Glenn Beck University: A Higher Education For Those With Higher Callings & Even Higher Doses Of Antipsychotics

Why waste your time spending oodles of your precious, hard-earned money on those arugula-eating, elitist institutions with their liberal values (abortions & homos!) and hoity-toity academic accreditations? When for just a fraction of the cost you can get all that and more!

Welcome to the brand spanking-new manifestation of Glenn Beck's alcohol and drug ravaged, born again mind, "Beck University" where eager, knowledge-hungry pupils can brush up on fundamental courses like "faith," "hope," "charity," and "101 creepy things you can do with a chalkboard."

All while putting money straight into the pocket of their favortiest teary-eyed patriot of decaffeinated herbal beverages, and pudgy poster boy for what happens when mental illness goes untreated, Glenn Lee Beck.

It's true, America!

While the rest of the nation is relaxing poolside or wallowing in liberal dens of iniquity like secular summer camps not exclusively devoted to the study and worship of Jesus, the chosen few, who pledge their allegiance to a weeping blond haired, blue-eyed baby face Aryan Fox anchor with a buzz cut and not-at-all-bizarre obsession with the Third Reich, can head back into the classroom for "a unique academic experience bringing together experts in the fields of religion, American history and economics."

“School may be out for the summer, but for Glenn Beck class is just starting,” reads an announcement on Beck’s website. “This July, while others are relaxing poolside, head back to the classroom — from the comfort of your own home. That may sound like an oxymoron, but Glenn’s new academic program is only available online.”

Actually, pretty much just the moron part.

For those fellow truth seekers and pudgy, pale patriots of White America, Glenn Beck's University has everything one could hope for pray to Jesus Christ for. Like online classes which "meet" every Wednesday through September 1 and boasts three renowned, certifiably wingnut, deeply committed (to mental hospitals?) "professors" teaching "Faith 101," "Hope 101," and "Charity 101" for entry level students, with 102 and 103 level classes in subsequent weeks.

Oooh, meaning you can too can earn your PhD in freedom in almost the amount of time it takes Glenn Beck to pour artificial tears into his eyes, and have his daily one-on-one conversation with God before the camera starts to roll.

Plus, you'll finally perfect drawing that lovely swastika you've been practicing, thanks to Glenn Beck's personal tutorial on how to decorate your home or office with beautiful Nazi insignias even Hitler would love.

Not to mention, the one-of-a-kind opportunity to sit inside, in front of a computer screen on hot summer days, combing through conspiracy theories and learning all about how you too can help take your country back from illegal Kenyan terrorists with a deep-seated hatred for white culture, or just deep-seated hatred of fat white idiots with small brains and extra large tear ducts, or whatever the case may be.

The classes are offered exclusively to anyone who signs up to be Glenn Beck's "Insider Extreme" subscribers, pays the bargain basement monthly fee of  $9.95, and possesses the unique ability to suspend brain activity for endless hours at a time.

Naturally, the mission statement of Beck University is gleaned from the Latin saying on its Coat of Arms: "Tyrannis Seditio, Obsequium Deo," which sort of translates to "Revolution against tyrants, submission to God."

Or for those among us who don't spend their days contemplating the oppression of the White Man while staring out of their Overton Window, "Revolution against truth, submission to God-complexes."

“Through captivating lectures and interactive online discussions, these experts will explore the concepts of faith, hope and charity and show you how they influence America’s past, her present and most importantly her future,” the website promises.

Like what would happen if, say, every last one of Beck's freedom fighters suddenly freed themselves from inhabiting this Earthly realm??

Hmmm, The Rapture?

Quick, sign up now and you get a special bonus course at no added charge: Vicks VapoRub Weeping 101. With a special introductory session for those looking to brush up on their skills making fun of 11-year-old first daughters for asking Daddy when he's going to plug the hole.

Likely as soon as Professor Beck wraps up his lecturing leaking toxic waste Tour de Farce and decides class is dismissed.

