Wet Hot American Summer: The Lord Of The (Right-Wing) Flies

Is your child's summer camp a bit too...umm shall we say, foreign? Are their cabin mates a tad diverse, counselors a bit too Kenyan for your liking?

Well, fear not, fellow patriots! Because the Tampa Liberty School, a 5-day summer camp designed to
to scrub the political correctness out of children’s tender, pre-liberal brainwashed minds, is still available for sign up!

There, li'l freedom fighters ages 8-12 can learn important lessons about the dangers of Socialism, the value of Freedom, and why America should ditch that worthless paper currency and return to the Gold Standard of Glenn Beck's pyrite toy coins.

Unlike your standard public school (with their boring, fact-based textbooks & liberal bias called truth), the Tampa Liberty School will use "fun, hands-on activities to promote principles like 'America is good,' 'I believe in God,' 'I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to because Government cannot force me to be charitable,'" and all the other delightful tenants our Founding Fathers enshrined in the Constitution Ayn Rand enshrined in Atlas Shrugged.

Oh and don't worry because the lessons are designed for a third grade level learning, which ironically, is about the same level of understanding of American history possessed by so many of our beloved Tea Party patriots.

The St. Petersburg Times reports:

One example at Liberty: Children will win hard, wrapped candies to use as currency for a store, symbolizing the gold standard. On the second day, the “banker” will issue paper money instead. Over time, students will realize their paper money buys less and less, while the candies retain their value.

“Some of the kids will fall for it,” Lukens said. “Others kids will wise up.”

And then they will kindly get tossed out of the nearest window because at Liberty Camp intelligence is just a fancy shmancy elitist word for terrorism.

Another example: Starting in an austere room where they are made to sit quietly, symbolizing Europe, the children will pass through an obstacle course to arrive at a brightly decorated party room (the New World).

Red-white-and-blue confetti will be thrown. But afterward the kids will have to clean up the confetti, learning that with freedom comes responsibility.

Still another example: Children will blow bubbles from a single container of soapy solution, and then pop each other’s bubbles with squirt guns in an arrangement that mimics socialism. They are to count how many bubbles they pop. Then they will work with individual bottles of solution and pop their own bubbles.

Oooh, sounds fun! Except when the "smart" kids start using their delicious hard, wrapped candies to pay the "other" kids to clean up the confetti like them chocolate-skinned illegal border jumpers from Mexicanland.

We can only assume the black kids will be symbolically shackled with chains made out of paper clips and rubber bands, while the white boys, armed with BB guns, "sell" them for even more pieces of hard, wrapped candy. The white girls, naturally, will be in the cafeteria where they belong, making the boys' PB&J sandwiches, while the Asians, Indians, and Muslims are forced to march, single file, outside where they will proceed to build all swing sets, sandboxes, slides and other playground equipment their terrible. gross skin color prohibits them from enjoying themselves.

Ha ha, just kidding! Minorities aren't allowed at Liberty Camp, silly!

For Once Arkansas Schoolchildren Accomplish Something Besides Morbid Obesity & Lifelong Illiteracy

Much to the rest of the nation's shock and dismay, school kids in the tiny backwater town of Russellville, Arkansas actually managed to learn something during their early years of sub-par public education, other than how to torture small animals and harass anyone whose skin isn't perfectly milky white like Jesus intended.

It's true!

The precocious li'l whippersnappers at Russellville Middle School learned, for example, that Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are two of the worst humans in history, something that many adults haven't yet realized, in America at least. It's pretty much standard knowledge in most other places. like all the smart Socialist European countries.

So being the wise, young minds they are, the students at Russellville Middle School decided to include a list of the "Top 5 Worst People Of All Time" in their yearbook, so they will always remember the truly evil who walked among us. Seems harmless enough, except some of the so-called "adults" in this small Arkansas town are very upset that their smarty-pants kids had the brains balls to rank George W. Bush and Dick Cheney fourth and fifth, respectively, on the all-time terrible people list. How dare they!

Good thing local Fox News affiliate Fox16.com is all over it:

Open up the Russellville Middle School yearbook. You’ll see the students’ pictures, the administration, and a pretty controversial list that’s supposed to be covered with a piece of black tape …. The list is titled “Top 5 worst people of all time.” The top three, in order, are Adolph Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, and Charles Manson. Numbers four and five are George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. Superintendent Randall Williams calls the list “an oversight.”

