OMG America, did you hear the awesome, exciting, Earth-shattering news?? Sarah Louise Palin, the Sarah Louise Palin of the Snowy North, is "seriously considering" running for President of the world in 2012!?
Oh, and no need to wish her luck either because SarBear is simply positive she'll have no trouble beating that no-good Barack NObama has-been come election time. Mama Grizzly to the rescue!
We know this, of course, because sweet Sarah took a five minute break from her pre-scripted, faux reality teevee existence shrieking 'bout freedom while kayaking with feral Grizzly bears on a melting Alaskan ice glacier to go on a different teevee show, just so she could let Barbara Walters and the whole wide world know how, in in the deep, dark vast frozen Arctic nothingness that is her mind, she is confident she can unseat Barack Obama (from his throne) and return America to its glory days of war, bankruptcy and dumb white presidents with half a brain who suspiciously mispronounce alarmingly simple words.
Is Sarah Palin qualified to be president? Ummm, well, no, not really at all, except in the sense that she is technically, a human being born in the "United States," since the abandoned frozen meth lab known as her hometown Wasilla is still apparently part of America.
What Sarah is qualified to do, however, is appear on as many teevee shows, gossip blogs, Fox News programs, newspapers, and lamestream media outlets as is physically possible for an unemployed grifter with no actual skills to speak of except the unique ability to irritate just about everyone with a working pulse to cram into a single day.
Like Barbara Walters for instance:
"I'm looking at the lay of the land now, and ... trying to figure that out, if it's a good thing for the country, for the discourse, for my family, if it's a good thing," Palin said in an interview as part of Walters' "10 Most Fascinating People" of 2010.For what it's worth, she also believes that refudiate is a word and Jesus created the world with a wink, "you betcha!" and single, powerful wave of his magic oil-coated miracle wand.
Asked Walters: "If you ran for president, could you beat Barack Obama?"
"I believe so," Palin said.
It could be that Sarah is simply confusing "running for president" with "starring in some dumb reality teevee show" when she expressed the belief that she, Sarah Louise could defeat Barack Hussein in anything, let alone an actual election, instead of, say, Nielsen sweeps week.
But would sweet Sarah really abandon her simple, snowbilly lifestyle and quit bein' free on her Alaskan teevee show to do something silly and unimportant like run for president? Because everyone knows, quit is not a word S.P. uses on Twitter, Facebook, or anywhere else she conducts her very substantive policy debates in 140 characters or less.
"I’m engaged in the internal deliberations candidly, and having that discussion with my family, because my family is the most important consideration here," Sarah said.
That's right. Sarah's decision to waste everyone's time running for (and losing!) the presidency is one that will be made by her family, the single most importantest thing in the world for her to parade around, exploit, dress in gorilla costume on primetime tv, and make even more moose piles of money off of, like a real American patriot.
But just in case Sarah isn't just spewing whatever nonsense pops into her vapid, petty mind so people will still pay attention to her, and is actually seriously contemplating a White House bid, perhaps we, the public, can help her decide whether her hypothetical candidacy for President is a "good thing" for "the country" (it's not), a good thing for "the discourse" (whatever that means, still, nope though), or a good thing for her "family" (eh, probably not good for them either, but seriously, who even knows what's best for Willow, Bristol and the other weirdly named Palin spawn at this point. Suicide? Exile? Chastity belts?).
All America needs to do to realize why this country needs Sarah Barracuda at its next President is to check out the new pages from her forthcoming memoir/abortion of the written word, America By Heart, leaked by the terrible, elitist arugula eating lamestream media, where Sarah proves her presidential worth by ranting against immoral, "self-esteem-enhanced but talent deprived" reality TV stars not named Bristol, while celebrating former pregnant teenage sluts turned abstinence crusaders named Bristol, and of course, her favoritest thing in the world (other than herself!): not aborting special needs precious li'l miracles named Trig.
But sometimes undeserved fame and fortune can be sooooooo difficult!
"Let's just go back to Wasilla and stop feeding the media beast," Sarah imagines herself saying in her new picture book for patriots. "Let's give ourselves and our family a break."
Noooooooooo! Please, please Sarah! All of America, no, make that the world, is begging you, pleading with you to stay in the Godless Lower 48, so we can have the privilege of marveling at Mama Grizzly Sarah Palin's National Reality Teevee Fantasy Extravaganza in which America is the bestest, most freedom-lovingest, God-blessed nation ever to grace the face of the Earth that can smart-bomb all the gross, dirty Muslims our collective star 'n striped hearts desire.
Because you betcha Sarah will not be silenced!
She will continue goin' on teevee, fightin' for fetuses to get their very own not-at-all bizarre "I'm glad you're here" book dedications from their proud mothers congratulating these soon-to-be-birthed special needs miracles on earning the right to exit their mother's wombs so they too can be exploited for mama's personal and professional gain.
Because if it’s good Television, it’s good for America.
And even Sarah knows you can't spell America without "ME."