Ron Paul Likes His Airplane Seats Like He Likes His Citizens: In Different Classes

New (Old) Flavor of the month (white power chocolate mousse) Ron Paul is no stranger to controversy, thanks to his various racist, sexist and otherwise close-minded policies of limited government, even more limited brain power, and the freedom to be as selfish, asshole-ish, or basically Ron Paul-ish as humanly possible.

Like, say, the latest, greatest selection of newsletters allegedly penned by a certain Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul recently unearthed by the terrible, no-good liberal Jew run media, whose highlights, err lowlights, include:

• A segment called “Race War?” from the June 1990 issue of Political Report warns that a race war might be imminent due to “the victimization mentality created by the civil rights movement, where every black failure is a white crime. If there is indeed this sort of trouble ahead, it is just another reason why every honest American should be armed.”

• “Today, gangs of young blacks bust into a bank lobby firing rounds at the ceiling…We don’t think a child of 13 should be held as responsible as a man of 23. That’s true for most people, but black males age 13 who have been raised on the streets and who have joined criminal gangs are as big, strong, tough, scary and culpable as any adult, and should be treated as such” — a riff on bank robberies from the September 1992 issue of Survival Report.

• “Were there, as some people now say, two bombs that went off in the building? And might the government have the wrong man? Who doubts the possibility that the government – which lied about Waco and Ruby Ridge – may also be covering up true information and planting false information about the Oklahoma bombing?” — a conspiracy theory on the Oklahoma City bombing from the September 1996 Survival Report. 

• “Any organization hated by the IRS and the Trilaterialist Time magazine has got to have something going for it!” — a defense of the Church of Scientology in the June 1991 issue of the Political Report.

• “AIDS can be transmitted through means other than sexual intercourse and blood transfusion, specifically saliva, tears, sweat, feces and urine” — from the March 1987 edition of the Investment Report. In the same document, the author also called for the repeal of “federal laws which force schools to accept students known to carry a fatal, communicable disease, and businesses to employ adult victims as ‘handicapped.’”

• “[Magic] Johnson may be a sports star, but he is dying because he violated moral laws” — from the December 1991 issue of Political Report.

• “[T]he criminal ‘Justice’ Department wants to force dentists to treat these Darth Vader types under the vicious Americans With Disabilities Act” — a proclamation that AIDS patients (“Darth Vader types”) should not be allowed to visit the dentist, in the November 1993 issue of the Political Report. The author also adds, “[W]e all have the right to discriminate, which is what freedom of association is all about, especially against killers.”

OMG, so true! You know what else is true? The freedom of Karma to turn you into a frail, pathetic, decrepit old weirdo so vile and hateful even his eyebrows scrammed the hell off his face.

Which is almost as a-PAUL-ling as the self-proclaimed most "frugal and serious deficit hawk in the race" charging taxpayers nearly $52,000 all so he could fly in style, specifically first-class style, during his freqent trips between Washington and his home district in Texas.

From the AP:

But Paul's congressional travel conflicts with claims in campaign appearances that he's the most frugal and serious deficit hawk in the race.

"The talk you hear in Washington is pure talk, because there is nobody suggesting, the other candidates are not talking about real cuts," Paul said in a speech to supporters last week after his second-place finish in New Hampshire.

Now normally an elderly person who flies constantly with the means to fork over thousands of dollars to avoid being crammed into the steerage section of a commercial airliner is no big deal. More power to 'em!

But for a man who never votes for any budget or major spending bill and seriously thinks it is better to let people starve, drown, burn, or die of cancer in the streets than add one bloody red cent to the big bad gubmint deficit, is what the rest of the civilized world calls the worst kind of spineless hypocrite.

Because the person who is outraged by, say, a $25k public arts grant and is always prattling on about how "every little bit counts" and "you have to start somewhere" should at the very least not be the same one who tosses around hard-earned taxpayer money for a few extra inches of leg room, a hot towel, and the ability to look down on the stupid POVS who can't even afford to be on Ron's side of the curtain divider.