What is not an oversight however, is the fact that no matter where in the US of A Fox News decides to bring its "Fair & Balanced" brand of journalism, they still cannot manage to spell "Adolf" correctly. But hey, don't worry, you still get an A for effort, Phox News!

Despite Superintendent Williams best efforts to cover this treachery with a piece of black tape, some of the Arkansas parents are still all hot n' bothered over the list—and not just because they think Dick Cheney is ranked too low, as one would think.

"My problem is the tape can be removed easily," said School Board Member Chris Cloud. Cloud has two kids in the Russellville School District and one brought home the yearbook.
"I'm furious as a parent and as a board member and as a tax payer and as a resident of Russellville," he said. "It's wrong."

Don't worry School Board Member Chris Cloud! From the looks of it, you'll be #5 on next year's list, with a bullet! Plus, with a little practice, hell, who knows, Adolph, err, Adolf Hitler may be sweatin' to stay in that top spot.

But what's even more amazing than Bush 'n Dick rounding out the world's most terrible human beings list is that an entire class of youngsters in Arkansas actually made it to Middle School!

Guess the kids are alright!

Glenn Beck University: A Higher Education For Those With Higher Callings & Even Higher Doses Of Antipsychotics

Why waste your time spending oodles of your precious, hard-earned money on those arugula-eating, elitist institutions with their liberal values (abortions & homos!) and hoity-toity academic accreditations? When for just a fraction of the cost you can get all that and more!

Welcome to the brand spanking-new manifestation of Glenn Beck's alcohol and drug ravaged, born again mind, "Beck University" where eager, knowledge-hungry pupils can brush up on fundamental courses like "faith," "hope," "charity," and "101 creepy things you can do with a chalkboard."

All while putting money straight into the pocket of their favortiest teary-eyed patriot of decaffeinated herbal beverages, and pudgy poster boy for what happens when mental illness goes untreated, Glenn Lee Beck.

It's true, America!

While the rest of the nation is relaxing poolside or wallowing in liberal dens of iniquity like secular summer camps not exclusively devoted to the study and worship of Jesus, the chosen few, who pledge their allegiance to a weeping blond haired, blue-eyed baby face Aryan Fox anchor with a buzz cut and not-at-all-bizarre obsession with the Third Reich, can head back into the classroom for "a unique academic experience bringing together experts in the fields of religion, American history and economics."

“School may be out for the summer, but for Glenn Beck class is just starting,” reads an announcement on Beck’s website. “This July, while others are relaxing poolside, head back to the classroom — from the comfort of your own home. That may sound like an oxymoron, but Glenn’s new academic program is only available online.”

Actually, pretty much just the moron part.

For those fellow truth seekers and pudgy, pale patriots of White America, Glenn Beck's University has everything one could hope for pray to Jesus Christ for. Like online classes which "meet" every Wednesday through September 1 and boasts three renowned, certifiably wingnut, deeply committed (to mental hospitals?) "professors" teaching "Faith 101," "Hope 101," and "Charity 101" for entry level students, with 102 and 103 level classes in subsequent weeks.

Oooh, meaning you can too can earn your PhD in freedom in almost the amount of time it takes Glenn Beck to pour artificial tears into his eyes, and have his daily one-on-one conversation with God before the camera starts to roll.

Plus, you'll finally perfect drawing that lovely swastika you've been practicing, thanks to Glenn Beck's personal tutorial on how to decorate your home or office with beautiful Nazi insignias even Hitler would love.

Not to mention, the one-of-a-kind opportunity to sit inside, in front of a computer screen on hot summer days, combing through conspiracy theories and learning all about how you too can help take your country back from illegal Kenyan terrorists with a deep-seated hatred for white culture, or just deep-seated hatred of fat white idiots with small brains and extra large tear ducts, or whatever the case may be.

The classes are offered exclusively to anyone who signs up to be Glenn Beck's "Insider Extreme" subscribers, pays the bargain basement monthly fee of  $9.95, and possesses the unique ability to suspend brain activity for endless hours at a time.

