President Obama's During-School Special On Teevee!

Soon, on Tuesday September 8th at 11 AM to be exact, President Barack Hussein Obama will take to the teevees of our nation's classrooms for the sole purpose of indoctrinating the minds of America's fragile youth with evil socialist beliefs.

Dangerous beliefs like the so-called "value of education" and "staying in school" and assorted other tenets of communism.

But some parents in the "Real America" are not about to stand back and allow this half-black socialist MENACE to brainwash their perfect, white little angels with some outrageous back-to-school speech encouraging students to work hard and stay in school.

Hells no! These outraged Parents-of-the-Year do not care if Ronnie Reagan and George H.W. Bush also spoke to schoolchildren through the odd, new medium called "television" in the late '80s and early '90s, they will simply not permit little Johnny and Jill to be subjected to the socialist agenda of Obama's White House.

Instead, they will fight this black-socialist-presidential threat with all their might--even if it means forcing their poor white children to stay home, get dumber and watch important, constructive, AMERICAN things on the home teevee like My Super Sweet 16 and So You Think You Can Dance.

How The Hell Did Mike Huckabee Not Win Past Iowa?

Former double bacon cheeseburger loving Arkansas governor and messenger of God Mike Huckabee knows a few things about logic and good taste. (Especially the latter, because, trust me, you don't get to be 300 lbs without it).

Which is why it comes as a total shock that he would defy both of them on his radio show, The Huckabee Report, by accusing those awful Democrats of trying to use Kennedy’s death to rally support for the President's terribly socialist health care reform package. The nerve!

"Senator Ted Kennedy’s death had barely hit the news before we started hearing calls that Congress must hurry and pass a health care reform bill and do it in his memory," he said. "That not only defies good taste, it defies logic."

Sure does Huck! We haven't even rolled his old bones into the ground yet and already the Dems are selfishly trying to use the memory of a man whose life work was dedicated to reforming health care as one more reason to actually pass health care reform.

"We certainly can and should respect his years of advocacy and work for things that he truly believed in," he added. "But easily the worst reason to do it is in the name of someone who gave us the most shining example of why this particular bill is so bad."

Wait, what the Huck did he just say?

"[I]t was President Obama himself who suggested that seniors who don't have as long to live might want to consider just taking a pain pill instead of getting an expensive operation to cure them," Huckabee said. "Yet when Sen. Kennedy was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer at 77, did he give up on life and go home to take pain pills and die? Of course not. He freely did what most of us would do. He choose an expensive operation and painful follow up treatments."

You hear that people? He did exactly what "most of us" Americans who are as rich as Kennedy would do: paid for the bestest, most expensivest treatment available. That's one of the advantages of being a Kennedy, you have so much money, you don't need to "go home to take pain pills and die" like you would under NObama's plan. You get options.

Using this airtight logic, Huck has come up with a few ideas of his own for solving the whole health care crisis the Dems keep squawking about.

"A better way to honor Ted Kennedy would be if every American has access to the latest private health care as good as what senators receive.”

That's a brilliant idea and will work perfectly too, because what American isn't as rich Ted Kennedy or Mike Huckabee for that matter?

Problem solved. But for those few povs out there (unlike the rest of us Kennedys and Huckabees), there's always the old-fashioned, 1-2-3 punch to cure disease: the All-American alcohol-pills-gunshot-to-the-head combo!

Hero Bill Clinton Frees Ladies From Pint-Sized Dungeon Master

Mission Accomplished!

Bill Clinton saves journalism! Okay, well not exactly, but he did save those two American journalists, Euna Lee and Laura Ling, from 12 years of HARD LABOR in some crazy North Korean prison camp.

In a hush-hush, secret mission to secure the journalists' release, America sent its best schmoozer William Jefferson Clinton to sweet-talk Kim Jong Il into reconsidering the harsh sentence and issuing a "special pardon" for the jailed reporters. The kind of pardon only a "special" kind of dictator can give.

So, basically a giant Bill Clinton is sent to the bad Korea to chat up its tiny but unhinged leader Kim Jong Il into believing Euna Lee and Laura Ling were not engaging in "hostile acts" as sworn enemies of the state but simply two scared, lost journalists who accidentally wandered in while working for an old pal of his, Al Gore's hippy-dippy TV channel Current.

Good guy, that Al. You remember Al, don't you? The boring stiff with no personality who became vice-president, invented the Internets, lost the White House, then saved Mother Earth? Sure, he can be a bit stand-offish but he didn't mean any harm. Trust me, the guy wouldn't hurt a fly. No joke. Besides, the journalists were both from San Francisco and you know those kooky Californians!

Anyway, to make a long story short, Slick Willy worked his magic on Kim Jong Il, winning the release of the two young journalists, Euna and Laura, with his wit, charm, and savvy diplomacy like pretending this visit means North Korea is not some dangerous Hermit Kingdom led by a diminutive demon with nuclear aspirations and deteriorating health.

Clinton apologized on behalf of the women (honest mistake!), relayed President Barack Obama's deep gratitude, praised their release as proof of North Korea's "humanitarian and peace-loving policy" (their words) and said the visit would "contribute to deepening the understanding" between North Korea and the United States. Scout's honor.

And for his troubles, our hero Bill Clinton will have the pleasure of spending the next 5,946 miles or 10 hours and 50 minutes accompanying two, attractive Asian women--giddy with the freedom they owe to the brave, tireless efforts of a certain former president. Who just may have a thing for Asians.

Will The U.S. And China Ever See Eye-To-Eye?

Notorious peace lover and world diplomat appeaser Barack Obama took his Kumbaya routine to the opening session of the U.S.-China Strategic and Economic Dialogue, where he pleaded with his Commie friends in the Far East to stop trampling its people en route to global domination as the world's hot new superpower.

“Just as we respect China’s ancient culture and remarkable achievements, we also strongly believe that the religion and culture of all peoples must be respected and protected and that all people should be free to speak their minds,” Obama said. “That includes ethnic and religious minorities in China, as surely as it includes minorities within the United States.”

By emphasizing that "The freedom to speak your mind, to worship your God and to choose your leaders” are part of the identity of the United States and luckily not Red China, Obama assured nervous Chinese leaders, “These are not things we wish to impose. This is who we are.”

As opposed to who they are, which is a dissident-crushing behemoth who we wouldn't be so afraid of if not for the small fact that they also happen to own all our assets and make at least half of the stupid s**t we love to buy.

So in an effort to show the world we're not going to risk relations with our favorite creditor on account of a couple of crushed Uighurs, Obama dropped the whole human rights spiel (boring!) in favor of a much more exciting topic: sports!

“President Hu [Jintao] and I both felt that it was important to get our relationship off to a good start,” Obama said. “Of course, as a new president and also as a basketball fan, I have learned from the words of Yao Ming, who said, ‘No matter whether you are new or an old team member, you need time to adjust to one another.’”

"Through this dialogue, I’m confident that we will meet Yao’s standard."

Surely, there must be something to make us shrimpy Americans see eye-to-eye with this 7 ft 6" hardwood court ambassador.

Like standing on a stack of $740 billion nicely folded dollars. Whoever said we couldn't find a way to put our debt to China to good use?