Not to mention, all the perfectly good federal money wasted on silly, trivial things like state-supported air traffic control, subsized airports, and paved landing strips when Ron Paul should know better than anyone that the invisible hand of the free market will surely keep his plane in the air and guide it safely on its journey, using not GPS and computers but smoke signals and supply side economics.

Truth is, if Ron was really serious about the whole thing, he'd go the old fashioned way, pulled by oxen in a covered wagon through dangerous, uncharted terrain and winding backwoods, untainted by Uncle Sam's coddling hand, but teeming with scurvy and dystentery just like the Good Lord and Ron Paul intended.

Screw Patrick Henry, thanks to Ron Paul, we can all take a deep breath and exclaim, "Give Me Liberty And Give Me Death!"

[image via AP]

The Only Thing Scarier Than Ron Paul's Policies Is The Size Of A Certain Ron Paul Supporter

ARRRRRGGGHHHHH! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!

As if crazed crypt keeper/Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul and his fantasy vision of a post-apocalyptic American wasteland of small government and even smaller minds wasn't scary enough (umm, need I mention Rand?), the man who makes John McCain look young and stable by comparison went out and found himself the perfect foil to his own feeble, decrepit self: a real live freaking giant!

The preferred wingnut accompaniment to any second place victory speech, New Hampshire or elsewhere! Plus, what better way to return to the glorious gold standard and roving bands of toothless, heavily armed cannibals that is Ron Paul's America than your own personal workhorse, extra large enforcer, skilled beanstalk climber, portable chair lift, and ready-made meal, in case of emergency, like say a Ron Paul presidency. Cause you know it's not just muscle on those jumbo size bones!

So hooray for Ron Paul, who is either running for President of the United States or embarking on an epic journey to destroy a magic ring by throwing it in a volcano where it was forged.

Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum! Libs and poors are the worst kind of scum!

That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind for Ron Paul. See, anything really is possible! Except a Ron Paul victory, or, apparently, a Ron Paul supporter with normal human characteristics, be it limb size or empathy.

Ron Paul/Fezzik 2012!

[images via Buzz Feed]

Dr. Ron Paul's Disaster Relief Rx: Take Two Pills & Call Someone Who Actually Gives A Sh*t

America's favorite crazy old uncle and beloved Libertarian Jesus, Ron Paul, knows a few things about disasters (his son Rand, every presidential campaign he's ever run, the toxic waste that spews every time he opens his mouth, hell, his whole freakin' life!), which is why he knows the best response to a national catastrophe is no response at all.

Hear that people? Pull yourself up by your own damn bootstraps for once in your pathetic lives, and while you're at it, use 'em to bail the water out of your battered, flooded house, and fix the downed power lines, ya lazy, good-for-nothing wastes of lucrative corporate space.

What do you think this is, the United States of Helping People In Times Of Crisis or something?

Hahaha, get real! This is Ron Paul's America, the United States of Anarchy, my friends!

"We should be like 1900; we should be like 1940, 1950, 1960," Paul said. "I live on the Gulf Coast; we deal with hurricanes all the time."

Sort of like the last time the Gulf Coast wined and dined that bitch Katrina only to wake up naked, tied to the bed post now submerged in sewage, and robbed of everything, except some good, old-fashioned American know-how, now floating down Bourbon Street.

"There's no magic about FEMA. They're a great contribution to deficit financing and quite frankly they don't have a penny in the bank. We should be coordinated but coordinated voluntarily with the states," Paul told NBC News. "A state can decide. We don't need somebody in Washington."

Hell no, we don't!

We need a nobody like Ron Paul, shriveled solver of problems like how to never actually get to be that Washington somebody nobody needs.

Problem solved!

Because everyone knows the best thing to do following a national disaster is abolish the one big bad gubmint agency actually capable of dealing with said disaster, like say the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA).

Amiright??

Blasting FEMA as a drain on the economy, Dr. Ron Paul explained how the agency is nothing more than a "gross distortion of insurance only bleeding hearts would support — that just bail[s] out everybody."

Ooooh, oooh, does that include crazy ass grown adult sons after one of their loyal staffers stomps on the head of some awful lady protesting their terrible, racist policies outside a rally?

