The Only Thing Scarier Than Mobs Of Crazed, Gun-Waving Teabaggers Are Mobs Of Polite, Hand-Waving Tea Drinkers

Unless you've been living under a rock (no, no, not whatever it is that's beneath Rick Perry's perfectly combed, thick brown coif) or have simply been too busy following Sarah Palin's earth-shattering announcement not to continue duping dumb white people out of their hard-earned money in her ridiculous faux presidential ponzi scheme/grifter bus tour, chances are you're aware that thousands of everyday people have taken their peace pipes and hacky sacks and streamed into New York City to protest corporate greed, economic inequality, and of course, Wall Street's unchecked ability to forcefully bend over and repeatedly screw the rest of the 99% of pathetic, non-billionaire schlubs like you and me.

Well some people, like, say every Republican (and/or filthy rich banker, baron, magnate, mogul) to ever grace God's once-green, now oil-scorched Earth, don't much care for like-minded, progressive people putting down their soy, no-foam triple shot lattes and MacBook Pros to politely protest getting fleeced by the same mega-corporations they were forced to bail out, as a thank you for so generously causing the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.

Damn those hippie tree-huggers and their stupid whales!

It's one thing when it's heavily-armed old white sociopaths waving Nazi signs and shrieking about how giving health care to poor people and children is terrorism. But a diverse crowd of gross liberals peacefully gathering in public parks to speak out against corporate malfeasance and income equality? ARRRRGGGGHHHH, run for your lives, crazed mobs of madmen are coming to kill you!

In a speech to social conservatives at the Values Voters Summit, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor blasted the Wall Street protesters as "growing mobs" that are trying to divide the country. "Believe it or not, some in this town have actually condoned the pitting of Americans against Americans."

But only when it's poor Americans versus rich Americans. Otherwise it is terrible class warfare and has no place in his United States of AmERICANTOR.

"I for one am increasingly concerned about the growing mobs occupying Wall Street and the other cities across the country."

Yes, that's right! "Growing mobs" are not angry throngs of obese white supremacists with Jesus Saves tees and Don't Tread On Me signs motor-scootering around small town America screaming about secession, while hoisting various Glock 19s and semi-automatic machine guns before NObama takes them all away because of Socialism.

Don't be ridiculous! They are nice educated folks joining with workers unions, teachers unions, and assorted other young-to-middle aged rabble-rousers to express their collective frustration at the abusive tactics and sheer recklessness of the nation's current financial system.

Even the usually meek, deer-in-headlights White House Press Secretary Jay Carney couldn't help but call out Mr. Cantor for being even more of a sniveling hypocritical pussy than usual.

"I sense a little hypocrisy unbound here--what we're seeing on the streets of New York is an expression of democracy. I think I remember how Mr. Cantor described protests of the tea party--I can't understand how one man's mob is another man's democracy."

Umm, what exactly do you not understand? Revolution is only acceptable when it's a bunch of fat old racists who don't want to pay their taxes or help sick kids not die, duh!

Delusional fast-food merchant and self-proclaimed "black walnut" Herman Cain understands these things, just like he understands what the Republicans are looking for in their next president is someone significantly less white than Obama.

From Mother Jones:

“I don’t have facts to back this up, but I happen to believe that these demonstrations are planned and orchestrated to distract from the failed policies of the Obama administration. Don’t blame Wall Street, don’t blame the big banks, if you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself!”

I don't have the facts to back this up, but Herman Cain is an asshole. I don't know much about any black walnuts, but he's certainly fuckin' nuts. 

So if I have this straight, the protests are a conspiracy by Obama to anger the very people with the money to actually fund his re-election campaign, but it is not a conspiracy that the only people actually doing okay in this broke, collapsing country are the handful of ultra-rich Wall Street titans currently being protested?

Of course, it must be the fault of the poor people! Damn poor people! Why can't they just get jobs like normal people, or at least a certain awesome Black Walnut?

Oh, right probably because the Occupy Wall Street protesters have already destroyed all the jobs! Just ask New York Mayor and billionaire everyman Michael Bloomberg.

"What they're trying to do is take the jobs away from people working in this city," the mayor declared in his harshest criticism of the three-week-old protest. "They're trying to take away the tax base we have because none of this is good for tourism."

So there you have it folks. Billionaire Mayor Says Wall Street Protesters Want To Destroy Jobs.

Which is kind of awkward. Guess nobody told him Jobs is already dead!

