Ann Romney Knows There's Nothing Stiff About Mitt, At Least From The Waist Down

Oh Ann. When not driving around in a "couple'a Cadillacs" or saying oblivious, tone-deaf rich lady things to the American people, like how she doesn't "feel rich" (or anything, really), Mittens' delightful, faux impoverished wife enjoys ruffling a few feathers, so long as they're the finest down, exceedingly rare, and prohibitively expensive to anyone not married to a Mormon finance millionaire former governor turned presidential candidate.

Like when she is asked about Mitt's unfortunate tendency to act like a tragically uncool, improperly programmed robot obsessed with tree height not poor people's plight, and awkwardly belting out off-key versions of "America the Beautiful" every time the camera rolls, and ends up inadvertantly making a hilarious sexytime joke about his apparently flaccid, viagra-starved penis instead.

Rarrrrr, easy there Ann tiger!

Wow, these two! Mitt & Ann are like a political, married, boring Mormon Abbot and Costello yukking it up on the election trail. The hilarity that comes out of their mouths is pure gold.

Unlike their hearts.

So what if Ann Romney wants to unzip Mitt's HUGE personality and let every inch of his MorMAN stand proud?

Guess that explains why he's always talking about wood stumps being the right height.

His Upper Lip Isn't The Only Thing Stiff, My Friends!

[image via Gawker]

Billionaire Everyman Mitt Romney Strangely Morphs Into A Poor, Southern Gent When Speaking To Crowd In Mississippi

Poor Mittens Romney. It's trying to act like a human being, but it just doesn't know how. Hell, the more it tries to act like an actual carbon-based, oxygen breathing entity, not futuristic cyborg Terminator Mormonator sent to terrorize humanity, the more we are all convinced it is in fact just a newer, more advanced, shapeshifting T-1000 sent back in time to kill Barack Obama and annihilate the human race in a nuclear holocaust.

And if that sounds terrifying, just look at ol' Mittens try to get in good with a crowd of Southern voters in Mississippi by explaining, naturally, how he too has this weird disease, (think it's called "being Southern"), which he caught from his unfortunate Mississippi-born bodyguard, Garrett Jackson, whose birth below the Mason-Dixon line must have somehow infected Mitt.

"He is now turning me into an, I don't know, an unofficial Southerner," Romney said. "And I'm learning to say 'y'all' and I like grits. Strange things are happening to me."

It's as if he's, gasp, one of us. A real, live (multi-millionaire) boyhick (from the North). The kind that "learns to to say y'all" and enjoys popular peasant foods like grits, because that's how they roll in the dirty dirty South, amiright?

Or maybe that's just Stage I of the rare disease known as "Unofficial Southerner Syndrome." Give it a few days. In no time at all, he'll become morbidly obese, develop type II diabetes, sport a fanny pack with a Confederate flag on it, and swing on a front porch reminiscing about secession and how the "trees are just the right height."

For lynching.

[image via PunditKitchen]

How Do I Love Thee America, Let Mitt Count The Ways...

You Know Who Else Mitt Loves? That Guy! (Oh Wait, That's A Mirror!)

Willard "Mitt" Romney is a lover of many things. Many, many generic things. He loves air, for instance. The way it effortlessly swirls around from place to place, filling up empty space without ever being noticed. The delicate way it fills your chest, pumping into your lungs. It just feels so right!

You know what else feels right? You do, America!

He loves everything about you. Your large, sturdy shape. The fearless way you shovel donut cheeseburgers down your throat, unswayed by death or diabetic coma. Your funny little houses with the wheels under them. Motor homes, if I have the lingo right. Gosh Bless 'em! The way you paint your frozen obese bodies and wear cheese on your head when cheering for sport. He can't get enough! What a country!

Want to know what else Mitt loves from the bottom of his totally relatable, totally human, non-robotic, billionaire everyman heart?

Via TPM:

He loves our land.

"I love our lands," he said. Lease it, rent it, own it, raze it, build it, bulldoze it, drill it, fill it, drain it, dry it,  there's nothing you can't do with land. Land is good, my friends! (P.S. Obama hates land and won't stop until we are floating around aimlessly, not a drop of terra firma to be found!).

He loves our people.

