How Do I Love Thee America, Let Mitt Count The Ways...

You Know Who Else Mitt Loves? That Guy! (Oh Wait, That's A Mirror!)

Willard "Mitt" Romney is a lover of many things. Many, many generic things. He loves air, for instance. The way it effortlessly swirls around from place to place, filling up empty space without ever being noticed. The delicate way it fills your chest, pumping into your lungs. It just feels so right!

You know what else feels right? You do, America!

He loves everything about you. Your large, sturdy shape. The fearless way you shovel donut cheeseburgers down your throat, unswayed by death or diabetic coma. Your funny little houses with the wheels under them. Motor homes, if I have the lingo right. Gosh Bless 'em! The way you paint your frozen obese bodies and wear cheese on your head when cheering for sport. He can't get enough! What a country!

Want to know what else Mitt loves from the bottom of his totally relatable, totally human, non-robotic, billionaire everyman heart?

Via TPM:

He loves our land.

"I love our lands," he said. Lease it, rent it, own it, raze it, build it, bulldoze it, drill it, fill it, drain it, dry it,  there's nothing you can't do with land. Land is good, my friends! (P.S. Obama hates land and won't stop until we are floating around aimlessly, not a drop of terra firma to be found!).

He loves our people.

"I love our people," he said. Raise your hands in the air if you're white and got more than $1,000 dollars in your pocket!

He loves business.

"I love you," he told business leaders. He doesn't care what NOBAMA or the big bad gubmint says, corporations are people, my friend! Large, powerful, metal & steel-fortified, weather-resistant, amorphous people. Aesthetically pleasing on the outside, hollow and plastic on the inside. You know, just like Mitt.

He loves Michigan's lakes.

"I love the lakes," he said. Wait, but I thought it was land that was good?? LAND, remember??

He loves Michigan's inland lakes.

"There’s something very special here–the great lakes, but also all the little inland lakes that dot the parts of Michigan," he said. Let's call them good lakes. Not great, but decent enough. Oh, and also all the little fish that dot the parts of Michigan that are underwater. Not in the Detroit 'underwater' kind of way, either.

He loves the streets in Michigan.

"The streets are just right," he said. The way they go East and West and North and South and have painted yellow lines on them. And you should see the way all the vehicles move on them! Like butter, I tell ya! Besides, some of his best friends have streets named after them!

He loves the trees.

"You know, the trees are the right height," he said. Perfect for climbing. Or swinging. Or chopping down and making into other wonderful things, like, oh, I don't know, say, money. Unlike those giant red weirdos out in hippie-dippie Californication.

He loves cars.

"I love cars," he said. "I grew up totally in love with cars." And then he married Ann. Life is craaaaazy!

He loves the Constitution.

"I love our Constitution," he said. It had him at "We." By the time he gets to "The People," fuggedaboutit, he's already lost his shit!

He loves our freedoms.

"I love our freedoms," he said. Feels so liberating!

He loves hymns.

"I love the hymns of this nation," he said. Leave rock 'n roll to Obama and the kids. Al Green ain't got nothin' on Mitt!

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

Speaking of shining seas...

He loves the ocean.

"I love the ocean, too," he said. "I do love the ocean." But most of all when he's in his beloved Taxachusetts. If you got ocean in your yard and a yacht in your dock, say heck yeah! Eastern seaboard, what, what!

He loves water.

"I love water," he said. For drinking, bathing, swimming, and, of course, posthumously baptizing dead Jews and secretly converting them to Mormonism. You know, normal stuff.

Mitt for America! He just feels right! After all, Americans do have a weakness for white, starchy, artificial things high on taste, but devoid of all substance.

[images via Shutterstock]

Mississippi: Where Magnolias, Mud Pie, & Morbid Obesity Mingle

Grab a twinkie and fire up the deep fryer, America!

For all the talk about how the U.S. is declining in this, or sagging in that, or losing its competitive edge to some increasingly industrial, infuriatingly industrious, overpopulated country in Asia, you can bet your bottom badonkadonk dollar the mighty red, white 'n blue still ranks at the top of the lard heap in at least one thing: morbid obesity.

Take that Michelle Obama!

