Rick Santorum Is Frothing Mad That Equal Rights For All Applies To Weird, Scary (Tempting?) Homosexuals

Stripped away, really Rick? Stripped? No sexual connotation there.

Wait, what? Apparently, Rick "Google me at your own risk" Santorum confuses restoring rights with destroying rights. Or at least when it comes to gross gays and lezzies who Rick knows shouldn't be allowed to get gross gay-married or do anything except get ridiculed, marginalized, and discriminated against by bigoted closet cases straight-as-a-heterosexual who thinks nonstop about men putting their penises into other men's assholes.

Guess when it comes to asssholes, it takes one to know one, right, Rick? But what does the rest of one man+one woman America think about the worst miscarriage of justice since millions of white kids had their rights to separate, negro-free schools stripped away by activist judges in Brown v. Board of Education?

Finally one thing we can all agree on: Rick Santorum is the worst human ever!

But the dude sure is funny.

"As President I will work to protect marriage."

Hahahahah. "As President." Good one, Rick. Good one.

That's almost as good of a joke as your (hetero)sexuality!

Breaking News: California Strikes Down Gay Marriage Ban, But Still No Gay Fist Pump From Barry!

OMG, breaking news America! California has officially gone gay...again! But this time maybe for reals even...Like by law for reals!

In one fell stroke of the gavel and 136 pages of dead trees, Chief U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker ruled that California is now a tolerant state, dem crazy Mormons will have to go back to cock blocking salty states with no sex life, and sodomy and sin shall once again reign supreme across the Golden State. Yay!

“Proposition 8 fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license. Indeed, the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California Constitution the notion that opposite-sex couples are superior to same-sex couples.”

Ummm, duh! I mean any dumb kid on the street could tell you gays are weird and gross. And it has nothing to do with rational thought either, silly! It's called the ick factor (which Mike Huckabee would be more than happy to explain). Besides, everyone knows a real, beautiful heterosexual marriage consists of the miserable union between one man and one woman, not the slightly less miserable union of one man and one man, or one woman and one woman, plus the sinister, Godless destruction of morality.

Everyone except Judge Vaughn Walker, I guess:

“Because Proposition 8 disadvantages gays and lesbians without any rational justification, Proposition 8 violates the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment.”

Oooooh, and to think you were thisclose, Mormons, thisclose from ensuring every last flannel-clad lezzie and Streisand-singing fag in the state o' Californication is banned from the altar unless they curb their wicked ways and take the pure Church of Latter Day Saints (and latent homosexuality) path of boring straight missionary sex directly to righteousness and sexual frustration.

Either way, appeals are expected have already been filed, and should be just as fun as every other time gays are granted rights before the crazy wingnut right starts wailing about Jesus, Sodom & Gomorrah, God's wrath, and moral fiber, and voila! gays are once again demoted to second-class citizens, like God intended. Hooray!

Naturally, President Obama, like the rest of us sinners and hedonists in America, was thrilled and overjoyed to hear that Proposition 8 was overturned, arugula-eating elitist liberal activist judges or not.

Of course, this does not mean Obama supports actual gross, terrible gay marriage, heavens forbid! No, no, he simply supports "equality for gay and lesbian couples, and benefits and other issues, and that has been effectuated in federal agencies under his control," as White House spokesman David Axelrod so eloquently explained.

Ooooh, I get it, now!

So Obama loooooves gay people so much he wants to give them all the rights and privileges as everyone else, except that one tiny little one that includes big fat diamonds (the size of which dependent on how much you're in love), walking down the aisle (no, not a congressional one), saying some mushy words, sharing a kiss, and then getting raging drunk and dancing the night and your life savings away in blurry, holy matrimony. This apparently is not part of the whole equality thing in Obama's mind.

Here's the thing. People who care about gay rights would like the President to condone the fall of civilization and support gay marriage. People who hate dem queers and gay rights would like Obama to be shipped back to his native Kenya, preferably on the flaming wings of all the flamboyant queers currently destroying America with their fashion sense and good hygiene.

Obama simply would like to serve a second term and thus tries to get gay-and-normal-married to both the anti-gay and pro-gay sides, and ends up sleeping with no one, horny and alone, as a result.

