Ron Paul Likes His Airplane Seats Like He Likes His Citizens: In Different Classes

New (Old) Flavor of the month (white power chocolate mousse) Ron Paul is no stranger to controversy, thanks to his various racist, sexist and otherwise close-minded policies of limited government, even more limited brain power, and the freedom to be as selfish, asshole-ish, or basically Ron Paul-ish as humanly possible.

Like, say, the latest, greatest selection of newsletters allegedly penned by a certain Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul recently unearthed by the terrible, no-good liberal Jew run media, whose highlights, err lowlights, include:

• A segment called “Race War?” from the June 1990 issue of Political Report warns that a race war might be imminent due to “the victimization mentality created by the civil rights movement, where every black failure is a white crime. If there is indeed this sort of trouble ahead, it is just another reason why every honest American should be armed.”

• “Today, gangs of young blacks bust into a bank lobby firing rounds at the ceiling…We don’t think a child of 13 should be held as responsible as a man of 23. That’s true for most people, but black males age 13 who have been raised on the streets and who have joined criminal gangs are as big, strong, tough, scary and culpable as any adult, and should be treated as such” — a riff on bank robberies from the September 1992 issue of Survival Report.

• “Were there, as some people now say, two bombs that went off in the building? And might the government have the wrong man? Who doubts the possibility that the government – which lied about Waco and Ruby Ridge – may also be covering up true information and planting false information about the Oklahoma bombing?” — a conspiracy theory on the Oklahoma City bombing from the September 1996 Survival Report. 

• “Any organization hated by the IRS and the Trilaterialist Time magazine has got to have something going for it!” — a defense of the Church of Scientology in the June 1991 issue of the Political Report.

• “AIDS can be transmitted through means other than sexual intercourse and blood transfusion, specifically saliva, tears, sweat, feces and urine” — from the March 1987 edition of the Investment Report. In the same document, the author also called for the repeal of “federal laws which force schools to accept students known to carry a fatal, communicable disease, and businesses to employ adult victims as ‘handicapped.’”

• “[Magic] Johnson may be a sports star, but he is dying because he violated moral laws” — from the December 1991 issue of Political Report.

• “[T]he criminal ‘Justice’ Department wants to force dentists to treat these Darth Vader types under the vicious Americans With Disabilities Act” — a proclamation that AIDS patients (“Darth Vader types”) should not be allowed to visit the dentist, in the November 1993 issue of the Political Report. The author also adds, “[W]e all have the right to discriminate, which is what freedom of association is all about, especially against killers.”

OMG, so true! You know what else is true? The freedom of Karma to turn you into a frail, pathetic, decrepit old weirdo so vile and hateful even his eyebrows scrammed the hell off his face.

Which is almost as a-PAUL-ling as the self-proclaimed most "frugal and serious deficit hawk in the race" charging taxpayers nearly $52,000 all so he could fly in style, specifically first-class style, during his freqent trips between Washington and his home district in Texas.

From the AP:

But Paul's congressional travel conflicts with claims in campaign appearances that he's the most frugal and serious deficit hawk in the race.

"The talk you hear in Washington is pure talk, because there is nobody suggesting, the other candidates are not talking about real cuts," Paul said in a speech to supporters last week after his second-place finish in New Hampshire.

Now normally an elderly person who flies constantly with the means to fork over thousands of dollars to avoid being crammed into the steerage section of a commercial airliner is no big deal. More power to 'em!

But for a man who never votes for any budget or major spending bill and seriously thinks it is better to let people starve, drown, burn, or die of cancer in the streets than add one bloody red cent to the big bad gubmint deficit, is what the rest of the civilized world calls the worst kind of spineless hypocrite.

Because the person who is outraged by, say, a $25k public arts grant and is always prattling on about how "every little bit counts" and "you have to start somewhere" should at the very least not be the same one who tosses around hard-earned taxpayer money for a few extra inches of leg room, a hot towel, and the ability to look down on the stupid POVS who can't even afford to be on Ron's side of the curtain divider.

Not to mention, all the perfectly good federal money wasted on silly, trivial things like state-supported air traffic control, subsized airports, and paved landing strips when Ron Paul should know better than anyone that the invisible hand of the free market will surely keep his plane in the air and guide it safely on its journey, using not GPS and computers but smoke signals and supply side economics.

Truth is, if Ron was really serious about the whole thing, he'd go the old fashioned way, pulled by oxen in a covered wagon through dangerous, uncharted terrain and winding backwoods, untainted by Uncle Sam's coddling hand, but teeming with scurvy and dystentery just like the Good Lord and Ron Paul intended.

