Hey America, The Donald Knows What's Weird & It Isn't Whatever Died On Top Of His Head

America's most beloved human hairpiece and billionaire cartoon character THE Donald Trump took a break from the usual destroying people's lives and slathering Crisco on his already unnaturally orange body to assume his rightful place as the #1 undisputed authority on all things weird.

Even weirder is that his name was actually "Soetoro." But hey, fuggedaboutit!

Cause either way, da Donald is as classy and on-point as ever, calling out lame, no-good OBAMA for taking his stepfather's last name after his real father abandoned him (haha loser!) instead of handing him a New York real estate empire, like some other tremendous people he knows (ahem, ahem).

Wanna know what else is weird? When Barack Obama was 47, he was elected President of the United States. When The Donald Trump was 47, he was bankrupt. WEIRDER.

But the important thing is that when he was 18, people called him Donald Trump. To his face.

Otherwise, he was mostly known as COCKSUCKER/ASSHOLE/DOUCHEBAG/DIPSHIT.

Weirdo.

[image via Wonkette]

Osama Bin Laden Sleeps With The Fishes Thanks To Badass Barry & His Mysterious Ability To Not Be A Total Failure Like The Last Cowboy-In-Chief

Woohoo America, Osama bin Laden is finally as dead as Donald Trump's chances of ever being hired as anything but a bad reality teevee host, courtesy of an elitist red, white, and blue, Obama-approved bullet to the brain by U.S. special forces during a firefight at his secret mansion/military compound in Pakistan. REALLY, GUY!? A SUBURBAN MILLION DOLLAR MANSION?? WTF??

Yes, in addition to murdering innocent men, women, and children in office buildings, Osama bin Laden apparently takes his habitation cues from the Desperate Housewives of Orange County. Ugh the bastard! Hmm, well that explains why Obama couldn't wait for sweeps week or November 2012 to pull this off.

Good thing President Barack Obama takes his cues from bad ass action movies, and as such, overcame his devotion to Allah, Socialism, and poor people to do what the white idiot who proceeded him could not: successfully order our armed forces to take the quivering terror troll out once and for all on his own turf.

WINNING! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! TIGER TERRORIST BLOOD!

So now that the United States has finally killed and disposed of its greatest enemy's corpse which, according to proper Islamic law, naturally means dumping the motherf**ker in the ocean, does this mean we can now stop torturing people in Cuban prison camps and maybe get our civil liberties back?

Meh. Probably a much better (and more popular!) idea is to impale Osama's head on a stick and parade it around Ground Zero. Look at the polls, Obama! Give the people what they want!

The Donald Trump would. Hell, he'd even class the mangled ol' corpse up, replacing that ratty old turban towely thing atop his head with one of his luxurious, thick toupees and providing a signature, instant Donald Trump™ birth certificate before dipping the whole al-Qaeda kit 'n kaboodle in 24k gold to really wow the crowds gathering to chant, "USA! USA! USA!" at various locations across the nation.

Oh and just in case you had any lingering doubts (where's the death certificate, huh??) or were worried that the facts may get muddled, twisted, or drowned out with all that patriotic shrieking, fear not my fellow Americans, for Fox News continues to lead the way in journalistic accuracy and integrity. And they can 'confrim' with 100% certainty that 'Usama Bin Landen' is dead.

Err, wait, make that Obama bin Laden. Ah yes, much better. Keep up the good work, Fox!

And to think, if it wasn't for Fox's relentless pursuit of Barack Obama's real birth certificate/certificate of live birth, he would never have SUCCESSFULLY KILLED BIN LADEN in a massive conspiracy to distract the rest of the world from discovering the truth about his mysterious (secret Muslim terrorist) origins in a Honolulu hospital hump of a camel in the Sahara desert.

I mean if George W. Bush was an illegal alien when he was President of freedom, he would've been able to kill bin Laden, too! With his bare hands, probably!

