The Show May Be Over, But Traitor Joe's Always Open For Business (If That Business Is Screwing Over Democrats)

There is nothing, I repeat, nothing Sen. Joe Lieberman enjoys more than crushing hopes and destroying dreams. Except maybe the occasional chance to kick a whimpering, defenseless puppy down the street or really stick it to Democrats, ya know, the party he joined in 1970 and represented as a vice presidential candidate in 2000, before deciding eh, why not go against everything I've ever stood for my entire life in some desperate, pathetic attempt to remain relevant, and retain my smooth, surprisingly large, perfectly manicured grip on power?

**Sigh** Oh, that Joe!

Well, according to the liberal rag/commie manifesto The New York Times, Benedict Lieberman has been taking meetings with the two main Republican primary challengers: ball bustin' World Wrestling Entertainment executive Linda McMahon who apparently didn't think $50 million was enough to waste on a losing campaign the first time around, and former Rep. Chris Shays, another old, endlessly frustrating New England moderate conservative who also loves beautiful war but at least understands which political party he belongs to. Which is more than we can say for ol' Joe!

On the bright side, at least Democrats don't have to worry that Joe will wake up with an actual conscious and endorse one of them (heavens forbid!), which would be probably be as helpful as a bite from a syphilitic hyena.

In the meantime, some Connecticut Democrats who are eyeing the party's nomination for his seat are not particularly interested in getting Mr. Lieberman's support. They seem wary of associating politically with a man who went from being the Democratic vice-presidential candidate in 2000 to backing Senator John McCain, Republican of Arizona, over Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential race.
Susan Bysiewicz, a former Connecticut secretary of state who is seeking the Democratic nomination for Senate, noted in an interview that Mr. Lieberman was unpopular with rank-and-file Democrats.
"Senator Lieberman's endorsement would not be helpful," she said, adding that she believed he was more closely identified with the Republicans these days.
Representative Christopher S. Murphy, a three-term Democrat who is also running for Mr. Lieberman's seat, said, "I'm not sure his support is relevant."

Hush it Murphy! You fool, you'll ruin everything!  If Lieberman finds out that endorsing a Democrat would be the quickest, most sure-fire way to screw over a Democrat, then that is just what he'll do.

And what more fitting way to bid adieu to our favorite Jewish Benedict Arnold than with a little Broadway ditty?

Go, go, go Joseph you know what they say (you're an asshole?)
Hang on now Joseph you'll make it some day (use those big, firm hands!)
Sha la la Joseph you're doing fine (for a loser pariah no one likes!)
You and your dreamcoat ahead of your time (well, technically it's a turncoat)

Go, go, go Joseph you know what they say (it's actually probably better if you don't)
Hang on now Joseph you'll make it some day (and by "it" we totally mean money!)
Sha la la Joseph you're doing fine (Hadassah still loves you!)
You and your dreamcoat ahead of your time (more like nightmarecoat for everyone else!)

Oh, fuck it, just...

Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

[image via AP]

Oy Vey! Since Weiner's Unkosher, Ultra-Orthodox Jews In New York Help Elect A Different Kind Of Prick: A Republican!

OMG, did you hear the news, America? The mind-blowing, earth-shattering, life-altering, universe-imploding news straight out of Anthony Weiner's pants New York's 9th about Barack Obama being un-elected, thanks to a special election to replace fallen Democratic cocktease, err congressman, and Twitterin' fool, Anthony Weiner with someone a little less circumcised and a little more racist.

Hooray??

You see, a funny thing happened on the way to Kew Gardens. Apparently, instead of just voting to replace Anthony "Cock Shot" Weiner, his entire former NY-9 district got together to cast their 2012 Election votes a good year-plus ahead of time in a referendum on that terrible failure Barack Hussein Obama for everything Republicans hate about him (his skin color?).

Turns out, New York is sick and tired of being a godless, gay, Jew-less, Socialist mecca for no-good terrorist Muslims, which is why NY-09 decided to use this special House race to elect a Republican for the first time since 1922.

That's right, people! The fair citizens from southern Brooklyn to south central Queens (Rego Park, what what!) have chosen 70-year-old Muslim hating maniac and Teabagging delight Bob Turner over 56-year-old (not quite ultra) Orthodox Jew Democrat David Weprin as the new President of New York of America.

Because contrary to what the Jew-run lamestream media would like you to believe, Jewish voters actually hate Obama (just ask Fox News!), which is why the black hat, ultra-orthodox Jews chose Turner, a Catholic, over Weprin, a Jew Obama, a Jew-hater.

But that's not all! It's also because of the gays getting gay-married and Muslims building Muslim-y Mosques all over the once-sacred streets of strip clubs and sex shops in Lower Manhattan.

According to the AP:

Democrats enjoy a 3:1 registration advantage over Republicans in the district, but it’s relatively conservative by New York standards in national contests to make it upset territory, going for President Obama with only 55% of the vote in 2008 with similar numbers for John Kerry in 2004. The district’s unique ethnic makeup — heavily Jewish (especially Orthodox), heavily Irish and Italian, and heavily Asian and Hispanic — and strong local character makes it difficult to declare it representative of the nation of large.

But voter frustration with Obama put Weprin in the unlikely spot of playing defense. Turner, a 70-year-old Catholic, vowed to push back on Obama's policies if elected.

Weprin became embroiled in New York-centric disputes over Israel and gay marriage, which cost him some support among Jewish voters.

Orthodox Jews, who tend to be conservative on social issues, expressed anger over Weprin's vote in the Assembly to legalize gay marriage. And Weprin was challenged on the right of the sponsors of the Park 51 community center, a proposed Islamic center and mosque near the World Trade Center site, to locate their project in Lower Manhattan.

So congratulations to Bob Turner, the new representative of your crazy, racist, homophobic, Jewish aunt with five cats, 500 square feet of prime studio space, and zero tolerance for gross gays, even grosser Muslims, and of course, the grossest of all, charming, chocolate-colored presidents.

Mazel Tov to Bubby! You've successfully traded a Weiner for a dick!

Tough Guy Rahm Emanuel Kicked Off Chicago Mayoral Ballot By F**king Appellate Court; Unlike Jay Cutler, Rahmbo Refuses To Go Down Without A Fight!

OMG Chicago, did you hear da awful, terrible, no-good news??

No, no, not that Bears QB Jay Cutler might have torn his MCL along with the entire state of Illinois' heart out of its chest before pouting cold and alone on the sidelines in Sunday's painful loss to the hated, rival Green Bay Packers.

The other no-good, terrible Earth shattering news!! That front-runner and almost-certain-to-be-next-eternal-Mayor-of-Chicago Rahm Emanuel has been ruled ineligible to run by an appellate court because he did not meet residency requirements, in that he did not, umm, actually, reside in their fair city while poking naked men in the shower as Barack Obama's White House chief of staff in Washington.

The friggin' bastards!

Reversing a decision by the Chicago Board of Election Commissioners, which had unanimously agreed that Emanuel was eligible to run for mayor, the appellate panel, by a 2-1 ruling, said Emanuel does not meet the residency requirement of having lived in Chicago for a year prior to the election.

"We conclude that the candidate neither meets the Municipal Code's requirement that he have 'resided in' Chicago for the year preceding the election in which he seeks to participate nor falls within any exception to the requirement," the majority judges wrote.

"Accordingly, we disagree with the Board's conclusion that he is eligible to run for the office of Mayor of the City of Chicago. We reverse the circuit court's judgment confirming the Board's decision, set aside the Board's decision and ... order that the candidate's name be excluded (or, if necessary, removed) from the ballot."

To which Rahm promptly ordered the head of each judge immediately be excluded, or, if necessary, removed from their body, and be placed atop the two spires of the Sears, err, Willis Tower, or whatever terrible company purchased the right to have its God-awful name slapped on now, instead.

Rahm Emanuel, who had previously won rulings by the election board and Cook County Circuit Court, will likely take his case all the way to the Illinois Supreme Court, where there will hopefully be enough Daleys or Obamas stacked on it to get this decision overturned and get Rahm back to sending dead fish through the mail, insulting Sarah Palin-owned Retarded People™, and spending money no one has as the new, foulmouthed mayor of Chicago, where he belongs.

Emanuel remained confident that the Supreme Court would rule in his favor.