Screw Patrick Henry, thanks to Ron Paul, we can all take a deep breath and exclaim, "Give Me Liberty And Give Me Death!"

[image via AP]

Anti-Gay Alabama Wingnut Bill Johnson Is Against Sinful Same-Sex Families Unless He Has "A Hand" In Creating Them

Pop quiz: What does a failed, anti-gay, conservative Christian politician do two years after losing his 2009 campaign to become Alabama's newest, craziest, wingnut governor?

If you guessed embark on a lesbian-impregnating rampage in New Zealand, despite his own homophobic past and without the knowledge of his two-time Mrs. America finalist wife, give yourself a round of applause, you're right!

How does Bill Johnson, a crazed wingnut hack from 'Bama, go from preaching about the hot, erotic evils of homosinuality in America's Deep South to masturbating into a cup for lesbians 7,982 miles away in the Deep South Pacific?

Funny story!

A conservative Christian politician has a secret life as a sperm donor for lesbian couples - even though he has campaigned against gay marriage.
American politician Bill Johnson has spent most of this year in Christchurch helping run the earthquake recovery, all the while using the online persona "chchbill" to meet women who want help to get pregnant.
Under that persona, he has discussed making donations to at least nine women without the knowledge of his family in the US.
Three of the women are now pregnant, and Johnson has assisted another three with donations in the past month. It is believed he has been in communication with at least another three women to discuss sperm donation.
His actions as a sperm donor sparked concern in the fertility medicine community, whose guidelines recommend donations are made in the regulated environment of a fertility clinic, and that no man provide sperm donations to more than four families.

Then again, the guidelines also recommend staying away from sketchy, washed-up American political creeps and their anti-gay semen, but hell even Jesus couldn't resist a li'l hot lady-on-lady action, amiright?

But how did the intrepid newspaper reporters discover that freaky Alabama secret sperminator Bill Johnson was generously donating his potent man juice to all these lezzy ladies, despite campaigning against the very sinful same-sex family he's apparently now hell-bent on creating?

The Herald on Sunday approached Johnson on Thursday at a restaurant in Christchurch [New Zealand] where he had just finished dining with one of the women he had successfully impregnated.
He said the urge to become a biological father was “a need that I have.”

Don't you people get it? It wasn't a choice, it was a need! Like breathing or beating off into a Dixie cup. Ya know, normal stuff.

"Reproduction and having children is as basic a human need as eating," he told the Herald.

Okay, that too!

His wife, Kathy Johnson, on the other hand (no pun intended!), said the revelations were "the utmost of betrayal."

"This is a really, really difficult time for our family," she said. "I'm still in disbelief and very hurt, and our family has a lot of healing to do."

Oooh, is it sexual healing? Cause, if so, have I got the perfect guy for you!

"I am married to the most beautiful woman in the world. When I married her I knew we couldn't have any more children. She had a hysterectomy 10 years ago," he said. "There is nothing my wife would want to give me more in the world than a child of my own."

Really?? Cause I was thinking more along the lines of divorce papers or a swift kick in the nuts.

But don't worry not-even-almost-governor Bill Johnson! The people of Alabama still love you! After segregation and bestiality, masturbating into a cup is one of the state's most cherished pastimes!

Roll Tide, y'all! Or should I say Stroke?

[image via NZ Herald]

The Fighter In Herman Cain Wants To Keep Running For President, But The Lover In Him Has Forced His Premature Evacuation

Horny Godfather of grabassery Herman No He Cain't has gone and done the unthinkable. No, no, not shove another unsuspecting woman's head into his crotch or offer financial assistance to a dear "friend" by secretly putting his penis into her vagina at various hotels around the country. The other unthinkable thing, effectively ending his hilarious presidential campaign of one weird, humiliating gaffe and sexual harassment charge after another.

Oh, the Hermanity!

The New York Times reports on this unfolding tragedy:

An unapologetic and defiant Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign on Saturday, pledging that he “would not go away” even as he abandoned hope of winning the Republican nomination in the face of escalating accusations of sexual misconduct.
“As of today, with a lot of prayer and soul searching, I am suspending my presidential campaign,” Mr. Cain said at a rally that was originally planned to be the grand opening of his national campaign headquarters in Atlanta. “Because of the continued distractions, the continued hurt caused on me and my family, not because we are not fighters. Not because I’m not a fighter.”

But because he's a lover. And not just any lover, but a lover of creepy, unwanted sexual advances and crappy pizza stocked on gas station shelves.

He's also a fighter. Especially when it involves facts of any kind. Particularly the kind that has nice round breasts and a full, come-hither mouth it can use to call the media and give all the juicy details about the lover-fighter that is Herman Cain.