Big whoop, Obama! For all we know, it was Twitter, not U.S. special forces, that murdered Osama bin Laden (aka Usama bin Landen), just like it overthrew the government of Egypt and turned Sarah Palin into Shakespeare.

It's like Obama said, "America can do whatever we set our minds to." As long as it's killing people. (We're really good at that!) And as long as we have a decade or so to get around to doing it. Then hell yeah, bring on President Badass!

Looks like Osama bin Obama'd. How's that for a Trump card?

Offensive, Racist Emails About Obama's Birthplace? Just (Monkey) Business As Usual For The Republicans!

When not participating in their other favorite pastime shrieking Muslim slurs at frightened children and their families attending a charity event, conservatives in Orange County, California typically return to their good, old fashioned racist roots in the form of some hilarious black-president-is-a-Socialist-monkey-from-Kenya email, picture, or other awesomely bigoted internet-related humor.

And guess what people?? They're getting better at it!

“It’s much more racist than the watermelon email,” a county party official said. Can you say mission accomplished!?

Thanks to the bitter old lady talents of one elected member of the Orange County Republican Party, ancient GOP official Marilyn Davenport, life for the gross, hell-bound, eternally damned gays isn't the only thing that gets better these days.

Life is also improving for terrible hate-filled lunatics, white supremacists, world famous dentist-lawyer-real-estate-agent-birther-freakshows named Orly Taitz, and of course those lovely pillars of the community like Marilyn Davenport who enjoy sending emails with the words, "Now you know why no birth certificate," accompanied by an Obama family portrait showing them as apes with Obama's face plastered on a baby chimpanzee.

OH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"I simply found it amusing regarding the character of Obama and all the questions surrounding his origin of birth," Davenport wrote. "In no way did I even consider the fact he's half black when I sent out the email. In fact, the thought never entered my mind until one or two other people tried to make this about race. . . . I received plenty of emails about George Bush that I didn't particularly like yet there was no 'cry' in the media about them."

So true. Leave it to the liberal mainstream media elites to ignore all the horrible, meany, racist jokes bein' sent around about America's first (and only!) conservative white Christian cowboy president of special needs.

Reached by telephone and asked if she thought the email was appropriate, Davenport said, “Oh, come on! Everybody who knows me knows that I am not a racist. It was a joke. I have friends who are black. Besides, I only sent it to a few people–mostly people I didn’t think would be upset by it.”

Like white people, duh! Besides, everyone knows black people are monkeys, but everyone also knows monkeys are awesome and adorable, so it's totally not racist. This is how jokes work, especially when you're a miserable old 80-year-old wretch who hates anyone whose skin tone does not rest comfortably between skim milk and marshmallow fluff.

Just ask longtime Orange Country (read: no blackies welcome!) Republican activist Tim Whitacre, who defended Davenport because that is what white people who hate black people do for each other.

"Marilyn Davenport is a staunch, ethical Republican lady. There is nothing unethical about this from a party standpoint because it wasn't sent out to the party at large with any racist statements and it wasn't signed as a central committee member. As a private individual, she is just real big on Birther stuff. One of her passions that drives her is the president's lack of forthrightness about where he was born. Marilyn believes that nobody knows where he was born and so this picture says a thousand words."

"She is not a perfect lady, but she is no racist. She is a gentle person who would feed you, help you, be there for you if you were in trouble. She is known as a pleasant, loving person, and it kills me that she is being attacked by this non-story knowing her mindset."

As an unhinged nutjob who no likey brown people?

Another GOP official, who also asked not to be identified, said that Davenport is "a really, really sweet old lady so I am surprised to hear about this."

For the rest of the population however, racist black-people-as-monkey jokes should probably be left to those not elected to represent one of the nation's two biggest political parties, like say those delightful patriots who named their movement after a sexual act involving testicles being (willingly or unwillingly) dipped in another participant's mouth.

