Like Everything Else About His Existence, Donald Trump's Birth Certificate Isn't Real Either

Obscenely rich, obscenely obnoxious, pretend presidential candidate Donald Trump is always looking for cool, exciting new gimmicks to help keep his fake presidential run in the news and fresh in people's mind, right next to Charlie Sheen's latest win (an eight ball?) and Chris Brown's cock shots.

Like when the Donald decided to take some time off from his very important job fake-firing and fake-hiring washed-up former celebrities to throw on his best confederate flag lapel and hop aboard the Birther express to see where the crazy wingnut train takes him.

Denny's? Arizona? The White House?

But, much like his oddly glowing skin, after a couple of days or so, the "Trump is a Birther" buzz began to fade, and Donald was once again left in the utterly desperate position of no one caring about him or his convenient new beliefs regarding the birthplace of our nation's first (and God-willing last!) black president of Socialism.

So what did he do? Released his beautiful birth certificate to right-wing rag Newsmax, where, much like the thick, flowing golden locks adorning his head, was also proven fake within a matter of hours.

Of course, you're probably thinking, but how on Earth could this yellow-tinted chicken scratch sheet that looks like something a fourth grader spent ten seconds creating on Microsoft Publisher or any 1990s banner/certificate-maker software, not be real?

Politico's Ben Smith writes:

It appears instead to be a hospital “certificate of birth,” meaning the piece of paper the hospital gave to his family saying he was born. Such a document typically has the signature of the hospital administrator and the attending physician.
Trump lawyer and advisor Michael Cohen didn’t respond to Haberman’s question about the document.
Trump’s mother, it should be noted, was born in Scotland, which is not part of the United States. His plane is registered in the Bahamas, also a foreign country. This fact pattern — along with the wave of new questions surrounding what he claims is a birth certificate — raises serious doubts about his eligibility to serve as President of the United States.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what?? Since when does being the head of the Miss USA pageants not make you automatically eligible for President?

According to the Smoking Gun:

As seen above, he provided the conservative web site with what he purports to be his birth certificate. Except the document is not an official New York City birth certificate, but rather a document generated by Jamaica Hospital, where Trump's mother Mary reportedly gave birth in June 1946.
Official birth certificates are issued (and maintained) by the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene's Office of Vital Records.
So, what is Trump trying to conceal?

Other than the fact that he is from JAMAICA?? Isn't it obvious, people? The illegal alien he is harboring on his head, duh! For all we know, he picked up the tangled ol' rat's nest along the Mexican border, plunked it atop his big, fat skull, whipped up one of his signature instant Donald Trump™ birth certificates and put it to task living and working illegally in these United States.

Hmmm, sounds suspiciously Kenyan.

Not that it matters anyway, because he's white, err, whitish orange.

Which begs the other even more pressing, unanswered question surrounding Trump, how can one man be worth soooooo much and still be so God damn worthless??