Obama thought Proposition 8 was bad because it was “divisive and mean spirited,” so apparently it is wrong to deny gay people the right to (gay)marry, but it is also wrong to give gay people the right to (gay)marry.

Huh?

Let's see if I've got this straight (and I don't mean the good sexuality!):

"The president does oppose same-sex marriage but he supports equality for gay and lesbian couples."

Oh, you mean kinda like how the Teabaggers aren't terrible racists who hate black people or anything, they just don't want them running their country or marrying their sisters.

Ummmm, sorry Mr. President, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. 49th birthday or not, God damn it!

But on the bright side, now all of those tea birther klansmen (in his base) are totally going to vote for him in 2012, instead of plot his assassination/dismembering in front of a (gay) book burning bonfire.

A plan so mind-blowingly brilliant, no one can even wrap their heads around it.

Least of all his voters.

California Supreme Court Says Knot So Fast To Same-Sex Marriage

America's favorite colorful community of sin once again attempted to destroy the moral fabric of society by becoming equal citizens under the law. The nerve!

The pesky homosexuals, who continue to believe the Constitution applies to them, argued before the California Supreme Court on Thursday to overturn Prop 8, the Mormon church funded, voter-approved gay marriage ban that narrowly passed in November.

But much to the dismay of gays and lesbians across the state, the same California Supreme Court who ruled 4-3 to legalize same-sex marriage now expressed skepticism at the idea of overriding the will of the 52 percent of Prop 8-supporters who believe Armageddon will come in the form of Ellen and Portia tying the knot.

Like lead prosecutor and former Bill Clinton tormentor Kenneth Starr who is now representing supporters of Prop 8 because he knows all about the dangers of activist judges legislating from the bench to push their liberal, homosexual agenda unwittingly on the people.

Kind of like the dangers of Democratic presidents who threaten to upend society with their loose morals and sexual infidelities made public by crusading Independent Counsel lawyers hell-bent on eradicating blow-jobs from the Oval Office.

Obama Promises Not To Forsake Gays, But Only After Election Is Over

Okay, so we totally understand that Prop 8 is a really big deal and all. And not just for you Californians, but for the rest of us normal, old-fashioned Americans, too.

But, couldn't you guys at least wait until after the Election to start making a whole fuss about how Barack Obama hasn't been vocal enough in his opposition to California's Prop 8, an initiative that would ban same-sex marriage?

Sure, in a perfect world, we'd all love (Obama included) to fire up the troops and rally beside our proud pink compatriots as they fight to end discrimination and fulfill America's promise of freedom and equality for all.

But this is not a perfect world. And in this less-than-perfect world, I think it's safe to say your timing really sucks.

You see, on the same day California decides whether or not to become one big San Francisco, another, even bigger vote looms on the ballot.

While I am sure Barack Obama would love to do more to support the LGBT community in its effort to quash Prop 8, you must forgive him if his attention is focused elsewhere, like on actually getting elected President of the U.S.

And I think we can all agree that, the importance of defeating Prop 8 not withstanding, winning the White House may be slightly higher on his list of priorities.

I mean can you really blame the guy?

Cause last I checked half-black secret Muslim terrorists named Barack Hussein Obama haven't exactly been shoe-ins for the nation's highest office, and something tells me becoming the poster boy for gay marriage a week before the election, isn't going to make it any easier.

So let's make a deal. No GLBT criticisms until after Election Day tomorrow...then, feel free to bring the whole freakin' house down!

Warning: Even Hot, Lingerie Clad Lesbians Not Safe From Prop 8-Enforcing Mormons In California

Listen up, Lesbos!

If you do not vote NO on California's Proposition 8 to ban same-sex marriage, closeted Mormons will invade your homes to steal your rights and gleefully rummage through your drawer of sinful lace panties.

That's right.

If you vote in favor of Prop 8 on Nov. 4, crazed Mormons from the Church of Latter Day Saints (think Mitt Romney times 1,000), who appear to have been transported directly from the Matrix movie trilogy, will come find you and your gay lover so they can laugh hysterically while ripping your (invalid) marriage certificate into shreds.

And don't think for one minute that only flannel-clad butches will be targeted.

Contrary to popular opinion, hot, lingerie wearing lipstick lezzies will not be immune to the great Mormon-led revolution against the scourge of Homosinuality in California!