Louisiana Doesn't Have A Race Problem--If It Were 1955

The bastion of progress and enlightenment otherwise known as Louisiana reminded the nation what exactly makes the Bayou State so darn cuddly (besides the whole "Parish" thing of course) when a justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have.

Louisiana justice Keith Bardwell said he made his decision because it is his experience that "most interracial marriages do not last long."

Not because he's racist or anything.

"I do ceremonies for black couples right here in my house," Bardwell said. "My main concern is for the children. I don't do interracial marriages because I don't want to put children in a situation they didn't bring on themselves," Bardwell said. "In my heart, I feel the children will later suffer."

Plus, if he does an interracial marriage for one couple, he must do the same for all, and since he, tries "to treat everyone equally," that just wouldn't work now would it?

Bardwell said he has discussed the topic with blacks and whites, along with witnessing some interracial marriages. He came to the conclusion that most of black society does not readily accept offspring of such relationships, and neither does white society.

Thus, he was actually doing a favor for all those pathetic mulatto bastards still wanderin' around trying so hard to be accepted somewhere, anywhere.

But I suppose a thank you would be too much to ask from those poor multicolored lepers. Especially the presidential ones.

The Spy Who Knew Too Little: The Rise (And Fall?) Of Leon Panetta

Oh no, is there trouble in Barryland? Perhaps, if you consider the Obama administration's decision to begin a criminal probe of alleged CIA abuses during the Bush administration, minutes after the release of a newly declassified CIA document describing how interrogators threatened to do all kinds of crazy things to detainees, like kill the children of one Sept. 11 suspect and rape the mother of another. You know, typical spy stuff.

But not everyone is happy with these so-called constitutional freedoms that allow the nosy public to view the 2004 CIA inspector general report on all the death it caused, minus the 20 or so pages blacked out for security reasons, not to cover-up illegal activities or heaven forbid torture or anything like that.

CIA director Leon Panetta for one thing is NOT AT ALL pleased with Mr. Goody Two-Shoes Attorney General Eric Holder's decision to appoint a prosecutor to investigate the matter since spies are perfect and would never do anything legally or morally questionable. Ever.

Which explains why Panetta's been getting schooled in the art of temper tantrums from resident expert Rahm Emanuel, so that he can direct his profanity-laced tirades at the whole stupid administration for daring to question the way his spy agency conducts its business of saving America from terrorist attacks and other assorted apocalyptic doom.

Keep this up Barry, and you just might find yourself out of a CIA director. How's that sound? Oh yeah, and then what?

The CIA relies on stability, and the last thing it needs in these uncertain times, is its fifth director since 9/11 storming out the door after an expletive-filled screaming match with White House staff.

Of course, the CIA dismissed the report as "wrong, inaccurate, bogus and false" (wink, wink), Panetta denies any plans to leave his precious CIA, and the only thing the White House would say about the little tirade is that Panetta's known to use "salty language."

Ha ha, yeah, like you're gonna get Leon "Stone-Cold" Panetta to tell you jack sh*t. Even if he knew anything (which, eh, he doesn't), he wouldn't want you people poking around his perfect little spy community, digging (not-so-nice) things up, and exposing his spies.

The gentle and dedicated men and women in the intelligence community willing to go to any lengths (ANY!) all because they love America...and Freedom! And once in a while getting to go medieval on someone's ass. Consequence free, of course!

John McCain In Race Against Obama's Evil Plug-Pulling Death Squads

Poor Gramps McCain. He can't do anything right! Just when he finally understands the whole health care reform debate enough to discuss it publicly without sounding like a walking advertisement for Alzheimer's research who'll likely be dead by the time it passes anyway, that rascal Barack Obama swoops in and snatches away his thunder yet again.

So Johnny finally grows some balls and makes an appearance on "This Week with George Stephanopoulos" to give America an exciting dose of the old straight talk express, health care edition. If there's one thing McCain understands other than whooping Vietcong ass, it is the exorbitant cost of medical care in this country--especially for people who don't have frigid, young, beer heiresses for wives.