Well three cheers (wait, or is it tears?) for the brave man, no make that the living legend, who had the courage & conviction to vote against hurricane relief funding for his home state of Texas because the government shouldn’t "take care of us when we do dumb things" — like get hit by hurricanes. Or his son Rand.

Galveston Hurricane of 1900 or Rand Paul's Foot Rage of 2010?

Hooray! Ron Paul Wins CPAC Straw Poll For The Chance To Be President...Of Losing To Obama

Woohoo, wingnut America!

After three days of endless shrieking and shouting about the bountiful beauty of trickle down economics (make it rain, Ronnie Reagan, make it rain!), the unspeakable evils of a woman having rights over her own dumb, slutty body, and, of course, the insufferable Donald Trump going on and on about how much richer and better he is than you, I, or the rest of the dumb schlubs in attendance will ever be, the three-day freak fest of repressed homosexuality and poorly veiled insecurity, popularly known as the Conservative Political Action Conference, is finally over.

But no CPACapalooza for insane people would be complete without first determining which wonderful wingnut had the conservative cajones big enough (and white enough!) to win this year's meaningless CPAC straw poll for the twice-in-a-lifetime chance to run for President of Losing To Obama.

Drum roll please.....

And the winner is...the inimitable Doctor Ron Paul, whose second consecutive straw poll victory now makes him the undisputed champion of crazy conferences and two-term president of make believe.

Yay!

Let's see how the rest of the candidates stacked up, shall we?

Okay, so as you already know, Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul won his second non-scientific (but likely creationist!) straw poll, capturing 30% of the vote he bused in specifically for this very purpose. Ah, a true statesman and humble man of the people, that Doctor Congressman Ron Paul!

Next came ol' Mittens Romney, who much like last year (and the year before and the year before) came in an impressive second, managing to snag 23 percent of the vote, despite the difficult challenges of being both a Mormon and a Socialist health care loving liberal.

Nobody else even came close, with the rest of the esteemed losers candidates-to-be failing to so much as even crack double digits, including She-Ra Princess of Powder, Sarah Palin, who mustered up a measly 3 percent, despite declining the invite in order to wander aimlessly around Fox News making moose piles of money muttering made-up new words to insult Muslims.

Which was still good enough to beat bass-playing former bacon-double cheeseburger scarfing governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee, Former Godfather’s Pizza CEO no one's ever heard of, Herman Cain, and Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, despite his bestest attempts to appeal to the all-powerful, old, Southern whites-who-hate-black-people crowd. Maybe next year?

"It will tell the country a whole lot about the enthusiasm the young people have for liberty," a victorious Ron Paul said. Or at the very least, what handpicking hundreds, err make that, thousands of supporters from the congressman's Campaign for Liberty group and shipping the whole lot of of 'em off to Washington with "We Love Ron" buttons and #2 pencils can do for the cause.

But not everyone was quite so thrilled with the good doctor's orders to storm the party, and stuff the ballot box with loads o' libertarian love.

Like uber rich (and classy!) golden-haired muppet clown Donald Trump who invited himself to speak at the event and continue his delusions of grandeur that he is actually a viable candidate to do anything other than scream "you're fired!" at terrified underlings, like, say run for President of America.

Mr. Trump got lots of loud applause. But that turned into loud and extended boos after an audience member yelled the name of Ron Paul.
"By the way, Ron Paul cannot get elected, I'm sorry," he responded, prompting the negative response. "I like Ron Paul. I think he's a good guy. But really he has just zero chance of getting elected."

Which, incidentally, is just about the same number as Donnie's IQ.

Talk about coincidences!

"I was elected 11 times and somebody said, ‘Well, how many times has Donald Trump been elected?" Ron Paul said Monday on MSNBC's "Morning Joe." "Does he have really the right to criticize others and say they are unelect[able]?"

Is he rich, white, dumb, and have less than zero chance of unseating Barack Obama?

Nate Gunderson, a 34-year old Utah native who supports Romney, said Paul's tactics could diminish the significance of the annual contest. "If this happens year after year after year, people will stop caring about the straw poll." 