Scott Baugh, chairman of the OC Republican Party, called the email tasteless, saying, "When I saw that email today I thought it was despicable. It is dripping with racism and it does not promote the type of message Orange County Republicans want to deliver to the public. I think she should consider stepping down as an elected official."

Michael J. Schroeder, an Orange County resident and former chairman of the California Republican Party, also said he was disgusted.

“This is a three strikes situation for Marilyn Davenport,” Schroeder said. “She was a passionate defender of former Newport Beach City Councilman Dick Nichols, who stated that he was voting against putting in more grass at Corona del Mar’s beach because, he said, there were already ‘too many Mexicans on the beach.’ She was also on the wrong side of the fence with the Los Alamitos mayor and his White House watermelon patch picture. Now, she has managed to top both of those incidents by comparing African Americans to monkeys. She has disgraced herself and needs to resign. If she doesn’t, the Republican Party must remove her.”

Remove her?? Haha, puh-lease! C'mon, do you even know the Republican Party? The racist li'l lady deserves a promotion!

Good thing, Marilyn Davenport knows sending racist emails is nothing to get worked up about.

"That being said, I will NOT resign my central committee position over this matter that the average person knows and agrees is much to do about nothing."

Unlike a certain monkey man from Kendonesia's birth origins, I suppose.

Quick someone alert the Donald! Looks like we just found him the perfect (non-primate) running mate.
Hey, The Marilyn Davenport, guess what you're hired!

Turn your hearing aid up, I SAID, YOU'RE HIRED!!!

What are you a monkey brain or something??

Donald Trump: "I've Always Had A Great Relationship With The Blacks!" It's "The Brains" He's Always Had Trouble With!

Yo, yo, wassup America? Dis here's da Donald comin' at cha live and in (unnaturally orange) color. So fresh and so clean, cause you know that be how the Trump Daddy rolls!

So what's got Trump Dizzle trippin, you ask?

Lord knows it ain't for lack of scrilla, amiright? Holla!

Thankfully, all's good with the green, but there is another, much darker, much scarier color that's giving the Donald some trouble, and for once it's not his fake bronzed, electric sun-kissed wife!

“I have a great relationship with the blacks. I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks. But unfortunately, it seems that, you know, the numbers you cite are very, very frightening numbers,” Trump said when asked about Obama’s sky-high support among African Americans during a radio interview.

So true! All the other brothas be all over Barry like white on rice, what up wit dat!?

Trump said the numbers were troubling and pointed to Hillary Clinton as proof that he probably won’t get the kind of support among African-Americans that he deserves.
“I tell it like it is,” Trump said. “[Y]ou’ll hear a political reporter go on and say it had nothing to do with race. But how come she had such a tiny piece of the vote? And you know, it’s a very sad thing.” [...]
Radio host Fred Dicker said, somewhat rhetorically, that votes should always be based on merit, not on race.
“If that were the case, why did Hillary Clinton do so poorly?” Trump asked.

Yeah, now that you mention it, why did Hillary do so poorly with Trump's BFF "The Blacks??"

Tsk, tsk! And to think, just when we were finally starting to make progress by actually electing a white person to the presidency, "the blacks" had to go and ruin everything!

For the love of luxury rentals, when will a poor, suffering white guy like Donald Trump ever be allowed success at anything?

Maybe when the African American community wakes up and heeds Trump Diddy's wonderful, sound advice not to vote for the half-black guy they actually agree with, but for the funny-looking dude with something resembling road kill perched atop his head, who refers to them as "the blacks," instead.

Until then, guess what, "The Blacks?" You're fired!

Sarah Palin Supports The Donald's Crazy, Fake Birther Quest For President Of The United States Of Jesus

Since rich people obviously don't have to pay taxes in this country we call America (that's for poor people, silly!), the "haves" and "have-mores" among us must constantly come up with new and creative ways to squander their massive, undeserved fortunes, if only as a gentle reminder how much better, and more well off they are than your pathetic, schlubby working class ass.