Which should be right around the time he's offered his first major motion picture starring role as the title character in the Nutty Professor III: F**k the Klumps, Beck's Bringing Kluxy Back!

Teabaggers Know Obama 'Bin' Pretendin' To Be American 'Agin'!

You may think Teabaggers are nothing more than ignorant, gun-crazed Grand KKK Wizards with nothing better to do than intimidate old people at peaceful health care town hall debates, and pretend to go into cardiac arrest outside of Senate offices because they love freedom but hate black presidents who try to give them more health insurance options than starve to death or pay for their five-year-old kid's life saving kidney operation.

But did you know that they are also comic geniuses? Think about it. Without these frizzy haired, toothless lovers of herbs, spices, and liberty waving Nazi signs signs and WWJD posters, there would be no hilariously stupid homemade signs to provide hours of entertainment and hearty laughter for the rest of us unpatriotic Socialists who hate America and want nothing more than to see the Constitution burned and strung up from the nearest tree in an exciting, fun-filled public execution ceremony.

Which is why we are eternally grateful for these loyal patriots who drove their freedom trucks from all across the U.S. of A to head to the heart of darkness (aka Washington, DC) to participate in Tuesday's "Code Red Health Care Rally" to protest the $875 billion health care bill and harass the terrible DEMONcrats trying to shove health care down the throats of decent, hardworking Americans whose throats feel just fine, thank you very much.

But this time, the evil Feminazis and abortionists running the Democratic Party have decided to finally fight back against the crazy Republicans' attempts to turn every single, obscure-yet-common procedural move into proof of the coming doomsday Barackalypse.

House Speaker and chief SS officer, Nancy Pelosi had the nerve to send House Democrats a memo offering tips for how nervous Dems should handle the crowds of blood-thirsty teabaggers swarming their offices, demanding either answers or heads-on-sticks. Preferably, the latter.

"Tens of thousands of conservative and Tea Party activists will be on the Hill as part of what they are dubbing a 'Surge Against Obamacare,'" reads the memo, which also includes a checklist of provisions in the current bill to counter the "caricature of the reform bill presented by right-wing media outlets."

A checklist of facts which includes such mainstream media lies as: "Reduces the deficit; Cracks down on Medicare waste, fraud, and abuse; Provides historic tax credit for small businesses and individuals to purchase health insurance."

Haha, nice try Nancy. I mean who needs facts when you have throngs of pitchfork-wielding teabaggers carrying their own, awesome, homemade versions of the truth?

Truths like "Obama bin Lyin' Agin" because everyone knows our 44th President is really Al Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden disguised as a charming former community organizer with a sweet jumpshot and a burning desire to reform health care in a twisted, ingenious plot to curb the insurance industries fleecing of the public, and improve the health of the nation, just so he can destroy the whole, robust lot of 'em once they're no longer bed-ridden and/or rotting in debtors prison.

Of course, "Agin" isn't just the savvy teabaggers way of spelling "again," like a true American either, but likely secret code for something terrible and racist dumb people like to call colored presidents when they try to come between them and their doctor and the insurance company already lodged cozily between them.

But the big question is what the hell is a George W. Bush cartoon doing on the above teabagger's lovely sign?

Certainly, it can't be a picture of NObama, without the obligatory Hitler mustache, watermelon patches, or piles of Jewish corpses to accompany it.

C'mon people, how are we supposed to get all fired up about Barry's Bolshevik plot to murder Grandma and snack on Baby Trig if we don't even know how to properly draw an insulting cartoon version of him?

I mean, here we are, supposed to hate the man for destroying The Great America, and all I want to do is hug him, grab some beers, and maybe go for a ride on his magical Dumbo ears over to Crawford Ranch to visit his twin brother and lovely wife Laura, in retirement, after his productive, eight-year stint almost destroying civilization as we know it.

With health care.

GOP's Insane Billboards Of Hate Coming To A Highway Near You!

Remember that crazy Cartoon Network fundraising PowerPoint the Republicans used to patronize prospective donors while begging for their loose change as part of the brilliant GOP strategy of simultaneously insulting and scaring the shit out of the American people?