Ha ha, don't be silly Nate! Nobody cared about it in the first place.

“Am I bothered by the fact that Ron Paul stacked the deck? Not at all,” said Tom Medhurst, a 61-year-old Ohio native making his first visit to CPAC. “That’s politics, isn’t it?”

If you say so?

Not that any of this matters anyway, since the real winner won't be determined until the next round, when each candidate competes in the ever-important "Stomp on a Liberal Lady's Head" challenge, supervised by none other than the reigning champ of inappropriate physical violence aimed at defenseless citizens, Rep. Ron Paul's angrier, even more inexplicably rage-filled, similarly initialed, racist son Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky.

Finally, a real family values Republican everyone can get behind!

Or under.

Either one really.

As If The Cordoba House Wasn't Enough, Now The Muslims Are Coming After The Paul House Too!

A House Divided Cannot Stand, Even A House Of Pauls!

Ooooh, are America's favorite "Dr. R. Pauls" (as in Ron the elder and Rand the dumber) in the middle of a heated Muslim 'n mosque-fueled fight??

But how could Rand's deliciously red, Christian apple fall so far from father's tree? Surely, Jesus did not die for our sins only to see his favoritest wingnut duo o' docs disintegrate into a halal 'n hijab haze of father-son feud!

But which awesome Doctor Paul thinks those pesky Muslims should take their dang mosque and go back to Arabia, or wherever it is that A-rabs come from, and which one thinks the Cordoba House/Ground Zero Mosque controversy is "all about hate and Islamaphobia?" Hmmm, let's see, which one is trying to win a Senate seat in chicken-'n-freak-fried Kentucky?

Like any decent, true Republican trying to win a Senate race in the original land of Colonel Sanders secret spice and heart attacks in the form of bacon and cheese smothered between two fried chicken fillets, Dr. Rand Paul doesn't much care for those swarthy Muslimy types always tryin' to build stuff here in the Whites Only land of America.

"While this is a local matter that should be decided by the people of New York, Dr. Paul does not support a mosque being built two blocks from Ground Zero," Paul spokesperson Gary Howard said. "In Dr. Paul's opinion, the Muslim community would better serve the healing process by making a donation to the memorial fund for the victims of September 11th."

Eh, or just pulling a Heavens' Gate and collectively offing themselves in a mass effort to reach salvation aboard the Hale-Bopp comet to heaven. Either one really.

But noooooooo! Papa Ron just couldn't leave well enough alone, could he? No, Papa had to come along like some tree-hugging, arugula-eating liberal Muslim loving hippie, and insist the outcry is nothing more than bigoted, GOP-fueled anti-Muslim hysteria for political purposes.

"The outcry over the building of the mosque, near ground zero, implies that Islam alone was responsible for the 9/11 attacks. According to those who are condemning the building of the mosque, the nineteen suicide terrorists on 9/11 spoke for all Muslims," Ron wrote in a statement on RonPaul.com "This is like blaming all Christians for the wars of aggression and occupation because some Christians supported the neo-conservative's aggressive wars."

"It is repeatedly said that 64% of the people, after listening to the political demagogues, don't want the mosque to be built. What would we do if 75% of the people insist that no more Catholic churches be built in New York City? The point being is that majorities can become oppressors of minority rights as well as individual dictators. Statistics of support is irrelevant when it comes to the purpose of government in a free society--protecting liberty."

Well, well look who is suddenly all about protectin' freedom of gross Muslims now. Whatever is young Rand supposed to do? Certainly, siding with the terrible Islams (in enlightened Kentucky of all places) is out of the question, world-famous libertarian doctor daddies or not.

Sorry to disappoint ya, Pops, but he'll stick with whole hatin' an entire community instead. Kentuckians just looooooooove that kind of stuff. In fact they eat that shit up all day long, so long as it's before their daily dose of KFC's famous Double Down!

"I think reconciliation is best promoted by -- instead of having a multi-million dollar mosque -- maybe having a multi-million dollar donation to the memorial site, would be better for all," a semi-coherent Rand Paul said.