Take failed businessman, Donald Trump, for example. His so-called "run" for the White House is such an epic disaster, that in a desperate, last-ditch attempt to divert attention from his own toupee-wearing ineptitude and narcissistic delusions of grandeur, he's decided to embark on a very sudden, very public quest to (re)discover the mysterious 44th president Barack Hussein Soetoro Obama's true origins.

Some Socialist WHORE's womb in deepest darkest Africa??

Good thing at least one fellow unemployed grifter understands and "appreciates" the pressing need to search for publicity self-respect President Obama's birth certificate in the allegedly "United" state of volcanoes, surfing, and fake presidential anchor babies, Hawaii.

"I appreciate that the Donald wants to spend his resources on something that so interests him and so many Americans," Sarah Palin told Fox News. "More power to him. He’s not just throwing stones, you know — from the sidelines. He’s digging in there. He’s paying for researchers to know why President Obama would have spent $2 million to not show his birth certificate. So more power to him."

Indeed! The Donald Trump, you're hired!

"Well, you know, I think he was born in Hawaii because there was the birth announcement put in the newspaper. But obviously, if there’s something there that the president doesn’t want people to see on that birth certificate," she said. "Then he seems to go to great lengths to make sure it isn’t shown, and that's kind of perplexing for a lot of people."

Especially the retarded special needs ones, who may or may not be running for the once-in-a-lifetime chance to represent the few, the proud, the toothless Birther-Truther-Oather segment of the population before getting humiliated by the very same no-good illegal alien NObama in the general elections.

And although Palin claims that our president was born right here, in her favoritest Jesus blessed Freedomland, she just knows (the North Star told her!) Obama is hiding something. Something dark, something sinister!

But whatever would President Obama be hiding, if not his African birthplace? His secret lady parts? That his real father is Muammar Gaddafi? Or maybe Darth Vader's Socialist space lizard twin? Point is, nobody knows!

What we do know however is that Donald Trump is no ordinary failed business man who's too stupid to even figure out how to make money off the multi-million-dollar casino and New York real estate empire he was born into, and spends all his time roasting his D-list celebrity friends and firing desperate, frightened people on cable teevee instead.

But that's not it! Donald is also creating jobs! Like the cracksquad team of The Apprentice interns he hired not to comb through the luxurious burnt orange colored nest of "hair" resting comfortably atop his head, but rather to comb through freak, obscure Teabagger/Wingnut message boards all day long from the Waikiki Beach Marriott Resort and Spa.

As The Donald told NBC last week, "I have people that have been studying it and they cannot believe what they're finding."

Tacky, overpriced glass-and-gold-trim condo buildings, an endless, well-stocked supply of even younger, even hotter new trophy wives, and enough hand sanitizers and instant Donald Trump™ birth certificates to last the next ten disastrous presidential election campaigns.

Haha, and you thought that handsome coif was only to look presidential.

Like Everything Else About His Existence, Donald Trump's Birth Certificate Isn't Real Either

Obscenely rich, obscenely obnoxious, pretend presidential candidate Donald Trump is always looking for cool, exciting new gimmicks to help keep his fake presidential run in the news and fresh in people's mind, right next to Charlie Sheen's latest win (an eight ball?) and Chris Brown's cock shots.

Like when the Donald decided to take some time off from his very important job fake-firing and fake-hiring washed-up former celebrities to throw on his best confederate flag lapel and hop aboard the Birther express to see where the crazy wingnut train takes him.

Denny's? Arizona? The White House?

But, much like his oddly glowing skin, after a couple of days or so, the "Trump is a Birther" buzz began to fade, and Donald was once again left in the utterly desperate position of no one caring about him or his convenient new beliefs regarding the birthplace of our nation's first (and God-willing last!) black president of Socialism.

