlocked, and that we should just put things on hold for a while."

"You see, Washington has been telling us to wait for decades, even as the problems have grown worse...Well, I do not accept second place for the United States of America."

You hear that people? Silver is for losers like the Chinese or British. Gold is for winners like Glenn Beck and the rest of the Fox News team head over heels for the shiny metal of champions.

"I campaigned on the promise of change--change we can believe in, the slogan went. And right now, I know there are many Americans who aren't sure if they still believe we can change--or that I can deliver it."

"But remember this--I never suggested that change would be easy, or that I could do it alone. Democracy in a nation of 300 million people can be noisy and messy and complicated. And when you try to do big things and make big changes, it stirs passions and controversy."

"We have finished a difficult year. We have come through a difficult decade. But a new year has come...We don't quit. I don't quit. Let's seize this moment--to start anew, to carry the dream forward and to strengthen our union once more."

In other words, Democrats: thank you, and please continue trying to solve problems. Republicans: drop dead. Problem solved!

Now, that's change we can all believe in!