And much like the civil war, sky-high illiteracy rates, falling graduation rates, rising unemployment rates, declining standards of living, rampant discrimination, constitutional bans on gay marriage, and widespread inequality, the nation once again has the South to thank.

Woohoo!

According to a new public health report by the Trust for America's Health and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, the number of obese U.S. adults rose in 16 states in the last year, helping push obesity rates in a dozen states above 30 percent and one-fifth of the adult population precariously close to Double Down Kentucky Fried Death.

Taking the cake mud pie is none other than Mississippi, whose adult obesity rate of 34.4 percent is more than enough to secure it a top spot as the fattest state in the union. On the other end of the spectrum is naturally hippie dippie Colorado, whose skinny li'l hemp wearing populace is too busy eating granola (or is it being granola?) and skiing down mountains to join the 49 other United States of Clogged Arteries, all with adult obesity rates above 20 percent.

Still, that's a lot of fat people! But even scarier than a bunch of sweaty, obese people squeezing into tank tops and speedos is how the numbers are rising (almost as fast as their cholesterol and/or insurance rates!).

"Today, the state with the lowest adult obesity rate would have had the highest rate in 1995," said Jeff Levi, executive director of the Trust for America's Health.

Chew on that, people! But please for the love of God, stop swallowing.

"If we're going to reverse the obesity trends, willpower alone won't do it. We're going to have to make healthier choices easier for Americans," Levi said.

Ummm, put down the fork?? To binge or not to binge, that is the question.

Oh, and there's also this.

Over the past 15 years, seven states have doubled their rate of obesity and 10 states have doubled their rate of diabetes.

And all 50 states have doubled their meat patty:cheese ratio, which may or not be relevant, but hey who's counting?

Since 1995, obesity rates have risen fastest in Oklahoma, Alabama and Tennessee, while Colorado, Connecticut and Washington, D.C., had the slowest increases.

Must be from all that elitist arugula.

Adults from racial and ethnic minority groups, as well as those with less education and lower incomes, continue to have the highest overall obesity rates.

Although, on the bright side, they'll probably soon all die of a massive heart attack anyway, so at least Medicare costs will go down. If not, a nice triple thick chocolate shake from McD's should do the trick!

Plus, if you think about it, all that fat is a prime source of rich untapped domestic energy, which if extracted and converted properly, could probably fuel this great nation for generations to come.

Who needs British Petroleum when you've got American Lard Ass?

Welcome to a new greasy utopia of energy independence...From freedom fries to freedom!

WANTED: 

For Theft Of Hot Bodies

A Composite Sketch of the Suspect Provided by Mississippi State Police

The State Of The Union Is Strong Like...Smoked Salmon & Adult-Onset Diabetes!

Oooh, America, the excitement is in the air! Or maybe it's just the toxic greenhouse gases slowly asphyxiating Mother Earth now that the Obama Administration up and fired (finally!) its only real environmentalist, fierce tree-hugging hippie, now former White House energy adviser, Carol M. Browner, because who the hell needs a planet anyway?

Certainly not America, the greatest, most perfectest, most star spanglediest, God-blessed nation to ever grace the face of the Earth in the history of mankind!

This is an absolute, indisputable fact. Barack Obama knows this, of course, because he is the President of this most blessed union, and as such, is uniquely equipped with the ability to judge these sorts of matters.

And, turns out, a whopping 92% of his fellow 'mericans agree with him! They also approve of his special State of the Union speech about how America rocks the world even though we sometimes shoot our passionate, young elected officials in the head with high-capacity semi automatic weapons by accident in parched desert states where discrimination, bigotry and John McCain reign supreme.

It's not our fault! It's all the rhetoric's fault. Just ask Sarah Palin's crosshairs map or Sharron Angle's 2nd Amendment remedies! They'll tell you!

Anyhoo, where were we? Ah yes, America is the #1 bestest, most awesomest country in the whole wide world because of Sputnik (OMG, WAIT A MINUTE, THAT'S SOCIALISM, YOU COMMIE BASTARD!!!), and constantly re-inventing ourselves (ooooh like Madonna?) except through science and technology (he probably just means Facebook!), not cone-shaped bras and bad 80s pop music or whatever else makes esteemed Members of Congress sit or stand or applaud or fist pump or cringe or inappropriately shriek "You Lie!" from their respective locations in the back of the room.

