Donald Trump Pretending To Be A Birther & Viable Presidential Candidate; Still Refuses To Shake Hands With Poor Schmucks Like Voters

Donald Trump, the loud mouth, oddly discolored, über classy Celebrity Apprentice host who makes a living shrieking, "You're Fired!" at frightened underlings, is still pretending to be seriously contemplating a bid for the once-every-four-years chance to squander his own money to get embarrassingly crushed by Barack Obama in the presidential elections.

And hell no, he won't shake hands after, whaddya freakin' nuts or something?

Anyway, so yeah, Donald Trump is still a few months away from his self-imposed deadline (during sweeps week, no less!) on whether or not to toss his hat with a diamond encrusted capital T into the ring as America's greatest next president...of bad toupees & gaudy, overpriced buildings.

Which gives him approximately another four months to score cheap headlines and milk his li'l faux presidential run for all it's worth. And knowing the Donald, your broke ass won't be able to afford it, anyway, mwahahahaha!

But let's humor him anyway, shall we!?

Oh, look, today must be 'pretend to be a Birther Day' because any Republican worth anything has just got to make up some reason or another why Barack Obama couldn't possibly have been born in the ol' U.S. of A!

"Let me tell you, I'm a really smart guy. I was a really good student at the best school in the country. The reason I have a little doubt, just a little, is because he grew up and nobody knew him," Trump said in the interview that aired Thursday.

"If I got the nomination, if I decide to run, you may go back and interview people from my kindergarten. They'll remember me. Nobody comes forward. Nobody knows who he is until later in his life. It's very strange," the Celebrity Apprentice host added. "The whole thing is very strange."

Strange, huh? Even stranger are all the interviews that just magically appeared from various people in Obama's kindergarten class. Like say, his teacher, Katherine Nakamoto, who in 2009, described a 5-year-old Barry Obama to the Maui News: “He was a cute, likable, heavy build-child. I could visualize Barry smiling, dressed in his long-sleeved, white shirt tucked into his brown Bermuda shorts, and wearing laced shoes."

Weirdo!

Or his third-grade classmate at Noelani Elementary School, Scott Inoue, now a chiropractor in California, who has a photo hanging in his office, "Scott & Barry 3rd grade 1969."

"He was a lot taller than me; he towered above most of us. I don't know why I remember that photo, but maybe it's because he had one of those personalities. Possibly because he was the only African-American in a school predominantly attended by Japanese," Inoue said.

Or possibly because he was really a secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist...from Kenya!

So, where are all of Donald Trump's kindergarten or elementary school teachers and classmates, huh? He knows they'll remember him.

He's probably right, too!

After all, it's pretty hard to forget the fat red-faced bully with spit dribbling down his chin, stains on his shirt, boogers in his nose, who stole everyone's lunch money, ate all the teacher's glue, and whose Pennies-for-Pencils program turned out to be the most precocious, successful Ponzi scheme in elementary school history.

Guess greatness is born, not made.