Or maybe even a multimillion dollar donation to his campaign (memorial site), since Ron and America's son, Rand, has had some trouble getting the Jesus freaks, Klansmen, and assorted other illiterate misfits who helped him win the primary to continue supporting him through the general election. Mainly, cause they're bunch of dumb rednecks with no money for anything anyway 'cept maybe the state's namesake variety bucket and a 40 oz or two at the local mini mart.

"Since Paul won the general election, he's had trouble keeping up the enthusiasm from his online activist base and tea party members. In a Facebook friend drive earlier this month, Paul's campaign aimed to get 100,000 people to sign up for his Web page — but fell about 40,000 people short," Politico reports.

Maybe cause he scares the bejeebus out of everyone, or at least anyone with actual money, like the greedy, media-controlling Jews and elitists always screwing things up for nice young people who hate blacks, browns, and anyone else not beautiful snow white like lovely Sir Rand over here.

"The fact that so much attention has been given the mosque debate, raises the question of just why and driven by whom?" the older, wiser Ron Paul writes:

In my opinion it has come from the neo-conservatives who demand continual war in the Middle East and Central Asia and are compelled to constantly justify it. They never miss a chance to use hatred toward Muslims to rally support for the ill conceived preventative wars. A select quote from soldiers from in Afghanistan and Iraq expressing concern over the mosque is pure propaganda and an affront to their bravery and sacrifice.

And the problem with that is? Sounds like Grand Ol' Politics as usual to me!

Desperate times (and/or desperate people) call for desperate measures.

Clearly, what Rand Paul needs to do now is tell the Teabaggers (and the rest of the neo-Nazis, skinheads, and birthers who support him) that the dirty ragheads are not only trying to build terrorist temples on the still-smoldering remains of patriotic, white power Christian Americans, but are also secretly building mosques in their large intestines, and the only sure-fire way to stop 'em is by immediately sending all their cash and money (eh, screw it, and gold jewelry, too!) to:

Dr. Rand Paul
National Board of Ophthalmology (aka a UPS Store in Bowling Green, Kentucky)
911 Muslim-Free Road
Bumblef**k, Confederacy, 91101

Doctor's orders!

The Cure For The Common Conservative: Dr. Ron Paul, M.D.

The only thing that makes Republicans angrier than gays and black presidents combined is apparently every potential Republican candidate.

They can't even find a decent frontrunner to win a meaningless straw poll at Woodstock for Wingnuts, the Conservative Political Action Conference, for crying out loud!

So instead of a respectable candidate like Mittens Romney, who usually cleans up at these things because he's such a handsome Mormon and great at capturing the conservative spirit of acting like a complete a**hole, the CPAC crowd chose Libertarian darling, Doctor Ronald Ernest "Ron" Paul as their 2012 GOP nominee for president. Hooray!

Winning nearly 31% of the nearly 2,400 votes at the conference, Dr. Paul's literal vasectomy of perennial meaningless straw poll victor Mitt "Mittens" Romney, whose meager second place finish with 22 percent of the vote proved, once again, no one--not even a room filled exclusively with Republicans--likes Mittens enough to actually vote for him.

But what do they think of their shining new libertarian hero and foe of big, bad government, Ron "Less is More" Paul?

"When Mr. Paul's name was announced in the packed ballroom of a Washington hotel, it elicited hoots and boos along with applause. Although Mr. Romney won fewer votes, he seemed to draw stronger applause," the New York Times writes.

CNN added that a majority of participants "said they wished the Republican Party had a better field of candidates to choose from."

"CPAC organizers were plainly embarrassed by the results, which could have the effect of reducing the perceived impact of a contest that was once thought to offer a window into which White House hopefuls were favored by movement conservatives," Politico reported.

Lookin' brisk Teabaggers!

Of course, the biggest loser of the night (or winner by CPAC's 'everything is backwards' standard) was none other than world famous satirist, skilled palm reader, and fearless defender of special needs babies everywhere, Facebook guru Sarah Palin, whose pretty face was only enough to garner a patriotic 7%. But on the bright side, at least she didn't have to show up!