Which is why it really is a shame about poor Sen. Ted Kennedy being too sick with brain cancer to participate in negotiations and all, because if he were healthy, John McCain knows health care legislation would cruise through Congress quicker than a war resolution in the wake of 9/11.

"He had a unique way of sitting down with the parties at a table and making the right concessions, which really are the essence of successful negotiations," McCain said. "So it's huge that he's absent, not only because of my personal affection for him, but because I think the health care reform might be in a very different place today."

See, it's all Teddy's fault he got sick and made all the Republicans turn into a bunch of obstructionist assholes who'd rather see the whole nation die of small pox than Barry get his stupid "universal" health plan passed.

But since there's nothing we can do about that, McCain has another brilliant suggestion for a certain President whose name is Barry when it should have been John if he wants to reach congressional agreement on health care: kill the whole "public" option part of the reform plan.

That way, 46 million Americans will still be without health insurance, the current system can continue draining our nation's resources and bankrupting the economy, costs can keep skyrocketing out of control, but at least Obama can be proud of his bipartisan health care legislation reforming not a broken system that hurts hardworking Americans, but the way Congress feels about itself. Because isn't that what's important here?

Well meany Obama has had enough of the GOP's propaganda machine spewing nonsense about government-run death panel brigades to kill Grandma, encouraging armed town hall debates, and equating affordable health coverage for all Americans with the Nazis' policy of exterminating Jews. It's giving him a bad name.

But since he thinks health care is sooooo important, more important even than ensuring sensitive flowers like John McCain and Charles Grassley do not get their feelings hurt, Obama has decided to go it alone.

After "bending over backward" to create a bipartisan bill and "getting almost nothing in return for it", President Obama is ready to "consider alternatives" like ignoring the loser party of obstructionists and instead use his Democratic supermajority to pass health care reform, whether those damn Republicans like it or not.

Someone better warn Gramps McCain his days are numbered.

Barry Surfs The Internets Just Like You & Me!

It's the weekend and Barry's got the comp all to himself! What on earth will dear leader do with his fun playtime alone on the Internets? Will he friend request Queen of the Facebooks Sarah Palin now that she quit running Alaska to take a full time job updating her Facebook status?

Will he hit up the Twitter like a cool Prez and go tweet-to-tweet with Twitterin' King Charles Grassley?

Perhaps he'll check out fakebirthcertificates.com and see if there's anything he can do to muzzle those annoying birther thorns-in-his side once and for all?

Or better yet, maybe he'll see what he can do about replacing that broke-ass, old 17-inch screen of his. I mean the President of the Free World shouldn't be stuck using a Gateway PC running windows XP atop a desk cluttered with an old Dell laptop, a lame inspirational quote mug filled with cheap ballpoint pens, a bunch of folders, stacks of papers, hand sanitizer, and please don't tell me that is a jar of throat lozenges I see near the edge.

Seriously, the dude is one Snuggie and couple of crumbs away from being exactly the same as the rest of us schlubs. Is he trying to make America look bad or something?

John McCain Says No Me Puedo To Sotomayor

Remember that old man with the sassy daughter and hot RICH wife whose biggest accomplishment other than getting beat to smithereens in a Hanoi prison cell was to unleash Sarah Palin upon an unsuspecting world?

Well now John McCain can add another notch to his already impressive resume: opposing the first Hispanic Supreme Court nominee in the history of America...for no good reason! Kudos Johnny!

The ever-savvy decision maker Gramps McCain simply will not vote for that Sotomayor lady on the same sound political rationale that most Republicans have for opposing a Democratic nominee to the Supreme Court: judicial activism (gasp!). The secret term for how this Hispanic lady might seem all nice now, but as soon as she gets on the high court, you can be sure she's gonna turn into one of those crazy liberals who "legislate from the bench" any time they make a decision Republicans don't like.