Like all the really amazing-sounding SOTU stuff that makes Americans (who aren't dressed like their favorite cup of Earl Grey) feel all warm 'n caffeinated inside even if it doesn't mean anything, at least not in terms of actual governance.

Things like, say, job creation (yay!), a competitive economy (oops, think a couple GOP veins just exploded!), gross gays getting the right to shave their heads and get shot in remote Muslim countries in the desert like the rest of the 100% straight-as-Andrew Shirvell soldiers in the U.S. Armed Forces (okay, that was awkward!), surging stock markets & rising corporate profits (good lord, Boehner's already crying!), federal spending freezes (OH NO, Boehner's booze tears are flooding the place!), something about how the schools in RED(!) China (gasp!) are soooo much better because they teach their students how to do MATH, not METH (nice try, though, Wasilla!), and teach them the necessary skills for success in the 21st century.

Like how to be a slutty (fake) Italian orange midget with low self-esteem and an IQ equivalent to one of the cheap plastic trinkets with a Made in China sign and an unsafe, unregulated amount of toxins we can't stop buying with money we don't have.

Ummm, quick let's see what else before Boehner has a total nic fit right in front of everyone!

Oh yeah, America, is going to WIN THE MORNING! AND THE FUTURE! Because America was founded on innovation and ideas, like a negro slave is worth 3/5 of a human (hey, don't blame me, blame the Constitution!), "clean coal technology" (because you can totally change the amount of carbon released by burning coal, amiright?), “renewable energy will create jobs” (at least 5-10 per person, scout's honor!), how investing in a high-speed rail system ("faster than flying—without the pat-down!") is more viable than the Republican plan of loading people into artillery and launching them cannonball style in the general direction of their desired location, and what to do about the Mexicans who live here (bomb them?). No, the president says! We need comprehensive immigration reform, even if a few bombs would be cheaper!

And most importantly Salmon jokes. Lots of 'em! Plucked fresh from the stream of Sarah Palin's consciousness by a single, fell swoop of her Mama Grizzly claw!

"The Interior Department is in charge of salmon while they're in fresh water, but the Commerce Department handles them when they're in saltwater," Obama said. "I hear it gets even more complicated once they're smoked."

Huh? Where's the punchline?? Oh, hahahahaha! I get it! All the impending layoffs and salary freezes and out-of-work staffers at the Commerce and Interior departments because of evil bureaucracy, government regulation, 'n deficits, 'n stuff! HAHAHAHA, that's hilarious!

Remember, America, we do BIG THINGS!

I mean, have you even seen the Starbucks Trenta? Hell, have you ever even measured some of the waistlines at a Glenn Beck rally??

Woohoo, America! Celebrate 4th Of July Knowing 74% Of Your Fellow Patriots Know Our Humiliation Of The British Started 234 Years Before This Year’s World Cup!

Howdy America! It is that blissful time of year when Americans of all stripes red, white, and blue stripes only gather together to stuff burgers 'n brats in their pie holes, throw back some ice cold brewskies, and watch multi-colored pyrotechnic lights explode in the night sky for freedom.

And what better time to show the world the kind of bright shining (mental) stars we, Americans, truly are than posing the incredibly difficult, brain-busting question: "From which country did the United States win its independence?" on our favoritest, freedomiest Fourth of July holiday?

Surely, the pollsters over at Marist University (along with the rest of the arugula-eating lamestream media elites) were giggling with delight at the hilarious prospect of fat, patriotic jumpsuit-wearing 'mericans with mustard dribbling down their chins actually coming up with a coherent answer that doesn't make us want to rip our hair from our scalps and/or put an American-made steel bullet right between our sparkling blue eyes.

But lo and behold, turns out a whopping 74% of Americans, or three-quarters of all citizens, actually know the U.S. declared its independence from...wait for it...Great Britain. In 1776, no less!

Ugh, so much for the whole "America is a bunch of dumb freaks" angle!