[image via Daily Kos]

Some Things Never Change: Like Eric Cantor Being A Smug, Greedy, Li'l Bastard Everybody Hates

And the winner of the screw you, sniveling weasel, economy be damned, willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead, shameless, narcissistic, prick award goes to....

"I want what I want when I want it." 

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor's high school yearbook quote.

Apparently, Eric Ivan Cantor wanted the same thing he wants now: to whine incessantly and ruin everything for everyone. Which is probably what helped make him as popular then as he is now!

Hmmm. All that smug entitlement and childlike petulance reminds me of someone else...

"But Daddy I want an Oompa Loompa now!" — Veruca Salt

Gooses, geeses, I want a goose that lays golden eggs for Easter. What a coincidence! Just like Eric.

Losers, Geezers, I want a douche who lays goose eggs for Speaker.

Guess everyone gets what they want.

Well, except an economy!

Eric Cantor: Putting The Can't In Helping Tornado Victims Or Anyone Not Named Eric Cantor

House majority leader and sniveling greed monster Eric Cantor (Republican-Hell) never met a natural disaster victim he didn't feel complete indifference towards or emergency relief budget he didn't want to slash into tiny bits and pieces, sort of like the town of Joplin, Missouri where raging tornadoes and violent storms killed at least 122 people, reduced buildings to dust and decimated much of the city. Just like God intended!

Good thing young gun Eric Cantor knows the government can't just go around helping desperate, suffering people every time some crazy F-5 tornado strikes some small town or another in the middle of the country, killing scores of men, women, and children, and will do all he can to stop police, firefighters, and emergency medical workers from pulling victims out from under rubble because saving lives costs money. Precious money that Uncle Sam simply does NOT have, probably because it's already all gone to oil subsidies and paying Cantor's Very Important Congress Person's hefty salary and primo benefits.

Priorities, people!

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor said Monday that if Congress passes an emergency spending bill to help Missouri’s tornado victims, the extra money will have to be cut from somewhere else.

But which Socialist government program the Republicans hate (all of them?) should get de-funded first?

Let's see, does it include the words defense and/or security and involve authorizing hundreds of billions of dollars to fight bloody wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and anywhere else there are endless supplies of Muslims, oil pipelines, and misplaced 9/11 hysteria? Because, so long as it is not providing medical care for the 9/11 emergency workers or helping the victim's families or anything wasteful and unnecessary like that, rest assured, it's a helluva lot safer than some hapless tornado victim schlub in Joplin.

Which is more than can be said for Eric Cantor's reelection chances.

Besides, everyone knows, them Joplin folks will just waste all that money on food and shelter anyway.

Perhaps a better idea would be to just drop a house on him instead.

President Obama Unveils 2012 Budget, Which Republicans Vow To Fund Using Glenn Beck's Gold -Plated Coins, Pixie Dust, & Rosary Beads

President Barack Obama is positively hellbent on "Winning the Future" and in his crazy, radical, hippie-dippie, elitist, Socialist, Muslim, Terrorist world, that entails doing crazy, radical things like making sure America's kids are educated enough to read, write, and at the very least, spell their offensive, racist protest signs properly, and demanding that U.S. multinational conglomerates occasionally pay a few dollars of tax so Uncle Sam doesn't have to cut programs that help the very poorest and most vulnerable do things like buy food and pay their heating bills so they don't starve or freeze to death this winter.

Well, this does not sit very well with congressional Republicans who are less concerned with pathetic olds and poors, and more concerned with something called the deficit, all $3.7 trillion dollars of it!

Good thing then that President Obama's 2012 budget proposal cuts the federal deficit by $1.1 trillion over the next 10 years, courtesy of a sensible combination of spending cuts and ending lucrative tax breaks for Billionaires who don't need it, so they will invest in remodeling their own deluxe marble his & her bathroom to help the nation get back on budgetary track.

"Cutting spending is important, but we can't sacrifice our future in the process," Obama said. "We have a responsibility to invest in those areas that will have a big impact."

How else will we be able to smart bomb Muslims with pin-point precision and state-of-the-art stealth?

"Education is an essential part so that every American is equipped to compete with any worker, anywhere in the world," Obama said. "Engineering and math, critical thinking, problem solving, these are the kinds of subjects and skills our children need."

Nonsense! Those are wacky, liberal skills only arugula-eating elitists with hoity-toity things like jobs need.

