Emperor Obama's Health Care Complex

Remember that ever-cool President Barack Obama with his big words and booming voice who's going to fix all the problems of the world if those defeatist Republicans would stop bummer-boning all his good ideas for achieving real progress in this country?

"This isn't about me. This isn't about politics. This is about a health care system that is breaking America's families, breaking America's businesses, and breaking America's economy," Obama said.

"There are some in this town who are content to perpetuate the status quo, are in fact fighting reform on behalf of powerful special interests. There are others who recognize the problem, but believe--or perhaps, hope--that we can put off the hard work of insurance reform for another day, another year, another decade."

You see Big Dog Barry has had it up to here with the "politics of delay and defeat," and he's determined to show all those naysayers who the real boss is: A 6' 2" half-black man of the century who is the antithesis of Napoleon.

Which doesn't bode well for Sen. Jim DeMint, who summed up the Republicans' brilliant strategy of praying Obama's fate echoes that of a certain early 19th century, vertically challenged French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte whose overreaching ambitions turned out to be his downfall, during a conference call with "tea party" participants.

"If we’re able to stop Obama on this, it will be his Waterloo. It will break him."

Effeminate, southern gentleman Sen. Lindsey Graham is also hedging his bets that Emperor Obama will fail in his effort to convince Americans of the need for healthcare reform because it "runs contrary to traditionally American values."

"Basically I think he'll fail, because he's trying to convince America to be something other than America," Graham said. "I don't think he's going to be successful, because Americans really do not feel comfortable turning over healthcare to the government."

Yes, they feel much more comfortable not being able to pay for any treatment at all. Anything's better than this god-awful government of this country that we love taking over yet another perfectly functioning industry. Even death...or malpractice.

Obama Takes Break From Murdering Flies To Make Gays Feel Like Real Citizens

Liberal hippie Barack Obama has promised to do a lot of things, namely fix the economy, healthcare, Iraq, Afghanistan, and basically everything else Georgey managed to screw up completely. He also promised the gays he'd try to help make them first-class citizens, but excuuuuse him if his plate's been a little full!

So, with the pace of a sloth dipped in molasses, President Barack Obama signed a memorandum extending some federal benefits to same-sex partners of federal workers. Of course, the measure doesn't cover healthcare and retirement benefits, two of the things no one ever thinks about when they think about "employment benefits." Perhaps they'll get a discount on Nationals tickets or Lincoln Memorial tours instead?

As he signed the historic legislation into law, Obama said, "Extending equal benefits to the same-sex partners of Federal employees is the right thing to do," although he did note that by law, the government cannot grant gay couples the same range of benefits afforded to heterosexual couples. Sorry, gays, better luck next time.

Obama also reiterated his opposition to the Defense of Marriage Act, saying, "It's discriminatory, it interferes with States' rights, and it's time we overturned it."

But if you'll excuse him, he has a few flies to kill first.