Of course you don't, since apparently no Republicans remember it either, preferring instead to pretend the hideous monster they created then magically forgot two days later was simply a figure of everyone else's imagination. Certainly nothing any self-respecting Grand Old Party member would ever concoct. Not this GOP, no sir-ee!

Buuuuut, let's say the Republican National Committee did in fact create this embarrassingly demented, stunningly cynical and stupid PowerPoint presentation in order to capitalize on the growing Obama Derangement Syndrome currently rearing its ugly head on protest posters, anonymous email-chains, highway billboards and anywhere wingnuts, nutjobs and assorted other nuts of the right are found. Is that really soooooo bad?

Clearly, cries of Socialism and Soviet hammer and sickles, crazy Birther plots, the president-as-a-secret-Muslim-terrorist-from-Kenya conspiracies, and calls for armed revolution against a democratically elected U.S. government, all in the name of freedom, is evidence of mounting populist frustration, not a bunch of rogue rednecks, racists, and rejects, stoked for partisan gain by RNC Finance Director Rob Bickhart in his artfully brilliant nod to Joseph Goebbels, aka the RNC's "Evil Empire, Obama-as-Joker" playbook.

But, even before the RNC's fear-based, intelligence-insulting PowerPoint propaganda became a public source of humiliation, its impact was already all around us--crazed teabaggers storming Senate offices to spontaneously die in protest of health care reform, wingnut secessionist rallies, and Jesus Freaks, gun nuts, and crazy Oath Keepers all coming out of the woodwork, waving Obama Nazi signs to protest the worst Socialist threat since Adolf Hitler tried to get affordable health reform for Jews back in 1944.

And now, thanks to the Grand Old Propaganda of the Grand Old Party to poison the president and scare the people, Obama Derangement Syndrome is being field-tested across roadside America, with racism, ignorance, and sheer wingnuttery dotting heartland highways stretching far and wide through these great United States.

So the next time you're cruising along Route 66 and see a scary black man with a Hitler mustache and the words "NObama's comin' for yer gunz" next to an aborted fetus and two homos exchanging vows (gasp!), you'll be happy to know there is at least one party who cares about good, old-fashioned American values like white robes, pointed hats, and putting charming Negros back where they belong: sweating in a vast field of cotton under the blazing Kenyan sun.

Since When Is The Extermination Of Jews Not An Effective Argument Against Health Care?

After countless Obama equals Hitler signs, various Nazi references, and numerous, hilarious jokes about NObama's coming health care reform Holocaust, Jewish groups and the rest of the population with functioning brains have finally sounded the alarms about the disturbing proliferation of swastikas and anti-Semitic banners, signs, and slogans every time the teabaggers rally together to praise freedom and shout obscenities at that Kenyan man.

And to think, all it took to get the Jews riled up was a poster showing piles of Jewish corpses with the caption National Socialist Health Care: Dachau, Germany--1945.

All class, those teabaggers!

After Thursday's Bachmann-led "Super Bowl of Freedom," David A. Harris, President of the National Jewish Democratic Council issued this statement:

"Today's G.O.P. "Tea Party" on Capitol Hill opposing health insurance reform invoked disgusting Holocaust imagery and outright anti-Semitism. Top Republican Party leaders including House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), House Republican Whip Eric Cantor (R-VA), and House Republican Conference Chairman Mike Pence (R-IN) stood before a crowd that included a banner protesting health care reform and displaying corpses from the Holocaust. Yet another sign charged that Obama takes his orders from the Rothchilds. Such vile invocations of Nazi and Holocaust rhetoric have been condemned in recent weeks by rabbinic movements, the Interfaith Alliance, and the American Gathering of Jewish Holocaust Survivors and their Descendants."

Not surprisingly, Republican leaders have been somewhat less vocal on the matter, finding no problem whatsoever with teabaggers throwing Nazi comparisons all over the place or showing dead Jews at Dachau to warn Americans of the fate they'll suffer under ObamaCare.