But still, a trillion dollars! Poof! Cut! In only a decade! Which, for Republicans, is the equivalent of amazing, mind-blowingly wild, NSA sex with Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition supermodels in a WWF-size ring filled with the sweat & tears of children and luxurious warmth of petroleum oil.

So what does all of this even mean? It means that Eric Cantor does not approve, that's what!

According to The Hill:

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, R-Va., called Obama’s proposal a missed opportunity to address the nation’s fiscal problems.
“We need a government that finally does what every other American has to do in their households and their businesses, and that’s to live within our means,” Cantor said in a statement. “Instead, President Obama’s budget doubles down on the bad habits of the past four years by calling for more taxes, spending and borrowing of money that we simply do not have.”

Amen, Young Gun Eric! Finally someone understands the way things work in the real world, known as Republican magic happy land.

The wondrous place where kids are taught to read, write, and 'rithmetic not by teachers in the classroom, but by building stealth fighter jets, bunker busters, and massive oil rigs under the supervision of military generals in cramped Chinese factories. Where old, crumbling roads, bridges, and buildings are fixed by praying to Jesus Christ, and bloated budgets are balanced by Ronnie Reagan's Economic Law of stealing from the poor and giving to the rich so they can keep laundering all their profits through the Cayman Islands or Switzerland, for freedom. Where America is once again restored to its former greatness, and able to trickle its Glorious Exceptionalism down on the world below by something even more miraculous than Glenn Beck's magical VapoRub droplets, John Boehners glowing, orange tears, or Eric Cantor's smugly ambitious, albeit suspiciously saline-free, crocodile ones.

Like say the Republicans' inexplicable ability to stave off extinction and serve in Congress instead.

Eric Cantor & GOP Productions Present The Official Freshmen Survival Guide Warning Dumb, New Republicans Not To Pull Usual Dumb, Old Tricks

Between hours of boring lectures on the floor by day and secret orgies with orange Boehners by night, Congress can be a very scary place!

Good thing the #2 ranked House Republican, but #1 most caring member, Rep. Eric Cantor of Virginia, is looking out for his fellow incoming Grand Old Party members still enjoying Freshman orientation to make sure they don't do anything dumb and stupid to fuck up everything for everyone, before he and the rest of the Grand Old Patriots even get a chance to do that themselves.

It's called "Hit the Ground Running," and tucked into Eric Cantor's Official Freshmen Guide is 144 pages of helpful hints and tips for the new kids on how to avoid your basic missteps, mishaps, Minneapolis airport men's rooms, DC Madam prostitution rings, screw-ups, or even so much as the appearance of fuck-uppery in the eyes of lecherous librul reporters. (Ooops, looks like at least one frosh clearly forgot to read his Official Freshmen Guide in time).

In the introduction, Cantor writes, “A new member’s first term is critically important, especially for those whom have just won with a narrow margin. This manual is designed to get you on the right track right off the bat and will help you avoid common early mistakes and pitfalls.” (Here's lookin' at you Mr. Newly elected Rep. Andy "I Hate ObamaCare, Now Give Me My Free Gubmint Health Care" Harris.)

Examples of the wisest words of wisdom:

• "Read and re-read the U.S. Constitution." (Apparently, it is all the rage these days! Those Teabag people will simply not shut up about it!)
• "Don't be afraid to say, 'No.'" (Umm, duh! It's 'Yes" that should make you run screaming for your legislative life).
• "Don't try to learn everything on day one." (Haha, don't be silly, Eric! They've never learned anything in one day, let alone everything there is to know about bein' a lawmaker in one fell swoop).

But, okay! We got it! Err, wait, we're supposed to say, "no," right? Unless that's one of those things we're not supposed to learn on day one. Ugh, make up your darn mind already, Cantor!

Another “Insider Tip” states, “It is not uncommon these days for members to be quizzed on the Constitution at town halls and other constituent meetings. The more constitutional knowledge that you obtain, the better.”

So, umm a word to the wise, don't go pulling a Christine O'Donnell now, capisce?

Don't hire commies, spies, or anyone not a perfect, beautiful Republican:

The manual also stresses that hiring members of the GOP is vital: "Hire Republicans: Loyalty Matters and it will be extremely difficult to engender loyalty if staffers are not committed to your philosophy. A non-Republican is likely to be unhappy working for you."