"I love our people," he said. Raise your hands in the air if you're white and got more than $1,000 dollars in your pocket!

He loves business.

"I love you," he told business leaders. He doesn't care what NOBAMA or the big bad gubmint says, corporations are people, my friend! Large, powerful, metal & steel-fortified, weather-resistant, amorphous people. Aesthetically pleasing on the outside, hollow and plastic on the inside. You know, just like Mitt.

He loves Michigan's lakes.

"I love the lakes," he said. Wait, but I thought it was land that was good?? LAND, remember??

He loves Michigan's inland lakes.

"There’s something very special here–the great lakes, but also all the little inland lakes that dot the parts of Michigan," he said. Let's call them good lakes. Not great, but decent enough. Oh, and also all the little fish that dot the parts of Michigan that are underwater. Not in the Detroit 'underwater' kind of way, either.

He loves the streets in Michigan.

"The streets are just right," he said. The way they go East and West and North and South and have painted yellow lines on them. And you should see the way all the vehicles move on them! Like butter, I tell ya! Besides, some of his best friends have streets named after them!

He loves the trees.

"You know, the trees are the right height," he said. Perfect for climbing. Or swinging. Or chopping down and making into other wonderful things, like, oh, I don't know, say, money. Unlike those giant red weirdos out in hippie-dippie Californication.

He loves cars.

"I love cars," he said. "I grew up totally in love with cars." And then he married Ann. Life is craaaaazy!

He loves the Constitution.

"I love our Constitution," he said. It had him at "We." By the time he gets to "The People," fuggedaboutit, he's already lost his shit!

He loves our freedoms.

"I love our freedoms," he said. Feels so liberating!

He loves hymns.

"I love the hymns of this nation," he said. Leave rock 'n roll to Obama and the kids. Al Green ain't got nothin' on Mitt!

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

Speaking of shining seas...

He loves the ocean.

"I love the ocean, too," he said. "I do love the ocean." But most of all when he's in his beloved Taxachusetts. If you got ocean in your yard and a yacht in your dock, say heck yeah! Eastern seaboard, what, what!

He loves water.

"I love water," he said. For drinking, bathing, swimming, and, of course, posthumously baptizing dead Jews and secretly converting them to Mormonism. You know, normal stuff.

Mitt for America! He just feels right! After all, Americans do have a weakness for white, starchy, artificial things high on taste, but devoid of all substance.

[images via Shutterstock]

Mitt Romney Is A Huge NASCAR Fan & Has Almost As Much Personality As The Cars Racing In It

Billionaire everyman Willard "Mitt" Romney simply cannot stop reminding America what a regular, down-to-earth, hard-working, obscenely wealthy, non-robot guy he is, with a white picket fence (around one of his mansions, he's sure!) and a wife who drives "a couple of Cadillacs" like the rest of you people with jobs and what's the weird "M" word again, oh yeah, mortgages.

Naturally, Mitt won't be watching the Daytona 500 or anything crazy human like that (good God, no!), 'cause I mean haha, c'mon, but some of his best friends do own racing teams and he does love sports and cars, specifically buying cars for sport. You know, typical guy stuff!

After spending much of the week in Michigan defending his opposition to the 2008 auto bailout, Mitt Romney got acquainted with a different side of the car industry during a visit to Florida’s Daytona International Speedway.

Asked Sunday if he follows racing Romney replied, “Not as closely as some of the most ardent fans, but I have some friends who are NASCAR team owners,” the AP reports.

OMG, totally! Kinda like how even though he isn't specifically a fan of black people, he is friends with some former owners of black people.

Besides, Mittens doesn't have "friends." He does have people who fetch him stuff when he rings a bell, which is sort of the same thing, right?

Either way, NASCAR's #1 fanatic in a fancy dress shirt, Mitt Romney, was so revved up for the big race he could hardly contain his enthusiasm (i.e. an unnatural smile), telling the crowd the event "combines a couple of things I like best, cars and sports.''

And beer! And baseball! He doesn't technically "follow" the sport, but he does know the owners and is a big fan of diamonds.

But don't you dare think his decision to leave Michigan just days before the state's primary was a sign he was confident he'd win or anything. Heaven forbid!