It only took Rep. Eric Cantor's (R-VA), the only Jewish Republican in Congress, over three months to finally utter a peep about GOP hero Rush Limbaugh's innocent claim that "Adolf Hitler, like Barack Obama, also ruled by dictate."

But at least this GOP leader grew the balls to stand up and say large, graphic photographs of slaughtered Jews may be "inappropriate" and that since you asked, no, he doesn't "condone the mention of Hitler in any discussion about politics because obviously that is something that conjures up images that frankly are not, I think, very helpful."

But do you know what is helpful? A half assed response some 12 weeks after the incident occurred when no one even remembers what the hell he's referring to anyway. But whatever. A real mensch, that minority whip!

Then there's former Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO) who thinks it makes perfect sense for tea partiers to show posters of Nazi concentration camp victims as a way to link health care reform to Nazism.

"You bet" it's appropriate, Tancredo said, arguing that because protesters during the Bush administration used photos of a decapitated president, everything is fair game.

"It's all ugly," he said. But he does agree with unnaturally orange-hued House Minority Leader John Boehner that health care is the biggest threat the country has ever seen.

"It is in fact socialism," Tancredo said. "It is a true, very scary threat."

He couldn't, however, answer when MSNBC anchor David Shuster asked if Medicare and the Veterans Administration, both single payer programs, pose a similar threat.

In fact, Tancredo was so offended by Daily Kos founder Markos Moulitsas for even mentioning that Tancredo avoided military service during the Vietnam War and deferred being drafted after college because he was being treated for depression, that he stormed out of the interview.

"I'm a veteran," Moulitsas said after Tancredo claimed veterans would prefer vouchers over VA care. "I did not get a deferment because I was too depressed to fight in the war I supported in Vietnam."

"That's a cheap rotten stupid thing to say," Tancredo said, adding that it sounded just like something a certain Third Reich leader with a cute mustache would say.

If he wasn't too busy reforming health care, that is.

John McCain In Race Against Obama's Evil Plug-Pulling Death Squads

Poor Gramps McCain. He can't do anything right! Just when he finally understands the whole health care reform debate enough to discuss it publicly without sounding like a walking advertisement for Alzheimer's research who'll likely be dead by the time it passes anyway, that rascal Barack Obama swoops in and snatches away his thunder yet again.

So Johnny finally grows some balls and makes an appearance on "This Week with George Stephanopoulos" to give America an exciting dose of the old straight talk express, health care edition. If there's one thing McCain understands other than whooping Vietcong ass, it is the exorbitant cost of medical care in this country--especially for people who don't have frigid, young, beer heiresses for wives.

Which is why it really is a shame about poor Sen. Ted Kennedy being too sick with brain cancer to participate in negotiations and all, because if he were healthy, John McCain knows health care legislation would cruise through Congress quicker than a war resolution in the wake of 9/11.

"He had a unique way of sitting down with the parties at a table and making the right concessions, which really are the essence of successful negotiations," McCain said. "So it's huge that he's absent, not only because of my personal affection for him, but because I think the health care reform might be in a very different place today."

See, it's all Teddy's fault he got sick and made all the Republicans turn into a bunch of obstructionist assholes who'd rather see the whole nation die of small pox than Barry get his stupid "universal" health plan passed.

But since there's nothing we can do about that, McCain has another brilliant suggestion for a certain President whose name is Barry when it should have been John if he wants to reach congressional agreement on health care: kill the whole "public" option part of the reform plan.

That way, 46 million Americans will still be without health insurance, the current system can continue draining our nation's resources and bankrupting the economy, costs can keep skyrocketing out of control, but at least Obama can be proud of his bipartisan health care legislation reforming not a broken system that hurts hardworking Americans, but the way Congress feels about itself. Because isn't that what's important here?

Well meany Obama has had enough of the GOP's propaganda machine spewing nonsense about government-run death panel brigades to kill Grandma, encouraging armed town hall debates, and equating affordable health coverage for all Americans with the Nazis' policy of exterminating Jews. It's giving him a bad name.