Naturally, the mission statement of Beck University is gleaned from the Latin saying on its Coat of Arms: "Tyrannis Seditio, Obsequium Deo," which sort of translates to "Revolution against tyrants, submission to God."

Or for those among us who don't spend their days contemplating the oppression of the White Man while staring out of their Overton Window, "Revolution against truth, submission to God-complexes."

“Through captivating lectures and interactive online discussions, these experts will explore the concepts of faith, hope and charity and show you how they influence America’s past, her present and most importantly her future,” the website promises.

Like what would happen if, say, every last one of Beck's freedom fighters suddenly freed themselves from inhabiting this Earthly realm??

Hmmm, The Rapture?

Quick, sign up now and you get a special bonus course at no added charge: Vicks VapoRub Weeping 101. With a special introductory session for those looking to brush up on their skills making fun of 11-year-old first daughters for asking Daddy when he's going to plug the hole.

Likely as soon as Professor Beck wraps up his lecturing leaking toxic waste Tour de Farce and decides class is dismissed.

Which should be right around the time he's offered his first major motion picture starring role as the title character in the Nutty Professor III: F**k the Klumps, Beck's Bringing Kluxy Back!

Sadly, Arizona Radio Legend Steve Blair's "Scream Racist Things At Children" Campaign Fails To Gain Steam Among Those Not Wearing White Robes & Hoods

Oh goody, America!

Just when you thought Arizona couldn't get any more creepily racist and crazy, the Union's original black sheep goes and does something not totally gut-wrenching and horrible, dare we say even slightly normal, and we once again find ourselves confused as to the true identity of America's favorite wayward state of Mexi huntin' desert dwellers.

In case you missed it, what with BP's oily marine massacre down in the Gulf, Rush Limbaugh's 4th lifetime vow of love and fidelity (but 1st featuring terrible gay Elton John!), and/or the any number of racist shenanigans goin' on ever since Arizona enacted their No, way José law prohibiting weird, Mexicany-looking brown people, here is a quick synopsis of the original terrible story and thankfully, its not-completely demented resolution.

From the Arizona Republic:

A group of artists has been asked to lighten the faces of children depicted in a giant public mural at a Prescott school. The project’s leader says he was ordered to lighten the skin tone after complaints about the children’s ethnicity...

R.E. Wall, director of Prescott’s Downtown Mural Project, said he and other artists were subjected to slurs from motorists as they worked on the painting at one of the town’s most prominent intersections.

“We consistently, for two months, had people shouting racial slander from their cars,” Wall said. “We had children painting with us, and here come these yells of 'Nigger' and 'Spics.'”

The children depicted on the mural are, of course, little kids who go to the school — "a K-5 school with 380 students and the highest ethnic mix of any school in Prescott," with thousands of town residents volunteering or donating to the project...ya know, for the kids!

And while these children gathered at this happy mural encouraging "green transportation," Prescott's finest have been driving by, yelling "Nigger" and "Spic" at this school wall painted with pictures of children who attend the school, demanding this hideous montage be destroyed, or at the very least, the faces lightened to look like good, white American children, not brown or black or yellow miscreants who just wandered in from Tijuana or Thailand or God knows where.

Being Arizona, this "behavior" has naturally been encouraged by a city councilman, Steve Blair, who moonlights as some white power local radio host who uses the airwaves to rile up the good people of Prescott and demand the principal remove the black student's face from the mural or repaint the faces of the Black and Latino students as nice, normal light-skinned children. The way God intended.

Which almost happened!

But then suddenly, the principal of the school got himself some principles and decided "painting the children's faces white" because of the "controversy" may not be such a wondrous idea after all. Could be because of all the other people, like the millions of Americans who live outside the whites-only clusterf*ck town of Prescott outraged by this insane wingnut demand that the brown kids be "lightened" (a la Michael Jackson?) and descended on the town to protest this racist hysteria, which made the principal think, eh, on second thought, the mural would stay as it is, and that he was wrong. The End.

Oh wait! There's another glimmer of light coming from the scorched desert wasteland known as Prescott.

Vile, talk show creep and Prescott City councilman Steve Blair has been fired from his local-wingnut KYCA talk-show after bringing shame and humiliation on the town for screaming at paintings of elementary school children for being the wrong color, i.e., not pasty pale or the beautiful color of skim milk.