"I am not going to be silenced and I am not going away," he said with his wife Gloria at his side, vowing to continue to be "a voice for the people."

Especially the ladies. Whether they like it or not.

"I am disappointed that it came to this point, that we had to make this decision," Cain said. "These false and untrue allegations continue to be spinned in the media, and in the court of public opinion so as to create a cloud of doubt over me and this campaign and my family. That spin hurts. It hurts my wife. It hurts my family. It hurts me. And it hurts the American people, because you are being denied solutions to our problems."

Like the irresistibly sweet, black walnutty taste of Herman's Candy Cain?

"So one of declarations I want to make to you today is that I am at peace with my God. I am at peace with my wife, and she is at peace with me. And I am at peace with my family and at peace with myself," Cain said.

And with whatever hot piece of ass he befriends to help with her finances next.

Cain did, however, vow to keep fighting for his unique brand of conservatism (the crazy kind?) through his awesome new website, thecainsolution.com: 9-9-9 The Movie: Slaying the Tax Monster.

Likely followed by its sequel thecaindissolution.com: 9-9-9 The Divorce: Resurrecting The Pants Monster.

Looks like America will just have to grope its way back to prosperity, without the helping hand of Herman Cain, Godfather of Love.

Although, on the bright side, at least he gets to spend more time with his families.

[image via New York Times]

Anthony Weiner (& His Weiner) Head To Rehab To Learn How To Have A Proper Sex Scandal...The Kind That Involves Actually Getting Laid

So now that Anthony Weiner and his rock hard weiner abs have been turning up every which way in the never-ending dick joke that is now his life, the once-promising, loudmouth, star New York congressman has decided to do what every other shamed (Democratic) politician does when caught doing weird, naughty things: cries like a baby and goes to "rehab."

So condolences to CNN, MSNBC, CBS, PBS, ABC, and most of all, Fox News, whose days of providing cocksure liberal Anthony Weiner the perfect forum on which to hear his own terribly annoying voice, has been cut short, thanks to the terrible disease known as Twitter banging random womenfolk with sexytime pics of his luscious manscape.

And now, like Tiger Woods before him, Anthony Weiner is off to the crazy house, for treatment on how to avoid publicly humiliating yourself by sending pics of your peen en masse to unsuspecting women on the internets. Then maybe everyone will forget that his sordid sex scandal didn't even involve actual sex (sordid or otherwise) but rather just a bunch of tasteless photos of a shirtless Weiner grabbing his own weiner before most likely rubbing one out in the congressional gym shower.

And hopefully this scandal too will fizzle out, fall off the top of Google News, and return to its final resting place in the subconscious minds of the public as a constant reminder that all politicians are in fact lying scumbags who could maybe get something done if they didn't spend all their time admiring the stimulus package tucked beneath their pleated Dockers through a steamy, fogged up mirror.

It doesn't help that everybody who's anybody wants Weiner to quit and go away already, with Nancy Pelosi saying very stern, Grandma-ish things about how he should seek mental help “without the pressures of being a member of Congress.”

Oh please, like being insane ever stopped anyone from being in Congress!

Even President Obama got into the mix, saying, "I can tell you that, if it was me, I would resign."

Ummm, yeah Obama, because that would ever be you. Besides, everyone knows if it was you sending cock shots to teenagers on Twitter, you'd be less worried about your job and more concerned with getting your skinny ass into the Witness Protection Program before Michelle finds out and goes all Lorena Bobbitt on you.

In the meantime, Weiner hasn't resigned but is instead seeking some kind of "treatment" at an undisclosed treatment center somewhere in America, perhaps using a discount coupon from the new adult sexting startup: GropeOn.

As of now, House Democrats get to keep their Weiner, Republicans still have their Boehner, and Anthony Weiner accomplished his life-long goal of introducing the nation to its newest (and cockiest!) congressional member.

And from what we hear, he's a lot like his daddy: a real prick!

IMF Chief & Serial Sex Fiend Dominique Strauss-Kahn Probably Just Confused A Hotel Maid With A Third-World Country

Sacré bleu! International Man of Mystery Monetary Fund chief (aka the man in charge of the world's cash money) Dominique Strauss-Kahn was hauled off an Air France flight (first class, of course!) minutes before take-off all because cops say he tried to rape a lowly hotel maid before hightailing his pricey li'l derrière to the airport and the hell back to France, where weird sexytime habits help get candidates elected president. The kinkier the better!

Oooh la la!

Unfortunately for Strauss-Kahn, on this side of the pond, locking frightened service industry employees (or actual, paid-for-hire prostitutes) in your lavish hotel suite is usually not considered winning (sorry Charlie!) and raping anyone, even if it is just an immigrant hotel staffer from Africa, is generally frowned upon by both those in charge of the world's money and those who serve the people in charge of the world's money.  