"As I've said from the beginning, I was just elected to congress two years ago," Emanuel said. "I own a home here, I vote from here, I pay taxes here. The Board of Elections agreed with that. Joseph Morris agreed with that, and Judge Ballard agreed with that."

"I have no doubt we will prevail in this matter," Emanuel said. "It's just one turn in the road."

"When the president of the United States asks you to serve your country, you do that."

C'mon, an entire year and a half serving as White House chief of staff and you're really going to believe Obama didn't teach him how to fake his place of birth?

What are you f**kin' retarded or something?

Besides, what the hell else is Rahm gonna do? I mean, it's not like there's a big, high-profile administration anywhere that likes to keep a full stock of outspoken, fiery Chicago Democratic political personalities or anything!

Hmmm, on second thought, how's Rahm's throwing arm? He's already got the asshole who knows ballet part down. Plus, something tells me a North Side native with four fingers, tough-as-nails attitude, never-say-die mentality, and warrior's heart is better than a disingenuous Denver import with full digits, boatloads of talent, a rocket arm, Type I diabetes, two chins, a bad attitude, undeserved sense of entitlement, inflated sense of himself, and an empty cavity on his left side where a four-chambered pumping organ of muscle and connective tissue used to be.

Most people call it a heart. Rahm Emanuel calls it breakfast.

Unemployed Strategist Meghan McCain Wants To Use Her Big Breasts, Err, Brain To Help Republicans "Kick Obama's Ass" In 2012

OMG, alert the press! Alleged political pundit, "Dirty Sexy Politics" author, and racy boob Twitpic extraordinaire Meghan McCain is currently available as a "strategist" for the 2012 elections, just in case any Republicans would like some help losing their various presidential bids.

But act fast because this dynamo political mind, which went a whopping 1-for-5 in election night predictions (Christine O'Donnell, really??), won't last long!

“I made some predictions. I am now zero and four… I’m actually a pretty good blackjack player, but I made, I was like, ‘Meg Whitman’s gonna win, Sharron Angle all the way! And Meg Whitman, yeah!”

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, yeah!! Or in blackjack terms, I'm pretty much what you'd call a total bust, yeah! Woohoo! Perhaps I should just stick with sending out Twitter pics of my massive, bountiful breasts, yeah!

Word on the street is everyone who's anyone is already clamoring to snag Meggy's brilliant, one-of-a-kind political mind, and solicit her savvy services...Just ask Meghan!

From Politico:

Speaking at the Miami Book Fair International to promote her book, "Dirty Sexy Politics," the daughter of Sen. John McCain expressed an interest in working as a Republican "strategist."
"I've already had people interested in me working, which is unbelievably flattering," McCain said. "I want to go out and do it all over again with somebody else — I want to go get a Republican elected. I want to kick Obama's ass the next election and get a Republican elected."

OMG, totes! Meghan will help you "kick Obama's ass," just like she did in 2008!

Or better yet, why doesn't adorable li'l Meggy just run for president herself? Sure, the lame-o Constitution "says" you need to be 35, but maybe that old senile eternal Senator from Arizona (what's his name again?) can do something about that, like pull some strings or start hacking on the senate floor to get her some sort of exemption?

After all, Meghan said she is willing to "do anything I can" (except umm, get an actual job, obviously, but she will flash her tatas all over Twitter, free of charge!) to score a win for the GOP in 2012.

Maybe that means she's ready to pursue a career in blackjack instead of humiliating herself trying to figure out this whole politics thing. Who knows?

What Meghan does know, however, is that Obama "has done little to nothing with his administration."

HAHAHAHAHA, the dumb loser!

He doesn't even need a rich, famous daddy with lots of political connections to help him get nothing accomplished!

Sarah Palin Is Confident She Can Beat Barack Obama; Good Thing Sarah Palin's Reality Only Exists On TV

OMG America, did you hear the awesome, exciting, Earth-shattering news?? Sarah Louise Palin, the Sarah Louise Palin of the Snowy North, is "seriously considering" running for President of the world in 2012!?

WOOHOO!!!

Oh, and no need to wish her luck either because SarBear is simply positive she'll have no trouble beating that no-good Barack NObama has-been come election time. Mama Grizzly to the rescue!

We know this, of course, because sweet Sarah took a five minute break from her pre-scripted, faux reality teevee existence shrieking 'bout freedom while kayaking with feral Grizzly bears on a melting Alaskan ice glacier to go on a different teevee show, just so she could let Barbara Walters and the whole wide world know how, in in the deep, dark vast frozen Arctic nothingness that is her mind, she is confident she can unseat Barack Obama (from his throne) and return America to its glory days of war, bankruptcy and dumb white presidents with half a brain who suspiciously mispronounce alarmingly simple words.

Is Sarah Palin qualified to be president? Ummm, well, no, not really at all, except in the sense that she is technically, a human being born in the "United States," since the abandoned frozen meth lab known as her hometown Wasilla is still apparently part of America.

What Sarah is qualified to do, however, is appear on as many teevee shows, gossip blogs, Fox News programs, newspapers, and lamestream media outlets as is physically possible for an unemployed grifter with no actual skills to speak of except the unique ability to irritate just about everyone with a working pulse to cram into a single day.

Like Barbara Walters for instance:

"I'm looking at the lay of the land now, and ... trying to figure that out, if it's a good thing for the country, for the discourse, for my family, if it's a good thing," Palin said in an interview as part of Walters' "10 Most Fascinating People" of 2010.
Asked Walters: "If you ran for president, could you beat Barack Obama?"
"I believe so," Palin said.

For what it's worth, she also believes that refudiate is a word and Jesus created the world with a wink, "you betcha!" and single, powerful wave of his magic oil-coated miracle wand.

It could be that Sarah is simply confusing "running for president" with "starring in some dumb reality teevee show" when she expressed the belief that she, Sarah Louise could defeat Barack Hussein in anything, let alone an actual election, instead of, say, Nielsen sweeps week.

But would sweet Sarah really abandon her simple, snowbilly lifestyle and quit bein' free on her Alaskan teevee show to do something silly and unimportant like run for president? Because everyone knows, quit is not a word S.P. uses on Twitter, Facebook, or anywhere else she conducts her very substantive policy debates in 140 characters or less.

"I’m engaged in the internal deliberations candidly, and having that discussion with my family, because my family is the most important consideration here," Sarah said.

That's right. Sarah's decision to waste everyone's time running for (and losing!) the presidency is one that will be made by her family, the single most importantest thing in the world for her to parade around, exploit, dress in gorilla costume on primetime tv, and make even more moose piles of money off of, like a real American patriot.

But just in case Sarah isn't just spewing whatever nonsense pops into her vapid, petty mind so people will still pay attention to her, and is actually seriously contemplating a White House bid, perhaps we, the public, can help her decide whether her hypothetical candidacy for President is a "good thing" for "the country" (it's not), a good thing for "the discourse" (whatever that means, still, nope though), or a good thing for her "family" (eh, probably not good for them either, but seriously, who even knows what's best for Willow, Bristol and the other weirdly named Palin spawn at this point. Suicide? Exile? Chastity belts?).

All America needs to do to realize why this country needs Sarah Barracuda at its next President is to check out the new pages from her forthcoming memoir/abortion of the written word, America By Heart, leaked by the terrible, elitist arugula eating lamestream media, where Sarah proves her presidential worth by ranting against immoral, "self-esteem-enhanced but talent deprived" reality TV stars not named Bristol, while celebrating  former pregnant teenage sluts turned abstinence crusaders named Bristol, and of course, her favoritest thing in the world (other than herself!): not aborting special needs precious li'l miracles named Trig.

But sometimes undeserved fame and fortune can be sooooooo difficult!

"Let's just go back to Wasilla and stop feeding the media beast," Sarah imagines herself saying in her new picture book for patriots. "Let's give ourselves and our family a break."

Noooooooooo! Please, please Sarah! All of America, no, make that the world, is begging you, pleading with you to stay in the Godless Lower 48, so we can have the privilege of marveling at Mama Grizzly Sarah Palin's National Reality Teevee Fantasy Extravaganza in which America is the bestest, most freedom-lovingest, God-blessed nation ever to grace the face of the Earth that can smart-bomb all the gross, dirty Muslims our collective star 'n striped hearts desire.

Because you betcha Sarah will not be silenced!

