Notorious New York hell monster Carl Paladino enjoys indulging in a few of life's simpler pleasures: sending mindblowingly offensive, racist emails about Barry NObama (lol, negro president!), hot girl-on-horse porno videos, beating up no-good, prying reporters askin' too many questions (maybe after he's governor, he'll answer your stinkin' questions!), and saying whatever terrible, vulgar, repulsive thing that happens to float into his slightly impaired, small, petty mind now.
Under normal circumstances, crazy ol' Carl would be able to say and do as many horrible things as his sweet li'l heart desires, without having to worry about apologizing to all those offended by his latest email forward of Obama with a bone through his nose eating watermelon or speech telling a bunch of Orthodox Jews how he thinks gross homosexuals are as bad as the terrible Muslims, minus the whole Pride Parade rubbing against each other in tight black speedos thing or whatever.
But now that he isn't just some dumb, queer bashing obnoxious New York schmuck nobody cares about, but the actual Republican gubernatorial candidate schmuck everybody loves to make fun of, Carl seems to be running into the problem of opening his big fat mouth when anyone is listening, let alone 20,000 cameras watching his every move. And when stupidity meets publicity, it is a recipe for disaster of epic Carl Paladino proportions.
An online news outlet in New York state has obtained dozens of emails, many of them racist and sexually graphic, which it reports were sent by Carl Paladino, the Tea-Party-backed Republican candidate for governor of New York, to a long list of political and business associates. One email shows a video of an African tribal dance, entitled “Obama Inauguration Rehearsal,” while another depicts hardcore bestiality.Too bad it wasn't something more romantic like say softcore bestiality where the horse at least makes out with the woman before banging the bejesus out of her with his huge
Because in Carl's bizarro, freaky world, some things are still sacred. Like sex with horses. This is a good and wholesome thing. Sex with people, on the other hand, is bad. Well, actually, sex with people is okay too, but only when it is one man plus one woman who is not your wife that you end up getting pregnant and then keeping the secret love child hidden for ten years. This too is a-okay!
What is not, however, as savory as sluts banging Shetlands, is of course sinful sodomites, particularly those with the disco balls big enough to flaunt their homosinuality up 'n down the once-pure, decent streets of New York City in some sort of terrible, twisted testosterone and testicle tranny parade, unfit for anyone's eyes, least of all, the innocent oculars of one distinguished gentleman, a certain Mr. Carl Paladino. Especially when talkin' to his good pals, them crazy Yids with the braids and the hats who hate fegalas, schvartze, and A-rabs too!
"I didn't march in the Gay Pride parade this year. My opponent did. There is nothing to be proud of in being a dysfunctional homosexual. That's not how God created us, and that's not the example that we should be showing our children - and certainly not in our schools," Paladino said.A terrible, terrible thing I just can't, for the love of God, get out of my head for even one second. Not a single second goes by where I, Carl Paladino, am not obsessing over sweaty gay men laughing, thrusting, and gyrating on each other, muscles and genitalia bulging every which way, whispering Carl, Carl Carl...
"Young children should not be exposed to that at a young age. They don't understand, it's a very difficult thing," said Mr. Paladino. "And exposing them to homosexuality, especially at a gay pride parade - and I don't know if you have ever been to one, but they wear these little Speedos and they grind against each other and it's just a terrible thing."
Ayyyyyy fuggedaboutit! He's freakin' Carl Paladino, not some pussy faggot like yous freaks.
"I just think my children and your children would be much better off and much more successful getting married and raising a family, and I don't want them brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality is an equally valid and successful option - it isn't."
Soz, I went ahead and got me two families to prove my God-blessed heterosexuality!
But that's not alllllllll!
So long as their money's still green and credit card's plastic, Paladino over here is still more than happy to make a quick buck off the queer freaks as Buffalo's gay club kingpin and personal landlord to all bar-hopping boy-seeking-boy types! He's no bigoted homophobe!
New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino, who doesn't care for those Speedo-wearing gays and their gyrating, actually used to rent space to two gay nightclubs in Buffalo. His son even ran one, Cobalt, Buffalo's onetime "gay club of the moment."Carl Paladino freakin' loves the gays, got it?
And all those awful anti-gays things he's been saying to Brooklyn Super Jews and former Hooters waitress on Fox News? Well, he didn't mean any of it, really.
Of course he didn't mean "gays were lesser human beings" because they're gross and God hates them or anything, but simply that homosexuality is not an "equally valid and successful option" because of all the discrimination gay people face, especially from vulgar Teabagger pricks desperate to pick up the racist/homophobe/beastiality vote.
He sensitizes with the sick freaks, hell even his own nephew is one of them speedo-wearing, hip grinding deviants, and you don't see Carl marching over to his house, trying to smack some heterosexual sense into the poor bastard!
I am Carl Paladino, a father, a husband, a builder and a business owner. I am neither perfect, nor a career politician. I have made mistakes in this campaign - I have made mistakes all my life- as we all have. I am what I am - a simple man who works hard, trusts others, and loves his family and fears for the future of our State...Including the right to view all the horse-on-chick porn your puritan heart desires. So the moral of the story is this: Gays, meet your new best friend and fiercest defender Carl PaladinObama.
My personal beliefs are:
1) I am a live and let live person.
2) I am 100% against discrimination of any group. I oppose discrimination of any kind in housing, credit, insurance benefits or visitation.
3) I am 100% against hate crimes in any form.
4) I am in support of civil agreements and equal rights for all citizens.
5) My position on marriage is based on my personal views. I have the same position on this issue as President Barrack Obama. I have previously stated I would support a referendum by New York voters. I have proposed Initiative and Referendum so New Yorkers can decide important issues like this.
6) The portrayal of me as anti-gay is inconsistent with my lifelong beliefs and actions and my prior history as an father, employer and friend to many in the gay and lesbian community.
I am concerned with the future for all our citizens, gay, straight, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish and Muslim and Agnostic. If elected as your governor I will stand and fight for all gay New Yorkers rights...Please go to my website www.paladinoforthepeople.com to learn more detail about the issues including my staunch support for civil rights for all New Yorkers.
Countdown 'til Carl Paladino comes skipping out of the closet in a tight black speedo, stiletto heels, and hot pink boa singing RuPaul's "You Better Work" a cappella, snapping his fingers fiercely across his body and blowing air kisses every which way, 3...2...1...NOW!