Wait the Republicans have an actual philosophy?? Other than be white, rich, and believe in the power of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ to stop that terrible, no-good, secret Muslim terrorist Socialist Barack Hussein Obama. It's like they always say, if it ain't rich white and male, it's time to let that baby sail!

Oh, and also watch out for the lamestream media lurking in the shadows with questions ready and cameras rolling. Same goes for those smart alec bloggers always lookin' to start trouble for innocent lawmakers, particularly Grand Old Patriotic ones who get caught doing the very terrible, Godless things they're always ranting about.

“Certain members of the media will be looking to ‘ambush’ unsuspecting freshmen as they walk to the Capitol to vote. A way to avoid dealing with members of the press: go underground when heading to the House floor for votes. If it’s a contentious issue and you don’t wish to be interviewed, then take the tunnel.”

So many rules, so many traps! The life of a congressman sure can be perilous!

“Be cognizant that you are often on TV when on the House floor. Checking of e-mails on your BlackBerry can often wind up in the press,” one 'Insider Tip' states.

"Always assume you're on camera when you are in the Chamber. Even if you are simply looking at your cell phone, you might appear to be asleep. It's happened to other members." (Advice from Rep. Gregg Harper, R-Miss.)

And take it from Cantor, you can end up looking like a real douchebag if you're not careful.

Ethics is touched on throughout the book: “It is important to keep in mind that even if you haven’t violated any rules, the appearance of impropriety can be just as damaging. So always be certain that everything you do as a member is — and appears to be — above board,” the manual states.

But really more the "appears to be" part.

“If you don’t want to see an activity or event reported on the front page of the local newspaper, don’t do it.” 

That goes for beating up your wife, mistress, or even the prostitute you picked up on the corner. Also, sex acts involving diapers and/or soliciting cops in airport bathrooms are strongly discouraged.

On “Being an Effective Floor Member,” the manual recommends that members know the answer to two important questions before casting a vote on the House floor: “Be prepared for two eventual questions every time you cast your vote on the House floor: did you read the bill, and is it constitutional?”

Obviously, since it is Republicans we're talking about, the answer should be "no," and "hell no," respectively.

Under legislative goals, the House GOP leadership urges caution: “If your legislation creates a new program, or increases spending, stop and ask yourself [if] it’s worth borrowing 40 cents of every dollar spent.”

Only for war, my friends, only for war. Well, that and undercover sex orgies, gay or otherwise.

Isn't college congress great?

Aside From Filthy Jews, Who Wouldn't Vote For Ohio's New "Young Gun" Republican Candidate & Weekend Nazi Impersonator, Rich Iott?

All Heil Führer Rich Iott, second from left, in Fine Nazi SS Waffen Form!

The one thing really missing from this year's bumper crop of insane Republican/Teabagger candidates, trying desperately to become part of the big bad gubmint they're always shrieking about, is of course, a good, old-fashioned, Tea-approved, Grand Old Party nominee, personally selected as one of lone Jewish Republican Eric Cantor's rising stars or "Young Guns" as he likes to call 'em, who also enjoys dressing up like an actual Nazi Waffen SS soldier and playing fun Axis Invasion Games in the woods around his native Ohio in his spare time.

Not anymore, my friends, not anymore! The Nazi drought is officially over! Meet your newest, favoritest, wingnuttiest Teabagging make-believe Nazi candidate, and future congressman (in Lederhosen!), the honorable Rich Iott from Ohio. A real charmer!

And like most other middle-aged Christian white men who spend their weekends donning combat boots, polishing their swastikas, and reenacting actual military scenes of various high-ranking Nazi divisions, Rich Iott's innocent dabbling in harmless Nazi fun is simply because he loves history, that's all! The lovable ol' history buff just can't get enough of it!

Iott, whose district lies in Northwest Ohio, was involved with a group that calls itself Wiking, whose members are devoted to re-enacting the exploits of an actual Nazi division, the 5th SS Panzer Division Wiking.

When contacted by The Atlantic, Iott confirmed his involvement with the group over a number of years, but said his interest in Nazi Germany was historical and he does not subscribe to the tenets of Nazism. "No, absolutely not," he said. "In fact, there's a disclaimer on the [Wiking] website. And you'll find that on almost any reenactment website. It's purely historical interest in World War II."

Whatever you say, Hitler. We totally understand!

Iott, a member of the Ohio Military Reserve, added, "I've always been fascinated by the fact that here was a relatively small country that from a strictly military point of view accomplished incredible things. I mean, they took over most of Europe and Russia, and it really took the combined effort of the free world to defeat them. From a purely historical military point of view, that's incredible."