She will continue goin' on teevee, fightin' for fetuses to get their very own not-at-all bizarre "I'm glad you're here" book dedications from their proud mothers congratulating these soon-to-be-birthed special needs miracles on earning the right to exit their mother's wombs so they too can be exploited for mama's personal and professional gain.

Because if it’s good Television, it’s good for America.

And even Sarah knows you can't spell America without "ME."

GOP Rep. Spencer Bachus Finds Out The Hard Way What Happens When Silly Swamp Rats Make Mama Grizzly Mad, Very Mad!

The world's widely beloved Arctic snow drifter, the most perfect specimen since Jesus Christ Himself, Sarah Louise Palin, lent her ingenuity and grace to this year's Senate elections, endorsing several choice candidates, many of whom were spectacularly defeated, most by embarrassingly wide margins.

In several instances, Sarah's unwelcome and idiotic intrusion into the electoral landscape cost the GOP once-perfectly safe races, like backing meatball gobbling anti-masturbation witch Christine O'Donnell simply because SarBear saw a reflection of her own vapid self in the empty eyes of a similarly ditzy Delaware never-was. Or say, endorsing a lightly bearded Alaskan lumberjack, Joe Miller, with a harmless habit of arresting every no-good journylist pokin' their noses every which way, askin' too many questions, all because of her petty, longstanding grudge against fellow Alaskan Lisa Murkowski for having the audacity to also be a popular Republican with female lady parts from the frozen middle of nowhere.

Of course, one would only dare mention these wonderful facts if they had nothing to do with the Republican Party, or its special needs outreach program for obese Caucasians on Socialist Medicare scooters, the Tea Party.

Too bad Louisiana GOP Congressman Rep. Spencer Bachus didn't get the memo, because he made the grave mistake of saying what everyone with a functioning brain already knew: that Sarah Palin's Mama Grizzly campaign circus act doomed the Republicans' chances of winning both chambers of Congress by costing the Party easy victories like the one Mike Castle was supposed to cruise to in Delaware, before being unceremoniously knocked out by the Barracuda's bewitching, Bobbsey Twin on a broomstick, Christine O' (is for Orgasm-free) Donnell.

"The Senate would be Republican today except for states in which Palin endorsed candidates like Christine O'Donnell in Delaware," Bachus said. "Sarah Palin cost us control of the Senate."

And much like any dumb, pathetic sadsack who dare cross St. Sarah before him, Spencer Bachus quickly realized that unless he wanted his political career to follow the same trajectory as Sarah Palin's credibility or Bristol Palin's virginity (or wake up with a bloody severed horse head in his bed), he would be well served to get on his knees and grovel, begging her Arctic highness for forgiveness.

Questioned by the Associated Press Tuesday following his anti-Palin comments, a spokesperson for Bachus, Tim Johnson, downplayed the remark, saying it had been taken out of context...Johnson added that Rep. Bachus was “extremely complimentary” of both Palin and the Tea Party.

Out of context? What, was he actually talking about an alternate dimension? Like maybe the Sarah-controlled social networking land of cyberspace??

Oh, oops my bad! He must've been talking 'bout Pandora again, the crazy bastard!

But be careful, Bachus! Unless you want Snowbilly Sarah to send Joe Miller to handcuff you to a radiator while Rand Paul stomps on your head and Christine casts one of her signature spells (stupidity? meatballs? sexual frustration?) on your unsuspecting, gagged & bound, bashed in Bachus, err, Tuchus. Whatever, you get the gist.

Or in SarahSpeak, "an offer you can't refudiate!"

What America Needs Now Is A Smug Quitter Like Evan Bayh Who Doesn't Know How To Say Bye-Bye Lecturing Democrats How To Become Rightwing Republicans

What America needs now, more than anything (jobs even!) is a smug, smarmy, sleazeball sellout like former Sen. Evan Bayh writing a guest op-ed in the elitist liberal rag, The New York Times to lecture his fellow Democrats about why they too must become a conservative party of far right wingnuts if they ever hope to be awesome winners, like him, ever again.

Hooray!

Because it is always delightful to be patronized and condescended by someone who, after collecting $10 million in campaign cash for an election in which he would likely cruise to victory, decided eh, on second thought, Congress has gotten a little too meany for my tastes, so I think I'll just retire instead. And while I'm at it, of course, keep the 10 mil in cold hard campaign cash 'cause why would I want some dumb fellow Democrat to win my seat when I could leave it to former lobbyist Republican Dan Coats instead?

You see, Evan Bayh is from the old school, a kinder, gentler time when things weren't so bitterly partisan and fat, anonymous slobs in robes and slippers didn't rudely criticize the dignity of United States Senators on their weblogs.

And, as you can imagine, Gentleman Bayh doesn't much care for this new breed of congressional rancor. So instead of say, maybe staying in the Senate to actually try to change things from the inside — oh I don't know by tweaking archaic filibuster rules, reforming campaign finance, enacting laws prohibiting no-good bloggers from saying terrible meany things about elected officials — Bayh decided he could be waaaaay more effective quitting and complaining all the time.

So please, Evan, enlighten the rest of us brainless dolts about what went wrong for Democrats in the elections.

Many of our problems were foreseeable. A public unhappy about the economy will take it out on the party in power, even if the problems began under previous management. What’s more, when one party controls everything — the House, the Senate, the White House — disgruntled voters have only one target for their ire. And the president’s party almost always loses seats in midterm elections.

Ok, good to know at least one part can be blamed on history instead of the no-good yellow belly Democrats for once.

And we were too deferential to our most zealous supporters. During election season, Congress sought to placate those on the extreme left and motivate the base - but that meant that our final efforts before the election focused on trying to allow gays in the military, change our immigration system and repeal the George W. Bush-era tax cuts. These are legitimate issues but unlikely to resonate with moderate swing voters in a season of economic discontent.

OMG totes! Except for that one, not-at-all significant, tiny little detail that the Dems didn't work that hard on any of those (hence why none actually passed), despite all three being broadly supported by independent voters.

I mean, why should Democrats care about silly, unimportant things like equality, justice, sensible economic policies, or pushing through widely popular initiatives broad majorities of Americans support, such as repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell (75 percent), passing the Immigration/DREAM Act (70 percent), and letting the Bush tax cuts for the richest Americans expire (59 percent) when they could just spend all their time focusing solely on business and Wall Street?

Hmmm, in retrospect, I suppose it would have been prudent to address the economic discontent during the campaign season in a way that appeals to moderate swing voters and gets lots of attention, perhaps by introducing the "Best Bill In The World To Instantly Fix The Economy & Make Everything All Better." Then, surely the "extreme left" and magnificent moderates Bayh's always orgasming about would fully support its signing.

First, we have more than a communications problem — the public heard us but disagreed with our approach. Democrats need not reassess our goals for America, but we need to seriously rethink how to reach them.

Give em the ol' Eric Massa reach around?

Second, don’t blame the voters. They aren’t stupid or addled by fear. They are skeptical about government efficacy, worried about the deficit and angry that Democrats placed other priorities above their main concern: economic growth.

Oh so that's what all those semi-literate, misspelled "NObamar is Hitler" signs are all about! Silly me, why didn't I realize that? Makes such perfect sense!

So, in the near term, every policy must be viewed through a single prism: does it help the economy grow?

Followed immediately by the second most important question, does this help the rich get richer??

A good place to start would be tax reform. Get rates down to make American businesses globally competitive. Reward savings and investment. Simplify the code to reduce compliance costs and broaden the base. In 1986, this approach attracted bipartisan support and fostered growth.

Hear that Democrats? You wanna be winners? Then start acting a little less like liberal losers and a little more like strapping Grand Old Patriots who are always right, pure, and good, and can do no wrong.

The stereotype of Democrats as wild-eyed spenders and taxers has been resurrected. To regain our political footing, we must prove to moderates that Democrats can make tough choices. Democrats should ban earmarks until the budget is balanced. The amount saved would be modest - but with ordinary Americans sacrificing so much, the symbolic power of politicians cutting their own perks is huge.
Democrats should support a freeze on federal hiring and pay increases. Government isn't a privileged class and cannot be immune to the times.

Aww, hell yeah! The only privileged class that should be immune to the times are the few, the proud, the millionaires like Evan Bayh and the rest of his Grand Old Profiteers in the highest income bracket.