But since he thinks health care is sooooo important, more important even than ensuring sensitive flowers like John McCain and Charles Grassley do not get their feelings hurt, Obama has decided to go it alone.

After "bending over backward" to create a bipartisan bill and "getting almost nothing in return for it", President Obama is ready to "consider alternatives" like ignoring the loser party of obstructionists and instead use his Democratic supermajority to pass health care reform, whether those damn Republicans like it or not.

Someone better warn Gramps McCain his days are numbered.

Obama Declares Jihad On America By Wishing Muslims A Happy Ramadan

Oh no Barry, anything but this! Please tell me you did not make a videotape offering "best wishes to Muslims in America and around the world and wishing them 'Ramadan Kareem' on behalf of the American people."

The last thing you're supposed to do as President of America is give people more reason to believe you're in fact a secret Muslim terrorist, which is exactly what saying Muslim-y things like Ramadan Kareem does. As does explaining the significance of Ramadan to non-Muslim viewers or talking about Muslim culture in any way other than calling them a bunch of terrorists.

So basically rather than reassuring the jittery citizens of this great nation that their President is not a secret migrant Kenyan who praises Allah instead of Jesus, fifty million white grandmothers in America are instead opening their forwarded e-mails for the day right now and freaking the f**k out!

Sure Obama makes sure to mention his "own Christian faith" and the common values shared by all people regardless of religion, as if that really matters when the next words out of his mouth are some crazy Arabic phrase meaning "May Allah make your Ramadan observance generous." Has dear leader forgotten his middle name is Hussein and what country he lives in or something?

Obama then rambles on about what he considers issues of importance to the Muslim world (boring!), the universal rights of all people (yawn...), peace and security for Palestinians and Israelis (zzzzz...), building strong partnerships (yada yada) and seeking common ground despite our differences. Blah blah blah.

After what seems like forever, Obama finally concludes his Kumbaya video to the Muslim world by emphasizing his Cairo message of seeking common ground, the importance of listening to one another, and reiterating his "commitment to a new beginning between America and Muslims around the world."

"May God's peace be upon you."

This guy sounds like a total Nazi.

Hey Kids, It's Comedy Hour With Barney And Rush!

Aww, snap! Someone just got served! Big bad Barney Frank doesn't like being interrupted. And he certainly doesn't like having his town hall discussion disrupted so that some seemingly normal looking woman who's actually bat crazy can ask him pressing, substantive health care reform questions like, "Why are you supporting this Nazi policy?" while holding up a tasteful Obama equals Hitler sign.

Which is precisely why Barry very calmly answers this young gal's query by calling her approach, "vile, contemptible nonsense" and responding with his own question, "On what planet do you spend most of your time?"

He then decides not to humor this idiot lady with a legitimate answer because "Trying to have a conversation with you would be like arguing with a dining room table." And being the reasonable person that he is, Barney really doesn't see any point in trying to talk sense into an inanimate object with racist tendencies. Fair enough.

But not everyone thinks this dining room table got a fair shake from old Barney.

Sure, Rush Limbaugh thinks "it's fabulous and fantastic, and hilarious that a woman shows up at a Barney Frank town hall meeting with an Obama-as-Hitler poster and this Nazi stuff, in his district. I mean, this is unreal."

"But the killer for me was, here's Barney Frank saying, 'What planet do you live on?' to this woman. Isn't it an established fact that Barney Frank himself spends of his time living around Uranus?" HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Get it?? No, not because he's Jewish but because he's a GAY (gasp!). LOL! Hilarious.

And to think it only took Rushy three scrapped drafts, 200 revisions, a trough of dark roast coffee, twenty cans of Red Bull, five large pizzas, two double bacon cheeseburgers, 10 cigars, and three bottles of his usual hydrocodone-oxycodone cocktail to come up with it!

Looks like it's SHOWTIME at the Apollo for someone...