It is incredible isn't it?? I mean just imagine what the fearless, heroic Nazis could have accomplished if those n'er do well Allies had kept their pesky, free-world noses to their own Jew-loving selves, and out of important German business!

How can you not marvel at all the amazing things a country can do when fueled by the brutal slave labor of annexed foes and the calculated, militarized mass murder of the European continent's entire Jewish population??

I, for one, am tempted to lace up my knee high, patent leather combat boots, polish my SS insignia, magic marker on my own adorable, signature Hitler 'stash, throw on my mint condition, authentic Reichsführer-SS armband, and start huntin' Jews myself, right now, out of sheer admiration for the Nazi's go-getter attitude, incomparable passion, and tactical military brilliance!

But for some gay reason, not everyone is as excited that the congressional candidate they endorsed moonlights as one of Hitler's notorious Nazi SS henchman every weekend in the woods of suburban Ohio.

Which is odd because I always thought Republicans loved when their hand-picked, up 'n coming Representatives wax poetic about Nazis, Hitler, the mass extermination of Jews, etc, but I guess that's only acceptable when referring to President Obama. Apparently, all other Nazi affiliations are a big NEIN, NEIN!

Who woulda thunk it?

It only took one day for Eric Cantor to enact his own Final Solution and scrub this rising star Nazi candidate from his awe-inspiring "Young Guns" group of 40-and 50-something GOP creeps and freaks hand-chosen by Heir Cantor to be the sexy, new face of the Republican Party.

Until last night, the GOP included the candidate, Rich Iott, on a list of promising potential members called Contenders — a notch below their so-called Young Guns. Now he’s gone, without a trace.
You can get away with a lot in conservative politics these days, but it turns out spending your weekends dressed as a Nazi, celebrating the brave Waffen 5th SS Panzer Division is still a bridge too far.

Ugh, typical elitists! Running scared just because their personally groomed, hand-selected Republican candidate happens to a have a secret li'l habit of dressing up like his favoritest Führer every Friday-Sunday.

"I think that Representative Cantor did what so many career politicians do," Rich Iott said. "He reacted before he had all the facts. He didn't know the whole story. He didn't understand what historical reenacting is all about, or the education side of it. And he just made a decision without all the facts. My opponent here is cut out of the same cloth. Those are the people who passed the health care bill before they knew what was in it. The same folks who passed the stimulus bill..."

Poor, poor Nazi dress-up candidate! How could meany Eric Cantor disown him without even knowing the education value of his weekend blitzkrieg activities?? You would expect that kind of behavior from a lame, stimulus & health care-supporting Democrat, but from a fellow Republican?? For shame!

Though, I guess he should've expected this from Cantor, what with him being a terrible Jew and all!

Of course, Iott says he does not recall exactly when he joined the Wiking group (his name appears on a unit roster as far back as 2003), but did so with his son "as a father-son bonding thing."

Ah yes, nothing says togetherness like some relaxing, enjoyable quality time playing Nazi with the fam!

He says his name and pictures were removed from the Wiking website not out of concern that they would harm his political career, but because he quit the group three years ago, after his son lost interest. Iott participated in the group under his own name, and also under the alias "Reinhard Pferdmann," which has also been removed, and which Iott described as being his German alter ego.

"Part of the reenactor's [experience]," Iott said, "is is the living-history part, of really trying to get into the persona of the time period. In many, not just in our unit, but in many units what individuals do is create this person largely based on a Germanized version of their name, and a history kind of based around your own real experiences. 'Reinhard' of course is 'Richard' in German. And 'Pferdmann,' 'pferd' is a horse. So it's literally 'horse man.'"

Oh goody! We feel soooooo much better now that we know all about Mr. Horse Man
Reinhard Pferdmann Rich Iott's true, purely educational intentions.

"The purpose of historical reenacting is not to glorify war, necessarily, or the sides," he said. "It's to educate people. To learn about what happened. And to keep those memories alive, so we don't let it happen again."
Iott said "participating in historical reenactments, living history, is a much better way to get the message across" than other forms or education. "It's a great outreach to the public."

So true! I mean we can all talk about 9/11 'til we're blue in the face, but wouldn't it make more sense to just become one of those 9/11 enthusiasts who simply like to dress up as radical Jihadists (I hear they do a great Mohamed Atta!) and fly commercial jetliners into replica Twin Towers to get a real up close 'n personal sense of the thrill that comes with the sudden, explosive, fiery death of 3,000 Americans in the name of Allah??