The New York Daily News provides the sordid details of the alleged assault:

The 32-year-old Sofitel hotel maid provided a terrifying account of the attack to cops.
At about 1 p.m., she walked into Strauss-Kahn's $3,000-a-night-suite - Room 2806 - at the posh W. 44th St. hotel, thinking it was empty.
Strauss-Kahn emerged from the bathroom naked, chased her down the hallway in his suite and yanked her into a bedroom, where he sexually assaulted her, the maid told police.
She fought him off, but he dragged her into the bathroom, forced her to perform oral sex and tried to peel off her panties.
At one point, he tried to lock the suite's door.
The woman escaped, scampered out of the room and alerted a hotel staffer, who called 911, according to cops.

The frisky 62 year-old French cassanova nicknamed "the great seducer" for his "reputation raping women with women" apparently high-tailed it out of the hotel before cops arrived, leaving his cell phone and any perceived chance of innocence behind.

"It looked like he got out of there in a hurry," NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said.

You'd scram like the dickens too if you just had your creepy old man way with some poor traumatized woman attempting to bring fresh towels to your room only to end up fending off the fresh attempted rape advances of some sleazy moneybags from France.

I mean seriously, what kind of rich & powerful person hasn't been in a four-star hotel and thought, "Hmm, today feels like a great day to rape somebody from the housekeeping staff!"

C'mon people! Don't you see Dominique was just doing his job!? Desperate times call for desperate measures!

Why else would the International Monetary Fund be forced to start raping people one at a time?

Is Everyone's Fave Straight-As-A-Southern-Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham About To Be Outed As A Deviant, Army Distracting Homosexual?

South Carolina's favorite sexually ambiguous native son, lifelong bachelor, and lesbian look-a-like senior Senator Lindsey Graham is always reliably against deviant homosexuals having any basic human rights in America because well, Lindsey's a Republican, y'all!

And not just any gay-bashin' war lovin' rough 'n tumble conservative from below the Mason-Dixon line, but a certain effeminate, never-been-married gent (which pretty much proves everything), whose been hounded by gay rumors ever since he first pranced on the political scene back in the '90s when Right Said Fred was still doing his little turn on the catwalk.

Sadly, despite all of Lindsey's noble efforts to distance himself from the hideous queers by trying desperately to keep them away from America's sacred heterosexual altars and military barracks, the rainbow rumors just won't go away!

Even his convincing declaration in a 2009 New York Times Magazine interview, "I ain't gay" isn't enough to keep the not-at-all-suspicious spring out his perfectly straight step.

To make matters even worse, gay rights activist and world famous outer of closeted, hypocritical, self-loathing politicians, Mike Rogers, claims to have "pictures of a man who spent the night" with Sen. Lindsey Graham, which is absolutely CRAZY because everyone knows Republicans cannot be gay because of Jesus 'n the bible 'n stuff.

But Mike Rogers' Twitter account says otherwise:

I wonder if Lindsey Graham knows I have pictures of a man who spent the night at his house. pls RT
– 10:57 AM Dec 18th
Just reached lawyer at home. Meeting set for Tues. on releasing pix of man who spent night at Lindsey Graham’s.
– 11:05 AM Dec 18th

But what ever does Mr. Rogers (sorry, I couldn't resist) mean by "pictures of a man who spent the night" at Graham's house? Pictures of his secret little boy toy/luggage handler scurrying furtively from his front porch wearing nothing but a silk robe and slippers? Candid shots of a loving embrace, steamy goodbye kiss or otherwise compromising position of the Senator and his special man friend?

Perhaps it was just his bestest friend in the whole world, John McCain, paying his fellow Grand Old Patriot a friendly visit for a quick round of Twister while discussing all the terrible "gay distractions" swirling around the old man's deranged, rapidly deteriorating mind?

Because one thing America will not, cannot afford is all these God-awful "gay distractions" causing once full-bodied, straight-as-an-arrow soldiers to suddenly go gay crazy, start blowing one another, only to get their limbs blown off and turn the entire United States Armed Forces into a bunch of limbless sissies, who'd probably be waving not mighty, beautiful red, white, and blue stars 'n stripes, but hideous rainbow and pink triangle flags.

If only they still had their arms.

The Supremely Sordid Tale Of Justice Clarence Thomas, His Crazy Wife Ginni, & A 7 A.M. Phone Call No One In Their Right Mind Should Ever Make

Ooooh, A Supreme Love Triangle!

