Bummer Bones Barack EMObama's Sorry He's Not A Dumb White Republican Who Bankrupts America & Bombs Everyone Else

Long-faced loser President Barack EMObama moped around the White House yesterday, making his obligatory big post-election press conference about how bad it feels to get shellacked, before putting on his old Bulls sweatsuit, plopping on the West Wing couch and stuffing his face with arugula chips and Ben & Jerry's for the next two years because clearly America will not be satisfied until a gubmint-hating Teabagger who moonlights as an SS officer in their spare time, occupies the Oval Office.

Because the Republicans gaining control of the House of Representatives (and 1/6th of government overall) in in your standard midterm election shuffle is less a result of the massive wave of enthusiastic, over-caffeinated Teabaggers flooding polling places in every bumblef**k town in Real America and more a national referendum on America's collective hatred of that awful NOBama and his terrible, no good Socialist policies  helping kids with leukemia get actual health care, not suddenly dropped from coverage by the nice insurance companies who figure they might as well save a few bucks since the hapless kid's probably gonna die anyway.

President Obama, appearing somber and reflective after what he described as a "shellacking" at the polls Tuesday night, acknowledged that, "People are frustrated. They're deeply frustrated with the pace of our economic recovery and the opportunities that they hope for their children and their grandchildren. They want jobs to come back faster."

So wave your magic wand and make it all better already, wouldya Barry!

When asked about GOP plans to work for repeal of his health-care legislation, even bummed out emo Obama cautioned that "we'd be misreading the election if we thought that the American people want to see us for the next two years relitigate arguments that we had over the last two years."

But he said he would be "happy to consider" slight modifications to  the legislation and listen to "good ideas wherever they come from."

Jesus??

No, silly! The Republican Pledge To America, duh! There, you will learn all about the wonderful world where talking points and powerpoints serve as the preferred substitute for, say, a real budget, without annoying, silly things like details and solutions.

For example:
- Help small businesses
- Make economy better
- Reagan
- Profit
Economy all better!

Health care reform? Hapuff, that's easy! "Tort Reform" aka "No More Malpractice Lawsuits." There, health care fixed, easy peasy. Now, we can move on to important matters like which dumb Muslim country to bomb next!

Still, Obama acknowledged that it would not be easy to reach agreement on contentious issues, and  "without any Republican support on anything, it's going to be hard to get things done."

But certainly a hell of a lot easier for the Dems to get unceremoniously tossed out of power, just like the Republicans always dreamed it would be!

However, sad, defeated President Obama said that he is "very eager to sit down with members of both parties and figure out how we can move forward together," adding that, "I'm not suggesting this will be easy. I won't pretend that we'll be able to bridge every difference or solve every disagreement."

Ugh, failure!

Obama nevertheless said he believes "there is hope for civility." And he urged elected officials to remember "that our first allegiance as citizens is not to party or a region or a faction, but to country. Because while we may be proud Democrats or proud Republicans, we are prouder to be Americans."

Speak for yourself, Hussein!

"As I reflect on what's happened over the last two years, one of the things that I think has not been managed by me as well as it needed to be was finding the right balance in making sure that businesses have rules of the road and are treating customers fairly . . . but also making absolutely clear that the only way America succeeds is if businesses are succeeding."

Forget the way of the Tao, it's the way of the Dow in these parts, Barry!

But Obama did seem to take comfort in the fact that history is on his side,  reflecting that presidents Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton experienced similar midterm defeats.

"You know, this is something that I think every president needs to go through, because...the responsibilities of this office are so enormous and so many people are depending on what we do, and in the rush of activity sometimes we lose track of...the ways that we connected with folks that got us here in the first place," Obama said. "Now, I'm not recommending for every future president that they take a shellacking like I did last night. You know, I'm sure there're easier ways to learn these lessons."

Become white and conservative?

“The relationship that I’ve had with the American people is one that built slowly, peaked at this incredible high, and then during the course of the last two years, as we’ve together gone through some very difficult times, has gotten rockier and tougher,” Obama said.

Whoa, whoa, OMG, is Obama breaking up with America? So hard to tell with those damn emos!

Although, he said he was sure that this relationship would "have some more ups and downs" during the rest of his presidency.

Phew!! But seriously cheer up, young president Barry! Economies improve eventually. It Gets Better.

Didn't the Mama Grizzlies teach you anything? Man up, B!!

Screw the nice guy routine, it's time to get tough!

Luckily, one liberal commenter took the liberty of writing a new, slightly less somber, slightly more smackdown post-election script for the president:

"Look, you ignorant, Fox News-watching rednecks....I have heard your illogical cries to 'cut government spending' and will do just that — starting immediately.
"I'm implementing a 20 percent cut to ALL federal programs, starting with the three federal programs that consume the majority of our tax dollars: Medicare/Medicaid, Social Security and Defense.
"Don't whine to me about how you 'need' your government-subsidized Medicare or Medicaid...you want cuts to government spending; you'll get cuts to government spending.
"Don't bitch about how you can't afford to have your Social Security check cut. You've made it clear that federal budget cuts are your priority.
"And just in case you think we need MORE defense spending, let me fill you in — the US military budget is larger than the military budgets of China, Britain, France, Russia, Germany, Japan, Saudia Arabia, Italy, South Korea, Brazil, Canada, and Australia combined.
"YOU may want to piss our tax dollars away in unwinnable wars, but since you've demanded cuts to federal spending, I'll be lopping 20 percent off the the defense budget.
"In short, fuck you brain-dead idiots. Ask for cuts to federal spending and you'll get cuts to federal spending. Please direct any whining to the Republicans you voted into office, because I'm done with you inbred asshole teabaggers."

Man pants on, Barry out! Word.