Because everyone ('cept the dumb, easily duped public?) knows the vast majority of Americans and swing voters in general will never hear about, much less feel, either of these things. Nor will symbolic tactical moves like "cutting the deficit" save the Democrats, put food on the table, or help Junior get a job.

But, umm, nice try??

Then again, they don't call 'em the Grand Old Pretenders for nothing.

So thank you Evan Bayh for sharing your sage wisdom on how to advance legislative solutions by cowardly quitting your actual position of power when things got tough, and also teaching Democrats all sorts of delightful tricks like how to become the strong, successful party everyone respects by championing policies that benefit the rich and appease conservatives while moving the country towards some sort of mythical magical happy land "center."

In other words, how to become the new, old Republican Party!

Bummer Bones Barack EMObama's Sorry He's Not A Dumb White Republican Who Bankrupts America & Bombs Everyone Else

Long-faced loser President Barack EMObama moped around the White House yesterday, making his obligatory big post-election press conference about how bad it feels to get shellacked, before putting on his old Bulls sweatsuit, plopping on the West Wing couch and stuffing his face with arugula chips and Ben & Jerry's for the next two years because clearly America will not be satisfied until a gubmint-hating Teabagger who moonlights as an SS officer in their spare time, occupies the Oval Office.

Because the Republicans gaining control of the House of Representatives (and 1/6th of government overall) in in your standard midterm election shuffle is less a result of the massive wave of enthusiastic, over-caffeinated Teabaggers flooding polling places in every bumblef**k town in Real America and more a national referendum on America's collective hatred of that awful NOBama and his terrible, no good Socialist policies  helping kids with leukemia get actual health care, not suddenly dropped from coverage by the nice insurance companies who figure they might as well save a few bucks since the hapless kid's probably gonna die anyway.

President Obama, appearing somber and reflective after what he described as a "shellacking" at the polls Tuesday night, acknowledged that, "People are frustrated. They're deeply frustrated with the pace of our economic recovery and the opportunities that they hope for their children and their grandchildren. They want jobs to come back faster."

So wave your magic wand and make it all better already, wouldya Barry!

When asked about GOP plans to work for repeal of his health-care legislation, even bummed out emo Obama cautioned that "we'd be misreading the election if we thought that the American people want to see us for the next two years relitigate arguments that we had over the last two years."

But he said he would be "happy to consider" slight modifications to  the legislation and listen to "good ideas wherever they come from."

Jesus??

No, silly! The Republican Pledge To America, duh! There, you will learn all about the wonderful world where talking points and powerpoints serve as the preferred substitute for, say, a real budget, without annoying, silly things like details and solutions.

For example:
- Help small businesses
- Make economy better
- Reagan
- Profit
Economy all better!

Health care reform? Hapuff, that's easy! "Tort Reform" aka "No More Malpractice Lawsuits." There, health care fixed, easy peasy. Now, we can move on to important matters like which dumb Muslim country to bomb next!

Still, Obama acknowledged that it would not be easy to reach agreement on contentious issues, and  "without any Republican support on anything, it's going to be hard to get things done."

But certainly a hell of a lot easier for the Dems to get unceremoniously tossed out of power, just like the Republicans always dreamed it would be!

However, sad, defeated President Obama said that he is "very eager to sit down with members of both parties and figure out how we can move forward together," adding that, "I'm not suggesting this will be easy. I won't pretend that we'll be able to bridge every difference or solve every disagreement."

Ugh, failure!

Obama nevertheless said he believes "there is hope for civility." And he urged elected officials to remember "that our first allegiance as citizens is not to party or a region or a faction, but to country. Because while we may be proud Democrats or proud Republicans, we are prouder to be Americans."

Speak for yourself, Hussein!

"As I reflect on what's happened over the last two years, one of the things that I think has not been managed by me as well as it needed to be was finding the right balance in making sure that businesses have rules of the road and are treating customers fairly . . . but also making absolutely clear that the only way America succeeds is if businesses are succeeding."

Forget the way of the Tao, it's the way of the Dow in these parts, Barry!

But Obama did seem to take comfort in the fact that history is on his side,  reflecting that presidents Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton experienced similar midterm defeats.

"You know, this is something that I think every president needs to go through, because...the responsibilities of this office are so enormous and so many people are depending on what we do, and in the rush of activity sometimes we lose track of...the ways that we connected with folks that got us here in the first place," Obama said. "Now, I'm not recommending for every future president that they take a shellacking like I did last night. You know, I'm sure there're easier ways to learn these lessons."

Become white and conservative?

“The relationship that I’ve had with the American people is one that built slowly, peaked at this incredible high, and then during the course of the last two years, as we’ve together gone through some very difficult times, has gotten rockier and tougher,” Obama said.

Whoa, whoa, OMG, is Obama breaking up with America? So hard to tell with those damn emos!

Although, he said he was sure that this relationship would "have some more ups and downs" during the rest of his presidency.

Phew!! But seriously cheer up, young president Barry! Economies improve eventually. It Gets Better.

Didn't the Mama Grizzlies teach you anything? Man up, B!!

Screw the nice guy routine, it's time to get tough!

Luckily, one liberal commenter took the liberty of writing a new, slightly less somber, slightly more smackdown post-election script for the president:

"Look, you ignorant, Fox News-watching rednecks....I have heard your illogical cries to 'cut government spending' and will do just that — starting immediately.
"I'm implementing a 20 percent cut to ALL federal programs, starting with the three federal programs that consume the majority of our tax dollars: Medicare/Medicaid, Social Security and Defense.
"Don't whine to me about how you 'need' your government-subsidized Medicare or Medicaid...you want cuts to government spending; you'll get cuts to government spending.
"Don't bitch about how you can't afford to have your Social Security check cut. You've made it clear that federal budget cuts are your priority.
"And just in case you think we need MORE defense spending, let me fill you in — the US military budget is larger than the military budgets of China, Britain, France, Russia, Germany, Japan, Saudia Arabia, Italy, South Korea, Brazil, Canada, and Australia combined.
"YOU may want to piss our tax dollars away in unwinnable wars, but since you've demanded cuts to federal spending, I'll be lopping 20 percent off the the defense budget.
"In short, fuck you brain-dead idiots. Ask for cuts to federal spending and you'll get cuts to federal spending. Please direct any whining to the Republicans you voted into office, because I'm done with you inbred asshole teabaggers."

Man pants on, Barry out! Word.

Christine O'Donnell's Lack Of Knowledge On Anything Besides Masturbation & Meatballs Raises Questions About Her Ability To Function At All, Let Alone As Delaware's Actual Senator

Much like her past experience dabbling in witchcraft, crusading against the sin of self-pleasure, and pallin' around with Ronald McDonald 'n friends, Christine O'Donnell remained true to form while debating Democratic rival, and exasperated, smart guy foil, Chris Coons in their native Delaware, talking 'bout the need to teach creationism in school so America's children can have the necessary math and science skills to get jobs in the burgeoning Jesus is Magic industry.

But then old, bald man Coons went and dropped a bomb on the Wicked Witch of the East, Christine, saying creationism does not belong in public schools because of something called the Constitution, or whatever, which much to Christine's dismay, is not the same thing as the complete pocket-sized Wiccan handbook. Oopsies!

Well, Christine would like to know exactly “where in the Constitution is the separation of church and state?” How's that for gotcha journalism!?

When Coons responded that the First Amendment bars Congress from making laws respecting the establishment of religion, O’Donnell interrupted to say, "The First Amendment does? ... So you're telling me that the separation of church and state, the phrase 'separation of church and state,' is in the First Amendment?"

Her comments, in a debate aired on radio station WDEL, generated a buzz in the audience.
“You actually audibly heard the crowd gasp,” Widener University political scientist Wesley Leckrone said after the debate, adding that it "raised questions about O’Donnell’s grasp of the Constitution."

Consider if you will, for a second, good sir, that those questions had already been both raised and answered. Perhaps we, the voters, have moved beyond the whole question-raising stage and into the actual "OMG, panic, this insane woman is really trying to be a senator" phase, no?

As if everyone was feeling just dandy about O'Donnell before this latest incident "raising" questions about Christine's capacity to do anything, except spend most of the 90s showcasing bad hairdos and pissing off various A, B, but mostly C-list celebrities on Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect show, right?

Sure beats the last time Grand High Witch Christine raised not questions, but the recently departed, at a secret Wiccan ceremony in the back of an abandoned church lot on the outskirts of Wilmington.

