Anti-Gay Alabama Wingnut Bill Johnson Is Against Sinful Same-Sex Families Unless He Has "A Hand" In Creating Them

Pop quiz: What does a failed, anti-gay, conservative Christian politician do two years after losing his 2009 campaign to become Alabama's newest, craziest, wingnut governor?

If you guessed embark on a lesbian-impregnating rampage in New Zealand, despite his own homophobic past and without the knowledge of his two-time Mrs. America finalist wife, give yourself a round of applause, you're right!

How does Bill Johnson, a crazed wingnut hack from 'Bama, go from preaching about the hot, erotic evils of homosinuality in America's Deep South to masturbating into a cup for lesbians 7,982 miles away in the Deep South Pacific?

Funny story!

A conservative Christian politician has a secret life as a sperm donor for lesbian couples - even though he has campaigned against gay marriage.
American politician Bill Johnson has spent most of this year in Christchurch helping run the earthquake recovery, all the while using the online persona "chchbill" to meet women who want help to get pregnant.
Under that persona, he has discussed making donations to at least nine women without the knowledge of his family in the US.
Three of the women are now pregnant, and Johnson has assisted another three with donations in the past month. It is believed he has been in communication with at least another three women to discuss sperm donation.
His actions as a sperm donor sparked concern in the fertility medicine community, whose guidelines recommend donations are made in the regulated environment of a fertility clinic, and that no man provide sperm donations to more than four families.

Then again, the guidelines also recommend staying away from sketchy, washed-up American political creeps and their anti-gay semen, but hell even Jesus couldn't resist a li'l hot lady-on-lady action, amiright?

But how did the intrepid newspaper reporters discover that freaky Alabama secret sperminator Bill Johnson was generously donating his potent man juice to all these lezzy ladies, despite campaigning against the very sinful same-sex family he's apparently now hell-bent on creating?

The Herald on Sunday approached Johnson on Thursday at a restaurant in Christchurch [New Zealand] where he had just finished dining with one of the women he had successfully impregnated.
He said the urge to become a biological father was “a need that I have.”

Don't you people get it? It wasn't a choice, it was a need! Like breathing or beating off into a Dixie cup. Ya know, normal stuff.

"Reproduction and having children is as basic a human need as eating," he told the Herald.

Okay, that too!

His wife, Kathy Johnson, on the other hand (no pun intended!), said the revelations were "the utmost of betrayal."

"This is a really, really difficult time for our family," she said. "I'm still in disbelief and very hurt, and our family has a lot of healing to do."

Oooh, is it sexual healing? Cause, if so, have I got the perfect guy for you!

"I am married to the most beautiful woman in the world. When I married her I knew we couldn't have any more children. She had a hysterectomy 10 years ago," he said. "There is nothing my wife would want to give me more in the world than a child of my own."

Really?? Cause I was thinking more along the lines of divorce papers or a swift kick in the nuts.

But don't worry not-even-almost-governor Bill Johnson! The people of Alabama still love you! After segregation and bestiality, masturbating into a cup is one of the state's most cherished pastimes!

Roll Tide, y'all! Or should I say Stroke?

[image via NZ Herald]

New Alabama Governor Wants To Know Who's Your Daddy? (Hint: If It Doesn't Rhyme With Reese's, You're A Bastard No One Loves!)

Governor-elect of everyone's favorite backwater blemish on the nation Alabama (where else?) Robert Bentley decided to honor Martin Luther King Jr. Day by giving a speech at the very Dexter Avenue King Memorial Baptist Church where the late civil rights leader Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. was once pastor himself!

Oooh, how beautiful! How historic! How totally un-Alabama like!

It started out promising enough, too, with Bentley saying all the right things to make a person feel all warm 'n cuddly (and not even about-to-be-strung-up-in-a-tree) inside.

Bentley began by telling the crowd it was important for Alabamians ''that we love and care for each other."

''You know, (for) a lot of people, it's hard to trust a Republican governor," Bentley said. ''Let me tell you. I want to tell you today that I promise you that I'm going to do everything I can for everybody in this state."

"I was elected as a Republican candidate. But once I became governor ... I became the governor of all the people. I intend to live up to that. I am color blind."

Ah yes, but does that include Crimson, good sir??

Hmm, go on?

"There may be some people here today who do not have living within them the Holy Spirit," Bentley said.

Umm, guilty as charged?

''But if you have been adopted in God's family like I have, and like you have if you're a Christian and if you're saved, and the Holy Spirit lives within you just like the Holy Spirit lives within me, then you know what that makes? It makes you and me brothers. And it makes you and me brother and sister."

Hooray! One big happy (inbred) family! Yay, my 'Bama bros 'n hos! Haha, jk Jesus, don't worry!

But then things got slightly strange, even by freaky Southern fried Alabama standards.

''Now I will have to say that, if we don't have the same daddy, we're not brothers and sisters. So anybody here today who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their savior, I'm telling you, you're not my brother and you're not my sister, and I want to be your brother."

Wait, but I thought everyone in Alabama was already brother and sister!

Um, OK! But still, the speech was totally all about brotherhood and unity. The brotherhood of white knights in white robes and white hoods on horseback, and the unity of everyone forcibly converting to Christianity, I guess!

Asked later if he meant to be insulting to people of other faiths, Bentley replied, ''We're not trying to insult anybody."