"No, it's a sign of a guy who loves cars. And this has always been a place where American cars have shined. And a long history from Daytona being connected with Detroit, with Detroit cars, and with the spirit of America.''

Which he looks forward to crushing with as little emotion as is non-humanely possible, as soon as he's elected this coming November.

Declining the opportunity to trash talk a car sponsored by his rival Rick Santorum, Romney instead replied, "I just hope they all have a good race.''

Or at least one more successful than his presidential one.

[image via Reuters]

Newt Gingrich Would Like To Wish You A Happy Valentine's Day By Ruining It Completely

It's Valentine's Day and naturally there's only one thing on everyone's mind: What hot, romantic, sexytime plans does ladykiller Newt Gingrich have for his beautiful, cancer (and brain!)-free third wife Callista?

Will he shower her with lavish Tiffany diamonds he can't afford? Will he feed her the finest chocolates from around the world? Haha, just kidding, everyone knows the only sweet delectables the Gingriches put in their mouths are made right here in the ol' Jesus-and-prosperity-blessed US of A, if delicious heart-shaped treats are still allowed in the vast COMMIE wasteland that is OBAMA's America.

But before Newt can do what he probably hasn't done in years, which is of course, to bed the alien woman he is actually married to, he must first satisfy his bloodthirsty lust to crush and devour anything and everything in his path, including flaming Godless liberals and their flaming Godless (*cough* Mormon *cough*) BFF Mittens Romney.

Like every other once-hope-and-love filled, now-toxic-and-grotesque thing Newt touches, his Valentine's Day well-wishes quickly transformed into his Valentine's Day massacre, aka, his new attack website, Liberals Love Romney.

There he points out all the little-known truths about how Romney and all his various liberal manfriends are all secret Muslim terrorists who do weird, secret homo things while plotting their ultimate dream of forcing every man, woman and child on Earth to get an abortion while masturbating with the holy bible.

Newt's got all the usual suspects, Barack Obama, George Soros, Saul Alinsky (gasp!), Al Gore, and ARGGH, OMG, wait, what is that weird looking thing next to him, oh right a woman. Gross, get that baby-producing, ovary-filled freak out of here before all the men start having weird things like feelings flutter through their perfectly stoic, emotionless bodies.

If Newt's lunatic site is any indication, looks like it's gonna be a lovely Valentine's for Mitt Romney. But what's about Newt's own heart-shaped box of love? Inquiring Insane minds would like to know! Warning: the following may induce nasea, vomiting, and an uncontrollable urge to rip your eyes and/or ears out of your head.

“What are you going to do for your beautiful wife tomorrow on Valentine’s Day?” a woman attending a Hispanic fundraiser asked the candidate. People in the audience hooted audibly.

Almost (but not quite) embarrassed, Gingrich looked around to supporters on stage and joked, “After that question, I need something a little stronger than water.”

“All I can promise you is that I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night,” he continued. “And we’re going to have a nice, little private – I think the first time in a while, we have a private dinner, and just hopefully exchange gifts and, you know, reconnect a little bit, but she’s uh — “ Gingrich paused as cheers could be heard from the crowd, “You know?” A man behind him on the stage smiled knowingly.

Ummm, frigid as the winter air on the moon??

The candidate, grinning, held his hands up, “But I’m not going to get into — no more details!”

WHAT?? NOOOOOO! NO FAIR! Now we'll never get to hear all about the lovely, deliciously romantic whole suckled pig they feasted on before calling it an evening and retiring to their separate bedrooms to be with the one person they love more than anything else in the whole world: themselves.

Rick Santorum would be so proud!

Mitt Romney Is "Not Concerned About The Very Poor," Nor Apparently Winning Anything But The Hatred Of 99% Of America

Ah Mittens. Fresh off a most undeserved and uninspired victory over a gelatinous blob of ethical lapses and abandoned wives in the Florida Republican primary, Willard "Mitt" Romney proceeded to promptly squander all momentum and break the Golden Rule of presidential politics: pretend not to be the cold, heartless, asshole you really are.

Whoopsies!

You see, to billionaire everyman Mitt Romney, poor people are like unicorns. He's heard of them, but never actually seen one. (Or at least not in the wilds of Massachusetts' gated communities).