But seriously, SEVENTY-FOUR PERCENT is practically inconceivable considering most folks can't name anything that doesn't involve a side of super-sized fries or deep fried Twinkies.

Wooohooo! USA! USA! USA!

Sure, 26% failed to correctly identify Great Britain as America's colonial master and the country the United States fought an eight-year war with to gain its independence, but still!

I mean, to begin with a good 10 percent of the population probably can't spell their own name, let alone name which colonial Motherland America had to overthrow for the freedom to export freedom-fried potatoes to poor, oil-rich nations throughout the world. Pandora??

Let's say another 5% (at least) are just plain ol' crazy people who think America was founded somewhere around 75 million years ago when the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy Xenu brought billions of humans to Earth, stacked them in volcanoes, and blew them up using hydrogen bombs or maybe even Fourth of July fireworks. No one knows for sure.

And it's probably safe to assume the remaining 11% of respondents were pissed that some stupid pollster from some no-name "University" interrupted them during dinner to ask them a single, asinine question and answered “the United States won its independence from the country of 'My Big Old Butt'" before promptly slamming down the receiver.

But, other than this, everyone else got the question right!


This is no small feat, my fellow Americans!

For the most part, Americans hate being well-read, shudder at hoity-toity academic things like gross books, and take pride in being ignorant dunces, who know nothing of the world unless it has the word sea in front of it.

Yet, by some incredible twist of fate, the U.S of A has somehow gotten most of its comatose citizenry to learn (and retain!) a historical factoid that doesn't have to do with Snooki or LOL cats doing something hilariously human-like such as skateboard or play the piano. HAHAHAHAHA, just thinking about leaves me in stitches!

So, America, the next time you see drunken middle-aged white men with beer bellies hanging out of their jeans trying to figure out how to light something (be it a pocket rocket or Webber grill) this Fourth o' July weekend, instead of getting depressed or cynical at the state of our glorious, saturated fat-clogged brain challenged nation, think of this poll and let yourself swell with patriotic pride instead.

And wave that flag with your head up and chin held high.

Just watch out for the still sizzling fireworks and polish sausages. Those babies burn and we don't need flaming flags illuminating America's backyards from coast to coast.

That would be gay and that is, of course, the complete opposite of America!

And P.S., for that 26% who don't know, America won its independence from a once-powerful land called Old Country Buffet.

Comrades Barry & Medvedev Share Burgers 'N Fries, While Russia Orders A Side Of Secret Soviet Spies

Ooooooh, spies! And not just any old spies but real, live scary-sexy RUSSIAN SPIES right here in the American-as-apple-pie posh neighborhoods of the elitist, arugula-eating Northeast.

Soviet comrades turned latte-sippin' professional yuppies in American suburbia. Welcome to the new Desperate Housewives of New York, New Jersey, Virginia, and Massachusetts, Ruski Spy Edition!

An F.B.I. investigation that began at least seven years ago culminated with the arrest on Sunday of 10 people in Yonkers, Boston and northern Virginia. The documents detailed what the authorities called the “Illegals Program,” an ambitious, long-term effort by the S.V.R., the successor to the Soviet K.G.B., to plant Russian spies in the United States to gather information and recruit more agents.  

Oh no-zees! All this super secret spy stuff on the heels of Barack Obama and Russian Puppet President Dmitri Medvedev clinking non-poison laced champagne glasses, and even more recently, Obama treating Medvedev to a perfectly proper, greasy, fat-filled American lunch date at Ray's Hell Burger, where the two casually munched on good, patriotic meat patties topped with melted cheese and tucked (stealthily?) between two, white starchy sesame buns, smothered in their condiments of choice (cheddar cheese, onion, lettuce, tomato and pickles for O, cheddar, onion, jalapenos and mushrooms for M). Hmmm, wonder why no mustard (gas?) for either. Could be significant...the CIA is probably already on it.

Things went so well, they even shared an order of fries, proving without a doubt that the two are officially BFF!

Or so we thought! Until DA-DA-DA-DA-DUM, the Justice Department drops an atomic bomb on the world, announcing the break up of a major Russian spy ring operating right near Ray's Hell Burger, as well as cozy, upscale communities in New York, and even along the bustling shores of New Jersey's favoritest export, a glowing orange dwarf named Snooki!