It has nothing, nothing, to do with the fact that HE should be the one nominating a Supreme Court justice instead of that annoying Barry fella who may or may not be a citizen of these United States.

"The American people will be watching this week when the Senate votes on Judge Sotomayor’s nomination," McCain said. "She is a judge who has foresworn judicial activism in her confirmation hearings, but who has a long record of it prior to 2009. And should she engage in activist decisions...if she uses her lifetime appointment on the bench as a perch to remake law in her own image of justice, I expect that Americans will hold us Senators accountable."

They will Johnny, they will! But seriously, everyone knows you haven't cared about accountability since selling your soul after that embarrassing loss to George W. in 2000.

Which is good because now Johnny doesn't need to pretend to not be a racist anymore like he did for a little back in 2007 during the big immigration reform fight. But that didn't work so well, so it was back to wingnut land for Johnny en route to winning Republican nomination before losing both the election and the respect of the world for seriously trying to pawn off that Palin woman as a legitimate vice president candidate.

Well, now John "Salsa" McCain is in serious jeopardy of losing his 2010 Senate primary in the Mexican-filled state of Arizona, to a guy who runs around shooting border-hopping Mexicans for a living.

Anyone who goes around killing illegals with their buddies for fun and to preserve America is obviously one of the more important people on the political right, and as such, will be a difficult opponent to beat come 2010.

Of course Johnny knows that which is why he will not vote for that Latina So-So lady in the hopes of showing everyone he loves America and hates Mexicans enough to be Arizona's proud senator once again!

Blech, Mexicans!

Will The U.S. And China Ever See Eye-To-Eye?

Notorious peace lover and world diplomat appeaser Barack Obama took his Kumbaya routine to the opening session of the U.S.-China Strategic and Economic Dialogue, where he pleaded with his Commie friends in the Far East to stop trampling its people en route to global domination as the world's hot new superpower.

“Just as we respect China’s ancient culture and remarkable achievements, we also strongly believe that the religion and culture of all peoples must be respected and protected and that all people should be free to speak their minds,” Obama said. “That includes ethnic and religious minorities in China, as surely as it includes minorities within the United States.”

By emphasizing that "The freedom to speak your mind, to worship your God and to choose your leaders” are part of the identity of the United States and luckily not Red China, Obama assured nervous Chinese leaders, “These are not things we wish to impose. This is who we are.”

As opposed to who they are, which is a dissident-crushing behemoth who we wouldn't be so afraid of if not for the small fact that they also happen to own all our assets and make at least half of the stupid s**t we love to buy.

So in an effort to show the world we're not going to risk relations with our favorite creditor on account of a couple of crushed Uighurs, Obama dropped the whole human rights spiel (boring!) in favor of a much more exciting topic: sports!

“President Hu [Jintao] and I both felt that it was important to get our relationship off to a good start,” Obama said. “Of course, as a new president and also as a basketball fan, I have learned from the words of Yao Ming, who said, ‘No matter whether you are new or an old team member, you need time to adjust to one another.’”

"Through this dialogue, I’m confident that we will meet Yao’s standard."

Surely, there must be something to make us shrimpy Americans see eye-to-eye with this 7 ft 6" hardwood court ambassador.

Like standing on a stack of $740 billion nicely folded dollars. Whoever said we couldn't find a way to put our debt to China to good use?

Blue-Eyed Aryan Angel Glenn Beck Fears The Obama Black House

Everyone knows Fox News host and brave, golden-haired messenger of truth Glenn Beck was among the first to warn America about Comrade Barry's socialist revolution and his deviant plot to turn America into the new Soviet Union.

Luckily, America's patriotic guardian is always on the look-out against evil freedom-haters and other ominous, presidential threats to America.

Like the (half-black) KKK Grand Wizard America was duped into electing President of the world, only to find out he hates the white, Kansas half of himself--and three-fourths of America too!