It seems so obvious!

Asked if he regretted dressing up as a Nazi, now that he's running for Congress, Iott said: "What I regret is that we're wasting the time talking about this issue, when we should be talking about the real issues that are facing the country today."

What do you think, solving the Jewish Problem is something that happens overnight?? It took Hitler years (decades in fact!), and even he couldn't kill all the Jews everywhere, so what do you expect Horse Man over here to do?

He's a freakin' Nazi impersonator from bumblef**k, Ohio, not a magically mustached miracle worker from Vienna, for Christ's sake!

But, give the man horse some time! Call it a hunch, but something tells me Reinhard Pferdmann Rich Iott is going places!

Other than the Juden & Allied infested woods of his own sycamore and SS filled suburban Ohio backyard!

“It’s a tragedy that we don’t want to forget,” Iott said. "It did indeed happen. We can't sweep it under the rug."

Of course not! There would be nowhere to put the Jews then, silly!

New Poll Shows Majority Of Republicans As Crazy As Their Leaders!

As Obama Derangement Syndrome--the disease where otherwise normal people are transformed into rabid, Hitler-waving lunatics who harass and throw crumpled dollar bills at defenseless old men with Parkinsons all because a semi-black man occupies the White House--continues to infect Teabaggers, the entire Republican Party, and other unstable nutjobs posing as patriots, a disturbing new Harris poll shows just how deep this deranged Republican rabbit hole goes.

And judging by the recent spate of violence and vandalism targeting Democratic lawmakers in the wake of Americans actually getting health insurance that doesn't try to either off them or profit off them, a return to even partial sanity doesn't seem likely any time soon.

Let's take a look at some of the polls more 'enlightened' findings shall we?

• 67% of Republicans (40% of Americans overall) believe that Obama is a Socialist
• 57% of Republicans (32% overall) believe that Obama is a Muslim
• 45% of Republicans (25% overall) agree with the Birthers in their belief that Obama was "not born in the United States and so is not eligible to be president"
• 38% of Republicans (20% overall) say that Obama is "doing many of the things that Hitler did"
• Scariest of all, 24% of Republicans (14% overall) say that Obama "may be the Antichrist."

Yes, America look around you. Chances are if you have six Republican friends (God help you), four of them likely believe Barack Obama, not Karl Marx, penned The Communist Manifesto, at least three of them think Obama is an illegal, Kenyan-born secret Muslim terrorist who hijacked the presidency, two or more believe that our 44th president and the worst mass murderer in the history of mankind, Adolf Hitler, are kindred spirits, and at least one is certain that Barry is the Devil incarnate.

With scholarly geniuses like these running around, and legally able to cast a vote, is it really any surprise that weasely human disgraces like Eric Cantor are still in power?

You remember Eric, don't you? The caring GOP Representative from good, ol' Virginia who is very upset about the Democrats being very upset about crazed gangs of Teabaggers attacking the homes and offices of Democratic lawmakers, strewing coffins on their lawns, rupturing gas lines at their homes, sending various pictures of nooses, expletive-filled death threats and wishes of terminal illness to their offices, and all the other totally normal behavior you'd expect from grown adults who don't want everyone, especially dumb poor people, to have health care and must naturally resort to violence as a result.

Which is why, unlike the crybaby Democrats who loooooooove using the vicious threats against them as "media vehicles for political gain," sending press releases and holding press conferences to address said attacks simply to score some "political points," not because they fear for their lives by a bunch of gun-totin' former Klansmen, Eric Cantor would never use a press conference as a cheap political stunt. Never!

He would only use something as sacred as a press conference to pretend something terrible happened to him too, like say, a bullet through his office window, to show how a real red-blooded American freedom fighter acts when trying to curry public favor for political gain.

Time to buck up, Democrats! Stop complaining about your lives being threatened and your property being destroyed, ya big babies!

Be a man like Eric Cantor and hold honorable press conferences blaming the lame victims for "inciting" the violent attacks against them, not the courageous, patriotic perpetrators of the bloodshed and violence.

You didn't hear Eric the Brave complain when Barack HITLER Obama facilitated the cold-blooded, methodical slaughter of 6 million of his fellow Jewish brethren, now did you?

No, you didn't. That's because real men don't cry. They cry wolf.