Hooray, the Cold War is back: HOTTTTTT and awesomer than ever!

The AP reports that eight of the ten were arrested for "allegedly carrying out long-term, deep cover assignments in the United States on behalf of Russia," while two others were "allegedly participating in the same Russian intelligence program within the United States."

One message from bosses in Moscow, in awkward English, gave the most revealing account of the agents’ assignment. “You were sent to USA for long-term service trip,” it said. “Your education, bank accounts, car, house etc. — all these serve one goal: fulfill your main mission, i.e. to search and develop ties in policymaking circles and send intels [intelligence reports] to C[enter].”

And even though they looked like the hotties and housewives on Wisteria Lane, that doesn't mean these guys didn't act like crazy, hard-ass Russian 007 agents when the neighbors tucked in for the night, promptly after the pots 'n pans were washed and dried, once the cover of darkness was upon them.

Criminal complaints filed in Federal District Court in Manhattan on Monday read like an old-fashioned cold war thriller any episode from Season 1-6 of Desperate Housewives:

Spies swapping identical orange bags as they brushed past one another in a train station stairway. An identity borrowed from a dead Canadian, forged passports, messages sent by shortwave burst transmission or in invisible ink. A money cache buried for years in a field in upstate New York.

They also used cyber-age technology, embedding coded texts in ordinary-looking images posted on the Internet, and communicated by having two agents with laptops containing special software pass casually as messages flashed between them.

The spies were so embedded in U.S. culture (and each other!) that they even acted just like regular, boring preppy white suburbanites, pairing off to make whole yuppie families complete with a few kiddies, well-manicured lawns, and a large white picket fence. We're talking, the whole nine yards!

But not even super-secret agent couples are immune to the pitfalls of following the same dreary, chrysanthemum-lined path as so many other young, upwardly mobile professionals who give up their hip city apartments for the perceived American dream of the good life in a hoity-toity, fancy house in the 'burbs:

As the years went by, that arrangement sometimes led to friction, the complaint said, citing an acrimonious exchange of encrypted messages between a pair of alleged agents living under the names Richard and Cynthia Murphy. The couple, who have allegedly operated in the United States since the mid-1990s, decided in 2008 to move from an apartment in Hoboken to a house in Montclair, N.J. — leading to an argument over whether they or the S.V.R. would own it.

The agents eventually dropped the argument, writing: “We are under the impression that C. views our ownership of the house as a deviation from the original purpose of our mission here. We’d like to assure you that we do remember what it is. From our perspective, purchase of the house was solely a natural progression of our prolonged stay here. It was a convenient way to solve the housing issue, plus to ‘do as the Romans do’ in a society that values home ownership.”

C'mon Moscow! Did your really expect them to pass up the chance to be an actual U.S. homeowner with  fancy-$hmancy mortgages. Does Vlad have any idea how difficult that is to do, in this terrible borrowing climate??

Almost as hard as clandestinely operating Russian spies masquerading as Mr. and Mrs. Smith for the last 15 years!

"The magnitude, and the fact that so many illegals were involved, was a shock to me,” said Oleg D. Kalugin, a former K.G.B. general and ex-Soviet spy who now is an American citizen living in Washington. “It’s a return to the old days, but even in the worst years of the cold war, I think there were no more than 10 illegals in the U.S., probably fewer.”

OMG, and that was like even before Jan Brewer's brilliant 'round up the darkies plan! Quick, someone get the governor on the line, and tell her they need Aryanzona's "Adiós Amigos" law removing the undesirables from their neck of the woods. But, unlike in her parched home state, these illegals aren't typically chocolatey-hued and packed into pickup trucks, wearing sombreros and blasting La Bamba.

But national security stuff aside, what the hell were they actually doing this whole, freakin' time, other than exchanging secret IM's using free wifi at local coffeehouses in their hush hush quest to discover what drives the American elitist power structure, like homeowning?

Hmmm, who knows? But by that token, what the hell have you people been doing these last 15 years, besides letting this beautiful, wondrous country turn into a secret Commie playground for Boris and Natasha?

