Between hours of boring lectures on the floor by day and secret orgies with orange Boehners by night, Congress can be a very scary place!
Good thing the #2 ranked House Republican, but #1 most caring member, Rep. Eric Cantor of Virginia, is looking out for his fellow incoming Grand Old Party members still enjoying Freshman orientation to make sure they don't do anything dumb and stupid to fuck up everything for everyone, before he and the rest of the Grand Old Patriots even get a chance to do that themselves.
It's called "Hit the Ground Running," and tucked into Eric Cantor's Official Freshmen Guide is 144 pages of helpful hints and tips for the new kids on how to avoid your basic missteps, mishaps, Minneapolis airport men's rooms, DC Madam prostitution rings, screw-ups, or even so much as the appearance of fuck-uppery in the eyes of lecherous librul reporters. (Ooops, looks like at least one frosh clearly forgot to read his Official Freshmen Guide in time).
In the introduction, Cantor writes, “A new member’s first term is critically important, especially for those whom have just won with a narrow margin. This manual is designed to get you on the right track right off the bat and will help you avoid common early mistakes and pitfalls.” (Here's lookin' at you Mr. Newly elected Rep. Andy "I Hate ObamaCare, Now Give Me My Free Gubmint Health Care" Harris.)Examples of the wisest words of wisdom:
• "Read and re-read the U.S. Constitution." (Apparently, it is all the rage these days! Those Teabag people will simply not shut up about it!)But, okay! We got it! Err, wait, we're supposed to say, "no," right? Unless that's one of those things we're not supposed to learn on day one. Ugh, make up your darn mind already, Cantor!
• "Don't be afraid to say, 'No.'" (Umm, duh! It's 'Yes" that should make you run screaming for your legislative life).
• "Don't try to learn everything on day one." (Haha, don't be silly, Eric! They've never learned anything in one day, let alone everything there is to know about bein' a lawmaker in one fell swoop).
Another “Insider Tip” states, “It is not uncommon these days for members to be quizzed on the Constitution at town halls and other constituent meetings. The more constitutional knowledge that you obtain, the better.”So, umm a word to the wise, don't go pulling a Christine O'Donnell now, capisce?
Don't hire commies, spies, or anyone not a perfect, beautiful Republican:
The manual also stresses that hiring members of the GOP is vital: "Hire Republicans: Loyalty Matters and it will be extremely difficult to engender loyalty if staffers are not committed to your philosophy. A non-Republican is likely to be unhappy working for you."Wait the Republicans have an actual philosophy?? Other than be white, rich, and believe in the power of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ to stop that terrible, no-good, secret Muslim terrorist Socialist Barack Hussein Obama. It's like they always say, if it ain't rich white and male, it's time to let that baby sail!
Oh, and also watch out for the lamestream media lurking in the shadows with questions ready and cameras rolling. Same goes for those smart alec bloggers always lookin' to start trouble for innocent lawmakers, particularly Grand Old Patriotic ones who get caught doing the very terrible, Godless things they're always ranting about.
“Certain members of the media will be looking to ‘ambush’ unsuspecting freshmen as they walk to the Capitol to vote. A way to avoid dealing with members of the press: go underground when heading to the House floor for votes. If it’s a contentious issue and you don’t wish to be interviewed, then take the tunnel.”So many rules, so many traps! The life of a congressman sure can be perilous!
“Be cognizant that you are often on TV when on the House floor. Checking of e-mails on your BlackBerry can often wind up in the press,” one 'Insider Tip' states.And take it from Cantor, you can end up looking like a real douchebag if you're not careful.
"Always assume you're on camera when you are in the Chamber. Even if you are simply looking at your cell phone, you might appear to be asleep. It's happened to other members." (Advice from Rep. Gregg Harper, R-Miss.)
Ethics is touched on throughout the book: “It is important to keep in mind that even if you haven’t violated any rules, the appearance of impropriety can be just as damaging. So always be certain that everything you do as a member is — and appears to be — above board,” the manual states.But really more the "appears to be" part.
“If you don’t want to see an activity or event reported on the front page of the local newspaper, don’t do it.”That goes for beating up your wife, mistress, or even the prostitute you picked up on the corner. Also, sex acts involving diapers and/or soliciting cops in airport bathrooms are strongly discouraged.
On “Being an Effective Floor Member,” the manual recommends that members know the answer to two important questions before casting a vote on the House floor: “Be prepared for two eventual questions every time you cast your vote on the House floor: did you read the bill, and is it constitutional?”Obviously, since it is Republicans we're talking about, the answer should be "no," and "hell no," respectively.
Under legislative goals, the House GOP leadership urges caution: “If your legislation creates a new program, or increases spending, stop and ask yourself [if] it’s worth borrowing 40 cents of every dollar spent.”Only for war, my friends, only for war. Well, that and undercover sex orgies, gay or otherwise.