Mississippi: Where Magnolias, Mud Pie, & Morbid Obesity Mingle

Grab a twinkie and fire up the deep fryer, America!

For all the talk about how the U.S. is declining in this, or sagging in that, or losing its competitive edge to some increasingly industrial, infuriatingly industrious, overpopulated country in Asia, you can bet your bottom badonkadonk dollar the mighty red, white 'n blue still ranks at the top of the lard heap in at least one thing: morbid obesity.

Take that Michelle Obama!

And much like the civil war, sky-high illiteracy rates, falling graduation rates, rising unemployment rates, declining standards of living, rampant discrimination, constitutional bans on gay marriage, and widespread inequality, the nation once again has the South to thank.

Woohoo!

According to a new public health report by the Trust for America's Health and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, the number of obese U.S. adults rose in 16 states in the last year, helping push obesity rates in a dozen states above 30 percent and one-fifth of the adult population precariously close to Double Down Kentucky Fried Death.

Taking the cake mud pie is none other than Mississippi, whose adult obesity rate of 34.4 percent is more than enough to secure it a top spot as the fattest state in the union. On the other end of the spectrum is naturally hippie dippie Colorado, whose skinny li'l hemp wearing populace is too busy eating granola (or is it being granola?) and skiing down mountains to join the 49 other United States of Clogged Arteries, all with adult obesity rates above 20 percent.

Still, that's a lot of fat people! But even scarier than a bunch of sweaty, obese people squeezing into tank tops and speedos is how the numbers are rising (almost as fast as their cholesterol and/or insurance rates!).

"Today, the state with the lowest adult obesity rate would have had the highest rate in 1995," said Jeff Levi, executive director of the Trust for America's Health.

Chew on that, people! But please for the love of God, stop swallowing.

"If we're going to reverse the obesity trends, willpower alone won't do it. We're going to have to make healthier choices easier for Americans," Levi said.

Ummm, put down the fork?? To binge or not to binge, that is the question.

Oh, and there's also this.

Over the past 15 years, seven states have doubled their rate of obesity and 10 states have doubled their rate of diabetes.

And all 50 states have doubled their meat patty:cheese ratio, which may or not be relevant, but hey who's counting?

Since 1995, obesity rates have risen fastest in Oklahoma, Alabama and Tennessee, while Colorado, Connecticut and Washington, D.C., had the slowest increases.

Must be from all that elitist arugula.

Adults from racial and ethnic minority groups, as well as those with less education and lower incomes, continue to have the highest overall obesity rates.

Although, on the bright side, they'll probably soon all die of a massive heart attack anyway, so at least Medicare costs will go down. If not, a nice triple thick chocolate shake from McD's should do the trick!

Plus, if you think about it, all that fat is a prime source of rich untapped domestic energy, which if extracted and converted properly, could probably fuel this great nation for generations to come.

Who needs British Petroleum when you've got American Lard Ass?

Welcome to a new greasy utopia of energy independence...From freedom fries to freedom!

WANTED: 

For Theft Of Hot Bodies

A Composite Sketch of the Suspect Provided by Mississippi State Police