If only the 11 spies had grown morbidly obese, thrown on ratty, torn Jesus Saves t-shirts, covered themselves in tattoos, run around waving swastika-peppered handmade signs, and constantly threatened to kill the terrible black Socialist president and/or blow up the DEMONcrats in Congress, nobody would have ever been the wiser.

I mean George W. Bush peered into Putin's freakin' soul and he still didn't learn anything.

Lest, of course, they started winning gold medals in figure skating at every Winter Olympics, nuking oil spills in the Gulf, and/or shooting the (Arctic) breeze while shooting wild beasts with Sarah Palin from her famous front porch in Wasilla.

Then maybe people would have started getting suspicious.

Or Nyet.

Why Can't Obama Get Shoes--Not Nobels--Tossed At Him Like A Normal US President?

OMG, did you hear the terrible, horrible Earth-shattering news? No, no not Iran launching nuclear warheads or deadly floods in the Philippines, but something far, far worse: Barack Hussein Obama has won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize!

On this darkest of days, the day the Earth stood still, Barack Hussein Obama won the peace prize and Republicans lost their minds (or what little bit remained) all because the dreadful Nobel commission had the audacity to honor an American President for wanting to do something other than bomb the hell out of poor, oil-rich Muslim countries.

"Only very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama captured the world's attention and given its people hope for a better future," the Nobel Committee said, adding that the decision was "unanimous and came with ease." Ha, like they know anything.

Chairman of the House Foreign Affairs Committee Rep. Howard Berman (D-Calif.) explains that the award is a "recognition of President Obama’s work to strengthen international cooperation. It validates the president's approach to tough trans-national challenges such as global warming and the spread of nuclear arms. And it celebrates his steady efforts to improve America’s standing around the world."

Or in the words of one State Department spokesman, "Gives us a sense of momentum when the United States has accolades tossed its way rather than shoes."

At least the Republicans know it's never a good idea to honor the leader of the free world for his efforts to solve complex global problems, like working toward a world free of nuclear weapons and giving people hope for a better future.

Well it just doesn't get any worse than this (except of course if America had actually succeeded in bringing the Olympics home) because having the world suddenly respect us is just too big a burden to bear--and the Republicans for one, want nothing to do with such things. They're much more comfortable when the world burns effigies of their leaders not honors them with coveted international awards.

"The Republican Party has thrown in its lot with the terrorists – the Taliban and Hamas this morning – in criticizing the President for receiving the Nobel Peace prize," DNC Communications Director Brad Woodhouse said in a statement.

"Republicans cheered when America failed to land the Olympics and now they are criticizing the President of the United States for receiving the Nobel Peace prize – an award he did not seek but that is nonetheless an honor in which every American can take great pride – unless of course you are the Republican Party. The 2009 version of the Republican Party has no boundaries, has no shame and has proved that they will put politics above patriotism at every turn. It's no wonder only 20 percent of Americans admit to being Republicans anymore – it's an embarrassing label to claim."

Almost as embarrassing as being an American the world actually respects. **Shudder.**

Fox News' Fave Man-Child Glenn Beck Hits The Big TIME!

Oooooh, golden-haired angel of truth Glenn Beck has landed on the cover of TIME magazine!! Do you understand what this means people? It means the true patriots of America have won! But even more importantly, it means everything the man's ever said is totally brilliant and 100 percent true.

Sure, the feature story is titled "Mad Men: Is Glenn Beck Bad For America?" and questions whether having a pudgy, unstable man who sports a buzz cut and weeps on prime-time television as the spokesman of the conservative movement is the best move. But what really matters here is that Glenn Beck is gracing newsstands and coffee tables around the nation. Yay!

"As melodrama, it's thumping good stuff," author David Von Drehle writes. "But as politics, it's sort of a train wreck - at once powerful, spellbinding and uncontrolled."

Von Drehle adds:

Extreme talk, especially as practiced by a genuine talent like Beck, squeezes maximum profit from a relatively small, deeply invested audience...The more the host is criticized, the more committed the original audience becomes. And the more committed the audience, the bigger target it presents to the rant industry on the other side of the spectrum... How can we trust each other, though, when the integrated economy of ranters and their delighted-to-be-outraged critics are such a model of profitability? A microphone, a camera and a polarizing host is all it takes to get the money moving.

