IMF Chief & Serial Sex Fiend Dominique Strauss-Kahn Probably Just Confused A Hotel Maid With A Third-World Country

Sacré bleu! International Man of Mystery Monetary Fund chief (aka the man in charge of the world's cash money) Dominique Strauss-Kahn was hauled off an Air France flight (first class, of course!) minutes before take-off all because cops say he tried to rape a lowly hotel maid before hightailing his pricey li'l derrière to the airport and the hell back to France, where weird sexytime habits help get candidates elected president. The kinkier the better!

Oooh la la!

Unfortunately for Strauss-Kahn, on this side of the pond, locking frightened service industry employees (or actual, paid-for-hire prostitutes) in your lavish hotel suite is usually not considered winning (sorry Charlie!) and raping anyone, even if it is just an immigrant hotel staffer from Africa, is generally frowned upon by both those in charge of the world's money and those who serve the people in charge of the world's money.  

The New York Daily News provides the sordid details of the alleged assault:

The 32-year-old Sofitel hotel maid provided a terrifying account of the attack to cops.
At about 1 p.m., she walked into Strauss-Kahn's $3,000-a-night-suite - Room 2806 - at the posh W. 44th St. hotel, thinking it was empty.
Strauss-Kahn emerged from the bathroom naked, chased her down the hallway in his suite and yanked her into a bedroom, where he sexually assaulted her, the maid told police.
She fought him off, but he dragged her into the bathroom, forced her to perform oral sex and tried to peel off her panties.
At one point, he tried to lock the suite's door.
The woman escaped, scampered out of the room and alerted a hotel staffer, who called 911, according to cops.

The frisky 62 year-old French cassanova nicknamed "the great seducer" for his "reputation raping women with women" apparently high-tailed it out of the hotel before cops arrived, leaving his cell phone and any perceived chance of innocence behind.

"It looked like he got out of there in a hurry," NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said.

You'd scram like the dickens too if you just had your creepy old man way with some poor traumatized woman attempting to bring fresh towels to your room only to end up fending off the fresh attempted rape advances of some sleazy moneybags from France.

I mean seriously, what kind of rich & powerful person hasn't been in a four-star hotel and thought, "Hmm, today feels like a great day to rape somebody from the housekeeping staff!"

C'mon people! Don't you see Dominique was just doing his job!? Desperate times call for desperate measures!

Why else would the International Monetary Fund be forced to start raping people one at a time?

Former Bush White House Official (Not Named Dick Cheney) Charged With Attempted Murder of Wife, Self

Former Bush administration Deputy Counsel (and all around swell guy) John Michael Farren has left his wild days as the go-to guy for all legal issues concerning President George W. Bush and the White House in order to spend some quality time trying to kill himself and his lovely wife Mary at their upscale suburban Connecticut home, two days after she presented divorce papers over what she called his "explosive temper." Hahaha, women.

Apparently, Farren figured what better way to enjoy his idyllic, post-political life than by choking his darling longtime wife and beating her senseless with a flashlight before turning the knife on himself and threatening to slit his wrists in a beautiful homicide/suicide combo act of devotion.

Only slight problem being neither John Michael Farren nor his wife Mary are actually dead. Whoops.

So now Mr. Hot Shot attorney whose savvy legal knowledge was used not by one, but both Bush presidents (coincidence?), is spending his peaceful private sector days languishing in a jail cell where he's being held on attempted murder and first-degree strangulation charges for $2 million bond. Ha, chump change. Thanks to Bush's nice tax cuts, even someone in the White House's second salary bracket should have no problem covering that.

"We are saddened to hear the news," said David Sherzer, spokesman for George W. Bush. "This is a personal matter and we will not be commenting on it."

Fred Fielding, Farren's former boss in the White House counsel office, said, "This report is sad and stunning, and completely out of character to anyone who knows or has worked with Mike."

Usually, former Bush staffers get away with their crimes.

But then again their experience is typically more of the high crimes against humanity variety. Attempted first-degree murder of a spouse is soooooo vanilla.