So what did he do? Released his beautiful birth certificate to right-wing rag Newsmax, where, much like the thick, flowing golden locks adorning his head, was also proven fake within a matter of hours.

Of course, you're probably thinking, but how on Earth could this yellow-tinted chicken scratch sheet that looks like something a fourth grader spent ten seconds creating on Microsoft Publisher or any 1990s banner/certificate-maker software, not be real?

Politico's Ben Smith writes:

It appears instead to be a hospital “certificate of birth,” meaning the piece of paper the hospital gave to his family saying he was born. Such a document typically has the signature of the hospital administrator and the attending physician.
Trump lawyer and advisor Michael Cohen didn’t respond to Haberman’s question about the document.
Trump’s mother, it should be noted, was born in Scotland, which is not part of the United States. His plane is registered in the Bahamas, also a foreign country. This fact pattern — along with the wave of new questions surrounding what he claims is a birth certificate — raises serious doubts about his eligibility to serve as President of the United States.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what?? Since when does being the head of the Miss USA pageants not make you automatically eligible for President?

According to the Smoking Gun:

As seen above, he provided the conservative web site with what he purports to be his birth certificate. Except the document is not an official New York City birth certificate, but rather a document generated by Jamaica Hospital, where Trump's mother Mary reportedly gave birth in June 1946.
Official birth certificates are issued (and maintained) by the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene's Office of Vital Records.
So, what is Trump trying to conceal?

Other than the fact that he is from JAMAICA?? Isn't it obvious, people? The illegal alien he is harboring on his head, duh! For all we know, he picked up the tangled ol' rat's nest along the Mexican border, plunked it atop his big, fat skull, whipped up one of his signature instant Donald Trump™ birth certificates and put it to task living and working illegally in these United States.

Hmmm, sounds suspiciously Kenyan.

Not that it matters anyway, because he's white, err, whitish orange.

Which begs the other even more pressing, unanswered question surrounding Trump, how can one man be worth soooooo much and still be so God damn worthless??

Teabagger Dude's Got 99 Problems, But A Brain Ain't One!

As you probably already know, the state of the nation can be accurately assessed by reading the fine print between the lines of America's most trusted, new journalist, the old, rusted-out, 1970s Toyota camper parked outside a local Burger King.

And on this great, new canvas of freedom comes all the poetic brilliance and artful expression you'd expect from someone with the subtle wit, keen intellect, and teabags caffeinated enough to call our half-black president a monkey with no intelligence, while misspelling every other word plastered on his vintage creepy pedovan.

“MONKEY MIND OBAMA THE GREAT SATAN, AND THE CHANGE HE PROMISED YOU.” A sentence for the ages.

Ignorant fools! Unlike this pillar of the community and resident Einstein who lets his automobile do the talking, instead of grunting like some gross gorilla mouth who needs a magic Jesus scroll machine to remind him of all the big, more-than-one-syllable words written in his speech.

Well, this guy doesn't need no stinkin' teleprompter to remind him of "THE RIGHT TO BARE ARMS AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT"

Give me a tank top or give me death! Just like the Constitution says. Besides, everyone knows sleeves are for pussies!

But did you know that UFO's are the ANGELS IN THE BIBLE? The ones who DID ALL THE MIRACLES? Eww, perverts!

You might think God loves man, the being He created in his own image, the very bestest. You'd be wrong, ya monkey brain morons!

Most blessed are the UFOs, for they shall inherit the Earth, once it has been destroyed by heathen hippies, homos, and humans for Hussein NObama.

Even more impressive than this recreational vehicle owners' spelling and grammar skills is his uncanny insider knowledge of the intimate details behind Obama's swanky, secret White House soirees.

“OBAMA HAS BOOSE PARTY’S EVERY OTHER DAY (AVERAGE) AT THE WHITE HOUSE, GIVEING EVERY-ONE $150 STEAKS (IMPORTED) TO EAT," Fox News' newest ace reporter, the worn-out Winnebago explains.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, TEN MILLION DOLLORS? OF OUR TAX MONEY? ON BOOSE AND STEAKS?