Not to take anything away from Democrat Chris Coons, who managed to keep his cool, avoid falling under one of Christine's enchanting spells (think it's called stupidity), and offer clear, coherent responses on a variety of different constitutional questions. Nonetheless, it does help when your opponent knows less than the wooden table you're seated around.

And, unlike that non-masturbating trainwreck, Coons can, in fact, recite much of the Constitution by memory, which can be helpful when debating things other than, say who is frighteningly less qualified, SarBear or her Meatball-gobbling wiccan protege of the Arugula-eating East, Christine "No Hands" O'Donnell.

Answer: Eenie, meenie, miney, mo...

Anyway, so back to the debate, where Democrat Chris Coons only had to recite the First Amendment to prove that indeed religious freedom is established within it. But, O'Donnell still looked skeptical! In her defense, O'Donnell hadn't even heard of the Constitution (that is what it's called, right?) until just the other day when she was googling remedies for her terrible constipation woes (just awful!) and accidentally spelled it wrong! Guess it must be destiny!

Coons said that creationism, which he considers "a religious doctrine," should not be taught in public schools due to the Constitution's First Amendment. He argued that it explicitly enumerates the separation of church and state.

"The First Amendment does?" O'Donnell asked. "Let me just clarify: You're telling me that the separation of church and state is found in the First Amendment?"
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion," Coons responded, reciting from memory the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.
"That's in the First Amendment...?" O'Donnell responded.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! You’re telling me that’s in the First Amendment? The First Amendment to what? The Constitution? Of the United States of America? Does Jesus know about this?

Cause Christine always thought the darn thing began with the 2nd Amendment, and ended there too! It's all the other "crap" stuffed in between that she has trouble with. Maybe if they didn't make it so darn long, something nice 'n compact like the "Dummies Guide to Modern Witchcraft," we wouldn't be in this little pickle.

Also during the debate, O'Donnell stumbled when asked whether or not she would repeal the 14th, 16th, or 17th Amendments if elected.
"The 17th Amendment I would not repeal," she said, before asking the questioner to define the 14th and 16th amendments, adding: "I'm sorry, I didn't bring my Constitution with me."

Or her brain, for that matter. Luckily, the witch woman still has a few tricks up the ol' sleeve.

For instance, she didn't need to actually attend some hoity-toity elitist librul college like her arugula-eating opponent over here. She can simply pretend her college degree came from a real, accredited university (like Oxford or Yale?) instead of, say, her real framed diploma from the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Clown College currently adorning her office wall.

Blasting her opponent for having the audacity to know that evolution is science, creationism a religious doctrine, and a beautiful angel doesn't die every time you touch that sinful place between your legs, Christine said, "Talk about imposing your beliefs on the local schools. You've just proved how little you know not just about constitutional law but about the theory of evolution."

Ha ha, monkey people!

"Perhaps they didn't teach you Constitutional law at Yale Divinity School."

Aww, snap! Score one for Christine! After all, she is you.

And since she is you, you her, and all of us, no one, everyone, even the Grand High Enchantress Christine herself, knows she is sooooooo not cut out for this whole Senator thing. Whoops!

But, hey, at least she got some good practice blurting out whatever crazy, asinine thing comes to mind (she already had the stupid part down pat!), for the next awesome, new adventure of old Christine (still, no rubbing/touching allowed!), her newest gig as the beautiful, brilliant, and most of all, bewitching Fox News host (of Hooters?), freedom, and sorcery, the world (of witchcraft?) has ever known.

Joe Miller Loves Freedom So Much, He'll Take Away Yours Just For Asking Too Many Meany Questions

If you are a no-good, arugula-eating, non-mammal killing journylist in the Great State of Alaska and maybe wanna ask the actual Republican running for U.S. Senate, Joe 'Grizzly Beard' Miller, a question or two after a town hall meeting at an Anchorage middle school, consider yourself forewarned, my friend!

"We've drawn a line in the sand. You can ask me about background, you can ask me about personal issues -- I'm not going to answer," Miller said.

So there!

"We are calling upon all responsible members of the media (like Fox News?) to focus on the issues, the legitimate issues (Obama's birth origins?) and not repeat basically the lies and innuendos, not repeat the clear violations of law (that I, Joe Miller, committed) but to focus on the issues at hand. Now I'll admit, and I've said this before, I'm a man of flaws (no freakin' way!), there's no question about it. (Hey watch it, mister, we don't say the "Q" word here!) You know, I wasn't born with a silver spoon, I haven't been born wealthy," he said.

Duh! Why else would he and his wife be suffering from the "entitlement mentality" he's always shrieking about, and secretly receiving the very state and federal subsidies and/or low-income medical benefits he's hates so much for his large, strapping family of eight children if he was some rich librul elitist instead of some rich rightwing hypocrite who looks like a homeless person?

Nevermind don't answer that!

Unless, of course, you too want to get handcuffed and detained by the large, similarly hairy, flannel-clad behemoths who comprise Joe's security detail, and keep their beloved, boot-wearing Paul Bunyan-esque Tea Party candidate safe from scary journalists, nosing around about his "personal background," racking up a whole bunch of credit card debt and reneging on student loans at hoity toity elitist librul Ivy League schools like Yale, instead of real 'merican institutions like Wasilla Community College.

The same scruffy faced Ivy League-educated Teabag lawyer and possible Brawny paper towel spokesman, Joe Miller, who defeated washed up, old hag incumbent Lisa Murkowski in the Republican primary, invited a bunch of fellow friends and freedom-lovers on his favoritest Facebook and Twitter to join him at a town hall meeting to debate the issues, before suddenly deciding he doesn't care much for this whole freedom of speech, question' askin' tomfoolery, so kindly scram before Joe gets really angry and goes full-out Todd Palin on your behinds.

That's right, folks! Mama Grizz Sarah Palin and her faithful hubby Todd aren't the only Alaska Republican with slight-to-severe anger & overreaction problems!

Just ask Tony Hopfinger, founder and editor of news website Alaska Dispatch who found himself pinned face-first against a wall, handcuffed, and placed "under arrest" by Joe Miller's roving gang of black-suit wearing security guards protecting their Tea Boss Joe against meany reporters and their probing inquiries of his past misdeeds. Or at least until real police officers showed up and told the guards to release him because as far as they're concerned, it is still legal in Alaska to ask senate candidates questions other than what they ate for brunch last Saturday.

Well Joe Miller certainly doesn't think so! He knows the dirty culprit Tony Hopfinger, editor of the evil Alaska Dispatch Internet website, deserved to be arrested by fake officers of the law/real paid employees of Miller's campaign for committing high treason. In other words, asking a question poor ol' Joe didn't much like. How's that for gotcha journalism?

Tony Hopfinger was handcuffed by [Miller's private security] guards and detained in a hallway at Central Middle School until Anchorage police came and told the guards to release Hopfinger.

Hopfinger, who was holding a small video camera, said he was attempting to draw out a statement from Miller on why he was disciplined by the Fairbanks North Star Borough when Miller worked there as a part-time attorney.

After Miller walked away, Hopfinger said, Miller’s security team pushed him and he pushed back because he felt his personal space was being invaded. He says guards detained him and accused him of trespassing, although the town hall was a public event held at Central Middle School, a public building.

“The Dispatch reporter repeatedly pushed a camera into the face of Mr. Miller,” Miller's security guard William Fulton said. “He continued to aggressively pursue him. I told the reporter several times that he needed to stop and that he was trespassing, he ignored me. He then proceeded to stalk Mr. Miller and even shoved an individual into a locker. Based upon this trespass and his assault, we detained him and escorted him from the premises.”

You go, Joe!

Of course a simple “no comment” usually does the trick, but not for figthin' Joe Miller, who apparently much prefers to handcuff and faux arrest citizens instead. It's waaaaay more fun and exciting, albeit potentially embarrassing, though Joe's never seemed to have a problem with that before. He did get endorsed by Sarah Palin, after all!

In a statement on the incident Sunday evening, Miller said Hopfinger appeared irrational, angry and potentially violent. You mean he pulled a Palin??

“While I've gotten used to the blog Alaska Dispatch's assault on me and my family, I never thought that it would lead to a physical assault,” Miller said. “It's too bad that this blogger would take advantage of a ‘Town Hall’ meeting to create a publicity stunt just two weeks before the election.”