Who needs trust when you've got a 45-year-old jokester and recovering alcoholic Mormon convert with ADHD named Glenn Beck to show you the way?

And the man is on a roll. Over the last month, the tireless efforts of this blue-eyed Messiah helped bring down one of the president's evil green jobs czars, motivated thousands of conservatives to turn peaceful town hall debates into Nazi rallies and helped make the September 12 march on Washington a shining Teabagger success and prime example of everything that's demented about this country.

Which is why it is so great for society that a citizen as genuine and wise as Glenn Beck be rewarded for his patriotic efforts calling the President a racist and getting people to scream like madmen by having his adorable mug grace the cover of one of America's most prominent news magazines.

Talk about milestones! Now, not only is it possible for a black man to be elected President of the US of A, it is also possible for a middle-aged man with the intelligence of a retarded monkey to stick out his tongue on the cover of TIME and still be taken seriously by an entire political movement.

I guess America really is the land of opportunity!

Obama Declares Jihad On America By Wishing Muslims A Happy Ramadan

Oh no Barry, anything but this! Please tell me you did not make a videotape offering "best wishes to Muslims in America and around the world and wishing them 'Ramadan Kareem' on behalf of the American people."

The last thing you're supposed to do as President of America is give people more reason to believe you're in fact a secret Muslim terrorist, which is exactly what saying Muslim-y things like Ramadan Kareem does. As does explaining the significance of Ramadan to non-Muslim viewers or talking about Muslim culture in any way other than calling them a bunch of terrorists.

So basically rather than reassuring the jittery citizens of this great nation that their President is not a secret migrant Kenyan who praises Allah instead of Jesus, fifty million white grandmothers in America are instead opening their forwarded e-mails for the day right now and freaking the f**k out!

Sure Obama makes sure to mention his "own Christian faith" and the common values shared by all people regardless of religion, as if that really matters when the next words out of his mouth are some crazy Arabic phrase meaning "May Allah make your Ramadan observance generous." Has dear leader forgotten his middle name is Hussein and what country he lives in or something?

Obama then rambles on about what he considers issues of importance to the Muslim world (boring!), the universal rights of all people (yawn...), peace and security for Palestinians and Israelis (zzzzz...), building strong partnerships (yada yada) and seeking common ground despite our differences. Blah blah blah.

After what seems like forever, Obama finally concludes his Kumbaya video to the Muslim world by emphasizing his Cairo message of seeking common ground, the importance of listening to one another, and reiterating his "commitment to a new beginning between America and Muslims around the world."

"May God's peace be upon you."

This guy sounds like a total Nazi.

Not Even The Gecko Would Be Caught Dead On Glenn Beck's Program

It's hard to believe that every once in a while in this hedonist playground we call America, terrible and offensive behavior is not rewarded with book deals and talk shows, but actually brings with it certain consequences.

Like in the case of Fox News host Glenn Beck, who experienced first-hand the sort of financial penalty that comes with being an insane racist shrieking nutjob: advertisers flee from you like the god damn bubonic plague.

Big, money-filled companies like Geico, Proctor & Gamble, Progressive Insurance, and Sargento have all yanked their advertisements from everyone's favorite blue-eyed commentator's nightly dose of racist ranting and nonsensical blather known as the Glenn Beck Program.

Apparently, some thin-skinned advertisers have this crazy idea that associating their product with a guy who accuses the president of not only hating the white half of himself but three-fourths of America too, may not be so good for business after all.

According to Northwestern professor and marketing expert John Greening, "Beck's demagoguery crossed the line of the socially expected taste level, and I can't think of a company on the planet who wants to be a part of that conversation. It is a no-brainer to pull your ads."

Whether his show survives "depends on Beck's level of contrition or how he explains it. But unless he does something to rehabilitate himself, he has probably crossed the line into obscurity."

Don't be silly! The good people of America will never tire of their golden-haired angel of truth. The real patriots of this nation will continue tuning in every night to hear the brilliant analysis and unflinching commentary of Fox News' shining star and messenger to the people, Glenn Beck.