GOP Grudgingly Agrees To Not Obstruct For One Whole Televised Hour

Boohoo, boohoo!

The sweet, cooperative, sincere Republican leaders, trying their very hardest to help bring jobs and health care reform to the poor, suffering insurance companies American people, just can't catch a break from that Bully Barry and his unruly gang of bloodthirsty Demoncrats. Meanies!

Every time they come thisclose to grinding President Obama's terrible, socialist agenda to a halt and ruining everything for everyone (who isn't white, rich, or insane), that deviant Kenyan man has to go and propose some sensible, sound solution, like a Bipartisan Health Care Summit, where the GOP can voice their biggest gripes, deepest secrets, darkest fears, and wildest fantasies, live on national teevee!

All the Republicans have to do is show up, which is clearly just another outrageous demand from the out-of-control madman we call president.

Can you believe the nerve of this guy? Asking the Republicans to simply show up for an opportunity to help craft some of the most important policy legislation in decades. Who does this jerk think he is, the President or something?

Good thing the Republicans care so much about the American people, they're willing to put petty politics aside and do whatever it takes to help the country!

All Obama has to do in return is scrap nearly a year of contentious legislative wrangling that produced two bills, which passed both chambers of Congress (albeit with no GOP support), and start over completely from scratch. Then, maybe, just maybe the Republicans will consider attending Mr. Hopey Changey's little bipartisan health care summit.

"If the starting point for this meeting is the job-killing bills the American people have already soundly rejected, Republicans would rightly be reluctant to participate," House Minority Leader John Boehner and Minority Whip Eric Cantor wrote in a letter to the White House.

"'Bipartisanship' is not writing proposals of your own behind closed doors, then unveiling them and demanding Republican support."

Damn right it's not! Bipartisanship is letting the Republicans dictate a new bill, word-for-word, or you and those 50 million uninsured Americans can go screw yourselves, NObama!

But selfish Mr. Big Shot Obama apparently won't just abandon all the hard work that's already been done just to appease a few, unhappy congressional campers who won't be pleased until ObamaCare joins Teddy Kennedy six feet under, where it belongs.

"Obama's been very clear about his support for the House and Senate bills because of what they achieve for the American people: putting a stop to insurance company abuses, extending coverage to millions of hardworking Americans, getting control of rising premiums and out-of-pocket costs, and reducing the deficit," White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs explained.

"The President looks forward to reviewing Republican proposals that meet the goals he laid out at the beginning of this process, and as recently as the State of the Union Address. He's open to including any good ideas that stand up to objective scrutiny."

"What he will not do, however, is walk away from reform and the millions of American families and small business counting on it. The recent news that a major insurer plans to raise premiums for some customers by as much as 39 percent is a stark reminder of the consequences of doing nothing."

Grandma dies and Republicans win?

Luckily, the GOP has been such good sports and reasonable, agreeable participants through the whole reform process.

"We don't make a habit out of turning down invitations from the President regardless of the merit of the exercise," one senior GOP aide said. "Although we're not excited about filming an infomercial for the President's new 'bipartisan' PR campaign."

Aww, c'mon! Not even if we throw in a li'l cameo as the courageous defenders of the poor, long-suffering insurance execs and Wall Street fat cats being persecuted under Comrade Barry's terrifying reign as a ruthless thug trying to help average Americans have more choices than death or bankruptcy, whatever the chapter?

And if all goes well, Obama can then offer Republicans their precious tort reform (so doctors and hospitals can stop being victimized by greedy patients whose litigation crusades hurt almost as much the botched surgery they seek compensation for), asking only that some of them vote for it in return. And then, when they still say "no," the American people will realize the truth...

The Democrats can do everything and still not get anything done. While Republicans can do absolutely nothing, and still, somehow accomplish everything.

Exactly the way a healthy democracy is supposed to work!

Since When Is The Extermination Of Jews Not An Effective Argument Against Health Care?

After countless Obama equals Hitler signs, various Nazi references, and numerous, hilarious jokes about NObama's coming health care reform Holocaust, Jewish groups and the rest of the population with functioning brains have finally sounded the alarms about the disturbing proliferation of swastikas and anti-Semitic banners, signs, and slogans every time the teabaggers rally together to praise freedom and shout obscenities at that Kenyan man.

And to think, all it took to get the Jews riled up was a poster showing piles of Jewish corpses with the caption National Socialist Health Care: Dachau, Germany--1945.