Clearly, President Obama's handling of the controversy over the arrest of Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates Jr. by inviting the hostile white cop and angry black professor over for beers at the White House proves what Glenn Beck has been squawking about all this time.

President Obama's "deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture." He's not sure which one exactly, but believe you me, Glenn knows Obama is no fan of Whitey.

When asked to explain why a bigot like Obama would allow the light-skinned enemy to perpetrate the upper echelons of his cabinet, Beck offers his usual airtight argument and respect for facts.

"I'm not saying he doesn't like white people, I'm saying he has a problem. This guy is, I believe, a racist."

The only exception of course being his love of the WHITE Sox (gasp!), but thankfully the beautiful black tends to overshadow that awful milky hue.

Fox News' Surgeon General Warning: No Chubbies Allowed!

Everyone knows Fox News is a beacon of light and truth, held to the highest standards of journalistic excellence. Which is why it is up to the most "fair and balanced" news station around to cut through the bull and give the American people the real story, no matter the cost.

In what is no doubt another Pulitzer-Prize worthy report, Fox News' Neil Cavuto hosts a not-at-all awkward segment on whether Obama's new surgeon general nominee, Dr. Regina M. Benjamin, is just too damn fat for the job.

To support this airtight argument, Fox welcomed some bald meathead named Michael Karolchyk wearing a "No Chubbies" T-shirt. Classy.

The esteemed guest then proceeded to rip apart Obama's pick for surgeon general on the basis of her being an Orca whale who's too lazy, gluttonous, and all around blubbery to ever be the nation's top doc. The lady can't even control her own metabolism, how the hell is she gonna teach America not to stuff fried chicken in its mouth all day?

Fox's resident health expert doesn't care if Regina Benjamin is a MacArthur Grant genius who championed the poor at a medical clinic she set up in Katrina-ravaged Alabama. The bottom line is her cheeks are just too chubby, her waistline too thick, and most importantly, she just doesn't look hot enough in a pair of skinny jeans to ever make health care and policy decisions for the country.

"Just cause you eat a lot of dinner rolls, doesn't make you a role model."

Damn right! And who would know better than Michael "No Chubbies" Karolchyk? After all, he is the founder of the Anti-Gym, a fitness club whose great contribution to society is getting clients in shape for sex with the lights on. How many of Dr. Benjamin's Katrina refugee patients can say that?

A health expert with washboard abs who's also a good Samaritan? Why, it's just what the doctor ordered! Even if he isn't one.

Emperor Obama's Health Care Complex

Remember that ever-cool President Barack Obama with his big words and booming voice who's going to fix all the problems of the world if those defeatist Republicans would stop bummer-boning all his good ideas for achieving real progress in this country?

"This isn't about me. This isn't about politics. This is about a health care system that is breaking America's families, breaking America's businesses, and breaking America's economy," Obama said.

"There are some in this town who are content to perpetuate the status quo, are in fact fighting reform on behalf of powerful special interests. There are others who recognize the problem, but believe--or perhaps, hope--that we can put off the hard work of insurance reform for another day, another year, another decade."

You see Big Dog Barry has had it up to here with the "politics of delay and defeat," and he's determined to show all those naysayers who the real boss is: A 6' 2" half-black man of the century who is the antithesis of Napoleon.

Which doesn't bode well for Sen. Jim DeMint, who summed up the Republicans' brilliant strategy of praying Obama's fate echoes that of a certain early 19th century, vertically challenged French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte whose overreaching ambitions turned out to be his downfall, during a conference call with "tea party" participants.

"If we’re able to stop Obama on this, it will be his Waterloo. It will break him."

Effeminate, southern gentleman Sen. Lindsey Graham is also hedging his bets that Emperor Obama will fail in his effort to convince Americans of the need for healthcare reform because it "runs contrary to traditionally American values."

"Basically I think he'll fail, because he's trying to convince America to be something other than America," Graham said. "I don't think he's going to be successful, because Americans really do not feel comfortable turning over healthcare to the government."