Hmmm, a word of advice to anyone whose spouse has been accused of sexual harassment, whether it is during their very contentious Supreme Court confirmation hearing or not: do not, I repeat, do not call the accuser out of the blue at 7:30 a.m. on a Saturday morning politely asking for an apology. I don't care if 20 years have passed since the vile woman (Anita Hill) accused your perfect hubby (Justice Clarence Thomas) of doing all sorts of weird, distasteful things with his pubes (eww, gross!) and a can of diet coke, or if you're still feeling a little bit salty about the whole thing because well, you just know your lovely man would never, ever do such vulgar, terrible things. Neverrrrrrr!

Still, this is never a good reason to leave a delightfully passive-aggressive voicemail nicely asking your hubby's former-aide-turned-accuser if she maybe felt like apologizing for being so darn sexy that sweet, darling, innocent Clarence had no choice but to constantly chat her up about breasts, porn, pubic hair and whatever other weird, distasteful things qualified as sexual harassment in the '80s.

So while Anita Hill was spending her Columbus Day Weekend doing whatever it is liberal Brandeis law professors do on their three-day weekends commemorating Christopher Columbus' discovery and subsequent destruction of America's indigenous cultures (light Shabbat candles?), Virginia "Ginni" Thomas was doing what real American patriots who run sketchy anti-Obama grassroots organizations do (other than rejoicing over said destruction of indigenous cultures!): heard the voice of Jesus Christ commanding her to dial up Anita Hill promptly at sunrise on Saturday and leave the following, not-at-all-bizarre, inappropriate message:

"Good morning Anita Hill, it’s Ginni Thomas. I just wanted to reach across the airwaves and the years and ask you to consider something. I would love you to consider an apology sometime and some full explanation of why you did what you did with my husband. So give it some thought. And certainly pray about this and hope that one day you will help us understand why you did what you did. O.K., have a good day."

Oh, Ginny! Didn't our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ teach you anything about randomly calling up the woman who two decades earlier accused your lovely hubby and now powerful Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, of being some weird sex fiend, asking her to apologize for your husband being a sick sexytime perv, and then having the sheer audacity to hope she enjoys the rest of her lovely day?

Did Anita Hill have a good day? Eh, probably not, unless you consider spending almost a week trying to decide whether the insane message was really left by Ginni Thomas or some teenage prankster from 4chan before forwarding it to the Brandeis campus police and letting the FBI deal with it, as some relaxing, all-expense paid spa vacation in a luxury tropical resort.

Cause Anita Hill doesn't. Maybe because this isn't the first time that ol' sparkplug Ginni Thomas has taken it upon herself to "reach out" to Miss Hill and demand a deep, heartfelt apology for her husband being such a hot, sexy stud that she simply could not resist his smooth, chocolatey charms all those years ago when she testified before Congress and shattered Ginni's Ambien-clouded, Tea-soaked world, where her husband wasn't some secret sex creep.

“Virginia Thomas and I have never met," Hill writes in her memoir, "and one can imagine that she is guided by her own romantic interest in her husband when she assumes that other women find him attractive as well.”

Awww, snap!

Oh, what, like the sight of a balding, massive 285lb, 62-year-old Uncle Tom nutjob in a robe doesn't make you start tingling all over, particularly in those sinful, private places Christine O'Donnell would never dare touch??

“I thought it was certainly inappropriate,” Ms. Hill said. “It came in at 7:30 a.m. on my office phone from somebody I didn’t know, and she is asking for an apology. It was not invited. There was no background for it.”

Well excuuuuuuse Ginny for not knowing she needed permission to extend such a nice, sweet, generous peacemaking gesture as a 7:00 o'clock weekend wake-up call demanding an apology for publicly admitting all the gross things Clarence Thomas subjected her to, like whispering sweet nothings into her ear about the naughty things he's gonna do to her on the bench with a gavel.

“I did place a call to Ms. Hill at her office extending an olive branch to her after all these years, in hopes that we could ultimately get past what happened so long ago,” she said. “That offer still stands. I would be very happy to meet and talk with her if she would be willing to do the same. Certainly no offense was ever intended.”

“I appreciate that no offense was intended, but she can’t ask for an apology without suggesting that I did something wrong, and that is offensive,” Hill said.

Not as offensive as the other no-good, lying whore Lillian McEwen, the latest wretched woman to come forth with terrible smears, conjured up tales about the sexual exploits of a certain Supremely handsome chocolately-hued Justice who she used to date and is probably just jealous that Ginni gets his hunky hot bod all to herself. That or she simply hates conservatives so much she is "stooping to the age-old blunt instrument of accusing a black man of sexual misconduct,” like Clarence is so fond of saying.