All 1% percent of them.

Barack Obama Celebrates His "Birthday"

Happy Birthday Barry, that is if you were even born and not immaculately conceived in the town of Bethlehem some two thousand years ago.

If it is indeed true that Barack Hussein Obama was actually birthed from the womb of his white Kansas mother as he claims and not hatched from a primordial egg in outer space, the President of America will celebrate his 48th year of consciousness today.

He'll spend the high holy day in closed door meetings at the White House where he will plot with the entire Democratic Senate caucus how best to turn America into the Soviet Union and whether he wants chocolate or vanilla birthday cake this year. Ugh, decisions!

Hell, maybe this year Barry will even go out on a limb and go with a nice mix. Marble cake anyone?

Feeling The Heat: G-8 Leaders Agree To Slow Down Assault On Mother Earth

OMG! The United States and the other seven richest economies responsible for turning the world into a CO2-filled, polar bear-less wasteland have finally agreed to stop their lucrative global assault on Mother Earth. Sort of.

For the first time ever, leaders from the Group of Eight industrialized countries agreed to the goal? of keeping the world's average temperature from rising more than 2C (3.6F). Yeah!!

However, any hopes for an international agreement to slash Earth-murdering greenhouse gas emissions by 80 percent by 2050 were scrapped by China and India's refusal to help the atmosphere by hurting their own precious, growing economies.

Despite the mixed results, the latest deal--made possible by America's change in stance since electing someone with a brain to be president instead of a guy it'd be fun to have a beer with--was hailed by leaders as a historic moment in the global fight to save the planet from certain man-made doom!

Just ask British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. He's as excited as an English dude gets!

“Today in Italy we have laid the foundations for a Copenhagen deal that is ambitious, fair and effective. The change from where we were two, three, four years ago is significant. The world has now agreed that the scientific evidence on climate change is compelling.”

In other words, homosexuality, abortion, and Jews are officially off the hook...for now.

Texas Threatens To Secede; America Offers To Help Pack Bags

Okay, so Texas is all giddy-upped over the idea of succeeding from this godless wasteland, and the rest of America couldn't be more thrilled!

Sure, we'll miss the alarmingly high rates of illiteracy, poverty, violent crime, and fashion victims, not to mention, being the undisputed world leader in executions, but somehow we will find the will to carry on.

If there is one thing us Commies in Obamerica understand it's that sometimes the whole isn't greater than its parts. Such a strong, independent entity like Texas can't be expected to conform to silly things like the Constitution, Democracy, or the rule of law. That's for the other 49 pussy states to deal with.

In the meantime, Texas, godspeed! We wish you the best of luck. And don't worry about us, we'll just have to get our fix for Tex-Mex and douchebag politicians elsewhere.

New Mexico, Oklahoma, we're looking at you.

Who Needs Action When You Got Words?

In his first prime-time speech as president, Barack Obama will depart from the usual foreign policy focus to deliver a sobering assessment of the nation's economic crisis, including details of his socialist financial rescue plan.

But unlike his predecessors, Obama also plans to "treat the American people like adults, and share the truth with them about where we are and where we need to go."

Ugh. Who wants the truth when you can have lies? You think we want to hear all about how we've been living beyond our means for years and now our country is flat broke and how it's going to take a lot of hard-work and sacrifice to make things better?

Well we don't.

We want to hear all about how the mighty US of A is the best, most awesome country in the world with an endless supply of cash money to do whatever we want. Like start wars so we can shock and awe everyone with our remarkable power.

Or give disgraced CEO's millions in bonuses while their company collapses because we're America. And America is rich. And the people? Well, it doesn't get any more swell than these tremendous citizens of humanity.

But since bummer-bones Barry apparently prefers to see America's glass as half-empty, we're going to have look elsewhere for a little confidence boost.

Luckily we have Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, the GOP's rising star and potential 2012 presidential candidate, to deliver the Republican response to Obama's soul-crushing speech.

Unlike our pessimistic president, Jindal won't ruin our lovely evening with a realistic approach to the situation and inconvenient truths like how "our nation is facing a crisis we may not be able to reverse."

He'll just lie to us instead. Feels so much better that way.