Yes, they feel much more comfortable not being able to pay for any treatment at all. Anything's better than this god-awful government of this country that we love taking over yet another perfectly functioning industry. Even death...or malpractice.

Sonia Sotomayor Vows To Uphold Law, Even For White Males

Wise, empathetic, Latina owl Sonia Sotomayor pledged to serve the "larger interest of impartial justice" and not only help minority firefighters, baseball players, and Hispanics.

President Obama's Supreme Court nominee to replace retiring hermit Justice David Souter, sassy South Bronx-born (holla!) Sonia Sotomayor hoped to silence critics, aka Republicans, with her Ivy-League educated words (elitist!) and her 17-year experience as a federal appeals judge during the start of her confirmation hearings before Congress.

“The task of a judge is not to make law,” she said. “It is to apply law...My personal and professional experiences help me listen and understand, with the law always commanding the result in every case."

The Senate Judiciary Committee resumes hearings on Tuesday where Democrats will defend her as a Hispanic pioneer well qualified for the high court and Republicans will question whether this means the end for white male supremacy on Earth. The horror!

But in the brilliant words of Sen. Lindsey Graham, the only Republican to even hint he'd vote to confirm Sotomayor, "Unless you have a complete meltdown, you're going to get confirmed."

Of course, Graham quickly added, "And I don't think you will" reminding everyone that Sonia Sotomayor probably isn't going to go off the deep end and short of a miracle from the GOP God, will likely be easily confirmed.

Sen. Jeff Sessions of Alabama, the senior Republican, vowed a "respectful tone" and "maybe some disagreements" before ripping into this self-proclaimed "wise Latina woman" for ever thinking her experience might sometimes help her reach a better decision than a white male.

"I will not vote for, and no senator should vote for an individual nominated by any president who believes it is acceptable for a judge to allow their own personal background, gender, prejudices or sympathies to sway their decision," he said.

"Call it empathy, call it prejudice or call it sympathy, but whatever it is, it's not law," Sessions said. "In truth, it's more akin to politics, and politics has no place in the courtroom."

At least not when a Democrat is in office, God damn it!

Feeling The Heat: G-8 Leaders Agree To Slow Down Assault On Mother Earth

OMG! The United States and the other seven richest economies responsible for turning the world into a CO2-filled, polar bear-less wasteland have finally agreed to stop their lucrative global assault on Mother Earth. Sort of.

For the first time ever, leaders from the Group of Eight industrialized countries agreed to the goal? of keeping the world's average temperature from rising more than 2C (3.6F). Yeah!!

However, any hopes for an international agreement to slash Earth-murdering greenhouse gas emissions by 80 percent by 2050 were scrapped by China and India's refusal to help the atmosphere by hurting their own precious, growing economies.

Despite the mixed results, the latest deal--made possible by America's change in stance since electing someone with a brain to be president instead of a guy it'd be fun to have a beer with--was hailed by leaders as a historic moment in the global fight to save the planet from certain man-made doom!

Just ask British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. He's as excited as an English dude gets!

“Today in Italy we have laid the foundations for a Copenhagen deal that is ambitious, fair and effective. The change from where we were two, three, four years ago is significant. The world has now agreed that the scientific evidence on climate change is compelling.”

In other words, homosexuality, abortion, and Jews are officially off the hook...for now.

Don't Make Him Pop Another Tweet On Your A**!

Whoa, Easy There Barry!

Republican Sen. Charles Ernest "Chuck" Grassley has had enough of Barack Obama's diplomatic traipses across the Mideast and Europe, talking to Muslims and visiting concentration camps.

Who does Obama think he is, galavanting around the world while telling lawmakers it's time to deliver on health care!? The nerve of that man. The nerve!

So Sen. Grassley did what any outraged GOP member of Congress would do and issued not one but two very angry tweets to give Mr. Rainbow tour Obama a piece of his mind.

Tweet #1: "Pres Obama you got nerve while u sightseeing in Paris to tell us 'time to deliver' on health care. We still on skedul/even workinWKEND."