All class, those teabaggers!

After Thursday's Bachmann-led "Super Bowl of Freedom," David A. Harris, President of the National Jewish Democratic Council issued this statement:

"Today's G.O.P. "Tea Party" on Capitol Hill opposing health insurance reform invoked disgusting Holocaust imagery and outright anti-Semitism. Top Republican Party leaders including House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), House Republican Whip Eric Cantor (R-VA), and House Republican Conference Chairman Mike Pence (R-IN) stood before a crowd that included a banner protesting health care reform and displaying corpses from the Holocaust. Yet another sign charged that Obama takes his orders from the Rothchilds. Such vile invocations of Nazi and Holocaust rhetoric have been condemned in recent weeks by rabbinic movements, the Interfaith Alliance, and the American Gathering of Jewish Holocaust Survivors and their Descendants."

Not surprisingly, Republican leaders have been somewhat less vocal on the matter, finding no problem whatsoever with teabaggers throwing Nazi comparisons all over the place or showing dead Jews at Dachau to warn Americans of the fate they'll suffer under ObamaCare.

It only took Rep. Eric Cantor's (R-VA), the only Jewish Republican in Congress, over three months to finally utter a peep about GOP hero Rush Limbaugh's innocent claim that "Adolf Hitler, like Barack Obama, also ruled by dictate."

But at least this GOP leader grew the balls to stand up and say large, graphic photographs of slaughtered Jews may be "inappropriate" and that since you asked, no, he doesn't "condone the mention of Hitler in any discussion about politics because obviously that is something that conjures up images that frankly are not, I think, very helpful."

But do you know what is helpful? A half assed response some 12 weeks after the incident occurred when no one even remembers what the hell he's referring to anyway. But whatever. A real mensch, that minority whip!

Then there's former Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO) who thinks it makes perfect sense for tea partiers to show posters of Nazi concentration camp victims as a way to link health care reform to Nazism.

"You bet" it's appropriate, Tancredo said, arguing that because protesters during the Bush administration used photos of a decapitated president, everything is fair game.

"It's all ugly," he said. But he does agree with unnaturally orange-hued House Minority Leader John Boehner that health care is the biggest threat the country has ever seen.

"It is in fact socialism," Tancredo said. "It is a true, very scary threat."

He couldn't, however, answer when MSNBC anchor David Shuster asked if Medicare and the Veterans Administration, both single payer programs, pose a similar threat.

In fact, Tancredo was so offended by Daily Kos founder Markos Moulitsas for even mentioning that Tancredo avoided military service during the Vietnam War and deferred being drafted after college because he was being treated for depression, that he stormed out of the interview.

"I'm a veteran," Moulitsas said after Tancredo claimed veterans would prefer vouchers over VA care. "I did not get a deferment because I was too depressed to fight in the war I supported in Vietnam."

"That's a cheap rotten stupid thing to say," Tancredo said, adding that it sounded just like something a certain Third Reich leader with a cute mustache would say.

If he wasn't too busy reforming health care, that is.

And The Runners-Up For The Republican Innapropriate Behavior Contest Are...

In all the excitement over Joe Wilson's tremendous feat of making himself and his dear party look like a bunch of mindless heathens during the president's speech to America, it is easy to forget the efforts of fellow conservative stars and statesmen Lindesy Graham and Eric Cantor who earned distinguished honors of their own for less vocal, but no less significant personal protests against the evil Obama Empire.

First, we have fellow South Carolina gentleman Lindsey Graham who almost made the horrible mistake of breaking with his GOP masters by actually clapping for the stupid public option. While President Obama is making a pretty uncontroversial point about how private and public universities coexist, Graham puts his hands together as if to clap before luckily seeing that none of his GOP colleagues are applauding and quickly playing it off as an impromptu hand rub. Phew! Slick one, Linds!

No wanting to show any disrespect, Twitter machine Eric Cantor vowed to steer clear of the tweets and actually listen to what that bastard Obama had to say about health care. Which he totally did by furiously typing away on his Crackberry throughout the President's entire address to Congress instead. Keepin' it classy per usual.

Don't worry because even with the whole Joe "My Emotions Got The Best Of Me" Wilson brouhaha, the efforts of Graham and Cantor did not go unnoticed, and both will be receiving well-earned medals honoring their respective accomplishments in the "Who's Paying Attention the Least Competition." The biggest a**hole award was obviously already taken. There's always next year gentlemen!