Too bad, we can't say the same about the rest of 'em.

The complete loser breakdown:

• Haley Barbour: 1% ("If you see me losing 40 pounds that means I'm either running or have cancer." Either way, he's still fat, a loser, and not leaving Mississippi's Gov. mansion for 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. anytime soon)
• Mitch Daniels: 2% (No relation to Jack Daniels, thus no one cares about Indiana's Governor. At all)
• Newt Gingrich: 4% (Still not gonna run, still tweetin' like a MoFo. How do you say "What Do You Morons Not Understand About The Words Not Interested" in 140 characters or less?)
• Mike Huckabee: 4% (What the Huck? Thought the 'bee was supposed to be a straw poll master, not bass-playing, occasionally obese disaster)
• Tim Pawlenty: 6% (Who??? Even a cool nickname like T-Paw isn't enough to rescue this Minnesota has-been. Our aPAWLogies!)
• Mike Pence: 5% (Who??? May be the No. 3 Republican in the House, but still just another Hoosier loser)
• Rick Santorum: 2% (Still crazy, still not going anywhere, 'cept maybe a place that sounds like his name, and the walls are padded)
• John Thune: 2% (As hot as Mittens, and by the looks of it, is slated to be just as successful, too!)
  

So there you have it folks. The 2012 GOP landscape in a nutshell. Emphasis on the nut.

But don't worry, we're sure Doctor Paul has just the cure for what's ailing the Grand Old Party!

Do Not Resuscitate?

There Will Be Blood...In Texas

The secessionist nutjobs (patriots of the Confederacy, former slaveowners and so forth) held a HUGE rally (like 10 people!) in front of the Texas State Capitol last week to show the nation how a Real American acts: By gearing up for a war against their sworn enemy the HATED United States.

But there was something decidedly absent from last weekend's "Sovereignty or Secession" rally other than brain cells: Gov. Rick Perry and his 70-plus pretend secessionist allies from the state legislature were nowhere to be found!

But why would the freedom-loving, secessionist governor of the second most populous state fail to make an appearance to support the cause he holds so dear: dissolving the God-awful Union?

Certainly not because he was, dare I say, embarrassed to be seen hobnobbing with such fine company. I'm sure Rick and Co. have a perfectly reasonable explanation for their absence, like not wanting to commit total political suicide quite yet.

Which means it was up to plump Texas Nationalist Movement leader Daniel Miller to fire up the crowd and give the people what they came for (besides seeing Fox News in real life!): to demand Texas legislators "immediately move for the restoration of the complete and unadulterated Sovereignty of Texas...or move immediately for complete Secession from the United States of America."

In the absence of actual politicians like Rick Perry, the protesters instead made do with Christian activist and deranged Gov. hopeful Larry Kilgore, whose enlightened policies include executing homosexuals and carrying out other deranged versions of the Lord's commandments, as well as Melissa Pehle-Hill (who??), member of the self-appointed "Citizens Grand Jury" investigating Barack Hussein Obama aka Barry Soetoro aka Obama bin Laden.

Oh, and plenty of tattooed bikers sporting Confederate memorabilia of all kinds, lots of older men in Texas flag shirts wearing too-tight blue jeans (complete with the obligatory crotch-hug), conspiracy theorists wandering around with various Obama-as-Joker, Obama-as-Hitler signs, and just enough cowboy hats, facial hair, and rotting teeth to make a normal person very uncomfortable.

"I hate that flag up there,” Kilgore said pointing to the American flag flying over the Capitol. "I hate the United States government...They’re an evil, corrupt government. They need to go. Sovereignty is not good enough. Secession is what we need!"

To which the patriotic crowd roared in approval, "We hate the United States!"

One Ron Paul nut lady chimed in: "We are aware that stepping off into secession may in fact be a bloody war. We are aware that the tree of freedom is occasionally watered with the blood of tyrants and patriots."

Or the blood of a handful of psychotic renegades after the evil US empire invades their new homeland, the "country" of Texas, obliterates its entire population, and levels the whole freaking place in less than a New York minute.