Read My Lips. No New Texans!
It is no secret that God has been keeping all the rain to himself (mastery of the universe sure makes a deity thirsty!) and shooting fire and brimstone at the morality-crazed wingnuts in the American South like some wild, hormone-crazed, undersexed teenager furiously firing BB pellets at empty beer cans in the backyard.
This, of course, has left wingnuts a little confused. Particularly, Republican governor wingnuts, whose idea of showing leadership in times of crisis usually consists of getting down on both knees to
Like current preacher-in-chief and possible commander-in-chief, Governor Rick Perry of Texas, who already successfully quenched the parched landscape and burning bushes of Texas by praying to the Big Man upstairs to make it rain, while simultaneously praying to the Big Bad gubmint to make it rain dolla dolla bills like Pacman Jones at a strip club.
I mean, what else should the elected leader of a state do to stem the raging wildfires and endless drought plaguing the state? Admit global warming is a real, serious threat that humans have the power to make better or worse? Start actually adhering to the Environmental Protection Agency's regulations of planet-warming emissions like some elitist science-loving pussy?
Aww, hell no! Not over his burnt, sweating hands! Why, it would be un-American! And certainly, un-Texas like!
C'mon, he's not an idiot! He'll do what any responsible individual facing unprecedented challenges from both nature and culture (gay people), and hold a modern-day tent revival called "The Response," inviting Christians to pray for solutions to all of America's problems. Like say black Godless Socialists in the White House...
Slated for August 6th (day of reckoning?), Rick Perry's historic all-day Pray-n-Fast will take place in Houston and be "a non-denominational, apolitical Christian prayer meeting" where "people of all ages, races, backgrounds and Christian denominations will be in attendance to proclaim Jesus as Savior and pray for America."
So come on down to Reliant Stadium, but make sure to leave your Muslim prayer rugs and Jewish stars at home because this Prayerpalooza is all inclusive, so long as you have Jesus Christ in your heart and a glock 19mm in your hand.
From The Response website:
"We believe that America is in a state of crisis. Not just politically, financially or morally, but because we are a nation that has not honored God in our successes or humbly called on Him in our struggles. According to the Bible, the answer to a nation in such crisis is to gather in humility and repentance and ask God to intervene."
Since the actual elected leaders apparently don't know how to solve shit.
Yes, it is high time to turn to a "greater power," and by greater power we don't mean the governor, just someone who has some authority or perhaps even a single good idea to help people out of catastrophe, which unless it involves shooting coyotes with laser-sighted pistols, is clearly not Rick Perry.
Hate to say it, but ever consider He's just not that into you??
Besides, severe drought and raging wildfires are one thing. But asking the good people of Texas to abstain from stuffing their mouths for one whole day?
That would take a miracle!