Yes, how dare this insidious blogger take advantage of an all-inclusive Town Hall meeting to create a publicity stunt about how this one psycho Teabagger for Senate (no one ever heard of before two months ago) refuses to answer any press questions about his weirdo personal or professional background, but will not hesitate to arrest any dumb sad sack media schlub who speaks such blasphemy just two weeks before the election!?

When will this rude, nosy, no-life blogger learn it is not the place of journalists to ask their little-known political candidates to disclose the truth about the various quasi-legal undertakings of their shady past, like say back in 2008 when they were not-at-all-sketchily fired from their part time job as city attorney for Fairbanks North Star Borough for inappropriately using government property to unseat the state GOP party chairman?? I mean, ugh, the nerve!

This is not what good upstanding Joe Miller citizens do! Sure, feel free to ask the man what his favorite color is (umm, white?), his preferred caliber hunting rifle (.338 Winchester Magnum, 24" barrel, 2-6x scope), or even his favoritest blend of delicious, refreshing herbal Tea (anything but black!). These are all well and good and Joe would be more than happy to answer each 'n every one of 'em. 

When will the stupid lamestream media get it through their thick skulls that Joe Miller does not want nor will tolerate being treated like an an actual candidate for U.S. Senate who has to answer questions about not just their past, but their present, future, and all other relevant information relating to their 43 years of existence on Earth?

Does his flannel shirt, lumberjack beard, and long, sketchy history of debt-ridden scandals and abuses of power not tell you everything you need to know??

For Christ's sake, the man enjoys his hotcakes thick, fluffy, stacked sky high, and drenched in sweet syrup, believes in the power of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ, hates gubmint, loves freedom, (except the annoying press kind), adores Alaska, save for that awful Murkowski lady, and is just like you!

Sans the legal/professional woes, serial killer beard, whole 'living in Alaska' thing, and of course deep gratitude to El Barracuda herself, Sarah Louise Palin, for putting a no-name hothead who loves federal benefits and facial hair but simply can't stand bastard reporters' pryin' questions, on the political map.

But on the bright side, at least Joe Miller's campaign is staying on message: "I am an asshole & you will be arrested."

Now shut your stinkin' trap, mind your own darn business, go vote for Joe, and maybe, just maybe, the wondrous state of Alaska can be big enough for Joe and those who don't enjoy steel cuffs locked around their bruised, swollen wrists by some freaky nobody senate candidate's crazed, overzealous, Gestapo campaign staff.

Isn't freedom the bestest???

Hmmm, what's that you say? "No comment?" Wise choice, pal.

Crazy, Racist Homophobic Tea Monster Carl Paladino Is Sorry For Offending Everyone With A Pulse, Even Freak Gays Or Weirdos Who Don't Enjoy Animal/Human Porn

Notorious New York hell monster Carl Paladino enjoys indulging in a few of life's simpler pleasures: sending mindblowingly offensive, racist emails about Barry NObama (lol, negro president!), hot girl-on-horse porno videos, beating up no-good, prying reporters askin' too many questions (maybe after he's governor, he'll answer your stinkin' questions!), and saying whatever terrible, vulgar, repulsive thing that happens to float into his slightly impaired, small, petty mind now.

Under normal circumstances, crazy ol' Carl would be able to say and do as many horrible things as his sweet li'l heart desires, without having to worry about apologizing to all those offended by his latest email forward of Obama with a bone through his nose eating watermelon or speech telling a bunch of Orthodox Jews how he thinks gross homosexuals are as bad as the terrible Muslims, minus the whole Pride Parade rubbing against each other in tight black speedos thing or whatever.

But now that he isn't just some dumb, queer bashing obnoxious New York schmuck nobody cares about, but the actual Republican gubernatorial candidate schmuck everybody loves to make fun of, Carl seems to be running into the problem of opening his big fat mouth when anyone is listening, let alone 20,000 cameras watching his every move. And when stupidity meets publicity, it is a recipe for disaster of epic Carl Paladino proportions.

An online news outlet in New York state has obtained dozens of emails, many of them racist and sexually graphic, which it reports were sent by Carl Paladino, the Tea-Party-backed Republican candidate for governor of New York, to a long list of political and business associates. One email shows a video of an African tribal dance, entitled “Obama Inauguration Rehearsal,” while another depicts hardcore bestiality.

Too bad it wasn't something more romantic like say softcore bestiality where the horse at least makes out with the woman before banging the bejesus out of her with his huge Paladino Palamino cock.

Because in Carl's bizarro, freaky world, some things are still sacred. Like sex with horses. This is a good and wholesome thing. Sex with people, on the other hand, is bad. Well, actually, sex with people is okay too, but only when it is one man plus one woman who is not your wife that you end up getting pregnant and then keeping the secret love child hidden for ten years. This too is a-okay!
What is not, however, as savory as sluts banging Shetlands, is of course sinful sodomites, particularly those with the disco balls big enough to flaunt their homosinuality up 'n down the once-pure, decent streets of New York City in some sort of terrible, twisted testosterone and testicle tranny parade, unfit for anyone's eyes, least of all, the innocent oculars of one distinguished gentleman, a certain Mr. Carl Paladino. Especially when talkin' to his good pals, them crazy Yids with the braids and the hats who hate fegalas, schvartze, and A-rabs too!

"I didn't march in the Gay Pride parade this year. My opponent did. There is nothing to be proud of in being a dysfunctional homosexual. That's not how God created us, and that's not the example that we should be showing our children - and certainly not in our schools," Paladino said.

"Young children should not be exposed to that at a young age. They don't understand, it's a very difficult thing," said Mr. Paladino. "And exposing them to homosexuality, especially at a gay pride parade - and I don't know if you have ever been to one, but they wear these little Speedos and they grind against each other and it's just a terrible thing."

A terrible, terrible thing I just can't, for the love of God, get out of my head for even one second. Not a single second goes by where I, Carl Paladino, am not obsessing over sweaty gay men laughing, thrusting, and gyrating on each other, muscles and genitalia bulging every which way, whispering Carl, Carl Carl...

Ayyyyyy fuggedaboutit! He's freakin' Carl Paladino, not some pussy faggot like yous freaks.

"I just think my children and your children would be much better off and much more successful getting married and raising a family, and I don't want them brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality is an equally valid and successful option - it isn't."

Soz, I went ahead and got me two families to prove my God-blessed heterosexuality!

But that's not alllllllll!

So long as their money's still green and credit card's plastic, Paladino over here is still more than happy to make a quick buck off the queer freaks as Buffalo's gay club kingpin and personal landlord to all bar-hopping boy-seeking-boy types! He's no bigoted homophobe!

New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino, who doesn't care for those Speedo-wearing gays and their gyrating, actually used to rent space to two gay nightclubs in Buffalo. His son even ran one, Cobalt, Buffalo's onetime "gay club of the moment."

Carl Paladino freakin' loves the gays, got it?

And all those awful anti-gays things he's been saying to Brooklyn Super Jews and former Hooters waitress on Fox News? Well, he didn't mean any of it, really.

Of course he didn't mean "gays were lesser human beings" because they're gross and God hates them or anything, but simply that homosexuality is not an "equally valid and successful option" because of all the discrimination gay people face, especially from vulgar Teabagger pricks desperate to pick up the racist/homophobe/beastiality vote.

He sensitizes with the sick freaks, hell even his own nephew is one of them speedo-wearing, hip grinding deviants, and you don't see Carl marching over to his house, trying to smack some heterosexual sense into the poor bastard!

I am Carl Paladino, a father, a husband, a builder and a business owner. I am neither perfect, nor a career politician. I have made mistakes in this campaign - I have made mistakes all my life- as we all have. I am what I am - a simple man who works hard, trusts others, and loves his family and fears for the future of our State...
My personal beliefs are:
1) I am a live and let live person.
2) I am 100% against discrimination of any group. I oppose discrimination of any kind in housing, credit, insurance benefits or visitation.
3) I am 100% against hate crimes in any form.
4) I am in support of civil agreements and equal rights for all citizens.
5) My position on marriage is based on my personal views. I have the same position on this issue as President Barrack Obama. I have previously stated I would support a referendum by New York voters. I have proposed Initiative and Referendum so New Yorkers can decide important issues like this.
6) The portrayal of me as anti-gay is inconsistent with my lifelong beliefs and actions and my prior history as an father, employer and friend to many in the gay and lesbian community.
I am concerned with the future for all our citizens, gay, straight, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish and Muslim and Agnostic. If elected as your governor I will stand and fight for all gay New Yorkers rights...Please go to my website www.paladinoforthepeople.com to learn more detail about the issues including my staunch support for civil rights for all New Yorkers.