Tweet #2: "Pres Obama while u sightseeing in Paris u said 'time to delivr on healthcare' When you are a 'hammer' u think evrything is NAIL I'm no NAIL."

Responding to Grassley's Twitter tantrum, White House spokesman Reid Cherlin said, "President Obama is gratified that the Senate is working hard to bring a health reform bill to the floor on schedule. He looks forward to continuing his work with them upon his return from the commemoration of Allied heroism at D-Day."

But in the meantime, kudos Chuck. Looks like Michael Steele's off-the-hook revamp of the Republican Party's really starting to pay off. Holla!

Obama Enlists Racist, Estrogen-Filled Mexican To Help Ruin America's Fave Boy's Club, The Supreme Court

The Three Musketeers

Here she is, ladies and gentleman: the newest activist justice on the Supreme Court, federal appeals judge Sonia Sotomayor! She is not only the third estrogen-filled woman, she is also the first Mexican ever to be nominated to the nation's highest court. She also used to be a poor, has lots of empathy, and was not born prior to the civil war: three qualities Comrade Barry thinks are very important for a new Justice.

Joe Biden is thrilled too because he has tons of respect for strong Latina women, not to mention plenty of killer jokes about Hispanics the nation is gonna eat up. Some real classics! But, don't worry, he already promised Barry he wouldn't speak until after her Senate confirmation hearings when Democrats vote for her and Republicans vote against her but can't do anything to stop her because no one listens to what minorities have to say anyway. Unless they're are female and Hispanic. Then they get to make the law!

This makes Rush Limbaugh very angry. Angrier even than when he realizes he just took his last handful of vicodans and the pharmacy won't be open until tomorrow.

You see, Rush wants Senora Sotomayor to fail. And he's not afraid to say it. Wanna know why?

She is a horrible pick and the antithesis of a judge and is going to be a disaster on the court. She's also a racist. Actually a reverse racist. Of course the libs will try to say that minorities cannot be racists because they don't have the power to implement their racism but everyone knows that Obama is the greatest living example of a reverse racist. And now he's gone and appointed a Mexican woman racist to the Supreme Court where she can wage war on innocent middle aged Christian white men who love narcotics and America.

Guess you're wishing we had finished that border fence after all aren't you, America?

Congress Declares War On Credit Card Companies And Peaceful Nature Lovers

President Obama and the Democratic demonchildren in Congress finally stuck it to the big, bad credit card companies, passing sweeping reforms aimed at reducing the number of ways credit card companies can screw with unsuspecting consumers like you and me.

The new measure adds protections for debt-stricken credit card users, and does away with hidden charges, extra fees and all the other creative ways credit card try to dupe dumb Americans into buying a bunch of sh*t they can't afford.

The House of Representative passed the bill by a whopping 361-64 margin, paving the way for Comrade Barry to sign the bill and rescue America from the evil tricks of American Express, Visa, MasterCard, and the like, no matter how much we enjoy their "priceless" commercials reminding us that the best things in life are free, so you might as well throw yourself into debt buying all the cool stuff plastic can buy.

Even Republicans joined Obama's credit card crusade; they just took a little more convincing that's all. Luckily, the Democrats were in a very good mood and more than happy to tack on a little "sweetener" to please the GOP, since they know helping the average American isn't exactly their style.

So, in the spirit of bipartisan cooperation, they made the Republicans an offer they couldn't refuse: Agree to help protect consumers from getting financially raped by the credit card companies, and they'll finally let you bring your precious loaded guns into national parks and wildlife refuges.

Which may be a bit risky considering the Republican Party recently replaced the grey wolf on the U.S. list of endangered species.

Guns And Parks: What A Lovely Duo!

What A Long Strange (100 Day) Trip It's Been!

100 down, 265 to go. Repeat three times and voila! Barack Obama's first term is officially in the history books. What a wild ride it's been so far!