Which is probably why Mittens continued the ill-advised practice of opening up his awful rich person's mouth and letting words flow forth like sister-wives to the altar, terrifying Soledad O'Brien and the half-dozen or so other people actually watching CNN.

"I'm in this race because I care about Americans," Mitt said. "I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there. If it needs repair I'll fix it."

And if the handyman he held his nose while hiring can't get the job done (ugh, dumb poors!), he'll move on to his next favorite activity: firing people.

But since Mitt is clearly not concerned about the gross poors (the free market will take care of them), what exactly is he concerned about? (Just kidding! We know he really doesn't care about anybody).

"I'm not concerned about the very rich; they're doing just fine." (Just fine, indeed, wink wink!). "I'm concerned about the very heart of America, the 90-95 percent of Americans who right now are struggling...We will hear from the Democrat party on the plight of the poor and there's no question, it's not good being poor (he's never really thought about it, but he'll take their word for it!), and we have a safety net to help those that are very poor."

And what a fine safety net it is! Manufactured in China by NetCo, LLC, a subsidiary of Bain Capital, and strong enough to catch a full-grown man plunging to the bottom in a dizzying self-induced freefall from the high horse he's permanently perched upon.

So that's what they mean about wealth trickling down!

[image via AP]

What Do You Call 11,062 Square Feet Of Unparalleled Mormon Luxury? Mitt Romney's Big Love Shack!

OMG, did you hear the terrible, Earth-shattering news? No, no not that Slick Rick Perry has entered the Presidential race in a noble attempt to destroy restore America to its wonderful Antebellum glory. Something far, far more sinister!

President Barack Obama has just embarked on his third consecutive annual family vacation to Martha's Vineyard, in August, when literally nothing happens anywhere anyway. Ugh, the elitist nerve!

Well this makes some people very pretend furious!

Like a one Willard "Mittens" Romney, who was simply outraged that that barbarian president of ours, the one with the chocolate skin and secret Socialist smile, would dare summer on his aristocratic island of privilege and palaces, Martha's Vineyard, at the same time his charming Mormon brood was sucking sweet lobster tail with fellow Latter Day Saints for $2,500 a pop.

“If you’re the president of the United States, and the nation is in crisis — and we’re in a jobs crisis right now — then you shouldn’t be out vacationing,” Romney told Chicago’s WLS-AM radio hosts Don Wade and Roma.

That's Mitten's job, damn it!

“Instead you should be focusing on getting the economy going again. And, yeah, go back to the office yourself, pull back members of Congress and focus on getting the job done.”

Like figuring out some way to turn his God-awful, cramped, 3,009 square feet, $12 million oceanside hobo ranch in La Jolla into something a little more "adequate" for his needs, like say, a disgustingly ginormous, mind-blowingly lavish 11,062-square-foot fortress, so he can finally relax without one of "the help" breathing down his neck every time he blows his maid whistle to have his hair fluffed or feet rubbed.

From the San Diego Union-Tribune:

GOP presidential contender Mitt Romney, scheduled to attend a series of fundraisers this weekend in San Diego, is also working on plans to nearly quadruple the size of his $12 million oceanfront manse in La Jolla.

Romney has filed an application with the city to bulldoze his 3,009-square-foot, single-story home at 311 Dunemere Dr. and replace it with a two-story, 11,062-square-foot structure. No date has been set to consider the proposed coastal development and site development permits, which must be approved by the city.

According to a description from the listing agent, the Spanish-style residence at the end of a quiet cul-de-sac is sophisticated and understated in its décor, “offering complete privacy and unsurpassed elegance.” Tentative plans call for new retaining walls and a relocated driveway, but would retain the existing lap pool and spa.

Ostentatious luxury homes are people, too! Besides, having only 3,009 square feet is more of a clusterf*ck than a naked blindfolded pyramid at Guantanamo. For American everyman Mittens Romney, an 11,062-square-foot mansion is more like basic human dignity!

But fear not America! Because while elitist Obama and his royal First Family frolic in some hoity-toity island/winery Martha Stewart owns, Romney will not begin construction on his reasonable new West Coast fortress while he is still a presidential candidate.

Which should be coming to a screeching halt in 3, 2, 1...