Including the right to view all the horse-on-chick porn your puritan heart desires. So the moral of the story is this: Gays, meet your new best friend and fiercest defender Carl PaladinObama.

Countdown 'til Carl Paladino comes skipping out of the closet in a tight black speedo, stiletto heels, and hot pink boa singing RuPaul's "You Better Work" a cappella, snapping his fingers fiercely across his body and blowing air kisses every which way, 3...2...1...NOW!

Gettin Jiggy Wit It: Big Pimpin' Mark Kirk Won't Let Dem Crazy Coloreds "Jigger" With His Pure, White Senate Election!

Everyone makes mistakes, Mark Kirk just makes a lot of them. Usually, at the absolute worst time possible. Like, say, two weeks before Senate elections, bad timing!

For the most part, Mr. Kirk has managed to keep his lies, distortions, exaggerations, and various f**k-ups out of the prying public eye, save for a few concocted claims about oh, I don't know, winning the Navy’s exclusive Intelligence Officer of the Year award (he didn't!), being a nursery care school teacher (he wasn't!), masquerading as a strapping, heterosexual man (he isn't!), all to stay competitive, locked neck & neck, packed tight (ooooh, just the way he likes it!) with sexy, smooth Democratic challenger Alexi Giannoulias.

But then suddenly, out of nowhere, Mark's Grand Old Penchant for being a no-good hypocrite, getting caught saying and/or doing terrible things, rears its ugly head, once again showing his true colors: WHITE! and threatening to derail Mr. Kirk's hopes of earning the distinct privilege of screwing over as many dumb, poor people as possible as the nation's new esteemed Republican senator from Illinois. Hooray!

In a secretly recorded (D'Oh!) phone conversation with various state GOP big shots, the always lovely Mark Kirk told state Republican leaders last week about his freakin' golden plan (eat it Blago!) to send "lawyers and other people to vulnerable precincts...where the other side might be tempted to jigger the numbers somewhat."

The "other side" of course referring to those unsavory characters who inhabit the "vulnerable precincts of Rockford, Metro East, and South and West Chicago," or as Mark Kirk likes to call 'em, scary people with black skin. Ya know, the kind of predominantly African-American neighborhoods where those dark, menacing forces in the form of minorities who aren't pure snow white, "might be tempted to jigger the numbers somewhat."

Jigga what? Jigga who?

Who knew that in addition to heroically trying to prevent voter fraud (by making it more difficult to cast ballots and suppressing minority voter turnout), Mark Kirk was also such a huge Jay-Z fan??  I personally had him pegged as more of a Vanilla Ice guy, but hey, guess the man is just full of surprises, right?

Big Pimpin' Kirk. He certainly's got 99 problems, but we all know a b*tch ain't one!

Of course, Mark's fabulous plan to send a bunch of suited-up Republican lawyers to question/harass the credentials of voters on Chicago's south side is in no way racist or anything, but simply a nice, Teabagger way of ensuring elections in this country are glistening clean, spotless, and 100 percent jigger-free.

At least someone has the basketballs big enough to stand up against the terrible widespread problem of voter fraud wingnuts are always shrieking about when not ranting about how The Gays, Muslims, and Blacky NObama are destroying America, despite the so-called Justice Department's finding virtually no evidence of any organized effort to skew federal elections.

But it must be true if Fox News says it is, right? Something about ACORN (or was it squirrels?) stealing all our votes in some menacing liberal plot to take over the world, one poor, disenfranchised neighborhood at a time.

So, ummm, a word of advice to Mark Kirk: unless you want your problems to keep getting bigger, or are brushing up your skills for your next gig as the state's best ditch digger, when trying to suppress minority votes via the big, bad BLACK vote rigger, it is probably best to avoid the word jigger, or any word ending in -igger for that matter, ya figure?

Unless you want people thinking the three K's in your name, MarK KirK, are no coincidence at all, and instead start jiggering around the letters until they get to a more appropriate name for a crazy cracker, like say, Mark KirKKK.

Hehe snigger!

It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's A Black Man Stealing My Election!

Aside From Filthy Jews, Who Wouldn't Vote For Ohio's New "Young Gun" Republican Candidate & Weekend Nazi Impersonator, Rich Iott?

All Heil Führer Rich Iott, second from left, in Fine Nazi SS Waffen Form!

The one thing really missing from this year's bumper crop of insane Republican/Teabagger candidates, trying desperately to become part of the big bad gubmint they're always shrieking about, is of course, a good, old-fashioned, Tea-approved, Grand Old Party nominee, personally selected as one of lone Jewish Republican Eric Cantor's rising stars or "Young Guns" as he likes to call 'em, who also enjoys dressing up like an actual Nazi Waffen SS soldier and playing fun Axis Invasion Games in the woods around his native Ohio in his spare time.

Not anymore, my friends, not anymore! The Nazi drought is officially over! Meet your newest, favoritest, wingnuttiest Teabagging make-believe Nazi candidate, and future congressman (in Lederhosen!), the honorable Rich Iott from Ohio. A real charmer!

And like most other middle-aged Christian white men who spend their weekends donning combat boots, polishing their swastikas, and reenacting actual military scenes of various high-ranking Nazi divisions, Rich Iott's innocent dabbling in harmless Nazi fun is simply because he loves history, that's all! The lovable ol' history buff just can't get enough of it!

Iott, whose district lies in Northwest Ohio, was involved with a group that calls itself Wiking, whose members are devoted to re-enacting the exploits of an actual Nazi division, the 5th SS Panzer Division Wiking.

When contacted by The Atlantic, Iott confirmed his involvement with the group over a number of years, but said his interest in Nazi Germany was historical and he does not subscribe to the tenets of Nazism. "No, absolutely not," he said. "In fact, there's a disclaimer on the [Wiking] website. And you'll find that on almost any reenactment website. It's purely historical interest in World War II."

Whatever you say, Hitler. We totally understand!

Iott, a member of the Ohio Military Reserve, added, "I've always been fascinated by the fact that here was a relatively small country that from a strictly military point of view accomplished incredible things. I mean, they took over most of Europe and Russia, and it really took the combined effort of the free world to defeat them. From a purely historical military point of view, that's incredible."

It is incredible isn't it?? I mean just imagine what the fearless, heroic Nazis could have accomplished if those n'er do well Allies had kept their pesky, free-world noses to their own Jew-loving selves, and out of important German business!

How can you not marvel at all the amazing things a country can do when fueled by the brutal slave labor of annexed foes and the calculated, militarized mass murder of the European continent's entire Jewish population??

I, for one, am tempted to lace up my knee high, patent leather combat boots, polish my SS insignia, magic marker on my own adorable, signature Hitler 'stash, throw on my mint condition, authentic Reichsführer-SS armband, and start huntin' Jews myself, right now, out of sheer admiration for the Nazi's go-getter attitude, incomparable passion, and tactical military brilliance!

But for some gay reason, not everyone is as excited that the congressional candidate they endorsed moonlights as one of Hitler's notorious Nazi SS henchman every weekend in the woods of suburban Ohio.

Which is odd because I always thought Republicans loved when their hand-picked, up 'n coming Representatives wax poetic about Nazis, Hitler, the mass extermination of Jews, etc, but I guess that's only acceptable when referring to President Obama. Apparently, all other Nazi affiliations are a big NEIN, NEIN!

Who woulda thunk it?

It only took one day for Eric Cantor to enact his own Final Solution and scrub this rising star Nazi candidate from his awe-inspiring "Young Guns" group of 40-and 50-something GOP creeps and freaks hand-chosen by Heir Cantor to be the sexy, new face of the Republican Party.

Until last night, the GOP included the candidate, Rich Iott, on a list of promising potential members called Contenders — a notch below their so-called Young Guns. Now he’s gone, without a trace.
You can get away with a lot in conservative politics these days, but it turns out spending your weekends dressed as a Nazi, celebrating the brave Waffen 5th SS Panzer Division is still a bridge too far.

