New Alabama Governor Wants To Know Who's Your Daddy? (Hint: If It Doesn't Rhyme With Reese's, You're A Bastard No One Loves!)

Governor-elect of everyone's favorite backwater blemish on the nation Alabama (where else?) Robert Bentley decided to honor Martin Luther King Jr. Day by giving a speech at the very Dexter Avenue King Memorial Baptist Church where the late civil rights leader Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. was once pastor himself!

Oooh, how beautiful! How historic! How totally un-Alabama like!

It started out promising enough, too, with Bentley saying all the right things to make a person feel all warm 'n cuddly (and not even about-to-be-strung-up-in-a-tree) inside.

Bentley began by telling the crowd it was important for Alabamians ''that we love and care for each other."

''You know, (for) a lot of people, it's hard to trust a Republican governor," Bentley said. ''Let me tell you. I want to tell you today that I promise you that I'm going to do everything I can for everybody in this state."

"I was elected as a Republican candidate. But once I became governor ... I became the governor of all the people. I intend to live up to that. I am color blind."

Ah yes, but does that include Crimson, good sir??

Hmm, go on?

"There may be some people here today who do not have living within them the Holy Spirit," Bentley said.

Umm, guilty as charged?

''But if you have been adopted in God's family like I have, and like you have if you're a Christian and if you're saved, and the Holy Spirit lives within you just like the Holy Spirit lives within me, then you know what that makes? It makes you and me brothers. And it makes you and me brother and sister."

Hooray! One big happy (inbred) family! Yay, my 'Bama bros 'n hos! Haha, jk Jesus, don't worry!

But then things got slightly strange, even by freaky Southern fried Alabama standards.

''Now I will have to say that, if we don't have the same daddy, we're not brothers and sisters. So anybody here today who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their savior, I'm telling you, you're not my brother and you're not my sister, and I want to be your brother."

Wait, but I thought everyone in Alabama was already brother and sister!

Um, OK! But still, the speech was totally all about brotherhood and unity. The brotherhood of white knights in white robes and white hoods on horseback, and the unity of everyone forcibly converting to Christianity, I guess!

Asked later if he meant to be insulting to people of other faiths, Bentley replied, ''We're not trying to insult anybody."

Well, except Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Atheists, & all other Godless heretics condemned to burn in raging hellfire for all eternity.

So, umm go Bentley!?

The Rolls Royce of racist redneck gubnors from piss-poor, ass backwards, red-headed stepchild states no one pays attention to until it goes and does something weird and racist and well, all Alabama-ey.

Roll Tide, y'all!

Sarah Palin Celebrates Martin Luther King Day By Honoring The Closest Thing, Herself!

The long-lost, kindred spirit of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Dr. Sarah Louise Palin, Jr. Varsity Basketball Captain of Wasilla High, is just positive the good Dr. King would be sooooooo very proud of her (and her KKK rally!) for fulfilling his hard-fought vision of true justice and equality for all (white Christian males) on this most specialist of special days!

The day when all of America commemorates the life of a special black person, or, as he is called in Sarah's circles, "Socialist Kenyan Muslim Terrorist," who once copied Glenn Beck by giving a speech at the Lincoln Memorial about his dream of selling a billion copies of his dumb book, or something like that.

Yes, from her distinct oratory gifts, deeply ingrained sense of humility, decency, & justice, and complete dedication to something bigger than any one person, the betterment of all humanity, Sarah Palin and Martin Luther King are one and the same.

The similarities are simply uncanny! Let's take a closer look...

Public Speaking:
Martin Luther King, Jr. makes history speaking brilliant words from his heart. Eventually, gets paid (hellishly!) for it.
Sarah Palin makes a living getting (hella!) paid to read misspelled words she scribbled on the palm of her hand.

Honors:
Martin Luther King, Jr.: Nobel Peace Prize, Presidential Medal of Freedom, Congressional Gold Medal national holiday, universal respect and reverence.
Sarah Palin: Reality Teevee Show (Canceled), Sarah-Palin-In-Your-Pocket Talking Keychain, President of incoherent nonsense on Twitterbook, universal "refudiation" (aka mockery and scorn).

Principles: 
Martin Luther King, Jr.: Stood up for what he believed was right no matter the odds. Boycotted the racial indignities the nation, particularly the American South, forced on its black citizens.
Sarah Palin: Stood up to the bullies in the lamestream media and public office who say terrible, meany things about her and/or her special needs precious li'l miracle of God, Trigger. Boycotted Bristol and Levi's sleigh ride to the altar.

Violence:
Martin Luther King, Jr.: “Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars."
Sarah Palin: "If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?” Violence is never the answer except when you're in a war or need to defeat Socialism or Muslims or Mexicans or Gays or Democrats. Never shoot anyone (who has a bigger gun than you). Shoot-to-kill absolutely everything else, especially the defenseless four-legged kind. "Don't Retreat, Reload."

Education:
Martin Luther King, Jr.: B.A. from Morehouse College, Bachelor of Divinity from Crozer Theological Seminary, Doctor of Philosophy, Boston University.
Sarah Palin: 60 credit hours, assorted community colleges (five) she attended in as many years, plus 1, errr, at least, she thinks (six)!

Assassination:
Martin Luther King, Jr.: Assassinated by escaped convict James Earl Ray in Memphis.
Sarah Palin: Pretends her "character" is being assassinated at least once every news cycle, that isn't Fox News.

Crosshairs:
Martin Luther King, Jr.: Unfortunately, was once in them (see above).
Sarah Palin: Unfortunately, when not looking through them, is usually drawing them on maps of districts where congressmen need to be taken out....With voting levers, silly!

Legacy:
Martin Luther King, Jr.: A martyr for the ages.
Sarah Palin: A martyr in her mind. 

I have a dream that one day all the federal offices, post offices and banks will be closed in honor of Sarah Palin. Until then, April Fool's Day will have to suffice.

Happy America Becomin' Less Racist Day, y’all.

Wink, wink!