From Politico:

“Construction will not begin until the permits have been obtained and the campaign is finished,” the [Romney campaign] official said.

Oh, building to begin in October then?

The reason for the expansion, according to the official, is family: “They want to enlarge their two bedroom home because with five married sons and 16 grandchildren it is inadequate for their needs.”

You know how those sisterwives are about confined spaces!

But seriously, all of Mitt Romney's grown adult children are still living in mom 'n pop's basement?

C'mon people, what's more American than that?

Mitt Romney Knows Corporations Are People Too, Which Is Why He Is Officially Registered As A Limited Liability Person

In these trying economic times when money is scarce, jobs even scarcer, and rational behavior crushed and ground into deliciously nutty human tea bags, where o where will we find a presidential candidate fearless enough to stand up for the rights of the biggest victims of all, the poor, sad, helpless, mega-corporations?

Look no further than everyone's favorite Mormon gaffe machine and master of the flip-flop (not the things gross poor people wear on their feet), Willard Mittens Romney, my friend! Finally, someone with the common sense and moral courage to stand up and proudly declare once and for all, "Corporations are people, my friend."

Well, this didn't go over so well with the rest of the 99 percent of the population not sitting on billions of dollars made by squeezing out productivity gains from the handful of workers they haven't already laid off to maximize profits for small groups of shareholders, like Mittens 'n Co.

Apparently, many of the human "people" in attendance at the Iowa State Fair don't much appreciate being lectured about America's need to "reform" Medicare and Social Security, while simultaneously showering mega-rich corporations with tax breaks, precious gems, poor people's tears, and assorted other goodies.

ROMNEY: We have to make sure that the promises we make - and Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare - are promises we can keep. And there are various ways of doing that. One is, we could raise taxes on people.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Corporations!
ROMNEY: Corporations are people, my friend. We can raise taxes on -
AUDIENCE MEMBER: No, they're not!
ROMNEY: Of course they are. Everything corporations earn also goes to people.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
ROMNEY: Where do you think it goes?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: It goes into their pockets!
ROMNEY: Whose pockets? Whose pockets? People's pockets! Human beings, my friend. So number one, you can raise taxes. That's not the approach that I would take.

Of course that's not the approach Mittens would take. Heavens forbid! After all, corporations are "people," thanks to several decades of terrible court decisions granting them the same legal protections as dumb carbon-based, oxygen-breathing, tax-paying, real people, while at the same time freeing them from such nagging human restraints as "having a conscience."

All Mittens is trying to do is innocently remind everyone about their common humanity with corporations, who are exactly like them, right down to their shiny steel facade, cold, empty interior, and endless supply of cold hard cash, thanks to the big bad gubmint's refund-for-rich people programs.

Maybe the next time you people come across a giant skyscraper or sprawling corporate complex, you should try shaking its hand and asking how its day was like a normal person, instead of staring at its exposed bricks and beams like some sort of impolite, capitalist-hating maniac.

Why is it always up to Mittens to shout down the masses with free business lessons in capitalism run amok, like all the billion$ of reasons why corporations are people, but poors are not. 

Guess that's what great leaders are for. That, and standing up for the big guy because here in Romney's America, the government of the corporation, by the corporation, for the corporation, shall not perish from the Earth.

That, my friend, is what poor people are for.

Mitt Romney's Christmas Card Reveals He's Either Running For President Or Taking On China's Economy With His Own Strapping Mormon Workforce

Guess which grandchild heard that Papa might run again?

The one that's hyperventilating, sobbing, "No, papa, noooooooo!!!"

Look, Mitt, I don't know which one of your perfectly adorable, weirdly named, ridiculously large Mormon brood heard you were running for president again, and frankly, I don't much care.

Nor does anyone in this great big God-blessed nation much appreciate some dumb Christmas card featuring a partial litter of Romneys and some insultingly dumb "hint" about how everyone's fave Mittens is going to once again waste millions of dollars battling it out with Sarah Palin in the ultimate campaign showdown of GOP politicians' with annoyingly-named children vying for the once-in-a-lifetime once-every-four-years chance to get humiliated by Barack Obama in a national election.

Yay!