Impossible! No way! C'mon, that sounds sort of like something an American would do!

That said, someone really ought to tell Donald Trump he may be trying a bit too hard with his new campaign tour bus. Just a tad.

War, What Is It Good For? Absolutely Everything!

Winning!

Since two protracted bloody wars weren't quite enough for America™, the mighty red, white, and blue figured why the hell not launch a third awesome military (mis)adventure into hostile foreign territory to help save hundreds of thousands of suffering Libyans delicious barrels of oil, and uphold our nation's commitment to restoring peace and stability back to gas stations the world over.

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Whaddya think, the country that produced Charlie Sheen was just gonna sit back eating Twinkies and having mental breakdowns live via webcam while the rest of the world got their awesome war on? Ha ha, we're winners, here remember?

A coalition including the United States, France, Britain, Canada and Italy has begun launching strikes on Libya designed to cripple air defenses, as the West tries to force Col. Muammar Gaddafi from power.

The move is the first direct U.S. involvement in the international operation mobilizing to stop Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi's attacks on opposition strongholds and enforce a U.N.-backed no-fly zone.

Some 25 coalition ships, including three U.S. submarines armed with Tomahawk missiles stationed in the Mediterraneant will take part in the operation, called "Odyssey Dawn," that will mainly target air defenses around the Libyan cities of Tripoli and Misrata.

A defiant Gadhafi said Libya will fight back against undeserved "naked aggression," likely with his preferred kind of "naked aggression," in the form of highly trained half-naked Amazonian femme fatales sporting string bikinis and slinging semi-automatics.

"All you people of the Islamic nations and Africa, and Latin America and Asia, stand with the Libyan people in its fight against this aggression," Gadhafi declared, presumably unaware that the roguishly handsome man he was addressing was really his own reflection in the mirror, not his fellow countrymen showing their solidarity by dressing like their favoritest mentally ill madman in a muumuu.

In a letter addressed to Obama and read to reporters by a government spokesman in Tripoli, Gadhafi said, "I have all the Libyan people with me and I'm prepared to die. And they are prepared to die for me. Men, women and even children."

Hell, he'd even tell you to go ask 'em yourself, but unfortunately their tongues have all been cut out. Oops, a real doozy!

Guess you'll just have to take his word for it.

"What we are doing is necessary, it is legal and it is right," Prime Minister David Cameron said. "I believe we should not stand aside while this dictator murders his own people."

Our oil reserves depend on it, God damn it!

"The use of force is not our first choice," President Barack Obama echoed from Brasilia, Brazil. "It is not a choice I make lightly. But we cannot stand idly by when a tyrant tells his own people that there will be no mercy."

Unless that tyrant happens to be terrorizing some worthless, poor oil-less country in sub-Saharan Africa like Sudan or whatever. Then, by all means, we'll gladly stand idly by watching American idol instead!


But in Libya's case, Obama just couldn't resist plunging into war, and not just any war, but a cute sexy little half war that is new, hot, fun, exciting, looks great in stars 'n stripes, and unlike our last fling, doesn't involve any long term commitment like endless occupation, repeated attempts to stabilize a shattered psyche, or even having to find a new collection of leaders to prop up shower her with enough flowers and chocolates to keep her happy and satisfied (and out of our hair) for the next oh, couple of decades or so.

Forget wining and dining, we're talking, wham bam thank you ma'am!

But lucky for us, Donald Trump is more than qualified for such delicate matters of love and war.

From Fox and Friends:

I think I probably have more experience of anybody [in the GOP field] — whether I sell them real estate for tremendous amounts of money. I mean, I've dealt with everybody. And by the way, I can tell you something else. I dealt with Gaddafi. I rented him a piece of land. He paid me more for one night than the land was worth for two years, and then I didn't let him use the land. That's what we should be doing. I don't want to use the word 'screwed', but I screwed him.