Sarah Palin Won't Let Obama's Death Squads Kill Lil' Trigger

In her first "communication" since officially resigning as Empress of Alaska and warning the evil media to quit "makin' things up" like the nasty rumor that America's favorite Alaskan ice duo are going the way of Levi and Bristol, Sarah Palin took to the Internets to rail against President (?) Obama's Nazi-esque health care reform to kill her infant son Trig (gasp!) and all other undesirables, especially retarded babies and old people.

Now, Sarah is understandably very upset about the situation, which is why she took to her favoritest Facebook to warn the nation about Obama's gruesome call for mandatory execution-style murder of all Down Syndrome babies.

"The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil."

When lives of precious babies (Palin or otherwise) are at stake, there is absolutely no time for Sarah to worry about specifics such as reality. That's where "official" spokeswoman Meg Stapleton comes in!

When asked where the hell that unemployed Alaskan maverick got her information about Obama's plan to kill Trig, spokeswoman of the year Meg Stapleton pointed to page 425 of the House Democrats' bill, which contains a section referring to, "a list of national and state-specific resources to assist consumers and their families with advance care planning consultation for seniors, including voluntary discussions of living wills, power of attorney, or the decision to reject extraordinary measures of life support.”

At least Herr Öbama could have the decency to say what he actually means instead of hiding his murderous intentions in seemingly benign phrases like "consumers and their families."

Clearly, sociopath Barry's health-care overhaul would not only pressure senior citizens into killing themselves, but also specifically target little Trigger and who knows, probably even Sarah's entire family. I mean how old are her parents anyway? Definitely too old for Obama's tastes, and frankly, mine as well.

Luckily, we have a genius like Sarah to read between the lines and bring us the truth about Obama's death squads. And to think, she almost gave all this up to do something stupid like actually complete her whole elected term as governor. Thank goodness for higher callings!

Another Royal Screw-Up?

Royal rebel Prince Harry apologized for the latest scandal to jolt Buckingham Palace (and the world!), involving some "racist" comments Harry made in 2006 when he was pretending to be like every other normal, crass soldier and not some hoity-toity, third-in-line to the British throne.

Harry, who is an army lieutenant in the Household Cavalry's Blues and Royals (guess that's where they put blue-blooded quasi-soldiers) and the red-headed younger brother of proper royal Prince William, said he was sorry for telling a fellow cadet he looked like a "raghead" and referring to another as "our little Paki friend."

He didn't mean any offense by it. That's just the way common soldiers who aren't heirs to the British throne speak to each other when they horse around and defend their country against terrorists and other threats.

There's no reason for everyone to get all worked up. It's not like he went to a costume party wearing a Nazi uniform and swastika armband.

I mean seriously people, leave poor Harry alone already!

Heil, Harry!

Surprise! Another Dingbat Politician From Georgia Says Something Stupid

That Bear Makes You Look So Brave, Congressman!

Another salt of the earth Republican from Georgia finds himself in hot water for making some outrageously racist comments about how Obama is really a Nazi who will establish an American Gestapo to impose his fascist or Marxist dictatorship.

I kid you not.

But what could comrade Barry possibly have done to get the honorable Rep. Paul Broun, who represents Georgia's illustrious 10th district, all worked up?

Apparently, in a June speech, Obama called for the building of a new civil service corps to help take take the burden off the already-stretched military. He also called for expanding the nation's foreign service and doubling the size of the Peace Corps "to renew our diplomacy."

Well, Mr. Obama, Rep. Paul Broun knows radical socialism when he hears it. And he is not about to let that kind of Anti-American behavior go on in his backyard.

"That's exactly what Hitler did in Nazi Germany and it's exactly what the Soviet Union did...We can't be lulled into complacency. You have to remember that Adolf Hitler was elected in a democratic Germany. I'm not comparing him to Adolf Hitler. What I'm saying is there is the potential."

That's true Paul. There is always potential. Like the potential that the collective IQ of this country drops precipitously every time some moron, who can't even spell the word Brown (Broun?) correctly, opens his dumb trap.