Ugh, typical elitists! Running scared just because their personally groomed, hand-selected Republican candidate happens to a have a secret li'l habit of dressing up like his favoritest Führer every Friday-Sunday.

"I think that Representative Cantor did what so many career politicians do," Rich Iott said. "He reacted before he had all the facts. He didn't know the whole story. He didn't understand what historical reenacting is all about, or the education side of it. And he just made a decision without all the facts. My opponent here is cut out of the same cloth. Those are the people who passed the health care bill before they knew what was in it. The same folks who passed the stimulus bill..."

Poor, poor Nazi dress-up candidate! How could meany Eric Cantor disown him without even knowing the education value of his weekend blitzkrieg activities?? You would expect that kind of behavior from a lame, stimulus & health care-supporting Democrat, but from a fellow Republican?? For shame!

Though, I guess he should've expected this from Cantor, what with him being a terrible Jew and all!

Of course, Iott says he does not recall exactly when he joined the Wiking group (his name appears on a unit roster as far back as 2003), but did so with his son "as a father-son bonding thing."

Ah yes, nothing says togetherness like some relaxing, enjoyable quality time playing Nazi with the fam!

He says his name and pictures were removed from the Wiking website not out of concern that they would harm his political career, but because he quit the group three years ago, after his son lost interest. Iott participated in the group under his own name, and also under the alias "Reinhard Pferdmann," which has also been removed, and which Iott described as being his German alter ego.

"Part of the reenactor's [experience]," Iott said, "is is the living-history part, of really trying to get into the persona of the time period. In many, not just in our unit, but in many units what individuals do is create this person largely based on a Germanized version of their name, and a history kind of based around your own real experiences. 'Reinhard' of course is 'Richard' in German. And 'Pferdmann,' 'pferd' is a horse. So it's literally 'horse man.'"

Oh goody! We feel soooooo much better now that we know all about Mr. Horse Man
Reinhard Pferdmann Rich Iott's true, purely educational intentions.

"The purpose of historical reenacting is not to glorify war, necessarily, or the sides," he said. "It's to educate people. To learn about what happened. And to keep those memories alive, so we don't let it happen again."
Iott said "participating in historical reenactments, living history, is a much better way to get the message across" than other forms or education. "It's a great outreach to the public."

So true! I mean we can all talk about 9/11 'til we're blue in the face, but wouldn't it make more sense to just become one of those 9/11 enthusiasts who simply like to dress up as radical Jihadists (I hear they do a great Mohamed Atta!) and fly commercial jetliners into replica Twin Towers to get a real up close 'n personal sense of the thrill that comes with the sudden, explosive, fiery death of 3,000 Americans in the name of Allah??

It seems so obvious!

Asked if he regretted dressing up as a Nazi, now that he's running for Congress, Iott said: "What I regret is that we're wasting the time talking about this issue, when we should be talking about the real issues that are facing the country today."

What do you think, solving the Jewish Problem is something that happens overnight?? It took Hitler years (decades in fact!), and even he couldn't kill all the Jews everywhere, so what do you expect Horse Man over here to do?

He's a freakin' Nazi impersonator from bumblef**k, Ohio, not a magically mustached miracle worker from Vienna, for Christ's sake!

But, give the man horse some time! Call it a hunch, but something tells me Reinhard Pferdmann Rich Iott is going places!

Other than the Juden & Allied infested woods of his own sycamore and SS filled suburban Ohio backyard!

“It’s a tragedy that we don’t want to forget,” Iott said. "It did indeed happen. We can't sweep it under the rug."

Of course not! There would be nowhere to put the Jews then, silly!

At Least There's One Thing We Can All Agree On: Getting Rid Of That Awful Joe Lieberman

Wah Wah...Is It The Ol' Heave Ho For Traitor Joe?

Beloved pariah and internationally celebrated Traitor Joe Lieberman has always prided himself on a few special qualities: physics-defying, almost impossibly droopy jowls, hideously annoying whine of a voice, the unique ability to weasel between parties, working both sides of the aisle to do whatever is best for the country, which naturally means whatever is best for his reelection chances, and of course, his uncanny knack for bringing both Republicans & Democrats together on one single issue: wanting nothing more than to slap that stupid, scowling smirk off his smug, pathetic face, while heaving his feeble 'ol bones straight out the Senate door.

Finally, something everyone in America can agree on!

Now, it is no secret that the sniveling sad sack from Connecticut has long been one of the most unpopular Senators (make that people!) in the country, perhaps in all of history even, which, considering some of the freak specimens currently calling Congress home (Jim DeMint anyone?), is no easy feat!

But looks like ol' Joe has topped himself once again, and not in a gross, gay way either. That's reserved for pure bred Republicans, only, ya crazy kids!

According to a new Public Policy Polling of Connecticut, only 24% of voters in the state say they would vote to reelect Lieberman in 2012 compared to 66% who say they'd basically vote for any carbon-based, oxygen breathing being over Jewish Benedict Arnold Joe Lieberman's dumb droopy face.

Sure, the man managed to leave the dumb Democrats after losing the primary to actual, non-pretend Democrat Ned Lamont in 2006 and still win reelection as an independent since everyone knows loyalty is not a word in Lieberman's vocabulary, but couldn't resist his adorable charm anyway.

But after Joe went ahead and endorsed that senile old man, John McCain, over someone with a working brain who didn't trade in their soul for a chance to be president, Barack Obama, in 2008, only to go on to never miss the chance to play spoiler and screw the American people over on some important issue or another every chance he got while in Congress, even the usually masochistic Democrats finally had enough!

Apparently, there is only so much getting bent over by a boring, backstabbing, conniving old man-whore the good people of Connecticut are willing to take before saying, hell no, we've had quite enough! Now take your stupid Vaseline and kindly scram back to the filthy rat hole you crawled in from, thank you very much!

But it's not just Democrats who can't stand the guy, even though a whopping 72% would sooner contract Ebola than vote for that old thing again. While taking 70% of the Republican vote was a key component of Lieberman's victory in 2006, 61 percent of Grand Old Patriots now say they would much prefer to swap him out for someone a little less smart, but a whole lot crazier, like say a Real Republican, who isn't afraid to draw Hitler mustaches on Obama's face, round up all the gays, Mexicans, Muslims and other undesirables and ship 'em off somewhere far, far away like Socialist Europe or something.

Even 63 percent of Independents, who usually don't know what the hell they want, except of course to never get their weirdo fringe candidate elected, and simply ruin the race for everyone else instead, say they'd rather make an actual decision (gasp!) and pick a viable side, then vote for ol' Bummer Bones Indy Joe, this time around. So, umm congratulations??

"Democrats, Republicans, and independents in Connecticut agree on one thing: they want Joe Lieberman replaced in the US Senate," said Dean Debnam, President of Public Policy Polling. "His path to reelection, at least at this point a couple years away, looks extremely difficult."

Difficult? Ha! The bastard's middle name is difficult.  Besides, that's never stopped fightin' Joe before! He'll just come up with another brilliant idea, maybe some sort of resolution dissolving Congress and granting sole legislative powers to himself and Hadassah, so America will never be without the dazzling charm and wit of the nation's #1 treacherous maverick with both a functioning mind and possession of his own soul.

Unlike his other beloved maverick pal, Gramps McCain, who gave up his already-decaying soul (his mind left loooong before) for the once-in-a-lifetime chance to unleash a lipstick-wearing Mama Grizzly Arctic drifter onto the world and still not even come close to winning anything, except maybe a chance at early retirement and a wonderful trail of lies, shame and disgrace in his wake. Hooray!

No need to worry about Joe's soul, though. He certainly isn't! Besides, there wasn't much there to begin with. No soul but plenty of power-hungry, selfish Joe-Centric goals. It's just the way the Lieb man rolls!

And since Joe doesn't mind shifting back 'n forth, up, down and every which way, so long as it serves himself, we'd advise Joe to consider losing the whole Jew thing and switch to Chinese Folk Religion instead.

Unfortunately, 2012 is the Year of the Dragon. He'll have to wait another 8 years until 2020, when it's once again his time: the Year of the Rat, duh!

Whaddya say, Joe?? Satan/Lieberman 2020 does have a nice ring to it.

I think I smell a winner! Wait, or is that just the dang rat again??

Quick, exterminator!