That's what we should be doing.

See? If Donald Trump were our president, and we were his clients, he'd at least have the decency to pimp us like prostitutes before totally screwing us.

The way a real President is supposed to. Instead of wasting all his time screwing some dumb broad, Libby or Libya, or whatever.

Donald Trump Pretending To Be A Birther & Viable Presidential Candidate; Still Refuses To Shake Hands With Poor Schmucks Like Voters

Donald Trump, the loud mouth, oddly discolored, über classy Celebrity Apprentice host who makes a living shrieking, "You're Fired!" at frightened underlings, is still pretending to be seriously contemplating a bid for the once-every-four-years chance to squander his own money to get embarrassingly crushed by Barack Obama in the presidential elections.

And hell no, he won't shake hands after, whaddya freakin' nuts or something?

Anyway, so yeah, Donald Trump is still a few months away from his self-imposed deadline (during sweeps week, no less!) on whether or not to toss his hat with a diamond encrusted capital T into the ring as America's greatest next president...of bad toupees & gaudy, overpriced buildings.

Which gives him approximately another four months to score cheap headlines and milk his li'l faux presidential run for all it's worth. And knowing the Donald, your broke ass won't be able to afford it, anyway, mwahahahaha!

But let's humor him anyway, shall we!?

Oh, look, today must be 'pretend to be a Birther Day' because any Republican worth anything has just got to make up some reason or another why Barack Obama couldn't possibly have been born in the ol' U.S. of A!

"Let me tell you, I'm a really smart guy. I was a really good student at the best school in the country. The reason I have a little doubt, just a little, is because he grew up and nobody knew him," Trump said in the interview that aired Thursday.

"If I got the nomination, if I decide to run, you may go back and interview people from my kindergarten. They'll remember me. Nobody comes forward. Nobody knows who he is until later in his life. It's very strange," the Celebrity Apprentice host added. "The whole thing is very strange."

Strange, huh? Even stranger are all the interviews that just magically appeared from various people in Obama's kindergarten class. Like say, his teacher, Katherine Nakamoto, who in 2009, described a 5-year-old Barry Obama to the Maui News: “He was a cute, likable, heavy build-child. I could visualize Barry smiling, dressed in his long-sleeved, white shirt tucked into his brown Bermuda shorts, and wearing laced shoes."

Weirdo!

Or his third-grade classmate at Noelani Elementary School, Scott Inoue, now a chiropractor in California, who has a photo hanging in his office, "Scott & Barry 3rd grade 1969."

"He was a lot taller than me; he towered above most of us. I don't know why I remember that photo, but maybe it's because he had one of those personalities. Possibly because he was the only African-American in a school predominantly attended by Japanese," Inoue said.

Or possibly because he was really a secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist...from Kenya!

So, where are all of Donald Trump's kindergarten or elementary school teachers and classmates, huh? He knows they'll remember him.

He's probably right, too!

After all, it's pretty hard to forget the fat red-faced bully with spit dribbling down his chin, stains on his shirt, boogers in his nose, who stole everyone's lunch money, ate all the teacher's glue, and whose Pennies-for-Pencils program turned out to be the most precocious, successful Ponzi scheme in elementary school history.

Guess greatness is born, not made.

Hooray! Ron Paul Wins CPAC Straw Poll For The Chance To Be President...Of Losing To Obama

Woohoo, wingnut America!

After three days of endless shrieking and shouting about the bountiful beauty of trickle down economics (make it rain, Ronnie Reagan, make it rain!), the unspeakable evils of a woman having rights over her own dumb, slutty body, and, of course, the insufferable Donald Trump going on and on about how much richer and better he is than you, I, or the rest of the dumb schlubs in attendance will ever be, the three-day freak fest of repressed homosexuality and poorly veiled insecurity, popularly known as the Conservative Political Action Conference, is finally over.