Sadly, Lillian McEwen did not get the chance to testify at ol' Clarey's confirmation hearings because although the two used to have a romantic relationship in addition to a work one, Clarence never even raped her or served her a chilled can of ice cold diet coke with a fresh sampling of his own Supreme pubes, like Anita, the lucky bitch!

But Lillian has is now breaking her 19-year silence because she is shopping a new memoir, debuting her new reality teevee show heard about that weird thing Ginni did to Anita, and well, it really rubbed ol' Lillian the wrong way. Unlike how Clarence used to rub her, of course!

“He was obsessed with porn,” she said of Thomas, who is now 63. “He would talk about what he had seen in magazines and films, if there was something worth noting.”

Ummm, gross?

“He was always actively watching the women he worked with to see if they could be potential partners,” McEwen said matter-of-factly. “It was a hobby of his.”

Thomas would also tell her about women he encountered at work. He was partial to women with large breasts, she said. In an instance at work, Thomas was so impressed that he asked one woman her bra size, McEwen recalled him telling her.

Whatever. So the dude's got a thing for all different color women with large breasts. I mean, like who doesn't? Besides Scalia, Alito and the whole "different color" part of course!

Another woman, Sukari Hardnett, who worked as a special assistant to Thomas in 1985 and 1986, wrote in a letter to the Judiciary Committee that "If you were young, black, female and reasonably attractive, you knew full well you were being inspected and auditioned as a female" by Thomas.

Better than being auditioned as some weird tranny, no? You should see what that sex freak Chief Justice Roberts makes 'em do!

McEwen recalls writing Thomas a short note before the confirmation hearings, curious about what she should say if she were quizzed about their relationship. She said Thomas preferred that she would take “the same attitude of his first wife,” who never talked publicly about their relationship.

Yes, when in doubt, always act like the first wife (not the one who makes bizarre, pre-dawn phone calls). Got it?

Through the years, McEwen said, she has remained reasonably friendly with Thomas. Still, McEwen, a Democrat, acknowledges growing increasingly irritated with Thomas's conservative jurisprudence and his penchant for casting himself as a victim in the Hill controversy.

But now, she says, "I know Clarence would not be happy with me. I have no hostility toward him," McEwen said. "It is just that he has manufactured a different reality over time. That's the problem that he has."

Other than that crazy cracker wife Ginni and a chronic habit of sexually harassing every big-breasted lady lucky enough to land on his big, black dick, errr, docket. Docket! I mean docket!

Hooray! Right Wing Succeeds In Getting Innocent USDA Lady Fired, Degrading The Race Debate, & Making Everyone Involved Look Terrible, Except Photoshop!

Word of advice to the Obama administration. Next time some rightwing media blight like Andrew Breitbart releases some highly misleading, clearly tampered with video showing (former?) USDA’s Georgia Director Of Rural Development Shirley Sherrod--whose job is was to basically help poor people (of all colors!) not get screwed out of their farms--as a terrible racist like the rest of the NAACP, perhaps a wise idea would be to maybe use your brains and at least look into the facts of the situation before having an administration-wide panic attack and immediately firing that person like some idiot coward.

Just a suggestion. Ya know, one of those "lessons learned" moments. So maybe the next time you get handed a bogus wingnut video proving, without a doubt, that Shirley Sherrod is totally 100% an out-of-context, edited racist, you'll know better than to let freakin' ANDREW BREITBART become THE authority on who's racist and who's spent the last, oh, I don't know, 20 years fighting the very racism that caused all this trouble in the first place?

Just in case you don't feel the need to have another humiliating scandal that makes you look really scared and really stupid, courtesy of fat white slobs who aren't even in the Republicans in Congress! Unless, of course you want the current political discourse to be hijacked by slovenly hate mongers who insist it's the NAACP who are racist hypocrites (and probably slave owners too!), not scumbag journalists whose job is to make as many baseless, incendiary attacks as possible, with the end result being more embarrassing firings of perfectly innocent, slandered staffers.

Oh, and while we're at it, perhaps the NAACP could also try to remember for a second that they are called the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People and not the National Association for Throwing Random Black People Under The Bus Because Andrew Bretibart Tells You To.

Jesus Christ! I mean seriously people. Then maybe we can actually avoid embarrassing White House shake-ups, awkward retractions and apologies, presidential phone calls, and your basic all-around shitshow, distracting from what is really important:

Getting as much, or as little, accomplished as the Grand Obstructionist Party and Fox News will let them.

If they get on their knees and beg for their forgiveness. Oh, and promise to take back all the terrible things they've already done like help poor people and/or children not die from lack of health care, and make sure Wall Street doesn't get filthy rich doing filthy things to the nation's economy, and of course, its easily preyed upon citizenry.