Oh look, here is the inside of Romney's Christmas card/Quadrennial White House bid depicting the precise moment when the rest of the magical Mormons come skipping out of the enchanted gum drop forest to join Papa Romney on his epic journey to possible Iowa straw poll victory before losing the nomination to someone much older or dumber, depending on what's in vogue for Republicans this year:

Holy Holidays! It looks like the Palins and the Romneys are also in a hotly contested race to outbreed each other too.

That or Mittens isn't taking any chances this time around, and is simply begetting his own electorate instead.

Which is a great idea, Mitt! Just get everyone in your really really ridiculously good looking family to register to vote and Holy Brigham Young! you've got that Republican nomination locked up tighter than one of your sixteen wives' chastity belts.

So remember folks, a vote for Mitt Romney is a vote for endless war, endless economic stagnation, and endless environmental devastation.

Hell, if those pictures are any indication, the man's never pulled out of anything in his life!

The Cure For The Common Conservative: Dr. Ron Paul, M.D.

The only thing that makes Republicans angrier than gays and black presidents combined is apparently every potential Republican candidate.

They can't even find a decent frontrunner to win a meaningless straw poll at Woodstock for Wingnuts, the Conservative Political Action Conference, for crying out loud!

So instead of a respectable candidate like Mittens Romney, who usually cleans up at these things because he's such a handsome Mormon and great at capturing the conservative spirit of acting like a complete a**hole, the CPAC crowd chose Libertarian darling, Doctor Ronald Ernest "Ron" Paul as their 2012 GOP nominee for president. Hooray!

Winning nearly 31% of the nearly 2,400 votes at the conference, Dr. Paul's literal vasectomy of perennial meaningless straw poll victor Mitt "Mittens" Romney, whose meager second place finish with 22 percent of the vote proved, once again, no one--not even a room filled exclusively with Republicans--likes Mittens enough to actually vote for him.

But what do they think of their shining new libertarian hero and foe of big, bad government, Ron "Less is More" Paul?

"When Mr. Paul's name was announced in the packed ballroom of a Washington hotel, it elicited hoots and boos along with applause. Although Mr. Romney won fewer votes, he seemed to draw stronger applause," the New York Times writes.

CNN added that a majority of participants "said they wished the Republican Party had a better field of candidates to choose from."

"CPAC organizers were plainly embarrassed by the results, which could have the effect of reducing the perceived impact of a contest that was once thought to offer a window into which White House hopefuls were favored by movement conservatives," Politico reported.

Lookin' brisk Teabaggers!

Of course, the biggest loser of the night (or winner by CPAC's 'everything is backwards' standard) was none other than world famous satirist, skilled palm reader, and fearless defender of special needs babies everywhere, Facebook guru Sarah Palin, whose pretty face was only enough to garner a patriotic 7%. But on the bright side, at least she didn't have to show up!

Too bad, we can't say the same about the rest of 'em.

The complete loser breakdown:

• Haley Barbour: 1% ("If you see me losing 40 pounds that means I'm either running or have cancer." Either way, he's still fat, a loser, and not leaving Mississippi's Gov. mansion for 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. anytime soon)
• Mitch Daniels: 2% (No relation to Jack Daniels, thus no one cares about Indiana's Governor. At all)
• Newt Gingrich: 4% (Still not gonna run, still tweetin' like a MoFo. How do you say "What Do You Morons Not Understand About The Words Not Interested" in 140 characters or less?)
• Mike Huckabee: 4% (What the Huck? Thought the 'bee was supposed to be a straw poll master, not bass-playing, occasionally obese disaster)
• Tim Pawlenty: 6% (Who??? Even a cool nickname like T-Paw isn't enough to rescue this Minnesota has-been. Our aPAWLogies!)
• Mike Pence: 5% (Who??? May be the No. 3 Republican in the House, but still just another Hoosier loser)
• Rick Santorum: 2% (Still crazy, still not going anywhere, 'cept maybe a place that sounds like his name, and the walls are padded)
• John Thune: 2% (As hot as Mittens, and by the looks of it, is slated to be just as successful, too!)
  

So there you have it folks. The 2012 GOP landscape in a nutshell. Emphasis on the nut.

But don't worry, we're sure Doctor Paul has just the cure for what's ailing the Grand Old Party!

Do Not Resuscitate?