But no CPACapalooza for insane people would be complete without first determining which wonderful wingnut had the conservative cajones big enough (and white enough!) to win this year's meaningless CPAC straw poll for the twice-in-a-lifetime chance to run for President of Losing To Obama.

Drum roll please.....

And the winner is...the inimitable Doctor Ron Paul, whose second consecutive straw poll victory now makes him the undisputed champion of crazy conferences and two-term president of make believe.

Yay!

Let's see how the rest of the candidates stacked up, shall we?

Okay, so as you already know, Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul won his second non-scientific (but likely creationist!) straw poll, capturing 30% of the vote he bused in specifically for this very purpose. Ah, a true statesman and humble man of the people, that Doctor Congressman Ron Paul!

Next came ol' Mittens Romney, who much like last year (and the year before and the year before) came in an impressive second, managing to snag 23 percent of the vote, despite the difficult challenges of being both a Mormon and a Socialist health care loving liberal.

Nobody else even came close, with the rest of the esteemed losers candidates-to-be failing to so much as even crack double digits, including She-Ra Princess of Powder, Sarah Palin, who mustered up a measly 3 percent, despite declining the invite in order to wander aimlessly around Fox News making moose piles of money muttering made-up new words to insult Muslims.

Which was still good enough to beat bass-playing former bacon-double cheeseburger scarfing governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee, Former Godfather’s Pizza CEO no one's ever heard of, Herman Cain, and Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, despite his bestest attempts to appeal to the all-powerful, old, Southern whites-who-hate-black-people crowd. Maybe next year?

"It will tell the country a whole lot about the enthusiasm the young people have for liberty," a victorious Ron Paul said. Or at the very least, what handpicking hundreds, err make that, thousands of supporters from the congressman's Campaign for Liberty group and shipping the whole lot of of 'em off to Washington with "We Love Ron" buttons and #2 pencils can do for the cause.

But not everyone was quite so thrilled with the good doctor's orders to storm the party, and stuff the ballot box with loads o' libertarian love.

Like uber rich (and classy!) golden-haired muppet clown Donald Trump who invited himself to speak at the event and continue his delusions of grandeur that he is actually a viable candidate to do anything other than scream "you're fired!" at terrified underlings, like, say run for President of America.

Mr. Trump got lots of loud applause. But that turned into loud and extended boos after an audience member yelled the name of Ron Paul.
"By the way, Ron Paul cannot get elected, I'm sorry," he responded, prompting the negative response. "I like Ron Paul. I think he's a good guy. But really he has just zero chance of getting elected."

Which, incidentally, is just about the same number as Donnie's IQ.

Talk about coincidences!

"I was elected 11 times and somebody said, ‘Well, how many times has Donald Trump been elected?" Ron Paul said Monday on MSNBC's "Morning Joe." "Does he have really the right to criticize others and say they are unelect[able]?"

Is he rich, white, dumb, and have less than zero chance of unseating Barack Obama?

Nate Gunderson, a 34-year old Utah native who supports Romney, said Paul's tactics could diminish the significance of the annual contest. "If this happens year after year after year, people will stop caring about the straw poll." 

Ha ha, don't be silly Nate! Nobody cared about it in the first place.

“Am I bothered by the fact that Ron Paul stacked the deck? Not at all,” said Tom Medhurst, a 61-year-old Ohio native making his first visit to CPAC. “That’s politics, isn’t it?”

If you say so?

Not that any of this matters anyway, since the real winner won't be determined until the next round, when each candidate competes in the ever-important "Stomp on a Liberal Lady's Head" challenge, supervised by none other than the reigning champ of inappropriate physical violence aimed at defenseless citizens, Rep. Ron Paul's angrier, even more inexplicably rage-filled, similarly initialed, racist son Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky.

Finally, a real family values Republican everyone can get behind!

Or under.

Either one really.