Guess even in good ol' Arizona, there is a limit to how unabashedly racist, unhinged, and hate-mongering local radio personalities can be.

But will Prescott give Blair the boot as town councilman too, or do their limits on repulsive Grand KKK wizards not extend to their local elected public officials? Perhaps they just love hateful sacks of children-bashers who crusade against colored 10-year-olds too much?!?

In 2010 Aryanzona, that sounds about right, err, white!

Stupid Is As Stupid's Taught:The Texas Two-Step Through History

Welcome to the Lone Star state, where everything is bigger, badder, and likely, beer-battered and deep fried, including the impressionable young brains of the good ol' boys and gals in Texas' already stellar public school system.

That's right, folks! Thanks to a 9-5 vote by the Republican-dominated Texas State Board of Education, the new, improved high school textbooks will now be rewritten from the more accurate point-of-view of Jesus Christ, white plantation owners, and other oft-unsung heroes typically discarded by the liberal, Jew-run media elites. Hooray!

After months of contentious debate and national controversy over making our portly neighbor to the South even more educationally challenged than it already is, the wingnuts, Jesus freaks, and secessionists comprising Texas' Board of Education finally passed new textbook standards that would make any bible thumpin', gun totin', cowboy hat sportin' Texan happier than a heapin' pile of BBQ pulled pork between two egg-dipped, butter-smothered pieces of Texas toast.

"The partisan board has amended or watered down the teaching of the civil rights movement, slavery, America's relationship with the U.N. and hundreds of other items. ... They dictate how political events and figures will be taught to some 4.8 million schoolchildren in Texas and beyond for the next decade."

Which means no more boring lectures about silly, irrelevant things like "civil rights," stubborn, lazy, old, colored ladies who refused to move to the back of the bus, or dumb dreams about equality and true freedom for all by some Doctor who thinks he's a King.

Finally, Texas schoolchildren can learn about what's really important: Jesus Christ, the friendly neighborhood gatherings of white hoods and robes, the Evil North's War of Aggression on the always-perfect South, the financial benefits of cotton pickin' slaves, and how America is the bestest, strongest, most perfect, God loving  country ever to grace the face of the Earth. Best. Ever!

Woohoo! 

Just like Republican board member Cynthia Dunbar always dreamed it would be.

"I believe no one can read the history of our country without realizing that the Good Book and the spirit of the Savior have from the beginning been our guiding geniuses. Whether we look to the first charter of Virginia, or the charter of New England ... the same objective is present: a Christian land governed by Christian principles," she said.

AMEN?

Err, at least once we, Christians, got rid of those pesky heathens in feathers and loincloths, painting their faces and passing around a peace pipe like a bunch of, uh, umm, uh...wild Indians??

But now that big, beautiful Texas is back to being in good, civilized (albeit blood-soaked) Christian hands, with its big, beautiful school board once again well-stocked with brilliant Christian scholars who understand humans descended from God sprinkled with Adam's rib, not some dumb apes in the Congo, and that slavery was nothing more than good business sense, the next generation of Texas' movers 'n shakers, future leaders, lawmakers, and professors will be well-equipped to face real 21st century challenges with a perfect blend of factual evidence and critical thinking.

During the months-long process, conservatives also have successfully strengthened the requirements on teaching the Judeo-Christian influences of the nation's Founding Fathers and attempted to water down rationale for the separation of church and state. If adopted, the standards will refer to the U.S. government as a "constitutional republic," rather than "democratic," and students will be required to "discuss alternatives regarding long term entitlements such as Social Security and Medicare, given the decreasing worker to retiree ratio."

Like get a job, poors!

But that's not it!

"The board has added language heralding "American exceptionalism" and the U.S. free enterprise system, suggesting it thrives best without excessive government intervention. It also required students learn to about the Second Amendment right to bear arms specifically, in addition to the Bill of Rights. And they removed a suggestion that students learn about hip-hop as an example of a significant social movement."

Does Michael Steele know about this?? The friggin' Chairman of off-the-hook, hip-hop youth is not gonna like this one, for reals yo! Dude's gonna be piiiiiiiiiissed! Wonder if he'll quit stay on as Chairman to really stick it to 'em.