America, Meet Your Newest Resident "Expert" Sarah Barracuda Palin!

Well, well look who just went out and earned herself a little expert title while we weren't looking. None other than ice princess Sarah Palin, governor of America's resource-rich Russian watchdog, the great state of Alaska!

So you can imagine how delighted House Republican Whip Eric Cantor was to welcome Miss Palin as the newest shining member of the National Council for a New America's esteemed panel of experts.

An illustrious mix of rising Republican stars, leaders, and longtime GOP movers and shakers committed to solving problems with the "common-sense conservative solutions" Americans need and want. Even if they don't know it. Or vote for it.

Yes, this "who's who" list includes such notables GOP heavyweights as:

Governor Haley "Fat Man From Mississippi" Barbour
Governor Jeb "But, I'm Not W" Bush
Governor Bobby "Volcano Monitoring Is For Jerks" Jindal
Senator John "Meghan Is My Daughter" McCain
Governor Mitt "Mormons Are Sexy, Too" Romney

Throw in Alaskan superstar Sarah "Africa Is A Country" Palin and you my friends have a panel of experts ready to welcome Americans from all walks of life to join in the important discussion on how to keep America great by desperately clinging on to tired half-truths, baseless fears, and long-held prejudices.

Together, the National Council for a New America can fight this evil disease called progress and restore America's rightful place as the most awesome, freedom-loving, terrorist-torturing, CO2-polluting environmental disaster the world has ever seen!

GOP 2012: Back To The Future

Some Enlightened CPAC Slogans

No Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) would be complete without its annual straw poll to see which Republican candidate is the early favorite to lose 2012's presidential race against Democratic demon child Barack Hussein Obama.

For the third straight year, the lucky (or unlucky depending on how you look at it) CPAC poll winner was none other than former governor of the godless gay marriage state of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney.

Which doesn't mean a whole lot considering Romney also won the poll in 2007 and 2008, only to eventually lose the presidential nomination to John McCain who placed fifth. Expect maybe good news for this year's illustrious fifth place winner Newt Gingrich, if the former House speaker had any plans to run in 2012.

So barring Ronald Reagan's miraculous resurrection, looks like the GOP presidential field is wide open.

Thankfully there's still four years before the elections, because it's gonna take a while to sort through this list of winners. With rock stars candidates like these, the GOP should be a lock in 2012. Ha ha Barry won't stand a chance.

The Breakdown:

• Mitt Romney - 20 percent (Another meaningless win for the hot Mormon)
  
• Bobby Jindal - 14 percent (This even after his stunningly bad Mr. Rogers speech. Impressive)
  
• Ron Paul -13 percent (Not a chance in hell for this maverick)
  
• Sarah Palin - 13 percent (You betcha' she didn't need to show up!)
  
• Newt Gingrich -10 percent (Thanks, but no thanks)
  
• Mike Huckabee - 7 percent (Still here, still not going anywhere. 'Cept getting weirder)
  
• Mark Sanford - 4 percent (Who?)
  
• Rudy Guiliani - 3 percent (9/11!!!!)
  
• Tim Pawlenty - 2 percent (Who?)
  
• Charlie Crist - 1 percent (Called Obama's favorite Republican, the kiss of death)
• Undecided - 9 percent (Aka Joe The Plumber

Will The Next Ronald Reagan Please Stand Up?

Warning: Even Hot, Lingerie Clad Lesbians Not Safe From Prop 8-Enforcing Mormons In California

Listen up, Lesbos!

If you do not vote NO on California's Proposition 8 to ban same-sex marriage, closeted Mormons will invade your homes to steal your rights and gleefully rummage through your drawer of sinful lace panties.

That's right.

If you vote in favor of Prop 8 on Nov. 4, crazed Mormons from the Church of Latter Day Saints (think Mitt Romney times 1,000), who appear to have been transported directly from the Matrix movie trilogy, will come find you and your gay lover so they can laugh hysterically while ripping your (invalid) marriage certificate into shreds.

And don't think for one minute that only flannel-clad butches will be targeted.

Contrary to popular opinion, hot, lingerie wearing lipstick lezzies will not be immune to the great Mormon-led revolution against the scourge of Homosinuality in California!