Well, except Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Atheists, & all other Godless heretics condemned to burn in raging hellfire for all eternity.

So, umm go Bentley!?

The Rolls Royce of racist redneck gubnors from piss-poor, ass backwards, red-headed stepchild states no one pays attention to until it goes and does something weird and racist and well, all Alabama-ey.

Roll Tide, y'all!

Class Dismissed! Alabama Shows America How It Rolls: Square Wheels + Right-Wing Angles = Lowest Common Denominator

Ah yes, Alabama, the Crimson-tinted land of enlightenment and progress. One of the last remaining beacons  of light and hope in the dismal failure known as the post-antebellum "United States Experiment." But producing cotton, resisting integration and assassinating civil rights leaders isn't the only thing the Heart of Dixie brings to the table. No sir-ee!

When it comes to education, Alabama is naturally at the top of the class, with the brightest of minds headin' south of the Mason-Dixon line to teach all about how man descended from Adam before generously donating part of his rib to create that other highly emotional, lesser intelligent, inferior species called women, in case he got hungry or his cave needed a good spring cleaning or just some tidying up. You can never be too prepared!

But that's not all! The fine educators down in 'Bama also know a thing or two about mathematics, the origins of which has nothing to do with the terrible Arabs of course, because such uncivilized (non-white) people know nothing of numbers or equations, only terrorism, subverting women, and threatening Comedy Central cartoonists for drawing an animated version of Muhammad, the single worst offense in the entire history of mankind.

Almost as bad as like 10,000 Holocausts, at least!

Which is why it comes as no real surprise that one of Alabama's very own esteemed educators decided what better way to teach the kiddies about angles, lines and other boring geometric concepts than by using a hypothetical assassination of President Barack Obama?

Much like most mathematical concepts involving random letters and numbers divided by square roots and multiplied by negative integers, this too makes perfect sense!

The Secret Service investigated a teacher in Jefferson County, Alabama after he "he picked the wrong example" and used a hypothetical assassination of President Obama to teach angles to his geometry students, the Birmingham News reports:

The teacher was apparently teaching his geometry students about parallel lines and angles, officials said. He used the example of where to stand and aim if shooting Obama.



“He was talking about angles and said, ‘If you’re in this building, you would need to take this angle to shoot the president,’ ” said Joseph Brown, a senior in the geometry class.



The Secret Service questioned the math teacher, but decided not to arrest him or charge him with a crime.

Instead, Superintendent Phil Hammonds called the incident “extremely poor judgment” and “a poor choice of words,” but said he has no plans to fire the teacher. “We are going to have a long conversation with him about what’s appropriate,” Hammonds said.

Yes, a sternly worded conversation should just about do it. After all, no harm, no foul, right??

"We did not find a credible threat," said Roy Sex­ton, special agent in charge of Birmingham's Secret Service office. "As far as the Secret Service is concerned, we looked into it, we talked to the gentleman and we have closed our investigation."

It's about time, too! I mean it did already happen like almost an entire day ago, for cryin' out loud!

It's not like the man was encouraging his students to kill HUSSEIN OBAMA using parallel lines and cotangents, or anything even remotely like that. C'mon, that would be insane!

No, no, he was simply showing his class the fun, patriotic things you can do with shapes and angles, like shoot illegal Muslim terrorist presidents from Kenya in the head, and save America from black socialist Hitlers hellbent on providing everyone (even the gross poors) with affordable health care.

Kinda like how slavery wasn't the forced servitude of an entire people, but simply an outreach program by rich white Southern planters to help poor Africans come to America to learn better farming methods, not to mention the very generous, all-expense paid transatlantic voyage complete with shackles and chains (at no extra cost!).

Superintendent Hammonds said he will investigate the matter further, and will talk to students and teachers before recommending to the board what to do with the teacher.

Promote him??

"As a district, we are embarrassed by his actions and what he said," Hammonds said. "There is nothing that can be said to rationalize what was said. We take this very seriously. There is no place in our society for a person to make these comments."

Except when you're the distinguished teacher of high school students in Alabama. Then, by all means! After all, this is America, the land of freedom and fried meats on sticks!

Unless of course, parents start calling in wanting to know why little Johnny was suspended for pretending his fingers were a loaded gun, while geometry teacher Gregory Harrison can turn a lesson about the difference between perpendicular and parallel lines into a quick how-to guide to assassinating half-black presidents, without nary a consequence.

Because, then you might be forced to actually do something to appease all those hippie-dippie parents demanding to know why the district didn't feel it necessary to actually do anything, such as FIRE, the obtuse Jihadist geometry teacher with the irregularly shaped brain teaching their kids.

Guess in 'Bama, that's just how the Tide rolls?

Good thing the new zero-tolerance policy is being enforced by someone, even if that someone happens to be a white-power supremacist moonlighting as a geometry teacher passionate about right angles, radii, and circumference (other than what evil, Christ-killing Jews do to their newborn sons' wee-wees, of course!).

But on the bright side, who knew they even still taught geometry in Alabama!?! I figured that was as irrelevant as evolution, the whole civil war/slavery thing, scientific explanations for natural phenomena (you mean rain isn't just God crying?), and anything else $arah Palin doesn't explicitly approve of, condoms and fact-based, chapter books she didn't pretend to write, included!