They also agreed to delete a requirement that sociology students "explain how institutional racism is evident in American society."

Whoa, whoa whoa!! Racism, what racism!? All those "alleged" KKK round ups and public lynchings, Jim Crow laws, and segregation myths are nothing more than propaganda and lies manufactured by the liberal lamestream media (not to mention Barack HUSSEIN Obama!) to keep the Christian White Man down or feel "guilty" for nothing more than helping escort industrious young Africans over to the New World, complete with shackles and chains (at no extra cost!), without the added hassles of having to own anything...except four sturdy limbs for lifting!

A win-win situation all around, right?

Another clause says students must "describe the causes and key organizations and individuals of the conservative resurgence of the 1980s and 1990s, including, the Contract with America, the Heritage Foundation, the Moral Majority, and the National Rifle Association."

What about the national right-to-life Committee, the Westboro Baptist Church, and all the rest of the wonderful organizations doing God's work by murdering abortion doctors (baby killers!) and picketing slain gay soldiers' funerals with "God Hates Fags" signs. For freedom!

One of the board's most outspoken conservatives, offered an amendment requiring students to evaluate efforts by global organizations including the U.N. to undermine U.S. sovereignty, saying they threatened individual liberty and freedom.

Dang right they do! If we wanna bomb the bejesus out of some dumb A-rab nation (cause they have a lot of oil and once tried to kill daddy) and send the whole lot of 'em back to the Stone Age, then who the hell is the entire, stupid  "international community" to stop them? They're not God! God only speaks to born-again white American presidents who almost flunk college and choke on pretzels and distinguish themselves by driving around drunk and jobless well into their 30s, before becoming leaders of the free-world! Got it??

But all you Godless ignoramuses who didn't learn to reed, rite, and 'rithmetic down in God's country, aka good ol' Texas, probably wouldn't know nuthin' about it!

But if you think about it, I guess ignorance is bliss, because at least they (ivy-league educated liberals, Democrats, Socialists, Homos, Jews, Blacks, Mexis, Abortionists, and other sinners) won't know when the Rapture is upon us and they suddenly find themselves thrust into the seventh circle of hell, burning in eternal hellfire, screaming in agony, while Dick Cheney sodomizes them from behind, Michael Steele dances naked around a poll, and $arah Palin reads a passage from her new, bestselling book The Devil Wears Prada, winkin', laughin', and shrieking you betcha! until the Damned too repent for their sins and beg for mercy.

Hahahaha! Everyone knows real, Texas men don't forgive. They rewrite. Poorly.

Class Dismissed! Alabama Shows America How It Rolls: Square Wheels + Right-Wing Angles = Lowest Common Denominator

Ah yes, Alabama, the Crimson-tinted land of enlightenment and progress. One of the last remaining beacons  of light and hope in the dismal failure known as the post-antebellum "United States Experiment." But producing cotton, resisting integration and assassinating civil rights leaders isn't the only thing the Heart of Dixie brings to the table. No sir-ee!

When it comes to education, Alabama is naturally at the top of the class, with the brightest of minds headin' south of the Mason-Dixon line to teach all about how man descended from Adam before generously donating part of his rib to create that other highly emotional, lesser intelligent, inferior species called women, in case he got hungry or his cave needed a good spring cleaning or just some tidying up. You can never be too prepared!

But that's not all! The fine educators down in 'Bama also know a thing or two about mathematics, the origins of which has nothing to do with the terrible Arabs of course, because such uncivilized (non-white) people know nothing of numbers or equations, only terrorism, subverting women, and threatening Comedy Central cartoonists for drawing an animated version of Muhammad, the single worst offense in the entire history of mankind.

Almost as bad as like 10,000 Holocausts, at least!

Which is why it comes as no real surprise that one of Alabama's very own esteemed educators decided what better way to teach the kiddies about angles, lines and other boring geometric concepts than by using a hypothetical assassination of President Barack Obama?

Much like most mathematical concepts involving random letters and numbers divided by square roots and multiplied by negative integers, this too makes perfect sense!