Haha, who those dumb old things?  Don't worry about them. The GOP certainly won't after they bamboozle you out of power, take back both congressional chambers, and control of this country from the racists and bigots at the NAACP and in the White House.

That way, Obama and all the others can go hang with the rest of the unemployed Americans fired for absolutely no reason whatsoever, because America functions so much better when it's governed by Apex predators, who are never racist and have a knack for avoiding unasked-for-media circuses by terrible, discredited human beings (and we use the term "human beings" lightly), who vomit on their keyboard and get decent, hard-working women like Shirley Sherrod the ol' heave ho for having a brain and character, being honest, and caring deeply about her fellow human beings.

In other words, the complete opposite of Andrew Breitbart.

So, congratulations America on achieving another made-up media spectacle based on absolutely nothing and propelling the race debate in America further into the gutter!

Just watch out for Andrew Breitbart, he's known to lurk in dirty, unsuitable for most oxygen-breathing organisms who don't scavenge off the miseries of others.

But on the bright side, isn't it simply wonderful living in a beautiful, color-free world where a black man can be president and racism no longer exists except of course when said black president is forced to run scared and fire innocent, decades-long proponents of civil rights all because the White Man told him to?

Which makes perfect sense, considering everything Whites have had to endure, what with first losing their slaves, and then having to share bathrooms, buses, restaurants, water fountains, and even public schools (gasp!) with them.

Haven't the poor, long-suffering Whites been through enough?

Like Mother, Like Son: Meg Whitman's Offspring Also Under Fire For Beating Up A Girl, Hooray!

Billionaire ex-eBay CEO Meg Whitman, who for some reason spent $71 million of her own vast fortune to win the GOP primary for the utterly unwanted job of California Governor, is naturally "qualified" for the position because of her very important work selling assorted crap to the world via the Internets for a while.

But that's not it! Magnificent Margaret also has the exact temperament a person could want for their esteemed state leader, including a wonderfully short-fuse and proclivity for flying into violent rages over trivial things like cartoon computer games for people who hope their "Second Life" fares a tad better than the pathetic, miserable existence known as their "Actual Life."

Even better than flying into blind rages and spontaneously attacking frightened subordinates (then paying li'l six-figure settlements to shut the stupid Asian bitch up), is passing this awesome inability to control one's furious temper on to the rest of the storied Whitman clan, including her two notoriously delinquent sons, Griff and Will Harsh (whose surnames are not in the least bit ironic!).

Well Mama Meg should be beaming with maternal pride over the wonderful news that her eldest son Griffith Rutherford Harsh V is following in the family's footsteps with his first felony battery charge for breaking a woman's ankle after the stupid bitch said some terrible, MEANY comment about his favoritest Princeton fraternity.

A 22-year-old woman named Valerie Sanchez was riding a bus to Palo Alto's Blue Chalk Cafe on the night of May 26, 2006 when she crossed paths with Griffith Rutherford Harsh V, Meg's eldest son and a notoriously delinquent drunkard sophomore at Princeton at the time.

According to a police report filed later that night, Sanchez and her friends had mocked his fraternity and said "fuck you" and "fuck your fraternity" to him before Sanchez swiped Griff's baseball cap off his head. The altercation escalated when both parties arrived at Blue Chalk Cafe. According to Valerie's statement to the police, they were inside the bar when Griff "pushed" her "with two open hands on her chest and shoulder area." She fell down and felt her right ankle "snap." A nearby security guard witnessed the event and corroborated Valerie's version of the events.

Sadly, the police did not buy Griff's airtight "version" of the incident, and the 6'1", 195-lb. Griffith was charged with felony battery, with the paperwork from his arrest identifying him as "clean shaven" white man with a "hair style" of "punk." And we can only assume, with a 'tude of gangsta, no doubt!

But even badass mofos like Griff need mommy's help from time to time!

The next morning, Meg Whitman, Griff's mother and then the CEO of eBay, posted Griff's $25,000 bail with a cashier's check and brought her son home. Nine court dates followed over the next year, but the charges were ultimately dismissed, although it's unclear why. (Why, there could be BILLION$ of reasons!)

Of course, this wasn't Junior's first run-in with the law. The infamous Blue Chalk Cafe brawl, where Griff beat up a chick, occurred after his sophomore year at elitist, arugula-eating Princeton. Though originally a member of the class of 2008, Griff ended up graduating in 2009 after a year-long disciplinary probation, ironically including a ban from the snazzy $30M residential complex mother dearest so generously built.

Boys will be boys!

Good thing Meggy didn't register to vote until seven years ago because "she was focused on raising a family..."

Time, apparently, well spent!