So, what has Barry managed to accomplish in his first 100 days in office, aside from insult the Special Olympics and the entire disabled community, hobnob with Hollywood stars and athletes, get a dog not from a shelter as promised but from a Kennedy, pal around with dangerous Socialists like Hugo Chavez and those two Castros, and embark on the first part of his master plan to turn America into Soviet Russia.

But President Obama's communist reign of terror doesn't end there.

Not by a long shot.

Obama has also spent these first 100 days gutting many of George W. Bush's brilliant policies, undoing eight years of his hard work keeping America safe by destroying the economy, raping the environment, flushing the Geneva Convention (and Constitution) down one of Gitmo's toilets, once they unclog the damn Koran stuck in the drain, and showing the world what happens when you mess with the mighty Red, White, and Blue.

Makes you miss the good old days. When someone competent was in office. Instead of Mr. 3-D-loving cool guy we call President now. I mean if the guy can't even stop crazy pig diseases from attacking the United States, how the hell is he gonna stop the terrorists!?

Covering their mouths and washing their hands?

Barack-etology! Obama's Method To The Madness

Barry Knows Best?

Barack Obama may have an economy to save, two wars to fight, and the weight of the world on his shoulders, but that doesn't mean he's too busy for a little March Madness action.

I mean there's a reason Air Force One has DirecTV, and it's not for watching C-SPAN.

As for who's gonna win the big dance, President Obama's thinking Carolina. He's giving the powder blue one more chance to redeem themselves after a disappointing last year.

"Now, for the Tar Heels who are watching, I picked you all last year -- you let me down. This year, don't embarrass me in front of the nation, all right? I'm counting on you. I still got those sneakers you guys gave me."

Don't make him chuck them at your heads during a live post-game press conference.

Obama's Bleeding Blue

The Gospel Of Dick

God, I'll miss this man. It's only been two weeks, yet I almost forgot how lovably delightful our former vice president can be.

Like in the latest interview, where Dick spreads his usual sunshine and good cheer by predicting the catastrophic end of days all because America decided to elect some terrorist-loving socialist as its leader.

The U.S. could've just as easily opted for continued prosperity by switching around a few constitutional "inconveniences" (like those pesky term limits) so true patriots like himself and Dubya could protect America indefinitely.

Take it from Dick.

“National security is a tough, mean, dirty, nasty business. These are evil people. And we’re not going to win this fight by turning the other cheek.”

You hear that people? Enough with that Hippie Jesus bull-sh*t. The only thing peace, love and brotherhood of man ever did for Jesus was get him strung up on a cross.

If you really care about this country perhaps you should stop wondering, "What Would Jesus Do?" and instead ask yourself "What Would Dick Do?"

The answer is whatever the f**k it takes.

Wheels Just Mean I Move Faster!

Yes, We Can? More Like Yes, We Did!!

"Can You Dig It?"

YES, WE DID!! YES, WE DID!!

Congratulations America, you've made us proud. Except for maybe a few fleeting moments of terror, we never even really doubted you that much.

In the words of your historic new President-Elect, Barack Obama, I guess you could say, we were well hopeful.

We always kind of thought you would stop acting like a bunch of raging imbeciles and finally act like the America we love so much.

The America that is only hated by the same few kooks who always hate us no matter what, and not by every nation across the globe, including some of our closest friends, for reasons that, well, make us hate us too.

But we apparently got sick of acting like a bunch of a**holes for the last couple of years.

So, congratulations to you America!! You have earned it.

Instead of disappointing yourselves and the rest of humanity by voting for that other guy, you have taken a major step forward in reclaiming your rightful place as the coolest country on the block.

You have refused to let fear and ignorance dictate your life and instead have decided to embrace the true character of America, whose diversity, unity, and strength merge together to create a place where anything is possible.

Yes, the American Dream is alive and well, my friends. His name is Barack Hussein Obama, but you can just call him President.

Ushering In Change At Obama's Victory Speech In Chicago