The Secret Service investigated a teacher in Jefferson County, Alabama after he "he picked the wrong example" and used a hypothetical assassination of President Obama to teach angles to his geometry students, the Birmingham News reports:

The teacher was apparently teaching his geometry students about parallel lines and angles, officials said. He used the example of where to stand and aim if shooting Obama.



“He was talking about angles and said, ‘If you’re in this building, you would need to take this angle to shoot the president,’ ” said Joseph Brown, a senior in the geometry class.



The Secret Service questioned the math teacher, but decided not to arrest him or charge him with a crime.

Instead, Superintendent Phil Hammonds called the incident “extremely poor judgment” and “a poor choice of words,” but said he has no plans to fire the teacher. “We are going to have a long conversation with him about what’s appropriate,” Hammonds said.

Yes, a sternly worded conversation should just about do it. After all, no harm, no foul, right??

"We did not find a credible threat," said Roy Sex­ton, special agent in charge of Birmingham's Secret Service office. "As far as the Secret Service is concerned, we looked into it, we talked to the gentleman and we have closed our investigation."

It's about time, too! I mean it did already happen like almost an entire day ago, for cryin' out loud!

It's not like the man was encouraging his students to kill HUSSEIN OBAMA using parallel lines and cotangents, or anything even remotely like that. C'mon, that would be insane!

No, no, he was simply showing his class the fun, patriotic things you can do with shapes and angles, like shoot illegal Muslim terrorist presidents from Kenya in the head, and save America from black socialist Hitlers hellbent on providing everyone (even the gross poors) with affordable health care.

Kinda like how slavery wasn't the forced servitude of an entire people, but simply an outreach program by rich white Southern planters to help poor Africans come to America to learn better farming methods, not to mention the very generous, all-expense paid transatlantic voyage complete with shackles and chains (at no extra cost!).

Superintendent Hammonds said he will investigate the matter further, and will talk to students and teachers before recommending to the board what to do with the teacher.

Promote him??

"As a district, we are embarrassed by his actions and what he said," Hammonds said. "There is nothing that can be said to rationalize what was said. We take this very seriously. There is no place in our society for a person to make these comments."

Except when you're the distinguished teacher of high school students in Alabama. Then, by all means! After all, this is America, the land of freedom and fried meats on sticks!

Unless of course, parents start calling in wanting to know why little Johnny was suspended for pretending his fingers were a loaded gun, while geometry teacher Gregory Harrison can turn a lesson about the difference between perpendicular and parallel lines into a quick how-to guide to assassinating half-black presidents, without nary a consequence.

Because, then you might be forced to actually do something to appease all those hippie-dippie parents demanding to know why the district didn't feel it necessary to actually do anything, such as FIRE, the obtuse Jihadist geometry teacher with the irregularly shaped brain teaching their kids.

Guess in 'Bama, that's just how the Tide rolls?

Good thing the new zero-tolerance policy is being enforced by someone, even if that someone happens to be a white-power supremacist moonlighting as a geometry teacher passionate about right angles, radii, and circumference (other than what evil, Christ-killing Jews do to their newborn sons' wee-wees, of course!).

But on the bright side, who knew they even still taught geometry in Alabama!?! I figured that was as irrelevant as evolution, the whole civil war/slavery thing, scientific explanations for natural phenomena (you mean rain isn't just God crying?), and anything else $arah Palin doesn't explicitly approve of, condoms and fact-based, chapter books she didn't pretend to write, included!

Texas, The Political, Educational, And Cultural Disaster That Keeps On Giving...

How do I love thee, Texas? Let me count the ways.

When you're not threatening secession, executing retarded people, corralling dirty Mexicans, or blessing the rest of the nation with gifted political minds like George W. Bush, Phil Gramm, Tom DeLay, and slick Rick Perry, you continue to surprise and thrill us in new and delightful ways.

Like the Lone Star's latest ingenious contribution to society: new, improved standards for its public school history textbooks. Yay!

Yes, the good ol' boys on the Texas State Board of Education, whose previous enlightened positions taught us that slavery was simply an outreach program by rich white planters to help poor Africans come to America to learn better farming methods, have now put their unique Texas twist on other important subjects, like U.S. history, government, social studies, politics, culture, religion and even music. Hooray!