Just look at the upstanding pillars of society Meg so skillfully reared from cradle to classy young delinquents who get tossed out of Princeton eating establishments for throwing alcohol and racial epithets every which way.

From the campus rag The Nassau Weekly:

Overheard at Charter [eating club]
Griff Harsh (Meg Whitman's son) throws beer in Guy's face.
Guy: You can't do that to people.
Griff Harsh (points at himself): Billionaire.

And let's not forgot the also-famous exploits of younger brother Will, who much like older bro Griff (and let's not forget mama Meg!), is well-schooled in the ways of acting like an out-of-control douchebag, who has no use for the word consequence since that is only for poor losers like me and you, not rich, spoiled billionaires like he and Griff.

Griff's non-refundable membership to Cottage [eating club] was paid in full when he got suspended. So some of the officers would let Will attend some meals and formals events in his brother's place until Will got banned from there.

The story goes that Will yelled "what are all these niggers doing here?" one night when all the members of the Black Arts Company where there to celebrate a show they had performed. Cottage is know as one of the whiter clubs on campus so I assume that he was shocked to see so many black people there in a night. He was already on notice with Cottage officers because of an altercation he started with a bouncer early in the year.

Well raise 'em she sure did! But now that her sons are all growd up, and have put their beer-guzzling, prep-school expelled, drunken, racist, hell-raising past of privileged little consequence behind them, Meg Whitman is now free to help rear the good people of California back from the brink of financial ruin and once again wreak havoc on meek, tech-savvy Asian underlings throughout the Golden State.

Hasta la vista, Ahnold, there's a new Governator in town!

Oh, and a word to the wise, no matter what happens, always remember, you "fell down the stairs," capisce?

Michael Steele Bravely Cracks The Whip, Firing Two RNC Scapegoats For His S&M Sexytime Fun

Is Michael Eyeing Another Prime Chance To Screw His Party?

Perpetual butt of late night talk shows and even-later night scandals involving lesbian bondage clubs, big pimpin' RNC Chairman Michael Steele has finally stepped up and taken responsibility for the Republican Party's reckless, sexytime spending sprees at various, upscale lezzy S&M clubs, if by "stepping up," you mean fired the dickens out of his finance director and deputy finance director. The latest two hapless sods to find themselves without jobs, but plenty of sweet-ass memories of wild weekends past to commemorate their time as RNC bigwigs.

Which is great news because this means Michael Steele can continue his full-time job simultaneously humiliating and destroying the Grand Old Party of wealthy, sex-crazed white men who don't much care for charming, competent half-black presidents. Hooray!

The RNC's Superman 'o Steele asked for the resignations of both the organization's finance director, Rob Bickhart, and his deputy finance director, Debbie LeHardy, so that America's Number One accidental comedian can continue to wreak havoc on his favoritest, off the hook, hip-hop Party of Youth, and still provide hilarious jokes for the rest of us.

In a statement, Steele's newest, soon-to-also-be-fired, Chief of Staff Michael Leavitt said: "While we appreciate their service to the RNC and wish them well in future endeavors, the Chairman felt it was important to restructure the department in order to continue to improve on our strong fundraising numbers."

Which, as it turns out, have actually been as strong as "Steele", if that steel has been melted, bent, dissected, and neglected long enough to turn its illustrious sheen into perfectly corroded rust.

Thanks to their high rollin' Chairman's savvy finance skills, including dropping stacks o' Benjies at hot, faux lesbo nightclubs, private jets, limousines, lavish hotels, shopping sprees at upscale boutiques for clothes, liquor, and other run-of-the-mill "office supplies," and of course, their brilliant, race-baiting cartoon slideshow, using fear and prejudice to attract donors, the Grand Old Party has managed to isolate just about every deep pocketed Republican, not bed-ridden or dementia-ravaged.

In fact, according to the latest disclosure reports, the RNC has raised $121 million for the 2010 cycle, but spent $125 million, which gives it a grand total of $11 million cash-on-hand. The DNC, on the other hand, has raised less, $114 million, but also spent less, $105 million, leaving it with $15 million in the bank. Which we can only assume will go not to late night field trips stuffing cash down strippers' panties, but electing actual Democrats to Congress, and other esteemed political positions that don't involve dancing around a poll.

But, fear not Republicans, because Leavitt expressed confidence that the latest (but probably not last!) shakeup at the RNC will only strengthen the Party's election effort in the fall.

"We are well positioned for victory this fall and this addition to the team will only help us to provide the necessary resources to defeat Democrats across the country," he said.

Like chains and whips?

But, hopefully, this time they'll be the one's doing the whipping, instead of staying stuck in their other favorite position: down on all fours, gagged, bound, blindfolded, and begging for more...chances to humiliate themselves on a national scale.