Now every school child from Amarillo to Corpus Christi and Juarez to Galveston will know the truth about the great Lone Star state and mighty red, white, and blue, without the taint, bias and lies from the liberal, Jew-run media elites.

In a 10-5 State BORED of Education decision split along party and ethnic lines, conservatives managed to push through new curriculum standards for every major subject taught in Texas schools, ensuring a nice, fundamentalist undertone to counter the excessive emphasis on minorities, homosexuals and other historically persecuted groups long poisoning Texas textbooks.

Thanks to these new standards, history students must remember the Alamo, except for the eight dumb Mexicans, known as the Tejanos, who died alongside James Bowie and Davy Crockett fighting for Texas' independence.

Not surprisingly, all five minority members opposed the revised standards, citing inadequate coverage of blacks and Hispanics and the promotion of right wing, conservative causes, with one board member, Mavis Knight, D-Dallas, charging some board members–primarily social conservatives–of "manipulating" the process to insert their own political and religious views, "whether or not it was appropriate."

"I cannot go back to my community and say I participated in perpetrating this fraud on the students," Knight said.

"These people fought alongside Davy Crockett and Jim Bowie. They were there, yet we have ignored their names for a long time in our textbooks and schools. They deserve their place in history," Mary Helen Berlanga, D-Corpus Christi added.

But, Pat Hardy, R-Fort Worth, disagreed, noting that no Hispanics were considered leaders at the Alamo.

"They were just among the other people who died at the Alamo. It would be awkward to say that teachers and students should identify people who died at the Alamo," she said.

Everyone knows dirty brown people don't count!

As expected, Hardy and other board members' assertion that it was appropriate for students to learn about real (white) Alamo leaders such as Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie and William B. Travis, was met with the usual minority whines and cries for attention.

"This is a disservice to the Hispanics who fought alongside the others at the Alamo," Berlanga said. "What did James Bowie and Davy Crockett do that the Tejanos did not do?"

Ummm, how about come out of their mother's wombs the right color?

Board member David Bradley, R-Beaumont, insisted the standards were "very inclusive" of all ethnic groups, including the addition of multiple minority historical figures, but naturally, said the board was not interested in getting into "number counting and quotas."

They don't start teaching fractions until Junior High, silly!

Minority board member, Rick Agosto, D-San Antonio, led the board's losing effort to add hip-hop music to a list of influential American musical and cultural movements, already including rock 'n' roll, Tin Pan Alley, country and the Beat Generation, arguing that "this movement has affected our culture" and needs to be "looked at and analyzed by our students."

He noted that the Beat Generation–included in the standards–was known for sex, drugs and rejection of mainstream values yet weren't deemed "inappropriate" by the rest of the Christian crusaders comprising the school board.

Ha ha, nice try Agosto. But you forgot the most important part, Beatnicks were white!

The devil's in the details, right?

Thank goodness, the God-fearing, reason-defying, right-wing zealots on the education board know what's really important and deserving of prominent coverage (Ronald Reagan) and what isn't (everyone else, but especially those ne'r-do-wells like the late liberal lion U.S. Sen. Edward Kennedy and first Hispanic Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor), who apparently didn't do anything important, substantive, or Jesus-y enough for Texas' excellent standards of educational merit.

Don't worry, high school students will still learn all about Newt Gingrich and the rise of conservative groups like the Moral Majority and Focus on the Family, without the hideous stain of liberal and/or minority rights groups and such controversial, terrible, "Un-American" leaders as George Washington (gay!), Abraham Lincoln (slave-lover!), and labor leader César Chávez (Mexican!).

Luckily, omitting these lefty losers from the classroom means more room for teaching all about beautiful Christianity's role in America's past, including the "motivational role the Bible and the Christian faith played in the settling of the original colonies." Amen!

But the best part of all is that since Texas is one of the nation's biggest textbook publishers, publishers often tailor their materials to meet Texas' standards, meaning what is taught in the Lone Star State often winds up being the basis for future textbooks and achievement tests in other states too!

So three cheers for Texas, where Jesus is always in style, the BBQ's always cookin', the guns are always smokin', and creepy Christian fundamentalist bible camps are apparently called "schools," but it doesn't matter cause the kids can't read anyway.

Ah yes, everything's bigger in Texas, including the chances that little Johnny grows up bigoted, ignorant, uneducated, closed-minded, misguided, afoul of the law, and well on his way to being the next great two-term cowboy President of these United States.

South Carolina Lt. Gov. André Bauer Doesn't Think We Should Feed Animals Like Poor School Children

André Bauer, the allegedly heterosexual lieutenant governor of South Carolina (the other governor was too busy having the good kind of extramarital sex--hetero, that is--to run the state) doesn't believe in a few things, namely being honest about his total gayness and also giving handouts to every poor, pathetic pov who crosses his holier-than-thou path.

Lt. Gov. André Bauer, who is running for the Republican nomination for governor, made his remarks during a town hall meeting in Fountain Inn that included state lawmakers and about 115 residents.

"My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed. You’re facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don't think too much further than that. And so what you've got to do is you've got to curtail that type of behavior. They don’t know any better," Bauer said.

Bauer later told The Greenville News he wasn't saying people on government assistance "were animals or anything else."

Far from it! Just because these vile, mindless vermin without the ability to pay for themselves are a pox on society doesn't mean we should cast them off to die cold and alone in some abandoned warehouse on the side of the road. Not at all!

After all, he is a compassionate man who simply doesn't believe in free lunch. Literally! Or reduced-price lunch for that matter. As granny used to say, before Obama slaughtered her, if ya can't pay full price, get yer ass out the kitchen!

I mean let's get real here people! In South Carolina, 58 percent of students (aka rodents, vermin, and feral cats) depend on the free and reduced-price lunch program, which may seem like a good idea, but is really just another fancy-shmancy liberal name for a mouse trap.

Trust André, he knows.

"You go to a school where there's an active participation of parents, and guess what? They have the highest test scores. So what do you do? You say, 'Look folks, if you receive goods or services from the government and you don't attend a parent-teacher conference, bam, you lose your benefits.'"

You see, parent-teacher conferences are like kill shelters where mangy street walkers go to be put out of their misery and relieve the rest of us from the burden of having to look at such societal disgraces. Which is exactly why these parents must be forced to attend such things!

Accountability, responsibility, and all that other good stuff leaders talk about, usually before getting caught using state money to fund their wild sex romps through the Appalachian Trail to extramarital sex and messy divorce proceedings.

Bauer is just trying to help make the world a better place for our children and our children's children and their children and everyone's children who aren't dumb and poor like all those ratty kids living in his home state.

"So how do you fix it? Well you say, 'Look, if you receive goods or services from the government, then you owe something back'...We don't make you take a drug test. We ought to. We don't even make you show up to your child's parent-teacher conference meeting or to the PTA meeting."

"We're going to have to do things like that. We can't afford to keep just giving money away to people who don't have to do a thing."

You go André! Spread the word about how contrary to popular opinion, welfare isn't all the glamorous, high rollin', pimpin' lifestyle of the rich and famous that most people think.

That way, maybe they'll finally get their asses off the hamster wheel known as welfare and join the great rat race known as life by picking themselves up by their own two hind legs for a change.

Then, only after they earn it themselves, can you in good faith throw crumbles of moldy cheese at their terrified, malnourished feet.

President Obama's During-School Special On Teevee!

Soon, on Tuesday September 8th at 11 AM to be exact, President Barack Hussein Obama will take to the teevees of our nation's classrooms for the sole purpose of indoctrinating the minds of America's fragile youth with evil socialist beliefs.

Dangerous beliefs like the so-called "value of education" and "staying in school" and assorted other tenets of communism.

But some parents in the "Real America" are not about to stand back and allow this half-black socialist MENACE to brainwash their perfect, white little angels with some outrageous back-to-school speech encouraging students to work hard and stay in school.

Hells no! These outraged Parents-of-the-Year do not care if Ronnie Reagan and George H.W. Bush also spoke to schoolchildren through the odd, new medium called "television" in the late '80s and early '90s, they will simply not permit little Johnny and Jill to be subjected to the socialist agenda of Obama's White House.

Instead, they will fight this black-socialist-presidential threat with all their might--even if it means forcing their poor white children to stay home, get dumber and watch important, constructive, AMERICAN things on the home teevee like My Super Sweet 16 and So You Think You Can Dance.